THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XL, Issue 9, 1 November 1919, Page 20

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

MR. AUBREY WILLIAMS, a Avidely - travelled Aucklander, told a Town Hall audience on Labour Day night what a country with 150,000,000 people is like under revolution and Bolshevism.- Mr. Williams has a quiet, quite unemotional method even while speaking of atrocities, probably gained from his intimacy as a soldier with slaughter. The impression one gains from the lecture is that Russia Avent mad, and that a huge population t in which there are 60 per cent, of absolute illiterates, is food for madness. To have lived in Petrograd and Moscow during the terror of Bolshevik rule, when street murders, burning, and shelling Avere. a common form of amusement, is to have seen one of the more horrible forms of conflict—civil war. * * * Mr. Williams describes the Russian soldier of the early part of the war as bra A re to the point of fanaticism. His leader used men in the tremendous Woav at Eastern Prussia where the Allies on the Western front would have used artillery—and the peasant soldiers, avlio were afterwards to become undisciplined, blood-thirsty rabble, faced German machine guns with sticks and stones, and suffered casualties so terrible that the killed in action numbered 1,750,000 men—the heaviest for any army. Russia, in short, by engaging a vast German army, preA'ented the Germans wresting victory on the Western front. Incidents show best of all what Bolshevik madness meant. A retired Russian General was arrested in the streets and bayonetted by every Bolshevik who could come near him, his clothes distributed to the rabble, and his mutilated body cast in the kennel. When the Lenin-Trotsky mob told the peasants, the land is yours — grab it, bands of peasants (ex-sol-diers mostly), simply gave the landowners a few minutes to leave, often skinned them alive or murdered them in sight of their relatives, or burnt them at a stake. * * * The ignorance of these "political economists" is shoAvn by the fact that in savage glee they killed cattle wholesale, and skinning others alive,

drove the beasts down streets and cities or villages. A young lady going to a ball, beautifully attired— silk dress, fur robe, and so forth, essayed to pass a Bolshevik picquet. The sentry thus to her, "That is a very nice fur robe—it would look better on my girl—take it off." In short, the lady Avas made .to entirely disrobe in a temperature beloAv zero. • • ■ The "ruler" then politely saluted. "You had better return to your home quickly, or you may catch cold, and that Avould deeply distress the Soviet!" Mr. Williams spoke of the sinister influence of Rasputin, and declared that the book about him, having a Avorld-wide circulation, Avas largely an effort of imagination. He wasn't a monk—he Avas a "foul beast," and a peasant with pronounced hypnotic powers, Avho, from first gaining influence over the Czarina by attending the Czarina's son (avlio was a "bleeder") became so powerful that he made or unmade great State dignitaries. Mr. Williams is a pleasant cultured speaker' and is listened to Avith the greatest interest. <SS <& ® "Pushite" writes: Apropos of the "push" vendettas in Australian cities, Avhere one chap murders another and HE murders .someone else —and the Avhole mob murders the policeman—l was in Sydney at the time when "Spark" O'L. "woodened out" a constable Avith a brick at the gate of the policeman's home. "Spark" Avas killed Avith a sock—full of broken bottles and nails by a relative of the deceased constable, avlio was "king" of a "push," and the killer of "Spark" Avas "outed" with a bag of sand at Paddington by a member of a church choir Avho happened for the time being to be emperor of a murder gang. Sydney is rather a sweet place at times. , <8& <S3 ® "Poneke."—l distinctly saAV the face of a stipendiary magistrate bend in court the other day. People in the court were afraid he was. going to smile, but he prevented himself by a great effort. A lawyer was asking a witness if he was in the habit of leaving large sums of money in his trousers pockets at night. To Avhich the man replied: "I am in such a habit. I find that the vast majority of people would pass a pair of trousers bulging with notes without being in the east peculative or even curious, but if I Avere to sleep in the same bedroom Avith you in a hotel I should first seAV my Avad in my shirt and wear it to bed." ("Science!").

"The cow thought to put my pot on, but put five thousand quid into my pocket instead." The young cocky Avho made the remark slouched against the bar of a North Island country township pub., toying with a glass of whisky. His tAvo companions grinned and sucked at their beer. A third, who was evidently not "in the know," asked a question that brought out a story, in which there is no moral. "Ye see, Blank, he's the Gov'mut valuer up here. He's got three sons. They hung it out so long after the Avar started that me and a couple of other blokes got to work with Jimmy Allen. One of 'em had to go to camp. Well, he did have a rosy time, no mistake, for a year, coming home on leave in officers' uniform and all that, sparkin' with the girls, driving round in motor cars, and putting on a—of a lot of side. Well, we got to work hard and had. the second son sent down, but the war was nearly over then, so he didn't get away. The first one was sent at last, and got in at the glory march to Germany without hearing a shot, so the returned men tell me. They're both home noAV, had socials and all: One of them jilted his girl for an English one. I put my farm of a thousand acres up for soldier farms, and valued it at 15 quid an acre.

Old Blank was put on the job to value it. He < kneAy all about my doings in sending his sons away, and made no bones about what he'd do. I never saw the report, but heard all about it. So far as selling my farm to the Government was con-

cerned, I Avas fair goosed, and old Blank gave me the glad eye every time he met me. Well, I was narked so bad I got a land agent in. He advised me to cut it up, as it Avas suggested for soldier settlement, and, by jingo, he sold every acre, and it averaged 23 quid—so I beat the.old coav after all. Hello! there's our motor car blownin'. I must get. You haven't seen our new motor, have you; she's a dandy. Cost five hundred quid. So long." '\A • , that?" I asked of the barman. "Ah, he's Jim Murphy; they were poor enough cocky milk-pullers before the Avar; noAv the Avhole family roll in clover." <& ® ® An American lady at present sunning herself in the little old burg, broke out into a perspiration of praise of Rev. Jasper Calder yesterday.- "Say, but this little sporting passon o' yourn is sure some boy from Boyville. I was carried away on the curling wave of his pulpit conversation until Elysium seemed a poor waste of Jimpson Aveeds dotted with tomato cans in comparison to his oratorical Parnassus—yes, sir! You keen search me, stranger, for lip-sounds to convey the size of the cinch he'd get in Congress. Ef he saAv the White House to Washington he'd jest naturally crowd up on to the piazza and take charge. In your country, when a man hankers to percolate into Congress you say he's "standing" for Parliament. In the I'il ole States we say he's going to "run." Wall I guess if that broncho bustin' gospel purveyor with the merry Avord opiniates the

inside o- Congress he'll sure "run" in. There ain't even a Jasper gate that'll stop Jasper's gait — no since! And if he kin do Bill Hart stunts on a pinto pony or accelerate am Arizona cayeuse over the alkali plains Avith a four pound spur he'd make Doug. Fairbanks' pay roll look like ten cents. Him for the movies !' ® ® ® Humorous par from Auckland "Herald":—"Had a good trip?" called a passer-by yesterday to an Aucklander Avho had just arrived from America, Avhere he had spent a few months. "Oh, yes! Fine!" was the reply; "but I must say that this dear little spot is good enough for me." "DEAR little country ! Expensive little place !" * * * The head of a great big city emporium took a holiday in the country and spent an hour or two yarning Avith the keeper of the little local store. "Yell pardon me ask in' ye," said the storeman, "but what profits do ye make down in Auckland?" "Oh, it varies a good deal," was the reply. "On some things we make only five per cent., on others ten, and on some up to twenty per cent." "Twenty per cent," gasped he of the country (iki horrified amazement. "By cripes, that's great." "But don't you?" asked the Auckland man. "No such luck," exclaimed the storekeeper; "1 can only make one per cent. 1 just buy a thing for a shilling and sell it for two." $> © @> A little military decoration story. A young Now Zealand officer lay sick in Sling Camp. He was astonished one morning to be shown per Gazette that he had won the M.C., for gallant conduct at —. He fretfully remarked to the nurse, "But I wasn't there!" When convalescent, and in uniform again hi.s O.C. "matted" him, and demanded to know why lie wasn't sporting the M.C. ribbon. He replied that he wouldn't wear it as he wasn't entitled to it. "But its Gazetted and you must wear it—the King can do no wrong." The real fact is that an officer of similar name had performed the deed of valour, but as "the King can do no lvrong," the real Avinner has never been Gazetted and the wounded officer is. still the "M.C."— although he persistently refuses to wear it. ® SB> ® Judge Geo. Alden, of Boston, who, with Mrs. Alden, gazes out of a sunswept Auckland balcony every morning is an enthusiastic conversationalist (a form of art quite uncommon to New Zealand). "Auckland

surely does look almost beautiful to be real," and he launched a little panegyric at the writer, making that Waitematian feel that Nature had shoAvered a few choice things around here. The point is, however, that a bunch of twenty or thirty educated Americans Avith "Obeservafcion"' writ large on their frontal bones, have all learnt the art of conversation and can talk just as well in Boston, New York, 'Frisco, or their own little old New Plymouth, as they can in Auckland, Waipukurau, or our own little new NeAv Plymouth. Says the Judge, "The Monroe Doctrine and the League of Nations will object to the annexation of New Zealand to the United States, but I guess plenty of people will want to see a country so beautiful, prosperous, and hospitable." ® ® ® "St. Mats" writes: Wherever DID you got that story about the "emaciated" kitten rescue from a grated t-ollar at St. Matthew's by the Rev. •Jasper Caildor. The kitten wasn't in the least emaciated; Avas, in fact, a particularly bonny specimen. Mr. ('alder had nothing whatever to do with the rescue. Miss Gillam found the kitten, and as she is kindness itself she supplied the little animal ■through the bars with plenty of sustenance. There were no "boy scouts" to the rescue, but the ser-vices-of some boy choristers were obtauiud, and they crawled in and carefully rescued. pussy. The S.P.C.A. inspector was approached, and not only was the feline subject of the par. well looked after, but a home Avas obtained for it, and it is "doing well." ® ® $ There was a tropic bloom and luxury in the fine little concert given by Mr. Walter Smith's Aloha Orchestra .in the Town Hall Concert Chamber last week, and the novelty of the show greatly interested the audiences. Sunburnt performers in spotless white, backed by effective crimson, gave the necessary sensation of long white beaches Avith the feathery rollers backed by graceful palms and broAvn-faced .■ people paddling in the warm waves. The tuneful tinkle of the ukelele and the no less fascinating music of the merry mandolin, in many beautiful musical selections, deeply pleased the audience. Mr. George S. Christie, bubbling with viA r acity, is a songster of good calibre, and the orchestra suits his vocalism excellently. Miss Lilionkalani dances delightfully. Excellently rendered items were given by Miss Ethel Boeker and Mrs. H. Sharpe, Messrs Smith, Yandell, and McMinn. The Auckland City Band played splendid selections during a most interesting concert.

SURPRISE PACKETS

Those enterprising citizens, the Commercial Travellers' and Warehousemen's Association, are launching a great Surprise Packet Scheme on Friday, November 28. The money to be raised is for the sick and benefit funds of the Association. The chief prizes are of large value, and among the thousands of prizes none is to be of a less value than sixpence, the tickets being one shilling each. The organisation is already complete., and as there will be a rush for tickets—get in early. Even if you get a section of land or a typewriter for a shilling it will be a good investment.