THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXII, Issue 24, 24 February 1912, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

THE threat to provide lavatories in N.Z; trains, with

paper towels, so that each passenger may obtain that cleanliness so prized by man, is an indication that N.Z. desires to progress — even if the threat goes no further. Many a weary passenger with a eooty countenance and ber grimed finger nails is deterred from undertaking ablution by the sable colour of the common towel', the absence of soap, and the parsimony of the tap. The paper towel will fill part of the gap, and travelling reporters, short of copy paper, will welcome the innovation—if it comes. The deplorable complexion of a towel on a trunk train, a few weeks since, gave a passenger food for complaint. He waylaid a passing train-man. " Look at the towel —look at it !" he said ; " listen to it a minute, and you will hear it bark." The official poked the offending rag with his ticket punch. " It's all right !" he replied ; " about three hundred people have used that towel, and you are the first to complain !" Then the passenger fell back on his pocket handkerchief.

The miscreant who mopped Missioner Miildoon the other day has been consigned to an asylum for the mentally afflicted. The Missioner is recovered from the chock received when the afflicted one replied to gentle greetings with one from the shoulder, and a rush of language to the mouth, in which he made disrespectful allegations concerning the man of peace. The afflicted party not being in order, a deputation of his relatives has assured Missioner Muldoon of their enduring regret, and all i* now peace.

That veracious old lady, the " 'Erald," had a fine tale to tell the other day aboiit the remnants of a " stoutly-built jetty " being dug out of Quay-street, the jetty being composed of three totara beams of the remarkable dimensions of 12ft. by 14ft. ! The thickness is not stated, but it must have been a remarkable forest to produce such amazing trees as could supply such incredibly hefty beams. Inquiries tend to suggest that the grandmotherly old gossip has unpardonably exaggerated.

An ancient of days down in Timaru, who happened to have farmed the soil to the great benefit of his income got an aggravated attack of old age with complications some weeks ago, and took himself to the hospital, where he was assigned two nurses, who with earnest self-sacri-fice, endeavoured to make his departure from this vale of tears comparatively pleasant. The girls somehow roused a tender interest in the ancient, for he mf|de a will bequeathing one hundred quidlets "to each of the nurses who attended me in my last illness." Everything would have been serene if the departure had not been so leisurely— and someone must have " blown the gaff " —for a rush set in at the last moment and twelve more nurses had the privilege of attending the generous l>enefactn r in bis last illness, and now the Court has to decide whether " each of the nurses " refers to the original two, or the whole fourteen. It looks as if these charitable enthusiasts for good works had extended their enthusiasm for doing good to " making good."

The Waikato one-eyed " Argus " came out on the fateful 13th of this month with an additional heading to its leader column :—•" Bereavement Notice, ' The Waikato Argus,' published idaily," etc. "Unhappily, there was no indication of what it had been bereaved of. It may have been its best advertiser, or its political convictions ; there was just that pathetic intimation that a be•reavement 1 had ; been suffered', but that surely will be enough to secure a motion of cond 'lenct , from the Institute of Journalists.

Those Auckland bowlers who journeyed South a few weeks ago have returned with a mystery that needs solving, and the wives of the bowlers are determined that it sliall be solved. For since the return of the errant bowlers, trusting and confiding wives are startled in the midwatches of the stilly night by hearing the sometimes whispered, sometimes shrieked, but more often endearingly uttered word, "Bubbles !" But always "Bubbles, Bubbles." Comparing notes the trusting and confiding fair ones have discovered that in answer to urgent enquiries, each had been told, "Oh, it's only a picture I saw in Wellington. That's all." But it isn't all, for feminine enquirers are at work, not at all appeased. Truth must out, and perhaps Tom Michaels may enlighten them.

The Woodville " Examiner " complains of the frequency of young Maoris with cash to scatter who invade the town on joy rides in the latest motor cars, and reckons that it takes the bun that the "Examiner" and its fellow citizens have to foot it or hank a bike along when these young and dusky imitators of the lily that toils not nor spins can do their shopping from their lavish petrol sprinters. Motor bikes and cars are becoming very usual among the Hawke's Bay just now, and it is no unusual sight in Hastings to see ancient bekerchiefed and unstockinged native women alighting at the fish shops from their 40 h.p. engines. It must have been Hastings that inspired Judge Edwards to remark that our Native land laws were producing a Native landed aristocracy.

The red-hot Marxian is humorous in his seriousness, but one of them in Wellington the other day with the addition of a perverted consistency made his seriousness farcical. It was at the meat strikers' picnic and a grim elderly committeeman held up two press photographers who were engaged in snapping likely groups. Why, he demanded, did they wish to make money out of the faces of the down-trodden strikers ? And when he learned the papers they were representing he vigorously condemned them as "two Capitalistic Tory papers," and demanded that the photographers should smash their plates. The picture fakers gently demurred and suggested that the authoritative one should submit his case to the editors, but this only inflamed the wrath of the objecting party, who averred that if the photographs were published it might enable employers to boycott any of those recognised for years to comeAs none of the other men seemed averse to having their portraits decorating the news sheets the conscientious objector soon lapsed for want of a seconder, and the "Capitalistic Tory " press gained another mean advantage.

The Wairarapa " Standard" should rub its eyes. Apparently it believes bo thoroughly in municipalisation that it can't conceive a nonmunicipalised tram service. Comparing Wellington's recent compulsory pedestrianism with the Brisbane racket it says : "In Brisbane the cause of dispute was the Council's refusal to allow the men to wear badges distinguishing them as Unionists." If Brisbane's City Solicitor sees that there will be a libel action.

The 1912 market reports from Britain and the Continent show that the visible supply of spies exceeds that for any other yearly period, and the fact that a man of foreign appearance was seen leaning against a gun in Albert Park on Monday should be looked into by the detective force. Spying as a dangerous amusement may kill cricket as a British pastime, and may become a serious menace to the trade in the German beer gardens. Cabled that a young German officer wanted a plan, but could not steal it, but that his fiancee allowed it to be tattood on her shoulder. She must have loved the man with the name like a sneeze, to forever give up the notion of wearing low-necked dresses. ■ m m

There are interesting possibilities about that plan. If it is an important matter—which is not likely—the authorities may order it to be destroyed, and the future Mrs Sneeze may quarrel with her soldier lover over the ownership of epidermis. Tattooing is common amongst soldiers, and it is not unusual for a man who has the falsehood, "I love Gertie," emblazoned on his cheet (together with Gertie's photo and a brace of hearts entwined), to go to the tattooer and get the whole tatooed solid to destroy the evidence of his mistake. The future IVlrs Snee: c may yet carry a patch on her shoulder rivalling the colour of Brother Johnsing. Lovers often quarrel. For instance, an American millionaire loved a girl so much that he swapped teeth with her. Got them transplanted, as a matter of fact. He went cold and wanted to marry a ballet girl. The girl who wore his teeth sued him for the recovery of them, and the American press declared that the judge ordered extraction and replacement.

Reverting to the plan on the girl's back. Sneeze probably got the notion from Rider Haggard. That imaginative person created Meeson, the great publisher who got marooned on an ieland, together with some sailors and a girl. Meeson, you will remember, went sick. Before he finally shuffled, he" got one of the seafaring gentlemen to tattoo his will on the girl's back, and his millions were therefore comfortably disposed of to the satisfaction of everyhpdy, and the crowding of the Court when the girl produced the exhibit marked "A," and various people swore that she had not tampered with the document.

W M. Wallnutt, who is making a bid for WaihPs Mayoralty and looks like ousting his best friend, the present mayor Newth, has in his 14 years' residence in the hole-sinking township, taken many honours unto himself. He is so much at the head of things in Waihi that the inhabitants believe the town would go dead and the Dominion suffer a financial crisis if he were removed. Besides being District Coroner, a J. lf., and secretary of the local boards, etc., he has the additional glory of being the "Star's" special correspondent, a position of awesome importance in Waihi. Then again he is Returning Officer and Secretary of the Life hay-ing-Surf Society, in which last capacity he nearly got himself drowne|l a while since. He is also a confirmed Spiritualist, and now, it is suspected that he will be Waihi s Mayor, and there is some anxious questioning as to where his ambition ceases.

Dr Winnington Ingram, Bishop of London, threatens to invade Australia, and when he finds out that New Zealand ia jaot a lane ott George-street, he may drop a word or two on us. The Bishop belongs to that type of man who shows above his fellows in whatever he tackles. He reminds of the old yarn about the nigger hotel servitor who was taking the bag of a celebrity to his dormitory " Die way, general.' « I'm not a general " " Beg pardon, admiral." " But I'm not an admiral." "Sorry, your "I'm not a president "Follow me, my lord bishop. « That's better !" "Ah ! I sho knew yoh wae top o de bunch MmewhVe !" The Bishops lords the most important see on earth and is unconventional. He is tne chap who invaded the London that lay buried as far as the aristocracy and the church knew. He is at home at a coster dance, smokes his pipe with the Covent Garden poiters, shoulders his way into Billingsgate, and talks human life without whining.

He pushed across the Atlantic and hurled himself on the «^™ air Wall-street and told them some truths about themselves, and the Trust fiende who had never dealt in truth stock passed tumultuous votes of admiration at him and offered to make his fortune. He can't help drawing a robust S alary,.but he pays it out in a hurry and isn't related

to the dear old bishop who died worth half-a-million, made from the ownership of slums wherein raged the worsb small-pox epidemic that ever tore England. Dr. Ingram, a while ago, tackled the birthrate problem, and gave mothers and fathers (or those who were not mothers and fathers) a bad time. He said the full cradle was the nation's bulwark (or something like that), and indignant parents with fuller cradles than they knew what to do with askejl him what he was doing personally in the matter, for the Bishop is a bachelor. Anyhow, it is hoped he will pour some of his vivid remarks into Auckland, for he ie the sort of religionist who is " understanded of the people."

Manager Hornibrook, who is director of operations at the Mountain King Mine, Kotuna, lias arrived in town with a sack of carefully subedited stone from his mountain patch, which is for the inspection of directors. Although he is a veteran at the game of gold extracting, he no longer looks it, for the his one-time patriarchal beaiji has departed, and he now looks no older than the average "juvenile lead of old style Dramatic Co. He is a hardy annual, is manager Hornibrook, and is still able to ride a necldy and lead a packed animal over the mountain passes of Kotuna without unnecessary fatigue—and he stili has hopes of discovering anorthern Bullfinch.

A southern social pet of the feminine persuasion who has found the climate of Sydney preferable, and has been domiciled there for some months, carried her craze for the Teddy Bear mascat with her, and has amazed even Sydney waiters by her display of affection for the inanimate pet. She takes it with her everywhere, even to the theatre, where she books an extra seat, and sits the gorgeous Teddy in state beside her. Her exploite were quite outdone, however by another woman. By telephone she had ordered a sumptuoxie • dinner for two. "When she arrived, -she was accompanied only by a pug dog The waiter was full of confusion for a while ; but the lady calmly sat the dog up on a chair. He was her only guest, and she solemnly fed him from every course. The waiter has forgotten the brand of champagne which the dog preferred.

After eighteen years' of endeavour that popular Waiheathen, Duncan McLean, has given up his intention of qualifying lor the position of YVaihi's oldest inhabitant, and is now living the retired life in Auckland. Despite Ms name, Duncan is not a Greek. One of his peculiar distinctions for his aforetime fellow citizens was the fact that he was the only business man in the town to continually inhabit the same shop— a, remarkable tiling in that changeful place where shops are swapped regularly just to break the monotony. Duncan was also pointed out as the man who was constitutionally unable to refuse a contribution to sports or charity.and was the first president or the Waihi Jockey Club and llugby Union. His popularity was so great that, it is alleged, he reared to make his departure Known for fear that he might have been prevented by surging and important crowds of VVaiheathens, so he packed his valise like tne tourists and silently stole away.

Young Dr. Bell, who used to be N Z Government Geologist and who like other eminent specialists could not stand the strain of underpayment, has been oil prospecting in Siberia. The young Canadian is a fresh-faced, youthful man with perpetual enthusiasm glowing in nis eves and he did not lose Ins keenness even when he found that knowledge, enthusiasm and ceaseless work are not the true essentials in bidding tor fat salaries hereaway. He at least took one valuable thing out or New Zealand, for he married a N.Z girl—Miss Beauchamp. While most boys are spending their lives bootin" a football, young Bell was leading a great expedition to the unknown lands around the great lakes in the North of Canada. Here he charmed the Red Indians and with much pow-wow, wampum and burfalo robe they made the boy explorer a Chief. The Observer has seen the geologist arrayed in all the <rlory of feathered head-dress, and deerskin mocassin, curiously incongruous considering the mild blue eyes and boyish face that looked out of the ferocious surroundings.

« ■ It may be'remembered that young Bell was fitted into the geological iob because Dr. Jimmy McLaren, tlie brilliant ex-Thames boy, carefully avoided taking the £400 a year that went with the job, he at the moment being a geologist to the Indian Government at a salary of £1000 (servants' residence and perks as well). Tliev drift abroad these bright chaps, and as "Jimmy" McLaren inferred a few months ago, when he came to look us up, the hoi. polloi hold the tiller. And anything Iranian that doesn't take its coat ott habitually to work doesn't count.

The coloured boxer, which species ie alleged to lurk at every Sydney street corner since the Mclntosh inaugurated their immigration, seems to have an inordinate love of motoring and now Sam McVea ie out to

its and the by-laws of Sydney city. Break Brother Johnsing's speed hmHia racing car—a weird-looking, bronze-coloured ararngement — is a common sight on the road to the mountains. MistahMcVea drives it himself, and as it is 120-horse power, and he has a liking for the throttle wide open, some very fas; work is done on the long down grades. H-β boasts that on warm mornings he dashes up and has a look at the snow, and gets back in time for breakfast.

It isn't at all reasonable to imagine that these frequent outbursts of violently childish ■ fcobataew cdkd strikes may presage a return toi rea Labour Premier should admit it. m and toneTmuoh change(l !«>*** table."

Of course, there are always a few sensible men at such conferences but they are fewer amongst the representatives of Labour, and it's Labour that has got to get It is pleasing to see the N.S.. ™ politicians showing their own crowd has shocked it into them. Or is it that the writing on the wall is so obvious that they are throwmg soothing sops to the uneasy, and resentful General Public.

A Westport cable says that Mr R. Semple, organising secretary ot the Federation of Labour, leaves next week for Australia to arrange an understanding with the coal miners and waterside unions of the Commonwealth." There is something just a little humorous in the worn "understanding ,, used in sueh # a sense. What Mr R. Semple is going to arrange, those who .have heard nis volcanic voice will guess to be something more like a misunderstanding. The news of his departure is not altogether sad, though one may feel sorry for the Australians.

The woes of a circus advance were poured into our sympathetic ear the other day by Wirth's energetic G. L. Petersen, who has the job of marching on before for the biggest circus on this underneath part of the earth, and has been Wirth's hustling herald for the last twelve years. G.14.P. convincingly demonstrates that his job is not at all a sinecure, and says firstly, that in New Zealand it is also much less so, and that this particular tour from the Bluff to Auckland has been the roughtest he ever struck. He had a tale of extortion and attempted victimisation as long as the two islands, and the worst of it is that the tale was perfectly true.

In almost every town or city the Councils landed a specially distended license fee and a thuinpmg ground rent out of the show, so that G.L. began to wonder if the circus was being penalised with a view to its extinction. The firm was hit up for rents pretty hard by the cities,' but the one-night stands were the boss extortioners, fcjtratford wanted £IU for one night, aud in every little town half the population considered it should be privileged to get in on the nod. Jiiverywhere, says the protesting G. Ju. Petersen, the grounds are getting built over, are scarcer and more out of the way, everywhere the local authorities regard the circus as a fair mark for the hold-up act, and as this is Wirth's biggest production, G.L. has had a very perspiring time.

Hβ told us that when he landad the circus in a town he had first to rush round and implore the component parts of local bodies to grant him permission to show and a ground to show on, then he nad to a* range future railage or shipping, then lie fixed up quarters for the performers, and then started in to order supplies for the animals.

It's a common complaint that travelling shows take the money cut of town, but Wirth's evidently give a good deal back, as these items indicate (they also suggest part of the busy morning of a circus advance) : 150 pounds of fresh beef for the tigers and such, lashings of borse feed, 10 hundredweight of oate-'i sheaves for the elephants, 100 pounds of brown and white bread, and this, soaked in cod liver oil, is for the polar bears. Lizzie, the Hippo's meals, sweet turnips, sugar beet or molasses, rolled oats, and as a delicacy sliced raw potatoes. Lizzie is a rare and valuable finale, and must have something special. That's only part of the daily grocery bill. * • •

The advance has also to arrange food supplies for a working staff of 55. He is then free to do some more work. And yet G.L.J?, doesn't seem at all haggard. Circus expenses seem a trine over the odds when shipping and railage bills come • in. Freight passages and wharfage has run the Wirth proprietary into £2000 doing Melbourne to Bluff, and Bluff to Auckland, while the Railway Department have scored to the extent of £1400, in the North Island only, taking the circus from Wellington to Auckland and to 37 intervening one night stands. It's a wonder they don't drop it and go into the picture business.

Mr Oscar Asche and his wife, Miss Lily Brayton, who are on their way to Australia to conduct another theatrical season, gained much notoriety by the manner in which they shattered the old theory that it is impossible to run a successful play without obtaining for it the hall mark of London approval. His "Count Hannibal, ,, which was produced in Australia, was staged for the first time in England at one of the Lancashire theatres, and toured through the country before it finally reached London. Here it had a great reception, though the Londoners hardly knew what to make of the Australian actor's daring reversal of the old order of things. Mr Asche will be seen in Auckland in October next in the Oriental play " Kismet."