Page 4 Advertisements Column 4

Star (Christchurch), Issue 3524, 28 July 1879, Page 4

RESUSCITATION OF THB LONG-MOULDERING DISEASE AND DEATH-DESTROYER ! . LOST! ; tpgXj LOST! LOST! iff NOAH'S ARK, AT THE TISTB OF THB GREAT JTLOOD ! Startling Delusions ! JTROFESSOR GrUSSOOTT,, The Renowned HERBALIST AND CHIROPODIST, HAS Recently awakened to the fact of hiß being Under a painful delusion. He lias all through lifo been taught that the love of life is strong in overy individual ; that under its influence persons will have recourse to tho most costly means to keop themselves alive. Hollowat knew this, and so, with a box of pellets and a jar of grease, ho has made a fortune. That preparation of Cockle's, swallowed so largely by a publio oager to live, has also made its owner a fortune. People will live, they say, and bo fortunes have been made, and are yet being made, easily. As all medicines advertised are positive cures, the public, of course, buy them. NOW COMES THB PROBLEM. If all these Medicines, compounded of suoh curious and unpronouncablo materials, cure all those to whom they are administered, then there is nothing left for PROFESSOR GUSSCOTT, but to KILL, which he must do on a large scale, as HIS MEDICINES ARE EAGERLY SOUGHT AFTER, and aro to be SEEN in EVERY HOUSE. The Professor has concluded that tho old theory that PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE ib False, and their applying to him for tho meanß to quit tho scono in suoh large numbers, is the best proof the publio can have of the correctness of his conclusions. What astonishes him most is the faot that cures are offocted of tho most malignant diseases, and of every variety of such unexpected remedies, as "Minoral Poisonß," Jars of Scented Grease, and Solutions of Epsom Salts, coloured with chalk, and scentod with Peppermint, tho virtues of which have boen sung by the Wild Children of tho Forest, and applauded by the learned in our Colleges. While his killing. Bhould be effected by THE BEST HERBS, directly importod from the best houses in America, nor is ho less surprised that people should come to havo WARTS AND CORNB EXTRACTED, without undergoing any pain, when they can havo them burnt off by Caustic and Bluo Stone, as tho horso-shocr burns off the superfluous portion of tho animal's hoof. Tho Professor is perfectly astonished at tho ways of the world, and ho is resolved, if the peoplo mean to die, to dispense the moans of their doing bo, as ou their own heads, and not on his, will the responsibility lay. {£5T OWING TO THE INCESSANT DRAIN ON HIS STRENGTH, by attending to tho call of so many in the district THE PROFESSOR, lias taken himself to Manchester Street, Chbibtohuboh (Opposito Laurie's Timbor Yard), Where, iv tho quiet seclusion of his PBIVATB Room, he will try to recruit his strength. If people will persist in followiug him, and aro wishf id to pull him down with themselves, they will find it NECE3SARY NOT TO BREAK IN THE DOOR OF HIS ROOM, •Aor KICK AT THE WALLS, until they awaken the wholo street in thoir efforts to make him hear. IMPORTANT DISCOVERY!! GREAT DISCOVERY ! Pbofe3sor Gusscott, Herbalist, Chiropodist, and Curcr of Diseascsi n Genoral, begs to inform the residents of Dunedin, that ho possesses the secret of a Gbbat Dibcoveby whicli hns enabled him to obtain Signal Victories over the greatest encmios of man. Philosophers are agreed that Naturo is pregnant with secrets which, if known, woidd Cure Life of all its Ills. Disease is a prolific parent of ills— a " monster" which has more tban matched tho learning and skill of centuries. Doctors havo claimed tho OxclusVo right lo deal with dis.ases, and thoy have t- ■ conspicuously failed as to become prove. • l Napoleon Buonaparto Bummed up tho < esuits of thoir skill as inimical to Mankind, and as a rulo ho carefully avoided both Doctors and their Drugs. The imperious Corsicun, however, could only speak from the past and from what he observed. He had no idea that in tho fullness of timo thero would arise ono Pbofbssob Gubbcott, whose skill bo omnipotent in curing disease, would be tho \ wonder of his ago. The Professor, after years of research, in winch Naturo's ropository was ransacked, at length discovered tho Kino of Pain, and the Becret of destroying thoso monsters which make " wretched so many of his race. Armed with the dartß of Science, dipped in Herbal Juices, the Professor, like the chiralrou. knights of feudal times, enters tho arena whore the monsters of disease lovo to revel — and now behold him! See the serenity with which confidence invests him ! Thore, feasting on its victims — whoso Bufferings ore hellish — in Dyspepsia and its loathsome brood, whose name is legion. Thero is Fever, breathing its fiery blast through tho voins of tho helpless babe. There Consumption, like the fabled Vulture of the Ancients, is eating out tho vital organs of its victim, whilo, with deceitful breath, it promises him life. Thero is Cholera, fastened on the strong and robust, cramping them in convulsive agonies. While mingled in inextricable confusion, are Disease Fiends of every shape, making the scene hideous with their infernal work. Now the Professor advances, and now his enemies recoil, as one by ono they receive a thrust until the last dies— the oppressive stillness of the scene, proclaiming the omnipotence of Pbofbbsob Gubbcott. The fame of the Professor is abroad throughout the land. THE PROFESSOR < MAT BR SEEN AT MANCHESTER STREET, And ho will recommend his TONIC! As tho greatest destroyer, NOT OF MAN AND WOMAN, That the World has ever seen. Ladies and Gbntlembn— Don't misunderstand the Professor, bis Medicino kills Disease, while the Pills and Grease, the Minoral Poison, the Epsom Salts, and Chalk :Wa_or,;fatten Disease, \* Don't FobgbtA. PROFESSOR GUSSCOTT'S RENOWNED TONIO! Mado from the best American Herbs, Discovered by Adam and Eva in the Gardon of Eden, by which they were oured when seriously ill from eating apples, and handed down through all the maio branches of tho family until it reached Porfessor Gusscott, who is a ohild of the good old pair. Don't mistake tho Address— MANOHESTER STREET (Opposite Laurie's Timber Yard).