LEAVES FROM THE FUN TREE.

Observer, Volume XL, Issue 26, 28 February 1920, Page 28

LEAVES FROM THE FUN TREE.

"What shall we do to remedy the high cost of lining?" "I'll Bee if I can't get a job on the Board of Trade. Maybe the salary will be enough to help tid« us over." Rankiu: A famous physician says the less people wear the longer they live. • Phyle: That accounts for the .longevity «f chorus girlfi. Doctor 6-reen: "Your father insulted me. Said he wouldn't have me attend a cat for him." Miss Keen: "The idea! I don]t see why papa should fear to commit a cat to your charge—a cat has nine lives." Passenger: "Can I get any liquid refreshment here, my lad?" Boy: "No! Only tea and coffee." Smythe: "Were j'ou ever in a railway disaster?" ~-,., Brown: "Yes; I once kissed the wrong girl in a tunnel." Mrs. A.: "Your husband always dresses so quietly." Mrs. B.: "Does he? Well, you ought to hear him when.he loses a collar stud!" "He said to her, 'Do you go in for aviation?' "Dear me, no," ehe replied; "one goes in for bathing, but goes up for aviation." Wayson: "Are you going to marry Miss Binks?" Rhodes: "I really can't say. She is my objective,' and her mother is my objection." Disgusted Diner: "You shouldn't have killed this fowl." Waiter: "Why, sir?" Disgusted Diner: "You've robbed it of an old-age pension!" Edwin: "Just one, dearest! You'll be the first girl I ever kissed." Angelina: "Oh, is that so? Turn your face this way and I'll show you how." The Man: "Madam, I am the piano tuner." The Woman: "I didn't send for a piano timer." . The Man: "I know it. The neighbours did." The man who does most has least time to talk about what he has done. * - She: "You know, Jack, I always speak as I think." He: "Yes, dear-—only oftener." "Does success mean getting what you want?" asked the young man. "No," replied the old man. "Succese isn't so much getting what you want as getting what other people want." "Honesty is the best policy," observed the Sage. "Too right!" commented the shopkeeper "what d'ye, think of these men's tips at 255. ?" Professor: "What can you tell me about the Ethiopian race?" Stude: "I didn't see it, «ir; I went to the Ellerslie Races." A Chinese diplomat mentioned something abftat a Chinaman having committed suicide by «ating gold leaf. "Well," said a society woman in the company, "I can't understand how that could have killed him.' "Probably," answered the diplomat, seriously, "he died from the consciousness of inward guilt."

Waiter (to demobbed diner): "Ah, good morning, sir! So you're back in harness again?" Diner: "Yes, and I wish this confounded steak was, too!" Mother: "Don't ask so many questions, child. Curiosity killed the cat." Little Ethel: "What did the cat want to know, nianima?" Old Timer: "The worst experience I ever had was when we ran out of port in a gale of wind." The Amateur: "Gracious; I thought sailors always drank rum. "I wish they'd stop saying prices will go down," said the thrifty woman. "It's well meant." "No doubt. But every time the announcement is made it seems to scare 'all the people I deal with into making hay while the sun shines." "Doctor," said the man who was searching for gratis advice, "my brother stepped into a hole and wrenched his knee, and now he limps. What' would you do in a case like that?" "I'm afraid I should limp, too. Magistrate: "Did I understand you to say that the parties used high "words?" * Witness: "Their voices w*re pitched rather high, but the wercls used were extremely low." "How modestly she dresses, and how sensibly!" "Yes; that woman will do anything to attract attention." "Ah, pretty lady," said the for-tune-teller, "you wish to fee told about your future husband?" "No*" replied Mrs. Gailey, "I've come to learn where my present husband is when he's absent." "Is the lady in?" "I'm sorry to say she is not m. "And why are you sorry?" "Because—l do not like to have to lie." Advice: "I can't raise £10—that's all there is to that! I got a noticef from my bank this morning that I had overdrawn!" "Well try some other bank. They can't all be overdrawn." It appears that not long ago, at a gathering of artists, a certain Futurist painter approached Louis Wain and said, "Why do you always draw cats, cats, nothing but cats?" "It is true that I draw cats, returned Mr. Wain, fixing the Futurist man with his eye, "but at least I do not call them landscapes." Tke burglar had entered the house as quietly as possible, but his shoes were not padded, and they made some noise. He had just reached the door of the bedroom when he heard someone moving in the bed, as if about to get up, and he paused. The sound of a woman's voice floated to his ears. "If you don't take off your boots when you come home," it said,, "you needn't come ho*ie, so there. Here it's been raining for three hours, and you tramp over carpets with your muddy boots on. Go downstairs and take them off this minute." He went downetairs without a word, but he didn't take off his boots. Instead he went straight out into the night again, and the pal, who was waiting for him, saw a tear glisten in his ©ye. "I can't rob that house," he said. "It reminds me of home."