Varieties.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 45, 6 July 1868, Page 3

Varieties.

» * A Bad Deiit.— Tho owing of a grudgo. A Lazy Cook.*—Ono that " fritters " away her timo. « "Punch's" Notion of "Sweetness and Light," — Brandy and water with— and ft cigar, XHe submits himself to bo scon through a microscope, who sufforu himself to ho caught in n passion, " Necessity lathe mother of invention," but it has never hooiKftceuratoly ascertained who is tho father. A Culprit in Now York pleaded intoxication ns nn excuse for bigamy— a singular lnstnnco of scvlng double, Somo men keep savage dogs around thoir 1 liouse**, «o that the hungry poor who stop to " get a bito " may got it outsido tho door. Sycophants and Sovbbkionc, Base, on a monarch fawning, is the snob I Moro baso tho slave who cringes to the mob. X Shortly will be published, n companion volume to " Old Deacon Days," to bo en* titled *** Old Decanter Nights," by a Three* bottlo Man. ,Wo havo just got through the season of Lent, bnt a poor fellow says thnt so far as money is concerned it is lent witb him all the year round, If tho young lady who recently inquired how Alio conld best learn to sing, will go and givo somo niuflio'mastcr gold, he Wtll probably givo her notes In exchange. Miss Amabel Helghington lays down her " Shelley " with n sigh, und thinks mankind must be greatly altered sinco tho poet wroto — " Nothing in tho world la Bingle," Mrs Partington lina been reading the liealthofllcor'i) reports, and thinks that "Total" must bean awful malignant diseaso, sinco as many dlo of it as all tho reat put together. A A young lady at school, engaged In the Htudy of grammar, was asked if " kiss" was n common -or proper noun. After aome hesitation, alio replied, "It ta both common and proper." A gentleman hiring n servant, nfter patiently enduring tho usual catechism, when asked, "And havo you any children ?" he ropHcd, " Yes, I have fivo ; but can drown two or throe if you insist upon it." Young ladles do not know what a bcautlpcr industry is ; how their plumago, liko that on tho dove's neck, plays and glance*) only when thoy movo ; how much mon nro like beasts of proy, which will touch only what has motion. A young fellow oueo offered to klst a Quakeresa— " I'rlend," Bald blio, •*' thco must not do it." "Oh, by Jove! but I must," said tho youth. " Wo\l friend, ns thou hast sworn, thco mny do it j but thee must not mako a practico of it," A contemporary's correspondent nt Washington begins his letter with the following observation .—"This has been a wcuk of groat cry and of very llttlo wool." Great cry in tho political metropolis of the United States to usual, But what of little wool ? Wo supposo that of tho many coloured gentlemen whom the partiality of tho Congress must have attracted lo Washington, nn uncommon few had been having tboir hnlr cut. Laying- it on Thick;,— A good anecdote Is told of a houso painter's son, who uaed the brush very dexterously, but had acquired the habit of putting it on too thick. One day his father, after having frequently scolded him for his lavish daubing, and alt to no purpose, gavo him a severe flagellation. " There, you young rascal," after performing tho painful duly, "How do you liko that ?" " Woll, I don't know, dad," whined the boy, in reply, •' but it seems to mo that you put it ou a great deal thinker than I did," An old and popular Irish clergyman had a disagreement with ono of his parishioners, who was an extremely refractory character, of great wealth, but of low origin, vulgar habits, and .abusive tonguo. Upon hearing from a third party that his ancestry had been Bpokon of disparagingly by this rich boor, the old parson, borrowing a scriptural metaphor, exclaimed, " Why, sir, my father would not havo act him with tho dogs of his flock,"— This remark reached the ear of the nabob, who Immediately repaired to the clergyman and demanded an apology. Tho good old man listened patiently to tho ravings of ills parishioner, nnd closed tho di..ou».lon with the remark. " Did I really say tliat my father would not havo net you with his dogs ? I was wrong »lr ; J Ltlieoe he would V A story has been going tho round of the papers «o good that we suspect it cannot bo truo, most good Btorics being old storie*. A couple prosontcd themselves ut church to bo married, Tho clergyman, perceiving that the bridegroom was drunk, refused to perform the ceremony, and after administering « reprimand to him, told the bride to return with him tbo next day, The couple did roturn the next day, when tho bridegroom appeared to bo even mor« drunk than ho had been the day before. The clergyman then addressed the bride, and asked her how she could think of uniting herself to such v confirmed BOt. Tho girl replied with touching nnlvole, " Willy is not a confirmed sot, sir 5 but when ho is sober ho docs not want to marry mc, so I cannot holp bringing him her*} drunk if I am to marry him at all,"