Varieties.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 282, 9 April 1869, Page 3

Varieties.

,%-A bill posted ou the wall of a country village announces that " a lecture will be delivered in the opyn air, and a collection made at the door to defray expenses." j_t A writer, dwelling upon the importance of small things, says " that he always takes notice, even of a straw, especially if there happen to be a sherry cobbler at the end of it." A Yankee cobbler once returned thanks through the newspapers to thejflre department for saving his stock. This caused great laughter till a person observed that his stock was his awl. A dying West Indian planter groaned out to his favourite negro servant, " Ah, Sambo, lam going a long, long journey ! " " Never mind, massa," said the negro, consolingly: ; " him all down hill." v S An old offender was lately introduced to a new county justice ns John Simmons, alias Jones, alias Smith. " I'll try the two women first," said the bull-headed justice. " Bring in Alice Jones." _/ v Every young man haß a fine season in his life when he will accept no office, and every young woman has the same in hers, when she will accept no husband; by and by they both change, and often take one another into the bargain. — America., paper. A French officer, quarrelling with a Swiss, reproached him with his country's custom of fighting for money, "* whilst we Frenchmen," said he, " fight for honour." " Yes, sir," replied the Swiss, " every one fights for that which he wants most." Remedy fob Thinness — An old miser, who was noted for self-denial, was one day asked why he was so thin. '• I don't know," said the miser ; " I have tried various means of getting fat, but without success." Have you tried victuals ?" inquired the friend. A country schoolmaster began one morning the duties of the day with prayer, as usual; but after prayer he went up and asked a little boy why he hadn't shut his eyes during the prayer, when the boy sharply responded, " We are instructed in the Bible to watch as well as pray." Canon Goodall was proverbially fond of pur ii>ng. About the same time that he was made Provost of Eton he also received a stall at Windsor. A young lady of his acquaintance, while congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give the young ladies of Windsor and Eton a ball during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with hei fan, and caused the powder to fly about ; upon which the doctor exclaimed, **' My dear, you can get the powder out of the canon, t«t not the ball."

, A young lady from the rural districts, who was reading a novel, was asked by a gentleman how she liked the style. " The style ' the style 1 " was the answer ; "oh sir I've '. not come to that yet." ' ' A man in the streets of Paris offers to sell i for a trifling sum to the paßsers-by portraits (secured from view by an envelope) of tbrre ' persons whom, he says to the spectators, ; " you know, love, and esteem. If dissatisfied , with the portraits, you can have the money . returned with a bonus of twenty francs." 1 The purchasers find the portraits are those of the Emperor, Empress, and Prince Impei rial ; and as it is a penal offence to speak disrespectfully of either of them, there are very few claimants of the twenty francs.