THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 6, 13 October 1917, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

FRANK WHITTAKER is the Savage Club, and the Savage Club acknowledges that Frank is wit. The club placed him as the figurehead of their korero last Saturday night at the Town Hall Concert Chamber, the hall being crowded with the youth and beauty, art and wit of the Queen City. There was no dullness of appreciation of the subtle wit that emanated from their headlight. There were ripples of laughter when "Te Hekeretare" (many times repeated) in his marvellously clever oration, while installing the Rangitira Coutts, suggested that the name of the huia feather adopted by cheiftains, was derived from the Scotch, "Huia the noo?" Really, Franky's wit is wasted here. What a godsend he would be to the boys at the front, and a bachelor, too! Ladies! ladies! whaffor?

The Rangatira, Alfred Coutts, looked the regal gentleman he represented, the tattooing on his visage being, as in all the other pakeha Maoris, well "sooted" for the

occasion. Chief Bert Hunt, on his left hand with an ear-dirop, didn't look too happy—evidently thinking of the decadence of Savage art. But Franky, "the Hekeretare," he was the pet; with a palpable imitation Huia feather and overburdened with rugs or mats, and with, a.very modern tahia held wrongly, he perspired with the importance of the occasion and received the marked appreciation of his witticisms with proper decorum.

The entertainment items were superb. Barry Coney threw back his leonine head to such an extent while delivering his popular song that nothing but a vast forehead and pearly chin were visible side-decked

with flowing dark curls; he brought down the house. Supper was <a relief to the tired ones —coffee, tea, claret cup and sweets were the order of the upper class; the lower, the fourth degree. Then, came the grand finale. "Te Hekeretare" appeared oh the stage, brilliant footlights strongly emphasising the fact that Franky has fat, though hairy, legs, for "te Hekeretare," unlike the other "savages" who modestly wore coloured stockings, laid bare much! of his magnificent proportions. Surrounding "Te Hekeretare," reclining in various unrehearsed attitudes, some smoking cigarettes, or as in one very black, fat savage's case, a very prominent pipe, were the members of the tribe undressed in seagrass mats combed out to represent the Maori .haka mat—very unlike. "Tiki ? ' Maahi, very sooty and bespectacled, ■ looked very uneasy, while "Perti" Hunt,as the sorrowful chief, appeared to be searching for live stock while warming near the camp fire. Franky, as "Te Hekeretare", in broken Chinese, or Hindustani with a little pigeon Maori and Irish, or a mixture of the lot, answered a leary-looking individual who turned out to be McElwain, in bush cook clothes, on various occasions. Items were brought in for some specific purpose. Brother Ryan and others gave the audience the benefit of their vocal and other powers which the savages appreciated by various contortions, and all ended in the good old song we sing at New Year when going home, "Good-bye, Ladies." Alf. Barker had a busy time keeping the savages from running away from each other. Corporal Hansard, who was responsible (for the great proficiency of the savages in their haka, came to the front and his regal presence and proportions were acknowledged as quite the Maori and the grip of his mere established the fact that the little tatooed Chief was thirsting for the blood of someone.

The base ingratitude of the NewZealand Expeditionary Force in France should be noted by Sir James Allen, the N.Z. Alliance, the "Thou Shalt Note," the six o'clockers and all other allied moralists. In the interests of the soldiers, the hotels are to be shut at 6 o'clock in December (upwards of three years after the war began), Sir James Allen has reaffirmed his unalterable •. decision that the men shall NOT have wet canteens, the T.S. Note have insisted that all troopships shall be "dry" (and a nice dry bit the moralists made, too!) These soldiers of ours in France, knowing what the Defence Department, the T.S.N.'s, the Alliance, the six o'clockers and so on have done for them, go into a fight at Ypres. On returning they are asked what they will have as a reward. The answer is "A ration of rum!" Oh, brethren—what a shock! Oh, sisters who knit socks, why didn't they each ask for the P.P.A.'s pamphlet. Oh, dear friend, these poor soldiers are lost, irrevocably lost—gone a million ! Rutm— when they could have had coffee (supposing they had the price to pay for it at the Red Triangle). And worse and worse—the rum was free!

Six well-known Aucklanders recently visited a hotel to have a smoke and a chat, and incidentally, a drink. . Two of the company were found later to be missing, and a search elicited the fact that two young men had been seen about three minutes before,, being violently'escorted up Queen. Street, by the guardians of the peace. Horrified, the four made their way up to the lock-up, and halted' outside to ascertain their wealth foi* the purpose of 'bailing out. Only 2s 4d came to light, but they did not hesitate, but walked right through the door, until a policeman barred 1 further progress. He looked in numerous books and even peeped into the cells, but no sign of the missing pair was seen. They, however, decided to wait thinking the policemen were having difficulty with their captives. They waited for about half an hour, and then decided %o go home, and leave

them to their fate. Just as they were leaving, two dusty figures came into view, being propelled by the boys in blue. A glance was sufficient, they were not the ones, and they left, and made their way down to the hotel again. On entering, they received rather a shock to see the two sitting calmly down at a table. This can either be.used as a picture drama or a "stop the drink" play.

The war has, of course, necessiated the appointment of innumerable "experts" who it is sincerely hoped. are paid sufficient wages to allow them to meet the rise in the price of meat. Gentlemen who give their unparalleled service to the Dominion in the time of her need should be properly treated' by a State whose watchword is Efficiency! Efficiency!! Efficiency!!! One hears of a case of flagrant cheeseparing. One of these experts receives only £500 a year and his onerous duties occupy him a whole day every week. We call upon the Government to award his wife and children separation allowance for the time he is wrested from his home to serve the State.

"Church-goer" :—Thank goodness Parnell has been favoured by the powers that be with a really smart and cute "man in blue." There are some people who make- themselves an eternal pest to the police station hy continually laying complaints and ringing up "John Hop" on tbe smallest pretext, and one "would be" Sassiety woman in Parnell's 'most fashionable street received her just deserts. . She rang up Mr Police and demanded that a Constable be sent up immediately as she had seen two suspicious characters during the day in St Stephen's Avenue. The man of the soft tread and big feet made investigation and' found that the supposed suspicious characters were two telegraph linesmen attending to their Not satisfied, Mrs Gimlet-Eye rang up the poor distracted police next day and stated she had this time seen a really suspicious character, and requested the sergeant to see that a patrol fee kept up in the Avenue all

night; to which he acquiesced, but in a delightfully novel mannpr. He rang up without fail every hour of the night till 7 o'clock next morning, each time remarking: "I'm on Patrol Maim ! all's safe!" It is understood that Mrs Gimlet-eye did not ask for an extension of police patrol duty.

A commercial traveller who is well known for his scintillating ideas that dart across his cerebellum lately conceived the notion of arresting the steps of the passer-by and inveigling him into spending money in the pursuit of philantihrophy, wrote in large letters on the pavement either side of the commercial premises the celebrated raihvay warning "Stop!" People suggested to "Pet" (the affectionate sobriquet by which the artist is known) that this was a departure from the civic law therein made and proA'ided. "Pet" disagreed on a point of law, and "Stop" arrested the passing passenger. However, almost before the artistic caligraphy had dried upon the sidewalk a municipal message arrived commanding, nay demanding that the word should be wiped put. "Pet" rose early and obeyed the municipal mandate with a bucket of water, a cloth, and a bar of soap.

Ulster.-—lt was, of course, only chance, but those worthy Orangemen who rushed Howard Elliot's meeting at Dunedin the other day, could hardly repress a smile, when, 'from a barrel-organ on a nearby corner, oozed forth the unmistakable strains of "Killarnev" and "The Wearin' o' the Green." It's stiff on Howard, really. It looks like flagrant persecution. Eh! Mr Bishop ?

Blue P.:—l notice a disturbing evidence of the preA*ailing passion for revolution in my favourite Auckland paper. Headlines are often illuminating—l find these, "Strike of Seamen—a Hopeful Sign." It is seldom that my favourite paper is so optimistic. Still personally Ido not regard a strike of seamen as being in the least helpful,

A story comes from Wellington showing the touching devotion of a bar-lady to soldiers and their interests. She was, it appears, a favourite Hebe at a favourite hostelry where soldiers on their way to war congregated. Lately, it appejars (although the yarn cannot be vouched' for) a widow applied to the authorities pleading distress. The authorities questioned the widow about her soldier son. Did he not allot any of his pay to her? The widow admitted that he did not. The n t ame of the person to whom the allotment was made was turned up. It was that of the favourite barmaid. Further search elicited the information that thirteen (13) other soldiers had also allotted portions of their p-ay to Hebe. Hebe, who appeared to be in luxuriant circumstances, explained that she was merely a banker for the dear boys, that, in fact, she was keeping strict and accurate account of all the monies—and so on. It is not known whether Hebe is engaged to the whole thirteen of the gentlemen she is alleged to be banker for.