THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXIV, Issue 23, 14 February 1914, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

IT having been thoroughly demonstrated that the army aeroplane Brittamiia really can fly, the aw—military authorities are taking steps to see that it shan't do such a ridiculous bally thing any more. The aw—proper place for an—er—aeroplane is in a box. Failing a. box it should he exhibited as a collection of inert ironmongery in the Exhibition. Tim jolly thing is a bally nuisance, you know, but probably the Department will be able, to dish out a job to an aeroplane clerk to write letters about the poor dear thing. At any rate an aeroplane that has the insolence to fly is too bally modern don't you know! Give us something about Han'iibal and the javelins.

Young jneri (and a few elderly ones) with ribbons attached to their coat lapels, have told of the holding of a V.M.C.A. convention in Auckland this week. Said ribbons are worn in a variety of ways. There is the plain style and the tassel style. Some enthusiasts sport emblems like young Chinese banners, and others have bits of silk with voluminous inscriptions on them. Verily, a young man is known by his ribbons.

A " Star " ad. GOOD Second-hand Man's Bike in good order. It has been suggested that the bike owner may have parted with his ■. steed after an argument with Auckland roads had reduced him to a "second-hand " condition. * - • • Te Pana :—lt's strange liow false impressions of tropical life seem to float around New Zealand. The newspaper scribe may have something to do with the business. But I dunno, I dunno. Certain it is that various writers are quoted as authorities; their yarns are widely read, and truth and romance and stuff that is neither one thing nor the other are all taken as fact. Now really, no such thing as picking up pearls on a coral reef exists outside of two covers; nor do you wade through masses of oranges, pineapples, bananas and mangoes when you try to reach the front door of your huugiilow at three o'clock in the morn ing. Fire Hies are not used in 1)1 ace of kerosene or gas, and it is not at all necessary to carry a revolver and smoke cigars, although the latter are handy to keep off the mosquitoes. And copra, too; copra isn't a sdiell fish or a species of snake. You lose a lot of cherished illusions when you visit the tropics. But the greatest take down is the coral reef. The white tree-like lump of lime on your fri not" leads you to picture miles and miles of such formation fringed with lovely coco palms. Piffle ! See the reef at low tide. It is dirtier than a North Auckland mud flat. And would you believe it. comrade, the " lovely garden of the sea" absolutely reeks with the stench of a fish cart out in the sun for nine days. Finally beer costs twice as much as in the " Queen City."

The cablegram recently published stating that some irreverant Lorrainians had been severely rebuked for not doffing their Gallic chapeaux when they found themselves in the. august presence of some juvenile Germanic officers, recalls a story of the late Mr. Richard Beck, a German watchmaker, who came to Auckland in the early days, and for many years kept a shop a Queen Street, near the site of the Savings P>ank. After acquiring a comfortable competence, Mr. Beck's patriotic heart yearned for another glimpse of his beloved Fatherland, before he received that "one clear call" which, sooner or later, comes to everyone, so he packed his portsammie and left us for a season.

On arriving in Germany, his first experience somewhat damped his patriotic ardour, for he got into trouble with the military authorities when it transpired that he had never completed the full term of compulsory service. The friction and annoyance arising cut of this dereliction of duty on his part caused Mr. Beck to almost regret that he had returned to his beloved Fatherland at all, but. finally, the difficulty was overcome, and. on a hot summer day, he entered Berlin. The weather Avas Gehenna!, the streets were dusty, his throat was parched, and the tavern tempted. He entered and ordered a bottle— a large bottle—of Flensburg laager. Before he had time to pour the cool, refreshing beverage down his gaping gullet, two bulky myrmidons of the law seized him by the scruff of the neck, and hurried him off to durance vile.

Mr. Beck had not the remotest idea that he had committed any offence, and his captors refused to enlighten him, but on the following morning he learned that when he entered the tavern two young German officers, whom he had not observed, were sitting at a table slaking their thirst with streams of cooling beer, and keeping a sharp lookout to sec that they were treated by the despised civilians with becoming respect. Mr. Beck, not having seen the young gentlemen, had not removed his hat. Mr. Beck, having paid the fine, straightway left Berlin, all his affection for the ureat Fatherland having died a sudden death. He immediately streaked for New Zealand, returned to Auckland, and, not many years ago, died at Mt. Albert, never having yearned for the great Fatherland again.

Curiosity sends a par: When Hall Caine's "Woman Thou Gayest Me " was published, all the wowser organisations in the country got to it'with loud invective, and shouts of condemnation. The girls said it was shocking, and the boys declared that it was "hot stuff." Result: aii enormous demand for the book. I asked for it, in a leading library in Queen Street, and, although they had six copies on hire, I had to wait for weeks before I got one of them, much handled and battered. And what a disappointment! Hall Caine-ism, typical and unashamed! No literary merit, practically no plot, absolutely no humour— poth-

ing but a convincing attack on the Ne Temere decree, and a description, with intimate and disgusting details, of all the phases of a woman's, life. Lord knows, I'm no wowser, and I loathe this practice of keeping from the pruricalminded young person a knowledge of some of the essential things of life. But the writing of a book which- except for its indirect attack on one aspect of Roman Catholicism—does little else beyond describing the sex-awakening of a girl, the beginning of her honeymoon, the infidelity of her husband, her premeditated adultery, the pangs of childbirth; the secret joys of motherhood, her experiences in the London underworld—the writing of such a book should be a punishable offence.

Mr. J. Gall, who died last week, played many parts in the field of sport, as owner, amateur rider., trainer, and was a member of the magic circle until the abolition of the bookmakers. A few of the old hands will remember John Gall a decade ago, when he owned, trained, and rode the mare Maid of the Mist, which did yeoman service for the youthful sportsman in the lower Waikato, frequently saddling up twice in a day, winning the principal events and the hurdle race aa well, round Rangariri, Churchill, Taupiri, Ngaruawahia, and Huntly. His last venture in horseflesh was when he purchased that good horse St. Clements, from Mr. F. J. Macmanemin, and Picklock, from the late Mr. Donald McKinnon. With the former he was fairly lucky, winning a Avelter race at Ellerslie, riding himself, and having a good win, defeating a big field. But the latter never brought any grist to the mill, suffering from a poisoned foot. The deceased was in business in Rotorua prior to his death, which took place at the Auckland Hospital. Poor Jack has gone where the favourites cease from troubling, and the dickey-legged ones are at rest.

The point of view of "Pakeha": Black brother from India has been establishing himself pretty freely in Auckland during the last few months, and the city fathers are becoming alarmed.:' They cannot prevent biack brother landing here, but they propose to withhold from him licenses to sell fruit, and, apparently, tli'ey think that that will be the end of him. Just why black brother should now be invested with the order of the boot is not easy to understand. The fruit on his barrow is clean and cheap, and to the over-burdened consumer it seems a pity that this form of competition cannot be extended to a few more trades. The average Hindoo is cleaner in his habits, healthier in his morals, more respectful in his demeanour, and fifty times more pleasant to gaze, ijpon than the Chinamen whom we allow to herd into all our towns. Of course, Auckland does not want to be overrun with Hindoos: but the main objection to them now appears to be that they sell fruit cheap<rr than the shopkeepers. "Well, the Sydney fruitsellers excluded all competition and formed a ring, with results mighty bad for the fruit consumer.

" Bertie " writes cheerfully: I am at present in possession of a shil-ling-in-the-slot gas meter, and I am, imconseq uence, much given to blasphemy But the infernal meter sometimes provides compensations, And it did the other night. Wife And I leturned from the theatre the other night, and found the gas In its last hop. She hadn t a shilling, and I hadn't, and were rude to one another about it: then 1 was sent out to get two single coins for a florin 1 met a man, and stopped in front of him. "Say,, got any cash?" 1 asked,, truculently. He backed hurriedly into a paling and gibbered.at me.' When 1 explained the position he turned nasty, and told.me to go to Tophet for my shillings. The next man 1 stopped suddenly with the same request was obviously rattled, but he ko.pt his head, and was desolated to discover that he had no shillings. The third man gasped, swung round, and started for the mam street. 1 think he. had difficulty in tef raining from yelling for the police. I got my fionn changed at a small sweetshop, and spent sixpence of it on chocolates for a lady who resented being told that she was a silly fathead for forgetting to lay in a supply of shillings.

Wine is a mocker, strong drink is rasing, arid whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise. Wherefore oh brethren, gird thee with thy wateibottle and hasten to smite Massey hip and thigh. He is allowing refractory Panels in the gummy north to be taken up to grow the festive «»rape Is not the grape wicked, brethren? Who invented the grape? ■What is the grape for, oh sisters and brethren? Will not the pure and lowly eradicator of joy demand that a country that is so soon to be whiskvless and beerless. also demand'that it be wineless and consequently , grapeless. hoot out these Massey vineyards and burn the wrathfu 1 winepress Drive forth the hardy ruffians who make the kicked vine to give forth her purple increase, scatter their wives to the cities and their children to the little bethels. Let us all sing to the glory of tea with a chorus oeatitying lemonade.

" I could die a slow death here," Avrote a Zululand visitor in the Tourist Bureau book in Christchurch. He meant well, no doubt, though far from his kraal.

Thrice has the Rev. Dr. Waddell, of Dunedin, done the round-the-world tour, and, last as first, he comes back saying, "In my judgment, the working man in New Zealmul is better off than in any other part of the world." The reverend doctor lias now seen both Canada and tlie United States for the third time, and he is more than ever satisfied with the conditions and possibilities of New Zealand. Big cities in the United States struck the doctor as "Hell with the lid off. Strangely enough, a missionary uses the same phrase to describe the Ambryin volcanic eruption. Well, its a handy set of words for anything you don't like. Even the great and terrible Chawles H. Poole uses them without knowing why.

In a town not one hundred miles away there lived a simple and un-.-.ophisticited reporter. (Being simple and unsophisticated, he should have been stealthily captured and phieeti in a museum—but that is by the w.'iv.) It was the duty ol this scribe to waylay and interview the invaluable cockie when he cam?- to town, and from the information thus Cleaned, to write erudite para-oi-iphs about turnips, and twoheaded calves, and the family of the übiquitous mutton-producer. One day, the reporter fell m with one of "the inspectors, whose wan-di'i-iuirs in the back blocks add "icatiy to the cheerfulness of the nation, and the inspector, being a habitual poker player, and therefore without morals, gave tlie reporter a paragraph. The reporter enthusiastic*! lTv published the fact that the ewes'of Mr. .John Smith, of The Homestead, had a lambing average of 150 per cent. Then Mr. Smith called. He was a retired merchant, pompous and Presbyterian, who hated flippancy. "The Homestead was his palatial residence in "the suburbs; his ewes numbered six. and were kept for eating down his extensive lawns; three of them had courageously brought forth twins. Mr. Smith was induced not to stop ,his paper.

Sir William Lever's visit to New Zealand seems to involve more absorption of existing soap and candle firms than garden-town planning. Now, out Otahuhu way he would have great scope. But, of course, he has to go where there's some tallow to spare.

Auckland University College students may be expected to be strong supporters of the Mayor s scheme for a new outlet to the eastward from the foot of Queen Street. The suggested road goes right through the barns where the professors give out selections from their stores of knowledge. Finely attuned ears can almost hear the first rumblings of heavy traffic that is going to rob the Supreme Court and Government House quarter of its atmosphere of quietude.

Panmure is quiet now, according to Alexander Bell, clerk to the Manukau County Council. He told the Tamaki Bridge Commission so. He evidently meant in a business way, for he said it once had more hotels and stores than it has now. Panmure was laid out as a village for army pensioners. Their oneacre lots can be picked out to this clay, and some of the original cottages are still standing. The old township has a beautiful situation. You pass through it as you go to Howick, where the flowing tide goes out.