Varietes. .»

Star (Christchurch), Issue 283, 10 April 1869, Page 3

Varietes. .»

The best head-quarters — Brains. When does a ship tell a falsehood ? — When she lies at the wharf. When do flowers become highwaymen ? — When they show pistils and stamen. Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard ? — Because he takes tho pledge, but cannot always keep it. ' What is the difference between a drinker ' and a smoker ? — One is a bacchanalian and " the other a tobaccanalian. • Scientific. — lt is said that a certain un- • captured bushranger is called " Thunderbolt " because he leads such a shocking life. , A Yankee contemporary asks, Is it because i so many swells have " handles " to their names tbat they are called " knobs " ? A man out West, who offered bail for a friend, was asked by the judge if he had any incumi brance on his farm. "Oh, yes," said he, " my old woman." An article, announcing the decease of a person, says : — " His remains were committed to that bourne whence no traveller returns accompanied by his friends." An eminent painter, on being asked what ' he mixed his colours with to give so fine an effect, answered, " I mix them with brains, sir." Yankee Sttblisiity. — A New York paper says: — As winged lightnings dart from the heavens when the Eternal has unbarred their bolts, so does a fat nigger run like the deuce when a big dog is after him. Matrimony is hot buckwheat cakes, warm beds, comfortable slippers, smoking coffee, round arms, red lips, kind words, shirts exulting in buttons, redeemed stockings, bootjacks, happiness, &c. Hurrah 1 1 A bashful young man escorted an equally bashful young lady. As they approached the dwelling of the damsel she said, entreatingly, "Zekial, don't tell anybody you beau'd me home." " Sary," said he, emphatically, " don't you mind. lam as much ashamed of it as you are." Contraries — People say they shell peas when they unshell them ; that they husk corn when they unhusk it ; that they dust furniture when they undust, or take the dust from it ; that they scale fishes when they unscale them. Many men say that they are going to weed their gardens when they are weedy enough already.