VARIETIES.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 2431, 7 January 1876, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Instantaneous commujiication between guard and Dassengers by railway— A Tip. A jilted one pathetically sings:— " Tis sweet to wait, but oh! how bitter, To wait for a girl and then not git her." Mrs Day, of lowa, is the mother of triplet*. Her husband sadly remarks that no one can tell what a day will bring forth. " Kissing your sweetheart, 1 ' says a trifing young man, " is like eating soup with a forkit takes a long time to get enough." Brown (raids from the newspaper):— "Sturgeon picked up dead on the beach at Weymouth ." Mrs B.: «Lor\ Brown! And it ain't a month ago you and me 'card him preach at the Tabbynacb !** A young widow applied to a person in Gloucester for a few lines to pot on her mourning card. He was a bit of a wag, and wrote the following as appropriate : — l're had the misfortune to lose my old mas, But I'll get another as soon as I can. O! why for the dead should khs liting regret? To those who would wed I'm a widow "To Let." Jones and Brown were talking about a young clergyman, whose preaching they had heard that day. The sermon was rery poor. "What do you think of him?" inquired Brown. « I think," said Jones, «he did much better two years ago." "True," replied Jones, "that is what I mean." "Meister." said an old Scotch semaft, " whether u'fc gude manners, when * gentleman gies ye a glass o' whusky, to t»k' a drap or drink aff the hsill o't?" The master having, in homely Sootoh phrase, judiciously replied to this poser that the courtesy ooosisted io imbibing the whole, the man exclaimed, with a sigh of relief, "Then, gndo be thankit, I was mannerly !" Vanguard Court MarUaL— By the Court j Captain D., why did you slacken speed when you got into a fog?— Captain D.: If yon please, sir, I thought —By the Court: What the devil business had you to think? Up to the masthead immediately, sir! • • By the Court : Captain H., why did yon not reduce speed when you got into a fogP— Captain H, : If you pleaie, sir, I did not think—— —By the Court : What the deril business had you not to think? Up to the masthead immediately, sir! When the Earl of Bradford Wa* brought before Lord Chancellor Loughborough to be examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against htm, the Lord OhanesUs* asked him, " How many legs has a sheep V* "Does your lordship mean/* answwed Cord Bradford, "a lire or a dead sheep risU not the same thing?" said the Cbaaoelkr. "sa, 07 lord, I ' ssM the shrewd Btfdnan, M ttes> ii much difference; • tiring a|tep may harefo« legs, » dead sheep he* only two* That* are but two legs of mutton) t^ two fort legs are shoulders., ____—»■,