VARIETIES.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 2041, 22 September 1874, Page 3

VARIETIES.

A barrister, wishing to impeach the respectability of a witness, menacingly asked him "Come now, are yon not in the habit of drinking ?" •' Of coarse I am," was the reply, " else I should long ago have died of thirst." . " A tinpenny, your honour^" exclaimed a sturdy beggar, at a carriage door, to a Scotchman with fiery ringlets, but who was quite insensible to the appeal ; '•" a lipenny, your honour ; a fipenny, or a penny, or a halfpenny, plase ye." Finding the Scot inexorable, tin bPggar altered his tone, and said, " Wj 1 your honour please to lend me a lock of your h-dr to light my pipe *.ith ?" •\ v.Uage shoemaker, with a literal turn of mind, has the following poetical gem :ittached to I. is shingle: — " Here lives anmti who nevcc refuses, To mend .1 1 sorts of boots and shm;ses." A breach of promise! cise has just been decided at Fort Wayu>. Only one letter was imt into the case but that w;is most tonclusiv.-. It read as follows : -." Mi hart beets only for the, uri darlink huzzy." Verdict for the darlink liuzzy. V ■■; A distinguished professor was in Edinburgh one wet Sunday, and, desiring to go to church, he hire<i a :■ cab. -< m reaching the church <oor he tendered a chilling — the legal fare— to cabby, and was. somewhat surprised to hear the cabman say, " Twa shullin', sir." The professor, fixing his eagle eyes upon the extortioner, demanded why he charged two shillings, upon which the cabman drily answered, " We wish to discourage travelling on the Sawbath as . much as possible, sir." : . It would seem that Prussia has not a whole soldier left, as it is officially announced that her troops are now. all in quarters. Little Girl (to fond father, who is in the habit of making conundrums) : " I think I have made a good conundrum."-— Fond Father: " Well, what is it ?"— Little Girl : " Why is a steam engine like a kettle ?" — Father: "Well, why P"— Girl ; "Oh, I haven't made the answer yet." Smith, the laureate of the United States, has done this in honour of the lady he has jußt taken out of her weeds : — " The gleam of her eye was bright, The gleam of her gold was brighter j The first was a beautiful sight, The second a beautiful sighter." Numbers of persons have been hoaxed at Padiham. It was announced by placards that " Signor Unsinque ." would perform extraordinary feats on the River Calder, concluding with a drive on the river, drawn by geese. "The geese," it was stated, "will previously parade the banks of the river." There was a great crowd on each side of the river." .. .. •. ,■;■ .■.;,:■•;.■■ Jean Johnston, ,of Old Deer, being aged eighty, and the widow of three husbands, lately married for her fourth a young man of eighteen, who afterwards bound himself apprentice to a wheelwright. " She stems exceedingly well .pleased with him, and remarks that, had it not been for the many changes of husbands she has been blessed with, she must have long ago been dead." She lived, too,' in hopes of a fifth husband, should this one unfortunately not live long. A Hi«Jilander wag sorely troubled about the scientific assertion that the sun was a stP«on<iry body, and did not move round the ..■arth. " For," said he to his minister, "didn t Joshua command the sun to stand still?"— " Very welll," responded the parBon, " show.me, if you can, the passage of Scripture where it was said that Joshua ever commanded the sun to move again." A DISTINGUISHED LITBEABY VISITOB.— Mr J. A. Froude, the eminent historian, is about to leave England on a visit to all the English colonies all over the world. Mr Froude -vuUbegin with the Cape of Good Hope, and fie— -iU^egd with Canada. Mr Froude s absence fromlhs-iajyj will extend over two years. " I have no doußi*?*-.^™, jjj c London correspondent of the New Zeatfe*^ Herald, " that you will welcome Mr Froude to New Zealand ere many months are over." An Aid to Conscience. — There is a grim humour about the following announcement, which appeared recently in the agony columns of a London newspaper: — "Should this meet the eye of a lady, name unknown, who got into a certain train about three weeks ago, with two boys one of whom was evidently just recovering from illness, she may be pleased to learn that three of the four young ladies who were ia the. same carriage are very ill with the measles, and the health of the fourth is very far from what her relations could desire." The CoMirEECB op the Woeld. — In 1855 the foreign commerce of Great Britain, France, United States, Belgium, Germany, Austria, Russia in Europe, Italy, Spain, . Netherlands and Sweden, was estimated at £848,340,000. In seventeen years it more than doubled itself, being in 1872, valued at £1,855,200,000. Great Britain Btonds at the top of the list with £268,400,000 in 1855, and £609,600,000 in 1872 ; France comes next with £150,309,000 and £285,800,000; the United States third, with £107,340,000 and £232,800,00, or a little over double, whereas during the period mentioned ita population increased from 27,000,000 to 41,000,000, while that of France only increased from 35,000,000 to 36,000,000, and that of England from 27,000,000 to 32,000,000. The total increase in commerce during the seventeen years was 118.5 per cent. _____