Page 4 Advertisements Column 4

Star (Christchurch), Issue 3539, 14 August 1879, Page 4

RESUSCITATION OF THB LONG-MOULDERING DISEASE AND DEATH-DESTROYER! LOST! LOST! LOST! LOST! IN NOAH'S ARK, AT THE TIME OF THE GREAT JTLOOD ! Startling Delusions ! Professor Gtussoott, The Renowned Herbalist and chiropodist, nAS Recently awakened to the fact of his being Under a painful delusion. He lias all through life been taught that the love of life is strong in every individual ; that under its influence persons wilt have rocourse to the most costly means to keep themselves alive. Hollowat knew this, and so, with a box of pellets and a jar of grease, he ha' 3 made a fortune. That preparation of Cockle's, swallowed so largely by a -public eager to live, has also made its owner a fortune. People will live, they say, and so fortunes have been made, and are yet being made, easily. As all medicines advertised aro positive cures, tho public, of course, buy them. NOW COMES THE PROBLEM. If all thcßß Medicines, compounded of such curious and unpronouncable materials, cure all thoso to whom they are administered, then there is nothing left for PROFESSOR GUSSCOTT, but to KILL, which he must do on a large scale, as HIS MEDICINES ARE EAGERLY SOUGHT AFTER, and are to be SEEN in EVERY HOUSE. The Professor has concluded that the old theory that PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE is !Fai,Bß, and their applying to him for the means to quit the scone in suck large numbers, is the best proof the public can have of the correctness of his conclusions. What astonishes him most is the fact that , cures are effected of the most malignant diseases, and of every variety of such unexpected remedies, aa "Mineral Poisons," Jars of Scented Grease, and Solutions of Epsom Salts, coloured with chalk, and scented with Peppermint, the virtues of which have been sung by the Wild Children of the Forest, and applauded by the learned in our Colleges. While his KILLING should be effected by THE BEST HERBS, directly imported from the best houses in America, nor is he less surprised that people should come to have WARTS AND CORNS EXTRACTED, without undergoing any pain, when they canhavo them burnt off ' by Caustic and Blue Stone, as the horsc-slioer burns off the superfluous portion of the animals hoof. The Professor is perfectly astonished at the ways of the world, and he is resolved, if the people mean to die, to dispense the means of their doing so, as on their own heads, and not on lib?, will the responsibility lay. 835° OWING TO THE INCESSANT DRAIN ON HIS STRENGTH, by attending to tho call of so many in the district THE PROFESSOR,. Has taken himself to Manchesteb Steeet, CnaiSTcnT/Bca' (Opposite Laurie's Timber Yard), ! Where, in the quiet seclusion of his Pbivaie Room, ho will try to recruit his Btrength., If people will persist in following him, and arc wislifultopull him down with themselves, they will find it NECESSARY NOT TO BREAK IN THE DOOR OF HIS ROOM, nor KICK AT THE WALLS, until they awoken the whole street in their efforts to make him hear. '' IMPORTANT DISCOVERY-! ! GREAT DISCOVERY ! ; •- i j Peofessom. GrsscoiT, Herbalist, Chiropodist, and Curor of fiiscasosi n General, begs to inform the residents of Duncdih, thap he possesses, the sr-i-rct of a Great- Discovejby which has enabled- him to obtain "Signal ' Victdries over ,.the greatest enemies' of man. Phjlosophei-s are agreoil t lint Nature is pregdjujl Tvith flcerbl* which, if ' known, vjonld Cure Life of, all its Ills. Disease is a prolific parent of ilia-- a "monster" which has more than matched' the Jearuihgahd skill of, ecu-, ttiries. Doctors, have claimed tlio excljiis've right .to. deal. '.with diseases, and theyhnjve t< ■ conspicuously Ftiiled as to become proven lif Napoleon Bnonnparto J summed wp thpa esultfl of their skill aa inimical to Mankind, and as a. rule lie carefully avoidbdj both Doctor* and their Drug?. . The s imperious Corsican, however, could only -speak fropi the past and from what ho observed. • He had no idea that in the fullness of time there.would arise one PkofbssOb GtrflaCoTT j whos;e skill so omnipotent in curing disease, would be tjie wonder of his age. The Professor] after years of research, in which Nature's !repository waß ransacked, at longth discovered the Kikg of Pain, and tlio secret of destroying thoso monsters which make" wretched" co mahv of his race. Armed with the darfs of Science, dipped in Herbal Juices, the Professor, like the chivalrous knights of feudal limes, enters the arena where the-irionstcrs of disease love to revel — and now behold him ! Sco the serenity with which confidence invests him! There, feasting on its victims — whose sufferings are hellish — in Dyspepsia and its loathsome brood, whoso name is legion. There ia Fever, breathing its fiery blast through the veins of the helpless babe. There Consumption, like the fabled' Vulture of the Ancients, ie eating out the vitaL organs of its victim, while, with deceitful breath, it promises him life. There is Cholera, fastened on the strong and robust, cramping thorn in convulsive agonies. While mingled in inextricable confusion, are Disease Fiends of every shape, making the scene hideous with their infernal work. Now the Professor advances, and now his enemies recoil, as one by one they receive' a thrust until the . last dies— the oppressiv« stillness of the scene, proolainring the omnipotence of P. BOFBSSOB Qhb§cott. The fame M tho Professor is abroad throughout the land. •. 1 ' THE PR OF ESS OR MAY BK BBRH AT MANCHESTER STREET, And he will recommend his - TONIC! As th« greatest destroyer, KOT O» MAN AND WOMAN, , That the World haa ever seen. LADIM AND QjilfTLSKßlf— Don't misunderstand the Professor, his Medicine kills Disease, while the Pills and Grease, the Mineral Poison, the Epsom Salts, and Chalk Water, fatten Disease. .■■ r •-• Don't Fobgbt — PROFESSOR GUSSCOTTS RENOWNED TONIC! Made from the best American Herbs, Discovered by Adam and Evb in the Garden of Eden, by which they were cured when seriously ill from eating apples, and handed down through all the male branches of the family until it reached Porfessor Gubbcott, who is a child of the good old pair. Don't mistake the Address — MANCHESTER STREET (Opposite Laurie'B Timber Yard).