REFORM!

Observer, 9 December 1912, Page 7

REFORM!

BY. THOMAS CLODD.

For The Obberver Christmas Anntjal

tLFRED ALPHA, as far as memory serves, lett his native Auckland for Kamchatka on January 13, 1913. He was eighteen years of age and full of ginger. He wanted to make a fortune, and having decided to do so, waded in, and kept wading in for ten years. During the time Alfred engaged in the pursuit of lucre, New Zealand, as far as he was concerned, did not exist, for Alfred was an orphan, and the fair girl he left sobbing on the wharf consoled herself with Another almost before the wake of the good ship Waihuna had been smoothed out by the implacable tide. What happened to Alfred in Kamchatka does not concern us. Sufficient that he achieved a fortune and that a week before Christmas, 1923, the good ship Wairemu (100,000 tons, and the latest addition to the Union Company's oil driven fleet) nestled alongside Queen-street wharf, and Alfred, together with ten thousand other passengers, stepped ashore. Quite a large crowd, numbering anything from 90,000 to 100,000 people, were on the wharf to meet the steamer, and this crowd included the Lord Mayor, Sir Christopher James Parr, who had come

to welcome the new citizens and to extend the broad white hand of civic friendship to the distinguished ex-Aucklanders who had returned to the First City in the Southern Hemisphere. Glancing from the Lord Mayor to a skyscraper on the water front, on which appeared—at about the thirty-fifth storey—the legend "J. J. Craig," he noted still at a higher altitude the one word, in letters, approximately 40 feet long, "Keform !" The Lord Mayor bowed gravely, but said never a word. /Alfred evinced surprise and asked if this was "the Christopher James he had known in his youth. Mysteriously the gentleman whom he had questioned murmured the one word " Eeform," and thrust a pamphlet of one hundred pages into his hand. It was the Lord Mayor's address of welcome. "No public man ever speaks in Auckland nowadays," pursued the gentleman, who, as a matter of fact, was Arthur Rosser, in a frock coat, belltopper, lavender pants and lemon-colored gloves ; "it's considered bad form." "And don't the people even cheer ?" whispered Alfred. " Why, yes, of course," answered Alfred, "see !there they go !" The whole crowd were writing on little slips of paper the one word " Hooray !" which they held aloft and waved decorously.

THE NEW AUCKLAND. A CHRISTMAS FANTASY.

Alfred was impressed. He had intended taking an aeroplane to Heme Bay (where lie had purchased a mansion), for there were several hundreds or theee on the raised platform, and extending several

hundreds yards out to sea, the tent thus formed being shelter for innumerable leviathan steamers at anchor beneath. Instead, he thought he would walk up Queen-street. Before •he had pushed through the crowd very far, he met a gentleman attired from head to foot in bright green, carrying a blackthorn in one hand and a portrait of the late W. E. Gladstone in the other. Across the breast of his jacket were written the words, " Home Rule for Ireland \"

" Why, Mr Farrell \" remarked Alfred, glad 1,0 see a face that had one time been familiar to him, " how are you ?"■'•'. - The pair chatted affably and walked along the street, Mr Farrell occasionally interrupting the conversation to call "Home Rule

for Ireland*!" through a collapsible megaphone which he carried slung over his shoulder. At the foot of a large crowd was listening enraptured to a number of speakers, for although, as has been pointed out, official oratory was no

longer in fashion, social reformers were permitted under the civic regulations to carry on verbal propaganda. On a great flag-pole shooting from the centre of the ring was a gigantic streamer, "Vote for Prohibition I" and a man of fine proportions, and with a tremendous voice, was addressing the crowd, urging them to wipe out the intolerable monopoly of alcohol from their midst. "Why, it's Tom Allen I" said Alfred. "Yes/ remarked David, "and the gentleman in clerical garb with the hymn-book ia the Eeverend Michael Walsh. The stout clergyman alongside him is Canon Maurice Coughlan, the fine upstanding man who is giving out the tracts is the Rev. Maurice O'Connor, while Dean John Endean is, I believe, the next speaker. He is, I understand, undertaking a strenuous propaganda against the evil of football in our midst and has advocated that all public reserves be closed except for Church purposes. He has donated two million pounds for the erection of anti-sport chapels on the existing city reserves, and several thousands for the provision of hassocks for aged worshippers." , " But surely there is some ! antagonism to this clerical pprty, and their attempt to 'interfere with the liberty of the subject,'" suggested Alfred. " Well, as a matter of fact/ pursued the ardent Home Kuler, "Mr Smeeton's championship of the Two-up schools has been rather unsuccessful. By the way, Mr Dave Gallaher, who conducts the Ponsonby Mission, was having some success in the ab-

olition of football, until the Dean John Endean < Blues/ under captaincy of Mr A. C. Caughey, and containing such well-known players as H. E. Pacey, G. W. Fowlds, J. C. Entrican, John Court and others, created a small diversion in favour of the brutal game. Helped by the definite antagonism to the wretched pastime of Mr Vie Langsford (who has just returned from a strenuous career as missionary in Fiji), the reform must come/

it was quite delightful to Alfred to be able to notice among the teeming millions with whom he

was moving, some of the kindly faces that he remembered in Ms youth. "Why, upon my soul !" he exclaimed, when he had left the Home Ruler, "here's Coroner Gresham ! He hasn't changed at any rate/ pursued Alfred to himself, as he stop-

wed to grasp him by the hand. Mr Gresham, beaming with benevolence, was carrying a small and beautiful dog under his arm. Ever and anon he patted its little head and said, Dear lttle doggie diddums den ! the sweet icle sing ! And

are you still the Coroner, sir ?" asked Alfred, respectfully "Yes," returned the Coroner, wittt the most winning smile, "bupt I am thinking of resigning my position. For three years I have written a letter every day to the authorities begging

them to reduce my salary. They absolutely refuse to listen to me, and unless they permit me to sit without reward/ I am afraid I must confine my public services to the presidency of the S.P.C.A. 1 have repeatedly asked the authorities, too, not to spend the public money in the erection of morgues, feeling that it is the duty of the Coroner to use his own drawingroom for the purpose." Still affectionately strobing Fido, the Coroner nodded brightly and passed on

It occurred to Alfred that as his stock of socks and handkerchiefs was low he should call in to some reputable provider to replenish it. seeing ing the name of "J. H. Hannan" over the door of a shop, he entered. Alfred did not disturb the pretty scene that was being enacted. A crowd of merry children were dancing round the famous philanthropist. At short intervals, he drew from a big box at his right hand, handsful of sover-

laughing out of the goodness of his heart at the glee of the little ones. On his knee was a bonny little curly-haired youngster, trying to climb to his laughing face by making ratlines of his whiskers. When Mr Hannan saw Alfred, he blushed rosily at being caught in the act of doing good, and hastened forward. Alfred mentioned his requirements. Mr Hannan in the meantime interrupted his work of gathering them by brightly running to customers who had come to pay bills, invariably saying, "Oh, that's all right ! Christmas time, you know." and chuckingly receipted a score of accounts, without taking the money.

" How much ?" asked Alfred. " Oh, don't mention it," §aid the Philanthropist, absolutely shining with the gladness of good deeds. "Take 'em away . present from me — Christinas time — hooray !" And leaping the counter, danced a breakdown in full view of the populace, ultimately seizing a poor forlorn looking tramp, dragging him in, giving him a free outfit and "five pounds to buy tobacco with," as he quaintly remarked. " I'll wake up directly, I suppose, and find myself back in Kamchatka," brooded Alfred, as he sauntered out of the shop and ran full tilt into a gentleman who was hurrying along, arm in arm with another distinguished looking citizen. The hurrying citizen had been carrying a bundle o. educational works under his free arm, and with the impact he fell heavily, scattering his valuable volumes, cannoning into his friend, and finally

smashing his hat violently against the window of a'taxi cab, which was shattered. Alfred watched the gentleman withdraw his head from the taxicab window with grief. He was extremely sorry, but when he observed that it was Dr. P. J. Nerh?ny, and that the citizen with whom he had been arm in arm was Mr P. Mackay, he turned exceedingly pale. " Great Scott, I'm in for it now," lie panted in fear and trembling. Dr. Nerheny retrieved his hat from the broken glass, wiped the ruby moisture from his lofty brow, gathered up his scientific and educational works from the gutter, and said, " Really, my dear sir, I regret exceedingly having been the unfortunate means of this collision. Peter, you will bear me out, when I say how exceedingly sorry I am. Sir, I should like the honour of your acquaintance—even your friendship if I may be permitted. Peter, i\:it friend— my best friend, I may say—do I not recognise in the refined lineaments of this gentleman, whom I so unfortunately and almost rudely collided with, those of young Alfred Alpha, who, I understand, has been absent from our midst for so long. We dine together." . "No ! no ! no refusal, I beg—the honour is mine. Then Dr. P. J. Nerheny, Professor of Political and Civic Economy at the Auckland University College, hailed a taxi-cab, bowing his friends in with the grace, of a Chesterfield. En route, the Professor, who made light of his scratches, observed a gentleman on the sidewalk. " Upon my soul, one of the dearest friends I ever had. Here, cabby, pull up and open the door for Dr. Pabst. My dear friend, how are you ?" he said, warmly greeting the doctor. "Delighted beyond expression. I wanted to see you about a little thesis of mine, which with the aid—by wireless—of my friend, Delsbruck Of Jena, I am preparing for presentation at the

New Zealand Science Congress. And as Dr. Tom Long, D.Sc, M.A., is to preside, I would be glad to have it perfect in detail." At dinner in the professor's palatial rooms, the delightful courtesy.consideration and conversational perfection of that great man so charmed his hearers that it was hard to part from him. With the perfection of manners that had made him the prince and pattern of gentility, Dr. Nerheny, dismissing the man servant who had silently appeared when the guests were departing, himself handed them their hats, gloves and sticks, and accompanied them to the door of his own private 99 h.p. RorumHoller car, instructing the liveried chauffeur to take them home.

" Delightful man, the doctor," said Alfred,

"Yes, and so unselfish with his great gifts. Only lately he lectured for nineteen consecutive nights to the Association of Veteran Grandmothers on the almost lo3t art of extracting by labial suction the maximum nutrition from the ova of poultry/

"■ And," pursued Peter, with obvious admiration, " he has spent weeks in instructing me in the preparation of physicians' prescriptions, unselfishly intimating that I may be thus qualified to open a pharmaceutical dispensary. Perhaps you have noticed the grateful look his chauffeur gave him. The chauffeur hangs on his every word, and is indeed wholly devoted to him. No, lam not sure of his name, but I think it is Shoolbred, or Shooling, or Schofield, or something like that. There is quite a touching affinity between master and man in this particular instance. The tireless nature of the man is demonstratad by the fact that he insists on performing all the major operations at the hospital, and the honorary hospital staff has been on leave in Sumatra for two years now on full salary, as there is now no need for them."

Alfred was up betiirop in the morning, and took a car into the city. He noticed without surprise--for he had made up his mind not. to be surprised ai anything that the tram barns extended as far as Cox's Creek and that the first car out of the Ponsonby end was numbered 3003. Surely the gentleman standing on the tram road outside the barn was Mr Walklate ? As each car pulled out into the road, Mr Walklate raised his hat to the motorman, the motorman rising from his seat as that gentleman polished it with a red velvet duster. This done, he stepped down, handed each succesive motorman and conductor a glass of champagne and a plate of devilled chicken, asked him respectfully to accept a five pound note, raising his hat again, and went back to his job of brushing the men s

civilian's clothes in time for their release from their two and a-half hours day. On Alfred's way to the city, his astonishment surged back again, for in at least two instances, he observed citizens rise to offer their seats to ladies. On the

corner of a street he failed to recognise — for there was not a building of fewer than twenty stories in it—was to be seen an enormous pile with " Auckland Technical University —By George \" written in huge letters on every storey. He alighted from the car in time to see a gentleman who seemed strangely familiar to him emerge from the magnificent portals. . Out of sheer curi-

osity he waited indolently in the vicinity, looking furtively at the gentleman who was of enormous proportions, so large indeed that it would seem to be necessary for him to enter ordinary doors sideways. Turning rather suddenly as a distinguished looking personage came up with outstretched hand, three loud reports were heard, and three waistcoat buttons sharply rapped the steel front of the Academy. " Ah, Mr Garland," said the obese one, covering the exploded waistcoat with a large ,

chubby and dimpled hand, " glad to see you."" " My dear Mr George George," replied Mr Garland, taking a piece of that celebrity's hand in two of his own. Mr Dick Crowe, wearing one of the new Brett black and white sweet peas in his buttonhole, also sauntered up, and together they discussed education. Mr George mentioned that since he had entirely given up having his own way about technical education, had deferred to the opinion of every local body, including the Education Board, and had conferred daily with Sir George Lett, the eminent

literary authority, things were going on like a house afire. He found that complete deference to individual opinion very feeding, and leaving his friends, waddled away to the great emporium of the Bight Honourable Graves Aickin, who, on account of making a fortune from Reform Pills, had been almost raised to the peerage, and who, now in the Reform Ministry, had obtained his P.C.-ship. As Mr George purchased a two-gallon demijohn of anti-fat, he said "Re formed, d'you know, I think It's doing me good. I lost a whole pound last week — down a drain, and I'm only twenty-four stone now." "Ah/ , chuckled the Right Honourable, "coming round, I see." He was, it seems, attempting a joke at the circularity of his client, although to be sure, he may have been referring to the young apprentice, who had been undergoing strenuous pedestrian exercise round Mr George in order to reach some Reform tabloids, and who was now partly visible from behind the east coat tail of Mr George.

Alfred, who had been a member of the Kamchatka Snow Board, was naturally interested in local bodies and as he had an evening to spare, he drifted into the City Council Chamber, and was frankly surprised to notice that its personnel was the same as it had been before he left New Zealand. Over the Mayoral dais was the one word, " Silence !" and on a large scroll was written all the propositions for the evening. Sir Christopher

James Parr held in his hand a pointer, and as each matter came up he merely put the stick on the number. A written proposition to extend the tramways from Onehunga to Mangonui was being silently referred to and Councillors Nerheney, Tudehope and Gunson rose simultaneously and waved pieces of paper with " No !" written on them. Seeing that at least two of the Councillors were on the point of apoplexy from suppressed language, Sir Christopher pointed grimly to the word " Silence'" at the moment when one of the apopletic Councillors, unable, to suppress himself any longer, roared, " Mr Mayor, I protest ! " The Lord Mayor touched a bell and two stalwart ex-soldiers entered, seized him violently, opened a trap-door and emptied him in—his hyperion curls being the last portion of .him to disappear. In the next morning's " Herald " appeared an article headed "A breeze in the Council/ , animadverting on the conduct of the Councillor who had dared to speak in the Council

Chamber. Fearing further evidences of Reform, Alfed went forth in a dream and found his way into the Salvation Amy barracks, where Capt.-Ad-jutant Harry Hayr was billed to give his testimony. The captain said he was glad to-night that he was still trusting and hoping. He rejoiced to say that although he had been a bad man, having often

caught as many as 25 schnapper in a single day, he no longer indulged in the sinful pastime. He had even he acknowledged, with tears running down his face, once attended a race-meeting, and he admitted with a sob that once in the bad old times he had been present at a football match. He would call on his young comrade, Lieutenant Paul Hansen, to lead in the next glory song while comrade Joe McMahon spread the flag for the collection. Major Charlie

Philpott would on Sunday next open his great sweep—a penny in and the winner to give the stakes with 50 per cent, added to the fund for the conversion of members of the Y..M.CA. A highly delightful "volley" was fired by the juvenile soldiers, led by Benny Myers, the boy orator who

waved his handkerchief in ecstasy and incidentally blew hia bugle, an instrument that, being musically inclined, he never stirred without. Sam Bradley, captain of the Onehunga branch, made a stirring appeal to those present to come to the penitent fom, and after a great deal of persuasion—the doors being locked in the meantime there were added to the corps Comrades Shackelford and Buttle, who promised in

their testimonials to lead lives like their new leader Captain Harry Hayr, to which that officer replied "Fire a Volley I" Bather dazed by the rush of events Alfred left the barracks at 11.30, and found that Auckland had become continental and was in fact only just beginning to spend the evening. Outside the cafes in Queen-street, hundreds of citizens sat sipping their beer, a proceeding that greatly annoyed Mr Palmer, who strode toward Mr Weeley Spragg and dashed a brimming

glass from his hand. There was, of course, a fight, which gave several members of the Peace at any Price Party, who had been holding a meeting at the Grey Statue, an opportunity to wave the olive branch. Colonel Alarm Bell, wearing short trousers with white socks visible beneath them, a turn down collar and black tie, a large umbrella and a gigan-

tic book of moral maxims, stood on a soap box and recited Shakespeare's immortal advice to fighters : " Birds in their little nests agree, And. 'tis a painful sight to see Children' of one familee Fall out and chide and fight." Colonel Logan spoke earnestly to one of the cafe habitues about "turning the other cheek also," and Colonel G. W. S. Patterson, with tears streaming from his eyes, beseeched Th Colonel's Prayer everybody to let brotherly love continue. Swinging into Upper Queen Street, having marched from Karangahape Road, was a mass of citizens, headed by W. B. Leyland and his lieutenant, Finlayson, carrying banners on which were displayed skulls and crossbones and "Long Live the Eepublic ! " W. 8., who had several pieces of Union Jacks in hia hand—possibly wrenched from their parent poles—had become famous for his advocacy of Chinese occupancy of New Zealand. He led the party which clamoured for the leade>

ship of Yuan-shi kai. Willie Napier, arm in arm with Wun Hi Ling Fat. emissary from Pekin, vented his feelings by shouting "Down With the Navy and Death to Ferro Concrete ! " Weary with the events

of the day, Alfred sought his couch and dreamed that the world was square at one end and round at the other, that people walked on the sky, ai.d that trees grew downwards. He awoke but little refreshed to find his man at his bedside with hot water and the " Herald." One of the first news items that attracted his attention related to loid Henry Brett, of Takapuna, P.C., L.L.D., M.P., Minister of Posts and Bails, who had been successful in getting a bill passed, making the yiaying of instruments a criminal offence, as well as j-reacrib-ing not less than ten years' imprisonment for any person found guilty of rearing sweet i ( j as. The front page was devoted to a picture of Mr Hα: ry

Horton with the exception of a paragraph stating that the paper would cease publication duriDg tie summer months in order to give the staff a holiday. A year's profits had, it was stated, "bet-n divided amongst the employees. Unfortunately a'sbou-dei heading had been left in, by a comp. who Had bten in rather a hurry to catch his private launch to Kohimarama, and "Wit and Humour" did eeem

a little incongruous. Alfred was not at all surprised to read that Sir John Fuller, the celebrated philanthropist and entrepreneur and Silver Tenner, had given all his theatres to the public and was devoting his enormous fortune to providing the people free, gratis, and for nothing, with entertainments by the most eminent actors, actresses, and artists on earth. A telegram from Te Aroha ar-

rested his attention, for it said that Mr Balph Somers, the Mayor, had been so successful in his campaign against extravagance in dress that a simple attire consisting merely of a flour sack with a slit for the head and a piece of rope, constituted his common street dress, and that Te Aroha had

" followed suit" (laughter). The personal column contained a paragraph stating that the editor, Mr Douglas, had relinquished his position, and was now engaged in the scientific propagation of tit-tlebats, on his Eemuera estate, and that Mr A. Sanford,

the eminent author of Piscatorial Possibilities and a profound authority on finance, would occupy the chair. The next sixteen issues would be devoted to the hitherto unpublished evidence that the editor might have read to the Cost of Living Commission. In the correspondence column was a long letter from J: H. Upton, bitterly protesting that the citizens paid too much for their gae, and giving full and explicit directions of the latest

scientific devices for obtaining a supply from the controlling authority without the unpleasantness of paying for it. There was also a letter from Mr A. Raynes, Mayor of Takapuna, suggesting a scheme for a Greater Takapuna. " Now that Mr Murdoch McLean," said the letter, " has completed the bridge from Auckland to Bayswater, it is advisable that Auckland should be included in the Takapuna Borough. I would suggest that my residence be

built on what was formerly called the Stanley Bay Reclamation,-an order that my administration may be more centfalised."

He was very much surprised that the paper recorded no deaths, and calling in his man—who had never been out of Auckland—he made enquiries. "We never have any deaths in Auckland, nowa-

days, sir," he said " You see, Dr. Sharman, the port health officer, is so strict and clever that he never allows anybody suffering from disease in. You'll have to turn up the files of ten years ago to find a death notice." In the " Society" column

he observed that Mr and Mrs W. E. Woodward with the twelve children were on a holiday visit to Napier. There were new features in the paper, too. For instance, a " private advice " column was obviously popular. This was one of the answers : "H. Hopper Adams—Yes, it certainly is a very great handicap to be over shy or modest. Try to overcome it by mixing with your fellow men. Be more self assertive. Join in the conversation. To overcome the habit of blushing and then desiring to go away and hide is comparatively simple. For instructions how to do this see answer to A. Kidd." When Alfred went down town, he gazed with interest-on the many brass plates, seeing hundreds of familiar names, and some strange ones. In Shortland-street, for instance, there A Happy Family was this one : W. H. Bishop (late S.M. Christchurch), General Adviser. Chief Justices instructed in their business at reasonable fees. Prison Boards advised. Politicians carefully taught. Special class for J's.P " Hurrying up the steps was a scholar with his bag of books

on his back and obviously

agitated. "What is your name, my poor boy ?" asked Alfred. "F. G. Ewington," said the scholar, " and I'm afraid I'll get caned for being late/ Just then a round red face was pushed out of the window. " Ewington," it roared, " late agaiii —I'll teach you !" Alfrea had been told that the neu Lifeguards' barracks were situated in what had been once called the Freeman , ? Bay district, but which out of compliment to the Lord Mayor was now called The Bishop's Pupil " Parradise," and he stopped a big well-covered man. " Could yo\i tell me where the Lifeguards' barracks are ?" he asked. " No," said the gentleman, with a soft innocent smile oozing from him, " I can't. I don't -N know anything. I'm J the Innocent from Innocentville. Only yesterday a fruiterer asked me how many beans made five, and I couldn't tell him. I! Don't even remember

my own name, I'm that innocent." Haven't you got a card ?" asked Alfred. The gentleman hadn't, but he took his collar off, for he knew his name

was on that. He read

Webb, perhaps a little stouter than in days of old was beating time to the music of the dredge and the crowd, which included Dr. Thomas, Messrs Sharp, Philpott, and other devotees of music, were rapturously soaking in every sweet sound the buckets made. It appeared that the art of music had greatly advanced in Auckland, and that Sir Christopher Parr, the Lord Mayor, had approached Mr Gunson and had begged him to allow accredited musicians to listen to his dredge, as he desired to make Auckland " the " home of music " in New Zealand. Art indeed was rapidly developing, and even then a, number of the leading architects were gathered round Bradney's office, which was considered the

greatest architectural masterpiece of this or any other age. The spirit of art had entered the soul of the Harbour Board, for no objections were taken to allowing E. W. Payton, S. Stuart and Frank Wright spending hours watching the sailors getting their rich

slowly. "J. Lamb— yes, that's it ! I'm Jimmy Lamb—the Innocent Lamb." Then Jimmy pulled a little book from his pocket and went down the street reading "Jessica's First Prayer."

A great building of many

stories reared its brazen front as Alfred proceeded., and he noticed the name ot "Ned Smith" on it. " There's a great many stories in that building, sir/ , he remarked to a passing stranger. " You're right," answered the stanger, " Ned's in it, and he knows more than any chap I know." More what ?" asked Alfred. " Why, stories, ot course—there's that one about the girl who—but there, I've got to catch a boat," and he disappeared. Having gazed on the Lifeguards' barracks, Alfred retraced his steps and strolled down the rm Innocent! wharf. He thought he would once more love to hear the dredge. As the dredge was at work there was no difficulty in finding it. Evidently some Bort of a class was feeing held in the vicinity for a crowd of people with long hair were gathered. Mr

effect on the sides of the ships. "Ah," exclaimed Alfred, as he read a large notice, "Wanted an accomplished artist to chip paint. No New Zealander need apply/ " New Zealand is waking up— Hooray I"

As Alfred turned from these pleasant scenes, he was almost bowled over by a man who was in a desperate hurry. "Why, Bob—Bob Wynyard," he shouted, "wait a bit I" but Bob never paused. He simply turned round and roared over his shoulder as he ran along, " Can't stop—too much work to do—going night and day—no time to sleep

" I'm learning to trot. If I don't wear hopples, I'm bound to break." Turning down Vulcan Lane Alfred found a large building of curious design. There were thousands of small apertures

each with a name over it, and many men were either withdrawing or depositing valuables. As Alfred saw Mr Devore put several thousand sovereigns in one of the apertures and walk away, he approached him and asked him about it. "Yes," said that gentleman, with his chest well expanded, " this is the safe deposit. Saf.e my dear sir, safe ?" he asked in surprise, "of course it's safe. Since

Sir Alfred Glover got his ' Compulsory HonestyBill ' passed, you might leave a million sovereigns on the pavement, and no one would touch them." Mr Arthur Cleave stepped out and kissed Alfred on the forehead. "What our dear friend says is perfectly true," he said, "and I have reorganised the safe deposit as you see and handed it over as a present to the city. This," he said, pointing to an extra large aperture containing huge piles of sovereigns, "I keep filled for the benefit of the public. Permit me to give you a couple of handfuls." " Amazing \" murmured Alfred, and passed

work, work, work so long \" —and wiping a along into Wellesley-street, being attracted by a handful of perspiration from his dripping brow he wall bill that said a hymn-singing contest was besped onward. Coming towards him was a man ing held. He found the general secretary of the wearing hopples. "Great Scott," exclaimed Al- V.M.C.A., Mr Reginald Masefield, handing out fred, " it's C. Mark. Hey, what are you doing ?" books to the congregation as it poured in, while As Charles went past he "exclaimed breathlessly, the assistant secretary, Mr Charles Drysdale,

whispered encouragement to the people as they ascended the stairs into the hymn department. Preliminary to the contests, being held to raise funds for the More Complete Clothing of Piano Legs and the Moral Uplifting of the Bare Idea,

Mr J. Partridge, the social reformer, addressed the gathering on the evils of tobacco smoking, saying that he was glad to observe that smoking was almost eradicated among men and that an attempt

was being made to minimise the practice among women, while he was followed by Mr H. G. Choyce, who made special references to the sin of billiard playing, admitting, however, that he had at one

time played the wicked game, but had never " potted " his opponent (loud laughter instantly suppressed by the secretary). A stirring address upon the brutalising pastime of boxing was given by

Mr Brockway Rodgors, and he implored his hearers to " take the gloves off" in an earnest endeavour to " knock the pastime over the ropes " (load applause). During the competitions large men armed with milk dishes and revolvers took up the collection, everything but gold being rejected. As Alfred had only a few half-crowns on him he was thrown down the steps into the street, the chucker out murmuring as he heaved him down the steps, "This is the manhood facto ry—let brotherly love continue." Fortunately at the entrance door stood Doctor De Clive Lowe, who finding Alfred had sustained a concussion of the brain, sang two bars of his latest musical comedy to him. effecting an instant cure.. Feeling a little dizzy, however, Alfred thought a blow on

the harbour would do him good, but was rather surprised when he got to the ferry wharves that the owner of the boats, Mr J. H. Gunson, had stopped the service because his application that the tidal lands of the North Island and the western half of the planet Mars had not been vested in the Harbour Board by the Government. How - ever, not to be done out of his trip, he called for a boatman. Immediately three men in blue sweaters rushed to him and offered to take him up to Riverhead or anywhere else for twopence. At

one time it appeared that Alec Alison would get the fare, but Joe Carrie, rolling his quid in his cheek, offered to do the job for three half-pence. Boatman Bushell, however, stopped the row by pushing Alfred into his boat, saying he'd row him

to Lyttelton for a penny if necessary. On the way he regaled him with admiring tales of his most, distinguished "fares," naming among others Mr John Eowe, who had been so successful in getting horse racing abolished, thanks to the aid given him by Mr Harry Gorrie. Then there was Mr W. Derry, the famous author of " Scripture Stories for Little Children," and Professor

Dad Larkins, the beauty specialist, who had been made famous through the patronage of LanceCorporal Holgate of the Mounted Foot. He told how Peter Virtue sometimes used his boat to get away from the madding crowd, and to escape from the advertisement hoardings, for which he had a peculiar antipathy, and how Bob Farrell, the Poet Laureate, had immortalised him in these words :

'E's a terror for his size, But he does not advertise,

Do you Pete ?

Refreshed exceedingly by his trip round the North Cape, Alfred was landed at the Queenstreet wharf, attracted by a crowd gathered round a shop-window, Alfred, pushing his way in, read a placard on the window to the effect that Professor Pryor, in order to. demonstrate that eating was merely a habit that could easily be overcome, was at that moment undergoing a 365 days , fast. He was demonstrating the possibility of beating the fasting record of Dr. Michael Meanee, who had it seemed'put up a record of 350 days. When Alfred entered, Professor Pryor was engaged in supporting ten men, including Messrs Charles Levers, Dave Mcljaren, Flewellyn, W. Potts (who had come

from Thames for the purpose), Jack Kneen, Geo. Hume, Henderson, and Dad.. Larkins, on his chest. In an ante-room, Dr. King, who was remarkable for the wealth of his long curly hair, was giving a scientific demonstration of his Instant Hair Restorer. A constant stream "of

bald-headed men came in at one door, had their heads rubbed by the doctor and left by another door with such large crops of hair that Dolf Eagleton and sixteen assistants were making a fortune next door by cutting it at 2s 6d a head.

He strolled into Salmon's vegetarian cafe for a bite and was delighted to find his old friend Ford, of North Shore, sitting opposite, consuming a rice cutlet and drinking a glass of cabbage.'wine. He essayed the remark that it was a pleasant day, but Mr Ford did not reply. A waitress informed him

on enquiry that he had taken an oath of silence and hadn't spoken for three years. He also noticed that he didn't wear boots and was one of the numerous members of the Anti-Boot and Sock Society, founded by Mr Hodgson, and supported bj r Mr Stone, the vice-president.

Reading the " Star " that night, he was interested in a case being heard in the Supreme Court, before Mr Justice Michael Sheehan, brought by the Harbour Board against one George JAennirig, who had, so the plaint alleged, deliberately flown an aeroplane from the Queen-street wharf to Takapuna without paying air dues. It was a test case brought to decide the ownership of the atmosphere, the Harbour Board's counsel, Mr Samuel Dickson, K.C., submitting that the A Bootless Errand right to all air wit Mn

the area shown on the plan (produced) and thereon coloured red belonged to his client Board, and that the contentions of the witnesses, Erni Bond, Oliver Nicholson, Ben Gilmer and W. Ralph, that

local bodies had power i vexatious and illegal con

;o levy air rates, was a tention. His client Board

had instructed him to state that reasonable quantities of air might be leased to local bodies. For his client, Henning, Sir D. Kainger, K.C., admitted that he had certainly used the air on the occasion named in the plaint, but that he had left it in good order and condition. His friend's contention that portions of the atmosphere had been badly bent, he would disprove absolutely (case proceeding). Under the Magistrate Court news heading there appeared a paragraph, stating that the. number of household pets remaining unregistered in the City of Auckland was phenomenal. The inspector stated that he had had some difficulty in catching those without collars lately, as the owners had resorted to the sporting expedient of greasing their tails. Mr Charles Phillips 1 pet Berkshire had eluded Ms vigilance. The Magis-

trate exacted a promise that registration should be immediately effected and the nimble pet collared, otherwise the full penalty of the law would be exacted, and misdemeanant would be sentenced to attend a political meeting addressed by Mr Harris. David Ingram was charged that he did on the date named in the within document seize, or cause to be seized, a sheet of paper with intent to commit poetry. He would be bound over to keep the piece. The defendant was obviously distressed at the harshness of the sentence. Under the State Protection of Agents Act, Harry Greenslade was ordered to show

cause why he did wilfully refuse to accept any commission or remuneration in the matter of an exchange of mining properties between A. Black and B. White. It was stated that both parties had beseeched him with tears to accept full reward and a purse of sovereigns. The Magistrate said that the offence was one of special enormity. Defendant would be sentenced to receive .£SOO from the Consolidated fund, to accept a seat in the Legislative Council, and to receive the permanent title of " Hon." Defendant left the court sobbing.

The case against Charles Eanson of failing to carry the maximum number of passengers on the Whangarei boat was withdrawn, as it was proved that there were no grounds for the action. A letter signed " D. Rainger" appeared, in which the-writer complained bitterly that he had presented himself at His Majesty's Theatre one evening, paying one shilling for a seat in the top gallery. The management, quite ignoring his pro-

teetations, insisted on placing him in a private stage box. He had been irritated during the performance of " Ben and Her " by the action of the management in sending up champagne, cigars, pate de fois gras, and caviare. If this sort of thing continued, he said, art in Auckland would die. Alfred Alpha folded up his " Star," sat back in his chair and became a prey to the- mournful reflection that this was the " goody-goodest " Christmastime he had eve" -- 1 --- ---■"-' , - j -- ---successful career. He reflected that in order to wind up the adventure in the conventional way that he ought to wake up grasping the bedpost and saying that it was all a dream, and so he pinched his leg very hard, rubbed his eyes and otherwise proved that he was wide awake. He tried to assign reasons for the tremendous change that had taken place in the beloved city of his birth, but not until he had thought hard for three or four hours did he conclude that Mr Massey was responsible. The great and glorious example of the Prime Minister, who had ruled the country with a silken rod for ten years, who had refused every titular distinction his sovereign had tried to thrust upon him, and who still wore the golden pitchfork so eloquent of his self-effacing humility, touched Alfred so much that he then and there swore that he would follow in the noble track of the" citizens of his fair city even if he had to celebrate the New Year by joining the W.C.T.TJ.