THE HAPPY LAND.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 3709, 3 March 1880, Page 3

THE HAPPY LAND.

i Wo givo below tho text of tho localised fairy extravaganza cntitlod, "Tho Happy Land" s— ';'",' DfIAMATIS PEBSONiK. MOBTAIS. ThoHoriiJ.H-l ... Mr J. Stark Mrß -n ... Mr J. P. Hydes Major A n ... Mr J. Wilkinson Tho Avenging Vegotablo Mr D, Alexandbb ..rAlßlliS , Selene (Fairy Queen) Miss Morgan Zayda ... ... Miss Both Grkt Darino Miss Amy Johns' Lolia ... ... Miss Maude Vincent Looririe '.'., "7.". Miss Emma Jambs Neodio ... ... Miss Ei/Len Gaston Ethais ... ... ' Miss Madoe Hebriok Phyllon ... ... Miss Leoni Piozzi Lutin Miss Leowi Brett SeTj.— Oomo hither, and hearken to mo all. 1 Ther«j Is aland (bho fairest surely ! 'Neath the' refulgent sun) that rises - Sparkling from tho radiant Southern seas [ In many Islets j •'■'■■ i And hoaven has bountoously I Blessed this land with all the good I That human needs requiro. 'Faithful, I ■ Sober, industrious, and frugal tho peoplo are I ' And well deserving of the blessings j Plentoous thoy enjoy. ' 'DAR.— Pray toll tb us ' ' ' What all those blessings are. SbTj.— First and chief ost 5 from their cities ' Many 'spii-os arise, and from their churches ; Daily pious songs aro ohauntod j and holy I Prayers ascend that they may live in i Lovo and oharity. No strife seotarian, • Such as violates tho peaoo .' Of other lands, is theirs. A free > ; And outspoken Press/that never lies Nor pulla-i nilh Iho truthNor meanly quibbles j . Nor equivocates o'er straws of littlo import, ; To the negleofc of issues large and general. 1 Their Dootors nover quarrel nor wasto Their strength in bitter fouds ! Or potty spito j but mutually aid each other 1 With ano wo rivalry. , Their Lawyers, wiso : And able are. . Learned too, in all tbo quips and subtleties ■ Whioh'the unscrupulous employ to defeat I Fair; justice.; Here; no onminals escape. Through blundering incompetdnoo. rPoor, are all. unknown— or ...cared for with TA'tender and ft liberal hand j:' ..7 And for the "wicked, a gentle beneficence At onoo provides a Bofuge and a 'Home. Oh, Happy, Happy Land, Zealandia I ZA'S'.-r-But, i sißterv ! .7 c I '' ■'■? ' '" Say, to what owes Zealandia this singular Pro-emtnenco over, tho rest of the world ? Sbl.— Listen.!!; ir -7 The wholo of this people's Happiness and grateful joy, Zealandia o*rea I oohe great and glorious gift. ,'Tis called Constitutional Government, Tho proud 'result Of an unrostrioted suffrage. With thom No selfish class interests, doublo votes, .Nor cash, .weigh down tho people's voico. With them, tho elected of tho peoplo Are respected, and never ejeotod from their Seats to f urthor petty party aims. Men, do nofc scramble into power By purohased votes, nor bribe tho Provinces To Tteep them there, whilst they divide The' spoils— tho publio lands-- , Amongst themselves and frionds. ''No telegrams are violated,' *•■' / " r " 7' ' Nor jraiiway workshops politically sold. Ministers aro ohosen on large and generous Principles, and not on petty loottl claims. ' Tho ;po6plo's intorosts— ■ Great* ptoblio ends alone— are sought^ And nofc^the elovation of a monied.fow To an exclusivo caste. Straight; broad, and generous Are 'their statesmen's aims', • ' And no man schemes for any largo estate. All by the people raised tho pooplo love, And work harmonious for tho publio good, Dar.— o bappy, happy land,' Zealandia I Set,.— Their municipal bodies are composed Of corporation statesmen, i; * Whoso broad .brows give token of ' Their wisdom and their power. Bright intolligoncos— a Wilson, a Binstead, Ahd a Cass— sbine refulgent ;o'er f i the.ircity'i»caro. , " Their Hb%'tttl is confided to a 1 Board Composed of men of science and renown. ■ Longyoars Of meclical experience And well tried skill, point to them .' As tWmoh of .all mankind tor ulo the 'Charities of anew born State. Zay.— o bright ond happy land, Zealandia I Bui -'-Thoir Ministor of Works, a careful soul, ; ".' Eager to afford tho peoplo scopo 'For worthy t0i1... 7- "' '7 Their Tr'e'asureri'a man of thoughtful brain, Sticks on fresh taxos7 v , .7.-7 With a sparing hand ; and when he's Got thom passed bjr Parliament, Collects Ihcm in with vigorous power. With prudent care tho humble poor he spares And touches not thoir sugar nor their tea. Dab.— Delightful man I t Bel— And to crownall, their Premier I Theinan Who grasps the holm of this prosperous ; 'State, a pure unselfish ; spotless Qatriofc ho 1 One who has laboured from his youth ' ' To lay tho foundations of tho future state i In trenches wido and deep. ■Nowretoliod schemer I ; Bufc with' large v S6i.l ; and gonerous heart. Striving to plant tho people on the lands— A prosperous; sturdy, happy yeomany ! Sensitive in honotirj incnpablo of petty spite,Soorbing to iisohis power to wound ' Ahobloenemyj or publish to the world . Tho seorets of his foes I ' A minister, whojo'oiquigifce good tasto, ;Whoi'e polished wit, whose grave saeaoity, '■ Form the incessant and exhaustlcss theme Of tho delighted-Solwyn rotors, Whose shrewdness dragged him From his squatter's homo, 'And bade; him both' to rulo and ruin 'om ! 25a*.— 0 for one hour of such 'A government to sot us all to rights I 'Sat.— Exactly, and tho object I now Contemplate in bringing threo bright ' Specimens of humanity into this our 'Fairy land-ris, to ascertain from them, If possible the principles upon whioh Their system is carried on, so that, in suro Confidence,' wo may cstublish it hero. DAB.—O, Bapture I Zay.— o. Ecstaoy I Sat— We shall have them hither straight. ' Go, 'Ethats, Phyllon, 1 Lutin you, And fetch them hero along. ■ 'j'z '"./."' Z.'Z, (Song.) ;^:V^v I, '';,h;appyiand.. Zealandia is a happy placo So tho people say, Whero men don't win themselves disgrace By seeking placo or. pay. All is so straight and fair free, from loans andedebt and caro That joy only dominates there, Hip, hip, hooray I Bright in.this Happy Land, Beams Johnny Hall}-, ; Buling with gontlo hand Tho grcßt and tho sumll. Ho will never tax. the poor, Nor railway bring toi his own door, Nor.schemo to gain ono aorO more, Hip, hip, hooroy I . \ 7 Bring from this Happy Land, Three honest public men ; Who on principles take their Btand Nover now and then. Let them slow ns tbo littlo game, How tho. Oracle's no'or worked in vain, Living. tho whilo in deconfc fame, Hip, hip, hooray ! Herein this Happy Land, Christchuroh holds tho sway j Hor public men thoy do the grand Day after day. Conyers, ho may say " good-night I" Tho workshops, too, may tako thoir flight, But in Johnny still wo tako delight, Hooray 1 Hooray I Hooray ! (Danco. Scene closes.) Scene ll.— Wellington. A privato room in Bellamy's. Tho Hon 3. ll— ii, Major A- — n, and Mr B discovered seated. Tho Hon J. H- *.— Well, Roily, old boy, how do you boHin to feol now? No moro cronking, oh ? Wo aro right for tho session. Mr B N.— That Auckland businesj was vory bad, Had I nofc boon in offico I should' j havo beon bound' to havo denounced ifc 'bitterly. Look afc fcho Governments I have opposod, ono after Iho otlior, for far less than fcho buying of this precious dear quarto! tc. Whon I was Suporiulendenfc of Canterbury Major A N.— Ah, yes, Holly, I remember that timo exceedingly woll. In your character as a bluff farmer you worked tho oraclo splendidly. But, I say, those four Auckland sneaks nro safe nowP I suppose wo can dopond upon them sticking to us P

Tho Hon J. H— l.— Bats always ieserfctho, sinking ship, and as wo aro sure fco float, afc all events tlirough this session, thoy aro right. Bosides, Old Groy would nob havo thom again. Ho is awfully savago with thom. ■Mr r, n.— As well ho might be. lam afraid I shall get an awful lot of ohaff whon I go back fco tho Ohristchurch Club. Major A N.— Don't you got siok, Holly. It's all right. Our friond,, Johnny, here will fix things up • they aro all supporters of his. Besides, you canfigtiro again as a pilot j that's your rdle. . ■ Mr 11— N.— Thon there's tho unseating of Bir Goorgo Grey. I'vo no chance with him down thoro. lie is sure to go down and oxcito tho poople, and— and— and — I shall go to tho wall. Whon I was Suporintondonfc of Tho Hon J. H— l.— Tuts, min, you can easily fix that up. Gefc littlo Briggs to organise fcho blaok brigade fcho same as lasfc timo, and kick up a row. Or, better still, get Barrett and the pick-handlos to come into play and havo anothor riot . Mr R— — N.—Thon there's that awful tolograph business you mado such a moss of, and old Lemon's cutting off tho ovortimo.' I shall never pull through. I'd far rather bo Superintendent of Cantor- — Major A— —n.— There, jusfc oliouso that. You always were a croaker} now, for my part, I'm quite satisfied so long as they let mo stay where I am ; bufc my concorn is nofc aboufc fcho present, but next session. Thoro'n Wakefield arid Saunders, and Stevons, , all with open mouths; hungry for billets, and how, aro wo to fix them up P Tho Hon J, . H— l .— Look here now, I'll let you into my little game, and you'll seo how easy it is to bo dono. Major A— N.— Yes, lots get to businoss. I'm all (agerness to know our future fate. Tbe Hon. J. H- — l.— Then, first of all, you know our littlo gamo about the lands. Our friends up North must be satisfied. Sheehan can bo got, and onco embroiled in somo audacious swindle, ho is done for ever. Grey will cut him, and a howl of exooration will bo raised that to him will bo ruin. Ho is alroady broaohed, and a littlo thing about some 300,000 acres -with Whitakor is already on tho tapis. Thus a beginning, will be made laying tho foundation of many a fair and large estate. '. .7 7 Major A— N.—Yes, that is good. Proceed. ..- '■■■':' --..'', The Hon. J. H- — I.— Tho Waimato Plains are a splendid prize, and them wo must obtain. Major A N.— Bufc how P 7 The Hon. J. H— L.— By force if needs must. The mon. are on tho ground, and more dan still be sent ; all that is necessary is to movo them forward and tako the lands. To you, Bolly, I shall allot ono million aores ; to you, Major, a niillionj whilst for my share, I'll take— Majob A— — n.— The loan's exhausted j wo have promised railways right and loft, and there's no cash available. 'J ho Hon. J. H—L.— There's monies duo to Canterbury oan bo taken. Of courso only for a time- only for a time— you know. One hundred thousand due to Boad Boards, eight hundred thousand due for Land Fund, bosides othor sums, largo and small. Oh, Canterbury must pay if I'm to bo Premier I Major A-— N.— That will carry us on for a time, but ; , The Hon. J. H—L.— But I thoro are no buts. Ifc must bo done, I say. Auckland wo have bought and is secure. Tho West Coast we shall buy,' a* I havo, indicated'. Nought now remains but Otago. , . , Mr R— N.— When I was Superintendent- . „, ,■;.'■',,' Thb/:.Hon. Jj H—l.— Yes, Lwas remarking that; Mr Oliver requires the head? quarters aud tho workshops takon down- South,? or ho will leave us. Mr R— n.— Let him go and be— .'■. The Hon. J. H - l.— He must stay, and his price must bo paid. - If he goes wo aro ruined, for all down Soufch will rat. Conyers and tho Hoad-quartors musfc go Soufch. * There's No help lor ifc if wo would swim at all. Now, I've a little gamo that vwll maVe nil things smooth. We musfc buy up tbo district railways. Major A N.— Can ifc be dono. The Hon. J. H—L.— Of course ifc can • ifc musfc bo dono. A matter of threo or four hundred thousand or bo is of no conse Major A — -n.— Bufc fchero's no money, tho cher-fc is empty. -The Hon. J. H—L.— Ob, wo can fix ifc up - Cantorbury will pay I Mr R N.— Whon 1 was Suporin — - (Entor Ethais, Phyllon, and Lulin.) § Tho Hon. J. H-l.— Hallo! Who the; dickens havo we hore P \ Phyllon.— We aro here a deputation to respCctlully urge' that 'you will graciously, oondoscend to visifc tho Homo of the Fairies,! whoro all that is beautiful and lovely awaits t your presonce. , * Major A- — -N.— All that is beautiful and i lovely j thon by all the powers I'll follow theo. * Mr R N.— l am sick of this. If we. havo much moro of. it, I, too, will rat. Thoe will I follow -lead on I 7 The Hon. J. H—l.— Come lob us go, and bold Major you, yourself, shall lead the way. (Exeunt.) Soenb . IIIi— Fairyland. (Selerio, Zayda, Darino, Leila, Locrino, Noodie, and other fairios discoverod.) Sbl.— 'Tis now aboufc tho hour our mossongors should return. Dab.— l am all impatienco to see our visitors from this wonderous land whoro mon are gods, and have— by virtue and by wisdom practised— oxaltedcanh to reach unto a second heaven. ■ . Zay.— l too am muoh excited, arid yofcl fear our hopes too sanguine are, and that a dismal and most blank disappointment now awaits us. Sbl,— Nay, havo no foar, for ifc is quito out of rango that any harm' to u j can oomo from this experiment (Enter a Fairy.) Speak. WhatnowsP Faiby.— Tho delegates have 'con now roturnod, and with them three strange men of dubious aspect. Sbl.— Admit thom straight. Stand nil aside and let us watch tho ourrent of events. (Bnfcor Ethais, Phyllon, and Lufcin, bringing with thom tho Hon J. H—l, Mr B n, ♦and Major A -n.) (Trio.) Tho Hen J. H—L, Major A N, and Mr K N. Tuno— Tommy Dodd. Three Cabinet Ministors aro we j And tho' a preoious Boedy'lot, Yot in slioking to offico wo all agree, Whilst tho oountry may go to pot. Whon wo camo in our strength was thin, Wo soon must have gono to tho wall 5 But Swanson first, then Colbook and Hurst, Were bought ovor by Johnny Hall. Chobcs : Johnny Hill's tho man for mo I Johnny Hall I Johnny Hall ! 1 With Johnny Hall wo all agree I Johnny Hall! Johnny Hall! ■■ Thick and fchin,w^mean to win ! Huzza for Johnny Hall ! Perhaps a score mighfc have crossed the floor If the oracle could have been worked ; Bufc Macandrow's motion quito. cooked that -notion, • > So our littlo gamo was burkod. Wo could not buy tho lot, for that Tho prico would have boon too tall j So tho Auoklaid four wo got to rat And como over to Johnny Hall. CHoiitJS: ■'.'■'" Now Gcorgto Grey may have his say, AM denounco us in speeohos long 5 Bufc wo have got tho sugar pot, And wo mean to go it strong,' 7 Wifch railways hero, and land jobs queer, Wo intend to kick the ball - So if you nood a slice of luck Just como ovor to Johnny Hall. Cuontrs : Tho Hon J. H— x.— Why whoro on earth havo wo got to now, Bolly P Mr R N.— Oub of fcho world I think wo aro. Tlii' musfc be Akaroa, celebrated for its cocoa nuts - or porhaps Auokland, noted for its rals. When I was Suporintondenfc of Cnnfc Major A N.— Thoro, that'll do old man, drop cant for tho present. Tho Hon J. H—L.— What a heavenly region I What lovely grass ! Would carry twenty to tho aero. I think I ohall gridiron this Couutry. Beautiful I Reminds mo of Maoridom, Mr Sheehan, and all thab sort of thing. Enter Fairies. Major A— N.— Hallo, what aro you P my beautiOs".

, Sbl.— Wo aro Fairies, and this is Fairv land. wf' 10 Hon J " H— I,.— Delightful creatures. What is tho valuo of sections hereabouts P ' Zay (to Mr It n)— And pray who nro yonp r ' Mr. R N.— Oh II am Minister of Immigration. l T ■ -.' (W - Immigration, Immigration! O, thoro's nothing liko Immigration ! Zay.— Ard who may you bo P ! Mnjor A n.— l am tho Bight Honourable tiio Trctßuror. i Zay.— Oh, how charming! Hel (to fcho Hon J. H—l).— How fascinating and beautiful I j Dab (to Mr R n).— How maseivo and magnificent! Zay (to Major A n).— -How military and splondid. I Sbl (to fcho Hon J. H—L.)— Horo is a man behind whoso splendid forehead lies tho brain of a genius. i Tho Hon J. H—l,— Permit mo to kiss your hand, my love. Thero, thafc is well. ' Zay.— Horo is a man who is doubtless tho hero of ton thousand fights, and has slain lilb hundreds of a morning boforo broakfast on manyi a gory field. Have you killed many men with that sword, Major P ; Major A — |-N. — Ministers novor answor Eointed questions without notice, my pot j ,ut I may say not many— not many P Dab.— And horo is a man who looks as if in his dovotion— a9 a Minister : of the Crown —ho would submit to or swallow anything. , Mrß— N.—O, you goto — The Hon J. H—L.— Hush— Wellington. i Zay.— Why, what have you got in that funny bag? j Major A-*— n— This, my dear girl, is tho ibalancoof tho last loan. ■ [Shows an empty .bag.] But stay, lovely one j say how can wo iservo you ? Do you want any . roads or •bridges, wo oan givo them to you j or do you iwant any— • > ! ■ _ : "Mr B^-— n,— Whon I was Superintendent of Cant— ..- 1 'Tho Hon J. H—L.— Yes, Roily,' my boy, Iwo know all about that— 'Major A — -N.— Or have you a distriot railway you would like to soil, or would you like ono- run through your ostato— your ; country, I mean ! ' , Mr K-— N.— As, I wasjireviously about to iremark, when I "was Superintendent, of ; Cant— ■ ' - ■'« ■-■ Major Ar — N.—O, damn Canterbury ! Or would you like Mr Conyers or the Addington workshops romoved to any whoro P The Hon J. H—L— Or aro thoro any particular telegrams you would like opened P Sbl. —We undorstand that the people of iZealandia are^. conspicuously- distinguished from all the rest of>„ the worla by .the possession of an inestimable blessing called Constitutional Govdrnmont, and'wd aro desirous that you initiate us into all its peculiar mysI teries. ' This is all we would .have'' from. you. '• Tho-iHonJ. H-L.-We*ll,'what bleeeed . fools those pooplo must b0. . . ' ■ i , . j Zay>— So, begin at once, if 'you please, and , don't keep us tomfooling about hero all day, : for whon "l was Buperin— Mr R— — N.— Oh, come, really this is too bad I I can't allow fchafc there over was any othor Superintendent bufc me. I declare this amounts to a broaoh of privilege. The Hon J. H—L.— Bear with hor Roily, bear wifch her. Remombor she has not got our. shrewdness, nor has she ever had tho advantage of mixing in tho refined sooiefcy of a Mandors or a Vincent Pykd. ' Major A — ,N.— Well tho ; first thing to bo dono is to form yourselves into two' groups, tho ond called Ministerial, tho othor the Opposition. " " •''(Fairios divide.), Tho Hon J. H—L.— You aro tho Government j you are tho Opposition. . Very well. Now the Opposition go out. Out you go. Lbila.— liufc mayn't we stay and hear Wbat's going on P y- t Major A N.— What! Admit tho Oppo* sition to a Ministerial cauous. Oh, that would nevor do. Whon tho Government comes in tho Opposition goos oub. That's tho rule, so out you go. * Leila,— Well, I don't think muoh of this Government. (Exit with L party.) Mr R N,— Tho leador of tho Opposition seldom does. > Tho Hon J. H—L.— Now, lot us hold a Cabinet Council and distribute portfolios. Mr R N.— Now, then, who'll be Colooial Secretary? 7' „; ■„•- : :..y... v ■ ; Dab.— What's tho salary P V:' ZK '. Tho Hon J. H—L— Two thousand flVo' hundred a yoar, and all you can make. All.— l, I, I ! "■ Major A — N.— Really, ladies, really I cannot allow this Bolfieh and unparliamentary riot. I propdso we settle" the matter;b'^eb'mpotitivo examination. :-..-7. Mr R— — N,— l second the motion. . • Tho Hon J. H—L.— Carried by a majority of ono. ;■_';*' "•'.'• ' / Major A— N.— Now then. Aro'youa porson of parliamentary experienco? ''*'*' 1 Zay.— No, quito fche contrary. ""-—>•!" The TnusE.— Very good. Mr R — — N.— Havo you any pretensions to tho knowledge necessary to the Government of a great oountry P Zay.— Nono whatever. The Thbbb.- Bettor and bettor. The Hon J. H—L —If, after ooming into ofllco, you had appropriated all your opponents' Bills, which you found to be popular j if you had loaded the Statute Book with hoavy and wholly unnecessary taxation, which you nover roally intended to collect} if you had schemed to transfer tho publio burdens on to tho backs of r tho people • concocted sdhemoj to buy up district railways so to advantage a. fow rioh land-holders j plundorcd your own province to , buy political support from othors - sold tho head-quartors of tho railways for a similar objeot } tampered with privato telegrams} blundered with tho administration of tho '1 elegraph Department so os to produoo a it'riko amongst tho operators j ? rejected a Native war with no money in tho 'rcasury 5 and so played up and bedevilled the State as to disgust all your friends— and exasperato your onemieß. What would you do?'..' ,- .' . Zay.— Woll in that caso I think I should rosign. , Major A- — N.— Bosign I Oh, dear no. I never resign. I may be kicked out, but I never rosign— novor, nover, nover ! Call up tho noxt. Dab.— l should promiso never to do any of theso things again. Tho Hon J. H—l.— Very good indeed! I liko promiso?. I am always making 'em. But tell mo pretty ono, would you keep your promises P , Dab.— Cortninly, At all ovonts I'd try to. The Hon J. H—l.— Young woman, loarn in politics never to make a promiso you intend to keep. t The groat urt of Govcmmont is to do nothing. I never keep my promises. Noxt I you, you, you— Sel.— Please, sir, I kuow. If aftor a month or so of offico I had stolon my opponents' meoeuros, stuok on unnecessary taxes i purchased mombors of Parliament. Mr R-^ — N.— Good, very good. .■<. Sel.— Tried to job tho district railways, tampered wilh private telegramsMr R — "-N.— Hear I hoar I hoar I Sbl.— Produood a Dopartmonfcal striko— '< Mr R n.— Bravo I bravo I Sel.— Sold to Dunodin the Bailway Workshops and Head -quarters. Mr R — -N.— Splendid I Magnificent ! Sbl,— Seizod tbo Maori lands for our friends, and plungod tbo country into a Nativo war with an empty Trjnsurv. All Thbeb.- Yes I Yce I* Yet ! i Sed.— l would swear it was alia puck of lies —the ereotion of the disordered brain of Sir Goorgo Groy ; that I had beon infamously abused, and doinand a dissolution. . Major A— n.— A perfeot wonder! Go up to tho lop of tho cla«s. Tho Hon J. H—l.— Ono moment. What would you do if tho pooplo attomptcd to interfcro P Bbl.— (With scorn.) Tho people 1 I should call out Sergeant Hughes and all the bobbies. Tho Hon J. H—L— My dear young lady, ib is evident to mo that you aro a heavon-bofn Colonial Seoretary. Thero I go and draw your salary ns fast as you con. (Exit Soleno, with portfolio.) Major A n.— Now thon Treasurer ! Walk up I Walk up I Twioo two P Fairy.— Four. Major A n.— Noxt. Faiby,— Five. Major A — -N.— Pretty well. Noxt. Faiby.— Nothing. Major A n,— You're getting ncaror to it, bub not quito right. Zay.— Threo or live, nccor jing to tho stat*> of the rovonuo. Tho Hon J. H—l.— A Treasurer after my own heart, (Gives portfolio.) Zay.— Bub ploaso, Sir, 1 don't know any* thing about accounts.

Tho Hon J. H—L.— My dear, it is one of fche beautiful principles of our system of government never to appoint anybody to any post to which he is at all fitted. Our Government offices nre eo many elementary schools for the instruction of Ministers. To tßke a Minister who knows his duties, ond to send him to an elementary sohool to learn them, is an obvious wasto of educational power. Nat nro has pointod you out as eminently qualified for Treasurer, because you don't know anything about accounts. You tako offico— yon learn all about accounts— and when you know all about accounts, the Opposition con.es in, out you go; and somebody else, who doesn't know anything about accounts, comes in and takes your place. That's how wo educate our Ministers. (Exit Zayda.) The Hon J.H— t.— Now then, who knows how to gridiron tho country so as to effectually shut out settlement P FAliir.-*-Pleoso, Sir, I do. The Hon.J. H—l. - Minuter of Lands for you. (Exit Fairy.) Now then, Works Bx* aminatiori. What is iho cost p*r mile of a railway? ..■,.'. Faiby.— Pourponce half-penny, Tho Hon J. H— L.-Ncxt! Zay.— Aboufc a million.. , K . ■ FAlßr.—Whnt is a railway P . t Major A n (prompting).— A road— an iron road, my dear. , Faiby.— But, what is an iron road ? The Hon J. H— l.— What, not know what a railway is 1 Why here's a Commissioner already made. You Bhall havo tho Cantor* bury linos in th© place of Conyers, removed to Dunodin. Dab.— But,; what is to become of poor me P Mr B-— N.— You, my dear child. Do you know anything of Colleges and Museums P Dab.— Not union. 7 5L Ir Rf--».*-Havo you any taste in 'Art P ( ; DAB.£Tery, little., < : '< Mr JR- — N.— Can you writ© political leadors for the Presi P Dab.— l don't know how to tell lies. Mr E— — n.~* Do you read much P. Dab.— l can't read at all Mr B— -N.— Then you seem out out by nature for tho post of Minister of Immigration. Yet, stay. Did you ever tee a ship ? Dab.— Nover. Mr B—— N.— And know positively nothing about travelling P ..." Dab.— Positively nothing. Mr B— n.— Then, my dearest, dearest girl, thero is but one place in the world for you Commissioner of Telegraphs, vice Dr Lemon promoted. Enter Fairies, cheering. The Hon. J. H— l — Bless you, my lovely children, bless you. Let's bo merry and gay. Mr B N.— Yes, let us be joyous. (Trio.) Tune— Ten Thousand Miles Away. The Hon J.H— l to Selena. Oh! Look here, my dear, I am your Premier, '•: And I'm terribly gone on you { And if you'll wand or with me, my love, I'll snow you things a few. Wo will work across Cook's Straits my dear, And to Ohristchurch bond our way, Whoro you undtrstand; you may. do tho grand At a fearful rate all day. Cuobus": Now we'ro in ofllco my boys, Wo will taste all kinds of joys, And wend our way from Wellington's short' .. , •,, , •■ '_; -„. '.v,-;-To tho land that's far away. , Major A N, to Zayda. Oh! I am the Major bold and bravo, a And 'tis I that carries the tin j .- . And if you'll wander forth with me What glorious fun wo'U win'. What "glorious .times We'll have, my lore, In my station that's far away ; • >■ • Where, by this hand; you may d.> the grand At a terrible rate all day, ', Chobcs: » < Mr.Rr-— N, to Darine. Oh ! When I was Supor-in-tend*ont of Tho Province of Canterburoe, I was tho biggest swell tbat ever Lived thoro— don't you soo. So if you will come with me, my lovo, To a farm that's not far away, •'. 7 You may do tho grand in that snobbish land ' At a very cheap rato p? r day. > Ouonus : ! Major A- — N.— Oome, ladies, lot us join! in the gay, deluding dance; Here's a step which our Premier has invented) beats the sword dance all to pieces. They danco it at all the up-country stations. It is known as—. Sbl.— As what P'■ Mr B* — N.- Tho Hall Continuous Grid* iron Quadrille. 7*' ' „ ..>,;■ gtfngJHjd quadrille. Soenb IV.— Fairyland undor a cloud. ! < r (Enter Leila and Fairies.) i . Leila.— Ladies, nro wo to stand this kind of thing any longer P 7. All.— No, no, no I „_ Leila.— Do we livo in a land whore one particular class are to bo allowed to do every-: thing, just, os like, whether ifc is just or otherwise,' and whore all tho benoflts whioh a' Government can confer aro swallowed up bv a clasß to tho sorions injury of tho interests of the whole community P ' : Ait, — No, no, no ! LeiijA.— Aro we to continue to be swamped by doublo votes, tickled by specious speeches, imposed upon by a lying Press, fleeced of our fair proportions, our resources squandered elsowhorp, and ourselves doludod and befooled atrociously P All -No 1 Leila.— ln one word, ladies, is this pro* mising Country to be jobbed out of existence P Alt..— No, no ! Bmphatioally, no ! ("Entor Scleno and tho Hon J. H L.) The Hon J. H—L. —This is getting sorions. This must bo stopped at once. Ladies, soo you not that publio notice. Disperse nt once, or I'll send for Brobam. Sel.— Hush ! We havo not got aßroham, The Hon J. H— l. — V>hat, not somo old thing P Then, I'll fetch the Mayor and tho special constables. Sbl.— Thoy won't oa*e a dump for the Mat or or tho specials, Tho Hon J. H—L.— Desperate cases demand desperate remedies. I'll send for tho Boxing Day rioters and tho pick-handles. Sbl.— Thank heaven they aro all looked up. Tbo Hon J. H-L.— Turn tho Wai* makariri on thom. Sel — Alae ! Whito's cylinder soheme is yet a dream. There's no fire prevention horo but the tanks. Leila.— Oomo, my frionds. Let us strike a blow— a decitivo blow— in the sacred causo of freedom, and, what is moro sacred still, tho chance of getting into ofllco ourselves. All.— Hear! hoar I hear! (Kxount fairies, L.) Tho Hon J. II— l.— Hence, como away with mc, my lovo i and wo shall ciroumvont them yet. (Exit tho Hon J. H— l, Selenp, B.) (Enter Darino nni Mr B n, L.) Dab,— Moro letters in tbo papers. .. Mr B n.— What's tho row now P Dab.— lt' b all about a town hall and waterworks. They say they want these things. ' Mr B— n.— Well, givo 'cm to 'om, or at least protend to do so, whioh may bo after all vastly bettor for 'em. Old Mother Hubbard is now up n tree, and Black-well carrj* out White's scheme But, ha! an idea. Just you, offer promiums for designs. Havo 'cm in. Stick 'cm on a wall. Excito the publie. Thirty architects and thirty engineers givo their brains, and their monoy, and their labour. Got a committeo—a big committeo of wiseacres that know nothing— to louk nfter tho arrangement, but don't you over pay any premiums. Pick out somo of thom for choice, and then say they won't do ; that you didn't moan them, but something olso— DAB.— Ob, if this is tho way to humbug tho peoplo I shall resign. I am tired of office. Mr R N.— lmpossiblo ! Tirod of offico ! I never heard of such a thing. Dab— Yes. Don't you over get tired of office down thoro P Mrß N.— Never. And I've had such a job to got offico that I'm not likely to tiro of it in n hurry. Dak.— And does no ono ev< r cet tirod of offioo P B Mrß n.— Such a thing is positively unknown. Dab.— Well, thon, toll mo how you manogo to Bcouro popular favour. Mr B jr. — Blcts you, my denr, wo never had such a thing. Bufc wo manogo to circuInto such lies nboufc our opponents, to slander and dofamo tho most capnblo ond honourable among thom to such an oxtont that those who do not porcoivo our littlo game, at least 1 believo ue, and think that wo must bo tho right -.tuff—the real grit— nnd so they aro induced to play into our hands. Dab.— Oh, dear! How vast) j clever! But

tell me, ia it trno thot yon have tried to job tho District Bailways, sold the country to Auckland, swindled Canterbury out of her just duos, and done nothing but a lot of scandals, Mr B n.— »Tis true. i P AB, ,r A . nd t,,at *f° u "mean to continue in this policy in order to hold office at any price. Mr B — ir.-Yes, that is so. Dab.— ln a word, you have offended all the conons of good taste, perpetrated an outrage upon your principal opponent by turning him out of bis sent for Christoburch } offended nil right-thinking men, by sticking a rejected conJidatein his place { eold tho Province, of which you wero once Superintendent, to Otngo 5 maddened the people, and trod upon the loe» of everybody. . M .? 1 ,mve - B «t come with me to the Committee room. Wo shall have some wine, and I shall be delighted to explain everything to youf satisfaction. '#»'. ~ , (Exit with Darine, L.) (Enter Zayda with Major A n, R.) ZAT.-Ob, Majaw, I am to glad. They have been abusing mo so. Major A- — n.— Why, dearest P Zay.-WcII, they say that I make all sorts of promises and don't keep 'em. M °J° A -; A— K.-M y love, they are always saying that of me, but I don't mind it. As for a promise— pooh ! What is itP : Zay.— Well, what is it P ; Major A--N.-I will tell you. A promise is tliat by which a politician out of office makes people beliove that he will do what he doesn t mean to do whon ia office. Zay.— Good gracious! ond that is earthly morality. Major A H.—Not at all. It is earthly diplomacy. ZAY.— And it is thus that Ministers of State in the Happy Land inculcate reason, philosophy and religion! Major A n.— l beg your pardon, we don t teach 'em religion at all— wo leave that for Hcnncberry nnd Chiniquy. w (Knter Fairy.) Faiby,— Madam, the Addington work* shops— ! Zay.— Are gone. I know it well, along with Conyers and all his staff. Otago, South* land, and all their crowd aro j übilant. Oliver has dono it. (Enter Darine with Mr B— — n.) Dab.— The Oity Council are besieged. ! Mr R— N.— r Ti 8 true. Cass, Binstead, and valiant Clifford, headed by Cabbage Wil* son have risen in rebellion, and mean to storm tbo Counoil Chamber. They threaten to let looso the Waimakariri and drown the city, or, if that prove inoperative, to try your constitution with firo. (Enter Selene and the Hon J. H—l.) Sbl.— Sisters 1 save yourselves I We are drifting away. The Hon J. H—l.— Yes, we have cut the painter at last. Zay.— Good gracious! What do you mean. The Hon J. H—L.— Ladies, as I have already had the honour to explain to you, my mission in lifo is the solution of continuity, and whenever I sco anything that holds anything together I cut it. • Sbl.— Yes, he's cut all the railways, and all the telegraph offices, and all the staylaccs, and all— all— all the bonds of society. , Tho Hon J. H— l.— Yos, I have nothing left to out now but— (Enter Leila.) Lbila.— His stick— and he'd better do that as soon as possible. The Hon J. H—L.— Cut my stick j, ch, Majaw P Major A N.— H*! Ha! My dear boy I His stick, ladies P Mr R-— n.— ls the last thing a member of Parliament ever thinks of cutting. Enter Opposition. ' Faibibs.— Resign ! Resign ! Sel.— Nover. We havo a majority of two „ Faibibs. — Resign! Rosign! Resign! Bbl.— Oh, Johnnio, tell me when earthly Premiers have a majority of only two what do they do P „ Tho Hon J. H—l— Cull for a dissolution. Sel. — And don't resign. The Hon J, H—l. — Wo never resign. Zay.— And don't npologise P Mr B — N.— We nevor apologise. Dab. — Aad you call that patriotism P Major A — jr.— Wo call that patriotism. Sbl.— And pray what is patriotism ? 1 , , The Hon J. H—l. — Patriotism P Why patriotism is the ladder by which the rising statesman climbs to the pinnaclo of place. Zay.— And what is place P Major A n.— Plnco! Whyphco is tho pinnaclo seated upon which tho rison statesman kicks away the ladder of patriotism. Sbl. — And these are the principles you bring us from your Happy Land. Sisters, I've dona with ofllco. Givo mo a J.P.-ship, and lot mo end my days in respectability and peace. Mr B N.— l say if the Opppsition come in, fairy-land will be too hot to hold us. Af ajor A N.— That's true. Let's be off. Tho Hon J. H—l.— Where's my bag ? Thb Boad to Kabul All.— Farowell. Sbl. } Zay. > Farowell I Deceivers ! Dab.) The Hon J. 11-i— How could I toll whothor yon wanted truth or facts P, [I governed you as we govern down below. Skl — How couldst thou tell ? 0 miserable mau I Art thou all selfishAll corrupt- all bneo P Hast thou no knowlodgo of the sort of woo It is to note on great division nights Majorities grow less P To rise midst jeers, To find thy bills thrown out, Thy jobs exposed, Thy Ministerial progrommo deemed a jest, Thy budget a financial mockery P Oh, thoro aro words for o f hcr agonies, But nono for this? Tho Hon J. H—l. — I know it all— l have endured it nil! Major A N.— Oh yes, wo know it. Come, let us away. Sel.— No, no— thou shnlt not go I Thoushaltnotgo! My chief— my orring chief— B ufcyefc my chiof — my lovo— my artful loveBut still my lovo! Forgive me, Johnnie, if in my haste 1 havo misjudged thee. Publio life is hard, And fiorce the light that beats On public mon. It may bo that thy speeches woro heartfelt, And thy iust aim Beform. But prudenco still should counsel thee Tthat trick«ry and wrong did never yet, In all this wicked world, Bring out that grief and woe. Zay.— Oh. Major mine, Forgire mo if I cling about thy knees ; Thoro aro worse men than theo— Worse" Ministers 5 forgot the fearful past, And live for public weal and common good. Dab.— Civility costs littlo, dearest Bolly, And reaps a rich return. Bovengc is sweet But never wholesome Rule thy taunting tongue, And tako thy Darine to thy heart ngnin. The Hon J. H—L.— Young woman, cling not thus about my neck, I am not that which I was wont to be. Major A N.— Unhappy girl, release mo —got thee gono ! Got thco to a telegraph office ! go! go! go ! Mr R x.— May I be— blessed— but nil theso maidens hero Enter the Avenging Vegetable. Hon J. H—L.— Ah, thou fearful form ! What dost thou hero P Tho Avßxaixa Vegetable.— l am tho greatest orator that over lived. I was tho first Mayor of Chrißtchurch and when I was a momber of tho Provincial Council no mnn could hold n farthing candle to mo I havo been to America England nnd nil ovor tho Continent of Europe and I say it advisedly that no city in tho human world has such cabs as there aro to bo found in Chrißtchurch whon I was n member of tho Provincial Council I have Bpokcn for twelve hours at ono stretch and no man even Mr Gladstone or Lord Bcaconsficld ever gavo utterance to such eloqticnco again nnd ngnin and ngnin I say that Mayor Tek doos not know how to conduct tho business of the City Council whon I was n momber of tho Provincial Council I spoko for sixteen hours at ono time and the Marquis of Normnnby told mo lio nover heard such a flow of beautiful hnguago oven in tho Houso of Lords— never, nover novor when I was tho first Mnvor of Christchurch I gavo twci-ly-flve pounds out of my own pocket lo buil 1 » lamp-post and I say again and a^oin and again— I Mr R n.— Toll us, thou uwful form, ; from whence thon *W, nnd fur what improper purposo art thou hero ? Tho Avbnoinu Vi:gktaiilk. — (Pointing downwards and sinking with tho three)— From below I camo mid to beneath roturn. You by your corruptions and your petty tricks aro not fitted to livo, much less to govern. You must como with me to Iho Shades.

(Cborne— " Down among the dead men.") ' Sbl.— Ah I What a hideous dream. Dab.— What a terrible nightmare possesses me I 55*Y.— What horrors have I suffered ! j 1 *"" ° 5 >twn9 no dream. 1 here tbey stand, the destroyers of our pence, and by their side a stout and corpulent fonn which scorns to bear them to»n awful doom. One word. (The three rise again.) Popular Go* vernment is too expensive a luxury for us. Depart in peace, and carry the news to Wei* lington. (Sorg and Dance.) Tune-Cnrry me back to Mary. Selknb (solo)-O, Johnny Bsll's too much for us, Cho— And we are all deluded I Dabinb (toloJ-Bolleston's neither hotter no worse, Cho— And we arc all deluded! Zaydu (solo)— Tbey are tho rummiest crew we ever saw, Cho— And we arc all deluded I Lbila (solo)— They neither care for right nor law, Cho— And we are all deluded I Carry the news : — * Girry the news to Christohurcb. Carry the news. , We are all deluded! Carry tbe news. Carry the news to Christchorch, Carry tbe newt— tbe news. *» , , Wear© all deltdedl J H—l (solo)— The great'st of statesmen io me you see, Cho— And we are all deluded ! B— » (solo)— But lam even greater than ho, Cho— And we are all deluded! A-n (solo) -I'm the wisest Treasurer lem was known. And we are all deluded ! Avbnoino Vioitabm (wlo)-I am the big* gest cabbage ever was crown, Cho— Carry the news. And we are all deluded I Lbila (eolo)— So now you've seen our little pi»y» Cho— And are not now deluded ! Zatdtj (solo)— We trust you'll oome another day, Cho— But not to be deluded t Damsb (solo)-We hope tbat Ball will turn out right, Cho— But don't you be deluded I Sblknb (solo)— And eo we bid you all good night, Cho— And don't yon be deluded I Carry the news. The right to place the "Happy Land" upon any stage in New Zealand is in the hands of the Editor of this journil, and no representation of it will be permitted union his consent in writing shall have been first obtained.— E». Btab,