THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XL, Issue 13, 29 November 1919, Page 20

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

HERE is a curious and true story not without its pathos. In the wild and gummy north, where the gentleman with the gumspear and pikau resides, there dwelt for many years a Hebrew man. He subsisted on his earnings as a gumdigger, and except for very occasional journeys to the little township and the little hotel in that place, his life was just one long procession of dig. Not long ago this old gentleman informed one of his few associates that he was an "exile," and had been banned for twenty years. * * ■ * He told this acquaintance that on a certain day named by him the ban would be lifted, and that he would he free to return to the society of his own people and former companions. This, of course, might have been regarded as a mere tale told by an eccentric man who had long been cut off from society. But, sure enough, on the day nominated by the Hebrew man he sent a polite note to the nearest school-teacher whom lie knew to possess a camera begging that she would come and take a photograph of him. 1 * * * Curious as the request seemed to the young lady, she, went to the camp accompanied by a gentleman and another lady friend. These people were surprised to find the Hebrew men faultlessly attired in a frock coat, striped trousers, _ unexceptionable boots, a silk hat—in fact, the conventional garb of a gentleman, and certainly looked like a gentleman, too. He gravely welcomed the little party, telling them his "exile" was up that day, and then asked the lady with the camera to take the picture. The lady posed him, and precisely as she pulled the shutter the old exile fell dead, tho real story of his exile and its reason not being known. ® ® ® A quaint notice displayed in a shop window not many miles from the city:—l wish to state that T am starting out on my own as carrier running to Auckland Tuesdays and Fridays for sure, and every day if there is anything doing. Orders may bo left at my place, address on top, or left on file in barber's shop. My cart leaves top to-morrow morning at somewhere about 8 o'clock.

"Ecclesiasticus Semper Eadem" writes: The art of robbing Peter to pay Paul is pretty well understood in these days, and "pass it on" ranks in importance with the most approved copy-book maxims. But its finer points would seem to be reserved for religious circles.. There is, for instance, at - this moment a church committee which wants to give its parson a nice summer holiday on full pay in January; and with that laudable object the committee is trying to find a disengaged preacher to take charge for the month. * * * One does not think the relieving minister will be found; in fact, one hopes not. For this, thrifty committee is offering to the parson who will fill the pulpit aforesaid a stipend of—thirty shillings a week. This is tempered magnanimity with a vengeance. The incumbent may take his holiday, provided he can persuade some needy brother to allow himself to bo sweated. For out-and-out exploitation of a man's time and brains, for meanness masquerading as generosity, this is hard to beat. 9 9 9 That suave and courtly gentleman, Mr. Maurice Cohen, came up from Wanganui this week to pay Auckland a visit. Mr. Cohen follows the legal profession in the town by the beautiful river, and has achieved something of a reputation in the districts down there for the subtlety of his ways. Above and beyond his charming manner, his appearance is frightfully distinguished. Tall, wellbuilt, Avith a carefully-Avorked grey moustache, and a humorous sort of a cynical smile, he is a man one would almost certainly say knows liis Avay about. He is some pumpkins at music, too., make no error! 9 9 9 "Caveat" chuckles: Someone in a fairly high, though by no means the highest, judicial position in Melbourne, has been pleased to pour sarcastic remarks upon the Avellknown telescopic invitation, "Cumanavadriuk," which he has classified as a imiversal formula understood by all races. Surely it is a sign of the brotherhood of mankind that all can understand and sympathise with this invitation to rejoice. But to pour sarcasm upon it, that is terrible. And it is Avithout reason, too, for cases can be recalled where the Bench has been only too ready to go to the bar. * * * And hoAv Avould this judicial gentleman relish the idea of the layman who uses the universal formula casting Avoids of scorn at "habeas corpus," "ultra Anres," or "sine die." or any other of those queer expressions in a decayed language that are sacred to the legal mind?

"J.H." AA'rites: I am glad to see Aye are speeding up on the Noav Zealand Railways. At last Aye have attained a speed averaging 31$ miles per hour between Auckland and Wellington, and "vice versa." I avohder Avhat George Stephenson N would say to-day if he climbed on to the footplate of a NeAV Zealand locomotive Avith a steam pressure of 1801b. per square inch, and a driving Avheel capable of doing 12' feet per stroke. & * » On the 15th of September, 1829. at the opening of the Liverpool and Manchester Railroad, '' George " drove the old Northumbrian to Eecles (15 miles) in 25 minutes, an average of 36 miles per hour, and this with a pressure on the boiler of 501b. to the square inch, and a Avheel making less than 7 feet per stroke. *' * * It may be remembered that this Avas a case of emergency. Mr. Huskisspn, Home Secretary to the British Cabinet of the day, Avas knocked doAvn by the "Rocket." The wheels passed over his left leg. He died at Eccles the same night. That is 90 years ago. Have Aye improved much in Noo Zee? «® ® . "Wikker" writes: One of the things no cove can understand is the bloke who sets the Avhole world right on a soap box, and can't do his own job right in the workshop. A coot works next bench to me in the factory, and there's nothing special about him, but when he gets on a box talking politics, he gives Massey hell- and Joe Ward beans. » * » He told us on Saturday night the \ray to run trade, banks, the land question, the birth-rate question, the League of Nations question, the Socialist question, and seven, other questions. On Monday morning he goes back to the bench clicking boots, and the boss comes to him in the first half-hour and wants to ■know why he doesn't sot a job carrying feed to pigs and has the boots he "clicked" chucked into the Avaste barrow. I asks you Avhat's the use? If a bloke's a clicker, let him click, and keep hie napper shut!

"Notebook" Avrites: The South generally, but especially Cranky Chiistchureli, has gone flat on this election. There has been hardly a whoop so far, and certainly not the slightest suggestion of a rotten egg. But the funeral dirge itself was sounded at one meeting. How's this for a Minister of the Crown: "Why, T ask a'ou, does the 'Mudville Courier' hurl its EPITAPHS only at the land monopolist? Why does it not hurl its epitaphs also at the commercial monopolist, the shipping monopolist, and the brewing monopolist?" Why, indeed? And, also, why not a few political epitaphs, Avith a couple of In Memoriam verses for the King's English? @ © © A reader of the "Observer" has made mention to us of the following amusing occurrence. He was telling a young lady of seven the Bible story of Absalom hanging in the oak by the hair of his head, and the mule running aAvay from under him while lie was trying to get free. The child kept silent for a moment or two at the end of the story, then she remarked Avistfully: "But if he had Avorn a Avig it would have been better for him." * * * And thereon hangs a tale; but not a pig-tail. People from the Old Country -will remember the record of the hairdresser who carried on his calling as a maker of Perrwigs about 150 years ago. This man had a signboard hanging outside his shop on which a picture was seen showing Absalom hanging the Oak. At the bottom of the picture was David's exclamation quoted as an adfor the hairdresser's the wording being: — 0 Absalom, my son; my son; O Absalom, my son! If thou had'st worn a Periwig Thou had'st not been undone. * ■ * * It is strange that the child of seven (quite ignorant, as yet of Biblical history), thanks to our circumspection as regards the introduction of the Bible in the State schools, who certainly nover hoard the popular record of the English hairdresser of old, should have this harmony of thought with the hairdresser of old.

The daily press avoids humour as if it were the influenza, but it often gets there just the same. A paper explains that although there is a good deal of anxiety about the German marine mine which has floated ashore at Mokau, "the greatest precautions are being taken." It details the precautions, "The Chairman of the Harbour Board and Mr. W. T. Jennings, M.P., visited the mine yesterday." Heaven knows Avhy the visit of these two quite ordinary persons should prevent a mine blowing up. If Mr. Jennings' presence can make a mine safe Mr. Glover ought to be despatched to Russia to take the "B" out of Bolshevism.

A highly dramatic episode, the details of which are far stranger than any story told in an American screen yarn, has occurred in an Auckland suburb. A young Ncav Zealander left this country for England in 1913 to gain experience in England as an engineer. At that time he Avas engaged to a Ponsonby young lady, and it was agreed that the pair should marry Avhen the boy returned. News arrived that OAving to a ship accident at Crewe (England), the young felloAV had been killed by an overhead electric "traveller" collapsing and falling on him. Immediately the neAvs arriA r ed in Auckland of the fatality the young lady to Avhom he had beon engaged proved by a certificate that she had married him before he Avent to England. Sho therefore claimed (and obtained) a sum of £372 10s. on the realisation of his property, and three months after married a bookmaker's assistant.

The "killed" man not only Avasn't killed, but joined up the London Scottish, and served three years at the front, winning a commission and an M.C. He was shockingly wounded at Bapaume, a trench falling in on him and disfiguring him horribly. The celebrated London surgeon, Dr. Zephaniat, kindly took a great interest in this case of disfigurement, and managed, by a six months' course of careful grafting, to reestablish the face of his patient. The whole curiosity of the case is that this young Captain, who has returned to Auckland, no more resembles his former self than Mr. Massey resembles the Duke of Westminster. and it has been a matter of great difficulty for him to establish his identity. Whether, should be establish his identity, the marriage of his

Avife Avill be set aside, this deponent knoweth not, but there are reasons for believing that the ex-officer with the new face will be glad to hear that he can't have his wife hack. 9 9 9 One of the problems of the moment is, "Hoav can I, the owner of a little Aveatherboard house, become a millionaire?" Large numbers of philanthrophists are in: this category, and may be seen any Sunday taking the church collection plate round without, however, putting anything in it. * * . * The philantrophic landlord, Avho has let, his little sappy barn to a home maker, Avatches him until he has made a garden,out of the gumland by skill, endurance and interest. He Avatches. the chickens and the children growing round the tenant, and then goes to his bedroom tx> as k the Good God to giA'e him strength to raise the rent. If the tenant is a labouring man or a widow, he is generally filled Avith strength. * * * Cases of philanthrophic landlords arc common to Auckland, but there is one at Takapuna who seems to exceed in philantrophy the usual landlord. The history of his little house shoAVs that Takapuna is going to become the home of kings and millionaires. The house is a small one of four rooms, and the Avater supply is por tank. It must have cost originally £350. The tenant has paid the philantrophist a sum of one pound per Aveek in rent. * * * The philantrophist evidently feels that the time has arrived when he ought to make larger contributions to the Church or the Missions, or something of the kind, and in a letter tells the tenant that Avithin a short period the rent will be raised to tAventy-fh'e shillings, that in another short period it will be raised to thirty shillings, in another short period to forty shillings, and then, if the gentleman is not out of this desirable house, to FOUR POUNDS FOUR SHILLINGS per week. Incidentally the tenant immediately sent the latest pound the philantrophist could claim, and "-ot out into the nearest emptj r domicile. » • » If the landlord of Hansen Road should sell his valuable property for a thousand pounds or so, could he be prevailed on to hand over one and ninepence to the Fund for the Sup-

ply of Silk Singlets for the Cingalese?" It Avould cheer his ex-tenant up a good deal to hear of his future benefactions.