A MYSTERIOUS VISIT.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 2684, 2 November 1876, Page 3

A MYSTERIOUS VISIT.

HOW MASK TWAIH WAS "POMPBD" BY THS BEVEKTTB offices. i, T1 l? fc nofcico that ™ M *»*** <> f »ne when settled down," reoontly, was by a gentleman • ? l £ 6waß 0I » assessor, and conneoted with tho U.B. Internal Rovenue Department. I said I had never heard of this branoh of business before, but I was very glad to see him all tho same j would he sit down. He sofcdown. I did not know anything to say, J, d yy et ? frit that people who had arrived at the dignity of keeping house must be conversational— musfc be easy and sociable in company. So, in default of anything else I bad to say, I asked him if he was opening his -ri ) -i a our ne, 'ghbourhood. He said he was. [I did not wish to appear ignorant, bufc I hod hopod he would mention whafc he had for V-L 1 vontured to ask him "how was trado P" and ho said "So, so." I then said wo would drop in, and if we liked his house as woll as any other we might givo bim our oustom. Ho said he thought wo should like 1 his establishment well enough to confine ourselves to it— and ho never saw anybody who would go off and hunt up another man in his lino after trading with him onoe. That sounded pretty complacent, but— barring the natural expression of villainy whioh wo all havo, tho man looked honest enough, I do not know how ifc came about oxactly, but gradually we appeared to melt down and run togethor, conversationally spreading, and then everything went along as oomfortable as clockwork. Wo talkod and talked, and talked — at least I did. And we laughed, and laughed, and laughed— at least he did. But all tho time I had my presence of mind about mo— l had my native shrewdness turned on "full head" as the engineors say. I was determined to find out all about his business, in spite of his obscure answers, and I was determined I would have ifc all oufc of him without his suspecting what I was at. I moant to trap him with a deep ruse, I would tell all aboufc my own business, and ho would so warm to mo during this soduofcive burst of confidence thafc ho would forget himself and tell mo all aboufc hie affairs before he suspected what I was about. I thought to myself, " My Bon. you littlo know what an old fox ycu are dealing with." I said, "Now, you would novor guess whafc I made leoturing this winter and last spring P " "No—don't beliovo I oould to save men. Let mo see— let mo see. About two thousand dollars, maybe. But no— no, sir, I know you couldn't have made thafc muoh. Say seventeen hundred maybe." "Ha, ha! I know you couldn't. My leoturing roneipto lasfc spring and fchis wintor wero fourteen thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars. What do you think of that now ? " " Why, it is amazing— perfeotly amazing. I will make a noto of it. And you say that wasn't all ? " " All P Why, bless you, there was my inoome from tho Buffalo Express for four months — about — woll, what should you say to about eight thousand dollars, for instance P" •« Say ! Why 1 should say I should like to sco mysolf rolling in just suoh another ocean of eflluonoe. Eight thousand ! I'll make a noto of ib ! Why, man— and on the top of all this am I to understand that you had still moro incomo ?" "Ha, ha, ha! Why, you're only in the suburbs of ifc, so to speak — 'The Innocents abroad,' price 3.60d0l to sdol, according to the binding. Listen to me. Look me in the oyo. During tho last four monthß and a half, saying nothing of sales bofore that, bufc simply during fcho last four months and a half onding Maroh 15, 1870, we've cold ninetyfive thousand oopies of tbat book ! Ninetyflvo thousand ! Tbink of it ! Average four dollars a oopy, say. It's nearly four hundred thousand dollars, my son. I get half." — «• Tho Suffering Moses ! I'll set that down. Fourteen— seven — fifty— eight— two hundred. Total, say, woll, upon my word, tho grand total is about two hundred and thirteen or fourteen thousand dollars. Is that possible P" — " Possible P If there's any mistake it's tho ofchor way. Two hundred and fourteen thousand dollars cash is my inoome for tbis year if I know how to oypher." Then the gentloman gofc up to go. It came over me most nnoonif orlablo that maybe I had made my revelations for nothing, besides being flattered into strefcohing thorn considerably by the stranger's astonished exclamation. But no ; at the lasfc moment the gentleman banded me a largo cnvolope and said it contained his adver tisoment j and that I would find out all about his business in it j and that he would be happy to have my oustom— would in faot be proud to liave the oustom of a man of suoh prodigious income ; and that be used to tbink thero wore soveral wealthy men in Buffalo, but when they oame to trade with them he discovered that they barely had enough to livo on ; and that in truth it had been such a weary ago since he had seen a rich man, face to faoo, and bulked to him, and touched him with his hands, fchat he could hardly refrain from embraoing mo — in fact would esteem it a groab favour if I would let him embrace me. This ploaeed mo so that I did not try to resist, bufc allowod this simple-hosrfced stranger to throw his arms around me and weep a fow tranquillizing tears down the back of my neck. Then he wont his way. As soon as he was gono I opened his advertisement. I studied ifc attentively for four minutes. I thon called up the cook and said: " Hold me while I faint. Let Maria turn tho battercakes." By-and-bje, when I came to, I sent down to fche rum-mill on fche new cornor, and hired an artist by fche week to sit up nights and ourec fchafc stranger, and givo me a lift occasionally ia the daytime when I came to a hard place. Ah, what a miscreant ho was ! His " advertisement " was nothing in the world but a wiokod tax roturn— a string of impertinent quoetions about my privato affairs, occupying tho best; part of four foolscap pages of fino print; — questions that were calculated to make a man report about four times his aotual inoome fco koep from swearing a lie. I looked for a loopholo, bub thero did not appear to be any. Inquiry No. 1 oovered my case as generously and amply as an umbrella oould cover an ant-hill. " What wore your profits, in 1869, from any trade, business, oravooation, wherovor carriod on?" And that inquiry was backed up by thirteen others of an equally searching nature. It was plain that that stranger had enabledjme to make an ass of mysolf. Ifc wai very very plain, and 1 went out and hired another artist. By working on my vanity the stranger had seduotd me into deolaring an inoome of 214,000 dols. By law, 1000 dols. of this was exempt from Income Tax— the only relief I oould see, and it was only a drop in the ocean. At the legal five per oent. I must pay over to tbe Government the appalling sum of ten thousand six hundred and fifty dollars Inoome T»x. [I may remark, in this plaoe, that I did not do it.] lam

acquainted with a very "opulent man, whose house was a palace, whose table is regal, whose outlays are numerous, yet a man who has no income, as I have noticed by the revenue returns, and to him I went tor advice in my i distress. He took my dreadful exhibition of receipts, he pot on his glasses, he took his pen. and presto I— l was as a pauper ! It was the neatest thing tbat eTer was. He did it simply by deftly manipulating the bill of "Deductions." He set down my " State, national, and municipal taxes " at so muoh j •* my losses by shipwreck, fire," Ac.— on "live stock— on " payment! for rent of homestead "—on "repairs, improvements, and interest"— on «' previously taxed salary as an officer of the United States army, navy, revenue service," and other things. He got astonishing "deductions " out of each and every one of those matters, and when be was done he handed me the paper, and I saw at a glance that during tbe year 1869 my income, in tbe way of profits, had been one thousand two hundred and fifty dollars and fifty oents. "Now, said he, " the thousand dollars is exempted by law. What you want to do is to go and swear this document in, and pay tax on the two hundred and fifty dollars." I went down to the revenue offioe, aud imder the accusing eye of my old visitor, I stood up and swore to lie after lie, fraud after fraud, villainy after villainy, till my immortal soul was coated inches and inches thick with perjury, and my ! self-respect was gone for ever and ever. But I what of it ? It is nothing more than thonsands of the highest, and richest, and proudest, and most respected, honoured, and courted men in America do every year. 8o I don't oare. lam not ashamed. — Mark Twain.