THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XL, Issue 26, 28 February 1920, Page 20

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

" H-00D-MORNING, Grabit!" said *-* his mate, and rubbed an oily hand, "are prices going up to-day in this our fair Auckland?" And Hitemup replied to him, "Well, dear old thing, I fear that good old Bill of Pukeko will kill the profiteer!" He winked his pious, little eye and grinned a holy grin. "Soon we shall have no means at all to take the public in." * * * But Grabit, his holy hands clasped piously in prayer, replied, "Cheer up, my dear friend Hitemup I to you I now declare, "that dear old Bill of Pitchfork fame will never, never dare to injure we sweet innocents—a profiteering here —for don't you see those bally fools, the public, have to bring a case and Prove it to the Court. So partner let us ring the joybells in the Kttle church, for it is very clear, Dear Bill will never hurt his pal, the pious profiteer." » * * You see, old bean, the people who are hit the hardest now ain't got the splosh, the brass, the hoot, to kick up any row. They're busy with their silly beaks pressed to the grindstone; we —that's you and I— turn every day—they're down and out, you see. * * * The chaps on these tribunals wiH for sure be ex-M.P.'s or limpets, stuck to State rocks with glue (and L.s.d.). D'you think they'll do their sweet jobs in by quarrelling with Us. No! No! dear Hitemup— No! No! Methanks you miss the 'bus. This "deatlf of profiteering" sfcheme is just a little game to hide our profiteering tracks and throw, dust on the same. * * * So come with me, my Hitemup a»nd rub the prices out, and when we've put the new ones on—well, it's my turn to siiout. We'll hae a wee drap o' old rye to wet our whistles so; we'll shout Hooray for d®ar eld Bill, from whom all blessings flow.

Most of the "confidence men" are supposed to live in Sydney—but they stray further afield. For instance, the gentleman who "sold" all the pigeons round Sydney post office to a stranger, and the nobleman who sot £250 from * farmer who "purchased" a Sydney electric car might now be in Taranaki. The "News' tells the story. * * * Three men—two of them posing as the joint owners of a certain horse and the other as the trainer—got into conversation with two other men—a resident of New Plymouth and a country visitor—and for these two men the trio drew a pretty picture of how "their horse" was going to win as a rank outsider and pay a sensational dividend. ■ • • It sounded good, and the New Plymouth man produced £10 and his friend produced £6. The party then broke up, one of the trio taking the money to "invest," but exactly where he invested it is not known. The story ended as all such incidents on a racecourse might be expected to do—the trio unostentatiously disappeared. ' ; MJG" writes: Over 40 years a"o in the New Zealand House of Representatives, a Bill was brought in intended to provide celestial political justice to every electorate m the country. Like other celestial ideas, it dissolved into invisibility. Can Sir Joseph Ward, the Rt. Hon. W F Massey, or any other politician or statesmen, evolve an electoral system that will provide for the parliamentary representation ot every elector who records his voter * * ■■ • Is it not "barking up the wrong tree" to attempt to do so? The thing seems to hinge on the division of the /otes. The division of the votes hinges on the number of candidates representing different political ideas, seeking to be returned as the representative of a single electorate. * • • Suppose the electoral district had a total of 9,999 registered electors, and that everyone voted. Suppose there were three candidates in the field, a Masseyite. a Wardite, and a Labourite. We have had recently, as Mr. Asquith has had in England, triangular contests. Taking the typothetical case just given, let us suppose that each of the three candidates poll equally, that is 3,333 votes each.

I suppose in the case of such a dead heat it would devolve on the returning officer to give his casting vote, and that vote would leave, it is assumed, 6,666 electors unrepresented, which, as Euclid would observe, i§ absurd —but it would, I think, be according to electoral law, obvious. * * * An elected parliamentary candidate should understand that when he is returned his duty is not to represent merely those who voted for him, but the whole constituency, and the country at large. Last general ■election there was a prospect of a temporary alliance between what was called Liberalism and Labour. * ■ • Mr. Holland declared that, representing Labour, he would ally himself with Liberalism solely with the object of ousting the Reform party. Taking all things into consideration, the Dominion generally, in my opinion, has little cause to regret the result of the general election* # '$ $ A returned soldier entertainment company hasibeen touring New Zealand with some success. Apart from the excellence of the show, people were fond of the artists because they had all bejen soldiers. But the soldier show didn't reckon with the hard-baked seditionists of the S.I. West Coast. * * * The show, as far as can be ascertained, was not anathema to Greymouth, but Blackball, Hokitika, and another town or two in Grizzle Land, and Drizzle Land were not so kind. At one of these places the show was billed to start at 8, and there was a very large crowd outside the hall at that hour. * * * - The manager, not quite understanding why the crowd didn't come in, told the artists to begin . the programme but never a soul of the crowd entered the building. The manager went outside to get the psychology of this extraordinary state of things when a spokesman said, "It's no good you going on. We ain't goin' ter patronise a returned soldier show. It's up to you and your to clear to out of it? (or words to the k same effect). * • * The y manager said a few things to the crowd, and the crowd was unkind to the manager. The ex-soldier artists escaped in # car.

"O'Hara" writes: Happened to 'be in Wellington last week on the day upon which the gallant fortyfour members of Parliament started off for Samoa and other islands of the Pacific. Filled with curiosity, I went down to the wharf to see the show, but found that only the privileged few were being admitted to a close view. However, I came back again a few minutes later, and, murmuring, "Member of Parliament," got past the guardian of the gate all right. a • • Felt awfully bucked for the moment at the success of my strategy and at being taken for a real live member of Parliament. But after I had had a close up view of the crowd of legislators I spent the rest of the afternoon wanting to kick the gatekeeper who had been ready to believe I was one of them. * • • By the way, did you notice that the Press Association message received from the ship a day or two ago stated that a voluntary physical drill was being held each morning? One has visions of the instructor coming to the conclusion after the first trial that legislators were not built for "on the hands-down, be-on-nd, str-ret-ch," etc. Some tummies preclude any possibility of edience to that command of bend— what? * .m • And to hear that Dr. Chesson was giving lectures on "precautions," almost takes one back to troopship days and the dire warnings uttered concerning the dangers of Cairo, etc. Oh,' fie! 0 Gg> ® "W.E." writes: I would like to say with as much calmness as the subject will permit that the Auckland motorist, singly, in pairs, or the whole bunch, are the most oernicious circumstance in the city. The Auckland motorist is absolutely and completely uncontrolled. Good British law decides that the lame, the blind, the halt, and the pedestrian, may have first use of the road. * * * The Auckland petrol hog drove my septuagenarian mother off His Majesty's high road on Wednesday last at 5.30 p.m., and the Auckland police are to blame. The motorist, in ones'or in the mob, are hogs, who don't understand, and believe they own the road.

Infamous bounders who have robbed their fellow-men of the money to buy motor cars imagine the right of way ia theirs. It isn't theirs. My mother has the first right to cross the street. The motor hog (in many cases a, mere highway robber) may be baled to court for excessive speed. The point of view is not his SPEED, but that the brute doesn't STOP. • • « It is not his business to STOP, but the business of my ancient mother to run as hard as she's able. The overpowering* stupidity in Auckland is that a motor car has an apparent right to slacken speed before it "runs into a crowd discharged from an electric street car. It is a fiendish and inexcusable affront to "citizens—and ■ for my part I would like to see these speeding taxi-cabmen (who are often not sober), and these speeding ' swells (who are drunk with money) receive a good hefty "sof/t nose" (if they what THAT is). As for the police—useless, blind, deaf, hopeless—they should go back to their villages. ® $ $? Dr. Averill, Bishop of Auckland, before he goes to the Lambeth Conference, is happily leaving instructions for H.R.H. the Prince of Wales in order that the heir to the British Throne may know his job when he becomes King. The Bishop "ventures to say" that H.R.H. will not be greatly amused at a race-meeting. The rumbur that his grandfather, King Edward, was so amused with racemeetings that he bred horses for the "Sport of Kings,'.' is evidently false. The news that H.R.H.'s father, King George, had a very large "string," and sold them only because he thought racing in time of war extravagant, was evidently "faked." • * * The good bishop's feeling that H.R.H. will not be "amused]' at a race-meeting, suggests a visit to the humane institutions and the blind asylum! Suggested, therefore, that visits to thevse asylums and to the blind are royal "amusements." The Prince of Wales conies from a country where there are endless asylums of all kinds. By visiting our humane asylums this overworked young man cannot cure the lame, the halt, or the blind.

He has seen the sordid side of the birthplace of the race, and it probably hasn't "amused" him, even if it has saddened him. He is to be no better a king because he does not have a parade called of the unfortunate blind, or a muster of the hospitals. He will be no worse for a day in the open air watching "the Sport of Kings"—and he is his own master. * * * He need not go to a race meeting if it is unlikely to "amuse" him, and even the Bishop can't order him to -fche asylums. The Bishop says the Prince wishes to "see the people." It is rejspeetfully (suggested that a parade of unfortunates, specially called for H.R.H., will not assist him to "see the people." Also, it is quite likely that the skilled persons who administer the various asylums will continue to do their duty, whether H.R.H. takes the amusement of "walking the. hospitals" or sitting on a racecourse grandstand. ® ® ® Mr. Telford MacLennan, first engineer at the Lake Coleridge elec-tric-power station, has been appointed Public Works electrical engineer at Hamilton. He will have charge of the Hora Hora Works, which the department has taken over to supply to the Central Auckland district. Mr. MacLennan, who was born in Otago, graduated B.E. (Elec), from the Canterbury College in 1907. He spent six years in the United Spates and Canada, studying his profession, and returned to the Dominion in 1913, joining the Lake Coleridge staff. In August, 1915, he enlisted, and in November of laet year returned from active service, with the rank of captain. ® ®. ® An interesting young Aucklander is Captain John Seabrook, A.F.0., son of Mr. A. D. Seabrook, so well known in Auckland commercial circles. Capt. Seabrook is the airman who lately flew Messrs Walsh Bros.' new "land" machine—a "D.H.6," the machine adopted by the Air Ministry for instructional purposes. He has been in the Army for four years, and was engaged in active flight for three years. * * ■ Captain Seabrook, who took a critical interest in launches and cars (indeed in every petrol-driven device), left Auckland in 1915 with

his friend, the late Wesley Spragg, junr., who was killed in Egypt. He put in 10 months in fighting flights in France, and for a year was in England instructing air recruits. ■ • • He went to Egypt as a Squadron Commander, and it was there that he met w-ifeh a collision in the air and a bad crash, resulting in a severely injured knee. « • s At the Suez Aerodrome he had charge of No. 58 Squadron, where he instructed fighting pilots. One of his m#st interesting experiences was the command of 700 air mechanics, whom he teok from Blandford (Eng.), in May, 1918. • * * They landed at Cherbourg in France, and entrained for a nine days' journey, and went via Lyons, Modenne, Turin, Faenza, to Toranto, where they took transport to Alexandra. • • ■• As a large number of these mechanics had been civilians a few weeks previously, they were hard work to a young oifioer, and it unfortunately occurred that during the nine days , train journey he lost 150 with sickness, dropping them at hospitals en route. • • » Capt. Seabrook is opening a garage next month in Symdnds Street. Been appointed sole Auckland representative for the Leylands Motors, Limited, who are the oldest and largest motor lorry builders in Great Britain. $> ® ®> Up to the present the press has not told us whether a parcel of infuriated ladies have torn the hair from the head of Mr. W. E. Caldow. The said gentleman has returned from Blighty, his voice laden with sorrow, about shipping arrangements-r----but he really shouldn't have said this :-r----"I would advise any man going on a business trip not to take his wife with him. There are occasions when a man may be able t© get" away in, ihe third-class or with a shake-down, but the wife is always a, stumbling-block." Stumbling blocks are, to put it mildly, unnecessary on lightning weekend trips to Paris, whefe there are aleo stumbling blocks to be avoided by the pious business man from fair En Zed.

"I suppose," said the man who was raving at having to pay 32p. for a 10s. hat, "that drapers get a lot of stuff pinched?" "I believe you!" answered the soft-goodsije. " What do you do about it?" "Well, about 80 per cent, of the ladies who snavel the delicious blouse or the handful of silk hose, or the roll of ribbon, get let off." The assistant or the shopwalker, or the boss, approaches the feminine clelinquist, and merely says, "Please open your bag and put the goods back," and that's the finish. * * a Sometimes, of course, it's » case of ringing up the police, and often a case of sending in a bill to a husband. Cheek? My word! Imagine a woman disrobing in a cloakroom, and winding yards of ribbon round her waist. Yet that has been don<e. * * * One woman snavelled a hat and took it to a cloak-room, left &er old one thene, s,nd wore the »ew one boldly, ami walked out! * * * Employees iall for a pretty blouse. One girl (won't say in what town) took a new blouSfe every day, put it on, and wore her own over it! \ . A chap I know in the soft goods line gave a woiftan a hat on "appro." on a Saturday, and went to church on Sunday. He sat behind , the hat in church! When she brought it next day she said she didn't like it, and he gently Mentioned the church and the police, and there were sobs—«nd payment. * * • One ©f the quaintest thinge I remember was at a hat bargain counter. A woman took her own hat off and laid it down among the others. She picked up a new one, and dashed over to a glass. Another woman picked up the old hat and asked an assistant how much ?" As the old hat wasn't marked, the assistant took it to the departmental head, who priced it at 355. * * * It was paid for, and wrapped up, and the Teal owner returned; making a frantic search. There was a clatter of tengues, I tell you, and it took the head,of the "firm and 15 women to egifig© it. ,.