THEY SAY

Observer, Volume XL, Issue 7, 18 October 1919, Page 7

THEY SAY

—Alcohol is to be sold, at Is. 3d. a gallon, but it is for supplying motor cars—not "tanks."

—Financiers declare that colonial Joans will be dearer in future. Everything seems going to £.

—Mr. Massey declares that as a paying proposition politics are worse than wheat-growing. Ear! Ear!

—Spring is -here, and the pink (or blue) blush upon the sweet cheek of maidenhood is most gratifying to the chemists.

—The new Australian living wage is based on a two-child family standard. These largo families are awfully onibarrasing!

—Owing to the machinations of the Meat Trust beef will be exceedingly scarce soon, but happily Champagne Stakes will bo available.

—The trout fishing season has opened. We.have already heard of a trouL at least long, and of another that weighs pounds.

—In the .south a churchwarden apfor commission on money he collected at the offertory. It transpired, on enquiry, he is a land agent.

—A married couple went to court t'other day to quarrel about possession of a dog! And when Ma and Pa stand for the same seat in Parliament—what oh!

—Now if only Voronoff who exchanges new glands for old and rejuvenates the aged, could get among Auckland bowlers this season. They WOULD chase Kitty!

—Many membaws of a local claub desire the expulsion of a boundah from the claub. He failed to pronounce golf "goff" last Tuesday, and will have to take the—ah—consequences.

—Says an advertisement: - "Bewnre of those dizzy spells." Well, what about "Whakarewarewa," "Wharekerauponga," "Tataramaika," or "Tauherenikau" for dizzy spells ?

—The chairman of a Patriotic War Relief Association has declared that it is quite possible to use £100 an acre land for cows and to pay inteiest. (Note: The Chairman is a lawyer.)

—A K.C. in a case where the same agent acted for two contending parties. "No doubt many agents take a loose view." In reality it isn't the view they take, but the money they steal that matters.

—Scene at swell Auckland hotel. Lady of 50 and son of 25. Lady offers gold cigarette case to son. "Have one?" "No, thank you, mother." Wonder what grandma of 1850 would have said?

—John Thomas Marryatt Hornsby, M.P., "ventures to predict" that in 30 years' time New Zealand will have to import butter. And as Premier in 1949, will J.T.M. do his best to see.that it is good butter?

—It is now settled by scientists that Noah lived at Nakhechevan, the oldest city in the world. During the unfortunate episode in which his utterance was a little indistinct, his failure to spell it gave him away.

—"If you saw a man fishing for tomcats with a line and hook—would you call that cruel?" asked a gentleman in a recent Court case. "Yes," said the wiitness, "but I don't know a tomcat that's such a fool."

—A soldier from Jerusalem reports meeting a venerable sheik in flowing robes and a turban, to whom he says: "And can you direct me to the Mosque of Omar?'? To which the venerable replied: "Aye, laddie, ah can, but whil'll ye pay?"

— A jaw clinic has been greatly praisea by Sir J times Allen—and HE knows. ' ■

—ltegulations regarding Standard boots are gazetted, and wearers may order their 1923 boots now.

—It is sincerely hoped that the copra industry may revive, and that the- nuts will take, an interest in it.

—A Queensland Socialist has been fined twenty-five shillings for exhibiting the red flag.. One of those cheap .shows!

—A dog has been elected-a member of a Southern tennis club. It is hoped he will be able to stand the racquet.

—There is to be a Labour paper on the West Coast (5.1.)- Mr. Webb strongly recommends it. One guess: Who'll"be editor?

— -It is most interesting to hear th? Hon. Mr. Macdonald on wheat, but it is equally interesting to see Mr. Massev on velvet.

—Bananas sold lately at ftvepence luilipfnny per pound wholesale. The rus'i of waterside workers to buy was considered phenomenal.

—Politicians of advanced age can now be rejuvenated by the grafting of monkeys' glands. Now they will have a chance of getting up a family treo.

—The Government intends to encourage rifle clubs. It would be wi<<k«>>l to deprive middle-aged civilians of an inexpensive pot-hunting hobby '

—It is announced that of the eleven thousand odd Australians who have married in England a

number are bringing their wives home.

—An American cleric declares that an American preacher cannot hope for a hearing in England. Well, if Americans WILL talk through their noses* .

—Beer (vide "Herald") was used as a beverage in 404 8.0. The authority does not state whether prior to that it was used as a face cream or a hair restorer.

—Line from report of an inquest: "He was progressing very favourably at the time of his death." It is curious that a solemn daily paper should jest like this.

—Thank heaven the Government has assured the high price of property for the next twenty-five years. Plenty of Government loans for the dear kind landlord to handle.

—Why this tremendous rush for Europe. Passport offices blocked, shipping space taken up. Whoosh! It appears as if Prohibition may really be coming to New Zealand.

--H is understood the curly-haired "agent" was unable to buy a sixpenny flower on "Rose Day." The young lady hadn't got change for a cheque for £97 he had just lifted in "com."

—Seeing that Sir Tarn Mackenzie will retire, from the High Commissic'nership pretty soon, what's the inattei with starting a Young Man Era and sending a thirty-year-old Rhodes Scholar.

-=• It is not now considered likely that a bald-headed man stole Lady Jellicoe's ivory-backed hairbrushes. The lady who pinched them but there, send 'em back and all will bo forgiven.

—Wonderful interest ferry passengers took in six Germans aboard a Sunday afternoon boat, especially in the gent, who fashions his moustache, hat,- and gait on a person named Hohenzollern.

—The office sleuths report that paroled Germans carrying huge parcels ashore at Devonport have particularly healthy appetites. The bottlenecks obtruding from the great baskets infer that they anticipate no immediate drought.

—A *h umber of young men who intend standing for Parliament are growing beards to give them that appearance of profound age and wisdom so necessary as a passport. Anybody who can destroy hair on the human poll ought to make a fortune from aspiring politicians.