THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXII, Issue 51, 31 August 1912, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

AUCKLAND CITY COUNCIL has asked the police to enforce the "keep to the right" sidewalk notices, and they will have to deal with many resentful females it they do, for women are the chief offenders against these little laws. Women don't understand regulations which tend to prevent them doing as they please, and when the timid John Hop accosts the lady who will keep on her left and obstruct the traffic by zigzagging from window to window, and asks her to conform to the regulations, he will be met with an indignant " why ?" and probably an equally indignant asseveration of an intention to do as she pleases. It's only another unpleasantness laid upon the already burdened John. The men who find the middle of the footway a suitable place in which to discuss the sharemarket, the price of beer, or the chances of the double are much easier to disperse than the women who use the same spot for discussions ot a quite different sort—but neither seem to be adequately dealt with. Auckland suffers singularly from the sidewalk fclockader, and badly needs a more rigorous enforcement of the " move on " Act.'

Thus Commissioner Cullen Auckland's criminal population : "There are also a number of ' spielers,' pickpockets, and racecourse guessers who spend the whole of the winter about Auckland, and last, but certainly not least, is the locally-raised Auckland criminal, who can hold his own in the walks of crime with the best of overseas undesirables who visit the Dominion." This indicates the true patriot, the man who denies that the local product is in anyway inferior to the imported article. Aucklanders will be glad to know that their city can produce criminal ability equal to the best American.

In the far and boggy North court proceedings are usually presided over by Jay Pees, who are on drinking terms with the principles, witnesses, and the constable. It is usual for tbe defendant or the plaintiff to make running comments and to converse with the presiding justices as cases proceed. On a timber case of some importance a fortnight ago, a magistrate was despatched to deal with it. He had barely opened the case when an animated conversation about a brindle cow took place in the back of the court between two gentlemen, who might have been absolutely sober if they had been teetotallers. The infuriated magistrate, who was unused to their court methods, turned to the constable. "Constable, this is most disturbing. I must have decorum ! Said the constable, "Yes, your worship !•' and left the court calling from the steps, " Dick Oram ! Dick Oram ! Dick Oram !" Then he returned, "No appearance of Dick Oram, your worship." Even the magistrate grinned. * * *

A gentleman who answered to the description of the person " who took what isn't hisn', and when was cotched he went to prison," implored Mr Justice Cooper, in the Supreme Court, the other day, to declare him an habitual criminal. Mr Justice Cooper, always ready to do a customer a good turn, handed him out a character to that effect Which revives the contention that the " indeterminately " sentenced prisoner is generally on a better wicket than the prisoner who is a mere amateur and dilettante. One of the most notorious criminals New Zealand ever had was awarded the "Mavourneen " sentence, as he was too dangerous to be let loose "for ever and ever. In the eighteen months he was in gaol, he was such a nice young man that the authorities hired him out to a farmer. Of course he left as soon as he had a few pounds and gave the police one of the most interesting times they ever had. This is one of several cases. There is no single case of an " indeterminate " " going straight " on release. It is a mental and physical impossibility to them, and the State will save a lot of trouble if it realises that there is no known means of cure for specialists in crime. They are only good while they are prisoners.

Are you suffering from rats ? The City Fathers are prepared to eradicate rats and all kindred complaints. Polite gentlemen with bags of poison are making a house to house canvass, prefixing the question, "Have you got rats v" to every housewife, and offering to leave a portion of poison on the premises. The aged and hoary rodents, who frisk across the waterfront in the moonlight, the pestiferous and cunniug long-tails that help the children to eat their lunch at school are doomed. Soon there will be no work left for fox terriers or the household cat—and it is a sweet thought.

The Hon. James Allen thinks Auckland" should become the „home of music, painting and poetry. From the way in which these particular arts are to'be found distributed over the world's surface it is to be supposed that the poor outcasts have no definite home, and it would be really charitable of Auckland to provide them with a home. There seems to be an undue proportion of music, painting and poetry in Europe. Why not induce some of it to emigrate hitherward and make a new Parnassus out of Rangitoto or One Tree Hill, and a home for the Muses in the Domain. The trouble would be that other nations would be grieved if Auckland made a corner m Art. Wellington would regard it as presumptuous, and Christchurch would be furiously agitated.

The Observer has for some time suffered in silence at the hands of the " Spectator's" (Christchurch) scissors. This paper is glad to have assisted the " Spectator " to many columns of original (but seldom acknowledged) matter. It feels honoured in helping the "Spectator" to achieve a circulation. But the OBSERVER is frankly amused at the unprecedented journalistic proceeding disclosed by a late "Spectator," in which is republished* a large portion of the OBSERVER'S "Letter Box" (answers to correspondents) ! The "Spectator presumption that the OBSERVER'S correspondents may for the purposes ot journalism be presumed to be Spectator " correspondents to be replied to in similar words is highly invigorating. The "Spectator" may reprint this paragraph without fear of offending our susceptibilities.

"McLean's luck" will become proverbial, and it is rather gladdening that those who know something about th men who are digging a five mile hole through the Southern Alps should swing a blade in, their behalf. The West Coast " Times " in whirling the blade, says that the McLeans were as strong men ready to run a race, engaged in a great national undertaking. It sets out some the bits of "luck.' Fire destroyed their buildings and their plant, water impeded excavations and decimated their workmen, great pockets of gas have handicapped them, and immense slips have meant that huge pieces of work had to re-done. But where the "Times" gets in its heaviest swing is when it asserts that in all the heart-breaking troubles the public whose tunnel it was to be showed not the faintest interest. The toilers soon found out that they had the McLeans in their power, and the contractors were forced to concede demands that hastened ruin. "Though the heavens fall, though

the pent up forces of nature gush in fury upon the energies of man to pierce her fastnesses ; though fire consume them and gases hurl them back and water overwhelm them ; and though labour demand its pound of flesh and a little over, the contractors are expected to complete their gigantic undertaking with the same expedition and punctuality as would a manufacturer complete the construction of a motor car." Ah, well, we shall see if the- new Government have any of the milk of human kindness left on tap. It is a case for a liberal helping.

Since Mr Myers " speeded up" the railway service and left it in a welloiled condition for Mr Herries, trains have often arrived on the same day set down in the schedule. If there is any possibility of getting in half a day too soon, the engine-drivers, of course, are entitled to prevent their engines running off the island in an excess of zeal. 'Tis said that last week passengers on a train that was tearing through the country at nearly 4£ miles an hour were alarmed at a sudden stoppage. They concluded the boiler plug had been burnt out or the driving wheels were on fire with the excessive heat. An anxious examination of the reason for the stoppage disclosed the fact that the enginemen had pulled up the train to chase a fowl. The fireman being the younger gained on the bird and caught him in a neighbouring township, wrung his neck, and bore it in triumph back to the engine. The gifted informant who supplies these details, mentions that the train arrived at its destination a fortnight before it was due.

The " Reform " Party, according to its protestations against the "Liberal " Government, doesn't believe in the " Spoils to the Victors " policy, but it evidently believes in punishing those electorates which have voted " Liberal," when they ought not to have done so. Napier is an instance. Once it used consistently to return a Conservative, as befitted the metropolis of a squattocracy, but that was when J. Vigor Brown (he of the white top hat and the yallery-brown side-whiskers) was a Conservative. When J.V.B. renounced his former political dogma and embraced "Liberalism," the town voted "Liberal." To punish Napier for its traitorous attitude, the "Reform " Government, almost as soon as it came into office, decided that a jgaol reserve which had been definitely promised to the town by previous Governments, and which in expectation had been planted with trees by the citizens, could not be granted.

This was done, " after mature consideration," when the " Reformers " hadn't been in power more than a day, and was commented on by this paper about a month ago. The latest cuff on the ear received by the disobedient town is that its public library is no longer to be presented with Government papers as in the past, which is pretty small revenge. Also it is declared that a new post office and railway station, which were promised by the Liberal Government, and the Stop Gap Ministry, and which are really needed by the town, cannot possibly be granted. This is not "Spoils to the Victor," of course, it is merely an inforcement of the lesson that "disobedience is a punishable offence." If it is kept up Napier may learn better.

Andy " Aristobolus," the " Dominion's" football prophet, and the military expert who is telling the world of to-day what were the tactical blunders of Wellington, Blucher, Napoleon, Alexander and Allen Bell, assumed his prophetic overcoat on Saturday last and launched a yarn that is a* precious relic. Andy 'Aristobolus " is worth quoting : —

" Will Wellington win the shield to,day ? Everyone at this end of the argument is hopeful of being able to •go to the tobacconist's window and view the shield the day after the Blacks come home. There seems to be a good deal of reason on the side -of those who urge that Wellington will win. Auckland narrowly escape be.defeated by Taranaki -last Saturday, ;and Taranaki does not appear to be .as strong as usual this season. Ihe great fault with the Auckland team which met Taranaki was that the team was picked on the principle of including the has-beens and excluding the younger arid better men. Reputation, which is necessarily a thing ot •.the past, will not get results. borne selectors will stick in has-beens so long as they have a leg to run about • on. "The Auckland team contained too many Methuselas. The 'oldest inhabitant' was present in 'good force. Some of the forwards, probably, took the field wearing their Maori war medals, and others may have shown traces of hard experiences in the Crimea. Auckland once had an excellent forward team. The men who • composed that forward team are now famous ; but they are not excellent. They are still chosen to 'represent • Auckland ; but they are selected because they are famous, and not tor .their excellence, which has vanished with the years. Mr D. Gallaher may remodel the team before this atternoon,and it will be well for Auckland if he leaves some of the old identities to enjoy the privilege of enjoying the fuia from the Alexandra Park paV 1" While Auckland has for many years had good forwards, it is a number of seasons since the Blue and White backs have been up to the standard of New Zealand rear-guards. Auckland has far too long been fond oi .the somewhat numerous person who is very fleet, .but lacks other qualities. For several seaspns Auckland played Wilson in the three-quarter lines and < others like him .in the rear division— men who had not the faintest idea oi real football and w.ho would not make • game ; men whose ,only value was .the slightest attempt to play the

speed, and who had not the heart to employ even that. Every Aucklander knows that the forwards won the Shield matches of the past. Can the Auckland forwards hold the Shield today ?"

If this paper tumbles over itself in the* hurry of agreeing with Andy " Aristobolus" that the alleged Methuselas couldn't stand up long enough to kick a wafer off a plate, might it respectfully ask Andy what sort of a team came along from Windville when our awful cripples, who staggered into the field, chewed them up, horse, foot, artillery and bag* gage ? Andy should really stick to his speciality of advising Alexander the Great and giving Napoleon instructions how to use his Lee-Metfbrd galloping battering ram.

This is the age of Empire in which much is talked of silken bonds, sister nations, Imperial Parliaments, etc., so that one would think that all the inhabitants of the British Empire were as brothers and that no bars or barriers existed between their freedom of intercourse, but it is nevertheless certain that anyone who tenders an Auckland car conductor one of the new Australian silver pieces will have it rejected with convincing promptness. Australian sovereigns are good currency in the Dominion, but an Australian silver coin is not. Why ? It isn't even accepted in England. An Australian lately returned from Fogopolis tells an aggrieved tale of how his good Australian silver was rejected whenever he tendered it. • * *

A shop girl refused it because it was "Australian money," and when he argued the worth of an Australian florin with a barber, the fringe-trimmer convinced him by sending it round per boy tea near by bank. The boy returned with the information that the bank had offered Is 4d on the two-shillmg piece. If the coinage was based on a different system of values, like the Canadian and Indian coinage, one could understand its rejection,but as it is good staple silver and based on precisely the same values as-the London mintage, there doesn't seem to be any reason why it should be turned down in this country—it isn't polite, anyway, and suggests that Australians are not our brothers in Great and Jingoistic Empire. It is disloyal, too, becaues it implies that the silken bonds which Imperialist orators tangle themselves in are something thinner than string.

Willie Endean is not a X.C yet, but for a youth of thirty and a little over, he didn't do at all badly in conducting the defence of the native, Tamehana Wirepa, who slew his brother. The brief which the Justice Department handed W. P. Endean had no fees attached and the case was a walk-over for the Crown Prosecutor, and a hurdle for the dfence, but Willie put up such sound and earnest argument that he convinced judge and jury that the circumstances of the slaying made it a case of manslaughter and not murder, and, this not being America, Ec secured the lowest possible penalty for his client. Mr Justice Cooper, before he awarded Tamehana a seven years' sentence, dropped a few words of encouragement and approval on Willie, who, probably, is now wondering if it isn't time to start saving enough money to buy a regalia. The case was a very good advertisement for Willie.

The Auckland Harbour Board wants to possess power to look after an enormously extended.coastline, but it refuses to look after goods—probably being responsible for a case of merchandise would be too great a strain on the official intellect. It transpired in the Partridge-Nathan commercial, case, heard in the Supreme Court, that Auckland was the only port in New Zealand whose port authority refused to be responsible for the goods held for consignees. The Chief Justice evidently got a shock and gently suggested that if the Harbour Board wouldn't take the responsibility that every other harbour board takes, merchants should build warehouses, so that it would be impossible for anyone to come along and sort out a nice selection of the other gentleman's goods. There seems to be no reason why the Harbour Board should allow anybody's goods to land in Auckland at all. Sir Robert's remark that " it must be the soft climate " suggests that unless the Auckland weather hardens, there is trouble in store when the gentlemen who won't look after Auckland's goods are looking after the extended harbour limits, and increase their trust without increasing their executive ability.

The observation is here repeated that the life of the John Hop is no bed of roses, especially when he has to deal with half-civilised and wholly undisciplined citizens. People return from London full of admiration of the majestic ease Avith which the constable stems the traffic. It's the general discipline of the people that does the trick, and the Bow-street idea behind the "blue" that prevents the policemen getting killed. On Saturday night Constable Collins found it necessary to arrest one Carroll. The public was being protected by having Carroll arrested. But an undisciplined, and, of course, cowardly rabble immediately made a hero of Carroll by attacking the constable. A rabble is very much like a pack of dogs that attack the kuri that is getting the licking, and "British fairplay" gets badly mangled when the order goes forth to the " push " to " put in the boot." The quaint part of these street rows is that a rabble will always accept an invitation to fight—especially if there is little danger of getting hurt, and there is plenty of metal, bottles, and other British fighting material about. A constable's job is to take a fighting hooligan to the lockup without hurting him, and the average crowd sees " fairplay/" It doesn't matter to the rabble whether the constable arrives at the lockup with his shako in two pieces, his ear banging by a bit of skin,

his eyes twin tumours, and his nose a shapeless heap. After all, a club is a very useful argument with a certain type of "civilised" man. * * *

The poor little public depends for its fighting geography from day to day on the daily press, which has a map of the world in the office, a gazeteer, a Daily Mail year book, and intellect. The " Herald " has told a palpitating world in a nice fat headline that a " Big Battle in Java " has taken place, and that 3,000 rebels have been killed. You will please note that the cable is dated from Lisbon, the capital of Portugal, and that it mentions that a great battle took place at Timor (where the fat little ponies come from). Java is a Dutch country with something over 30 million rjeople on it, mostly Javanese, and is situated 7.30 degrees S. and 110 degrees E. Timor is 10 degrees S., 125 degrees E., and only about 600 odd miles away, and the southern bit is Dutch and the northern Portuguese. The question is (as Mr Speaker would say), how did the Portugese troops get to Java ? It is remembered with 10 degrees of pleasure that all New Zealand dailies write furious paragraphs about the geographical ignorance displayed by the Continental who believes that Waipukurau is on the west coast of Africa.

When the late General Booth was in Auckland he forecasted what would happen after his death by saying "I can't go on for ever. But the army will. It will be simply a case of " The General is dead, long live tha General ! "

The police are very human, and, like everybody else, they love a lover. A young lady at Hastings was charged with wearing men's clothes. But before the dreadful case was heard in court, the lady got married and the police presumed the dreadful crime had been wiped out at the altar. Being a modern woman she may now insist on metaphorically "wearing the garments." No one ever yet understood why a woman shouldn't wear man's clothes if she wants to. . She generally deceives no one but herself.

The Competitions close down next Saturday night;—in the meantime, they provide entertainment and education for audiences and competitors, and if the audiences get most of the entertainment at least they have to dub up their shillings for it, and the competitors get rewarded, or some of them do. This particular festival is the largest and best the Society has arranged, and Secretary Scott-Colville walks with a haughty tread, feeling the responsibility he has incurred m engineering such success. There have been some particularly fine performances given and the best is yet to come Demonstration Nights happen on Friday and Saturday, when the pick of all the bunches will display the remarkable powers that won them fame, prizes and prominences, and which were the cause of grief in the homes of those who didn't happen to win.

An indication of the interest the Competitions,have excited i 8 Charles Chamber's contention that a judge has no right to withold a prize, and that that is a matter for the executive, and Richard Arnold Singer's denial of the contention in toto with much ler ■ I logic. It is a great achievement W the Competitions Society that its f - tival can stir Richard Arnold to rush into print. It is expected that on Friday and Saturday nights the "house full" notices will go up ten minutes after the doors are opened.