Varieties.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 489, 10 December 1869, Page 3

Varieties.

A Labge Face. — Somebody, in describing a beautiful lady, says she has " a face that a painter might dwell upon." Rather a broad face that ! Sheridan, speaking of his stay at an hotel, observed — " I call for a bottle of wine that my landlord might live. I abstain from drinking it that I might live too." A Boston spinster, at a recent woman's Rights Convention, said she did not care about female suffrage unless it carried with it the right to make proposals of marriage. A London clergyman advertises that he will " lend " his weekly sermons for half-a--crown apiece, or four for ten shillings, warranted •' original, earnest, and evangelical." A Rocky Mountain editor, alluding to the demand for female suffrage, female doctors, and female clergymen, remarks that another want presents itself — that of female woman. A big fellow who went into one of those dollar stores in P — where they sell any article within the walls for that sum, pounced on the stove for his dollar's worth, and would not relinquish his claim until they paid him 4 / dollars. y^The young ladiea of New York are now -adopting the rdle of " sweet simplicity," and appear at balls and parties in short muslin dresses without ornaments of any kind. The result is offers of marriage are much more numerous than heretofozJQ A man was tried, some lit (le time back, for stealing several clocks. The defence set up by the learned gentleman who appeared for him was this: — That after the prisoner had taken the clocks to his own house, he put 'em all back. The jury didn't see it I Where Ignorance is Bliss, &c. — A Fact. — Party (who has brought back the " mußic" stool in disgust) :—" Look e'ere, Mister Auctioneer, this plaguey thing aint no manner of use at all ; I've twisted 'un round, and ol' woman 'ay twisted 'un round, but sorra a bit of toon we can get out of 'un." Lord Lovet is said to have affirmed that a number of swords which were suspended in the hall of the mansion raised themselves out of their scabbards at the time of his birth. This was held by Mb clan to be a good omen. However, it proved a fatal one, for the unfortunate nobleman was beheaded on Tower Hill for rebellion. S^A clergyman, catechising the youths of his parish, put the first question from the catechism to a girl — " What is your consolation in life and death?" The poor girl smiled, but did not answer. The priest insisted. " Well, then (said she), since I must tell, — it is the young shoemaker, opposite the church, who is courting me?j Even Frenchwomen are disagreeable to one another. Only the other day two " dearest friends" were in conversation. "My dear," said the eldest, "do you know that your husband told me last night that my cheeks were like roses ? " v Yes, love, I know he did. He spoke of it afterwards, and said it was a pity they were yellow roses." A French father was recently trying to persuade a young ward to marry his daughter (the ward was very wealthy). He said: " She has talents even to her fiogers' ends." "I should prefer a thimble there." "She will be the best of literary wives." " I should prefer the best of housewives." She

will go down to posterity." I had much rather she would go to the market." One of tbe most famous divisions of Buonaparte's army was the 70th. It happened that the 71st British regiment, commanded by Brigadier- General Pack was, opposed to it, and beat it. This gallant officer was afterwards asked the particulars of this affair. His account was, "The French found us one too many for them." A somewhat novel, and likely to prove effectual, method of making a wife attend to her maternal duties has been resorted to by a Mr W. R. Partmenter, of Nelson. He adver tises in the Evening Mail : — " Notice. — The friends with whom my Wife Gossips will do well to advise her to go home and attend tc her Baby, Eight Months Old, which suffers much by her neglect. — W. R. Partmenter." Dr Hinchcliffe, who died Bishop of Peterborough, had much ready wit, and was extremely apt at checking those who were fond of cavilling at the meaning of different texts of Scripture. On being asked one day what was to be understood by the expression, " He clothed himself with curses as with a garment." " The clearest thing in the world," replied .the doctor; "the man had a habit of swearing." A young and very pretty lady riding on the cars of the Western and Atlantic (Ga.) Railroad was observed to have a piece of court plaster oh her lip. When the cars had emerged from the long dark tunnel on this road into the light, it was observed to have disappeared ; but the eye instantly detected it clinging to the lips of a young man on the same seat with her ; they both looked as innocent as if they " hadn't been doing nothing." \JTwo Irish soldiers, on a sultry night, imnrediately after their arrival in India, took refuge underneath the bedclothes from a skirmishing party of mosquitoes. At last one of them, gasping from heat, ventured to peep beyond the bulwarks, and by chance espied a firefly which had strayed into the room. Arousing his companion with a punch, he said, " Fergus, Fergus, it's no use. Ye might as well come out ! Here's onjjof the crayters sarchin' for us wid a lantern^ A learned barrister once quoted some Latin verses to a brother " wig," who did not appear to understand them. " Don't you know the lines ? " said he, " they are in Martial." " Marshall," replied his friend, " Marshall— oh ! I know — the Marshall who wrote on underwriting." When this anecdote was related to a certain judge of the Court of Review, he is reported to have said, " Why, after all, there is not much difference between an underwriter and a minor poet." A story is told in a Paris paper of a new method for recovering one's debts. The other day a crowd gathered in the vicinity of the Odeon round a girl with a wooden leg, whom a gentleman at an adjoining window was apostrophising with loud cries and gesticulations. It turned out that the girl was a washerwoman who had gone to the gentleman to ask for payment of her bill, and finding that the money was not forthcoming, she had seized her customer's wooden leg, which was lying in a corner, and had walked off, declaring that she would not return it till she was paid. How to Qoiet Him. — At a late meeting of Presbytery iv America, when the subject of Scripture was under discussion, Brother Watson said, early in hia ministry he and another brother were conducting a meeting in which there was much religious interest, An old man gave expression to bis joy by shouting, and continued until it began to interrupt the services. Brother Hall said to Brother Watson, " Go stop that old man's noise." He went to him and spoke a few words, and the shouting man at once became quiet. " What did you say to the old man that quieted him so promptly ?" Brother Watson replied, " I asked him for a dollar for foreign missions." In a country parish ia Scotland, the minister and the ruling elder went over the muir to visit an old parishioner on a " catechising " visit, and the walk being a long one, their appetites were pretty keen when they arrived. Before commencing the serious business, they suggested that the " inward man" waa clamourous. Janet accordingly went to the " press," and placed on the table country refreshments — bread, milk, Sec; and, seating herself at a little distance, requested her visitors fo fall on. • They soon cleared the board, and the minister remarked, " Now, Janet, we begin the serious business. Do you remember the text last Sunday, Janet ?" " Deed do I," replied Janet, "I mind it weel; it was the miracle of the loaves and the fishes." " And have you pondered the subject during the week, Janet?" "Deed I have; an' I'm thinking tbe noo tbat gin you and the elder had been there, they wadna hae taen up sac many baskets fu'."