Varieties.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 52, 14 July 1868, Page 3

Varieties.

A man who had a scolding wife, being aslced what ho did for a living, replied that he kept a hot house. A tnilor who, in skirting, fell through the ice, declared that ho would never again Icare his hot gooso for a cold duck. K. Jones has discovered tho respective nature of 11 distinction and a difference Hetaya. tlint "n little different " frequently nukes mnny enemies, whilo "a littlo distinction" attracts hosts of friends to one on whom it it conferred. u Ned, what an Mlo fellow you are I I never by any chance look over the gate but I sco you gossiping about in the lane." * Ask your pardon, air," enid Ned, "but I wns just saying that 1 never came into the lane but I found you looking over tho gate," Sir William Curtis sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the excellence of tho knives, lidding, that " articles manufactured from cast steel were of a very superior qnaltty, such aa raawrs, forks," &c "Ay," replied the cockney baronet, "and" soup too— there's no soap like Castile soap." . > A countrymnn walking along the streets of a city in America found his progress stopped by a barricade of wood. " What's this for ?" said ho to a person in Che street. " Uh, that's to «t«>i> the yellow faver." »Ah 1 I've often heard of tlio Board of Health, but I never saw it before." An anecdote worth laughing over is told of a man who had an infirmity as well as an nppctito for flah. Ho was anxious to keep up his character for honesty, oven whilo making a bill with his merchant, as tho story goes, and when his back was turned the honeit buyer slipped a codfish up under hU coat* tail. But the garment was too short to cover tho tlwft, and tho merchant perceived it. " Now," said tho customer, anxious to imp ova all tho opportunities to c.ill attention to his virtues, "Mr Merchant, I have traded with you n great deal, and have paid you up i promptly and honestly, haven't I?" " Ob, | yes," answered tho merchant, v I havo no complaint." «♦ Well," said the customer, "I have always insisted that honesty was the best policy, and the best rule to live and dlo by." " That's so," replied tho merchant, and tho customer turned to depnrt. "Hold on, friend I" cried tho merchant, "Speaking of honesty, I have a bit of advico to give you. Whenever you come to trade again, you bad better wear a longer coat or steal a shorter eoilflih." I Ono of tho most delightful incidents in the i lift) of a Henedict occurs at midnight, when ho is roused from his slumbers by Ills wife, — " What is tho matter ?" he cries,— The ladr, who has drawn her delicate head underneath tho blanket, saya, in a tremulous voice— v X hear a noise I Thero is somebody in the house."— Nonsenso t you are mistaken/ 1 " There— thero it is again. You can naar them walking in the parlour,"— The husband has, by this time, raised himself bolt upright in tho bed and pulled off his night-cap. After he has shivered five minutes or so, the wife again says— 4 ' There, now, I heard a glass break. Oh, we shall be murdered ! Do get your pistols." — Tho husband really alarmed, gvts out of bed. Ho gropes around carefullyi but falls over a chair, pitches into a washstand, and alights among the fragments of tho watcr-bnsln. The lady *hrleks, and asks if tho robbers are in tho room. Getting no answer, she dashes to tho window, and cries murder. The husband endeavours to stop . her ; but the steam is too high for the safety* | valvo. Tho neighbourhood is alarmed, Tho j policeman hears the terrible shrieks of the ~ lady, breaks the lock of the front door, and rushes in, Several of the neighbours follow him with lights, and of a sudden the whole' plcturo is illumined. Tho poor husband baa cut himself upon tho basin, and the floor is covered with blood. Tho wife explains tho cause of (heir alarm and dilemma, and, of course, tho policeman is to go off. Thia ofHclal never thinks any more of the matter ; but tho neighbours never forget It, The poor husband gets the name of a blackguard and a vile brute, and a story goes about that he wiw caught beating his wife in % dark room, at midnight, with chairs and a wjwh-bA4in, she being too kind to tell the truth.