THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXII, Issue 23, 17 February 1912, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

IT has been remarked that a significant coolness has sprung up between the commercial travellers of Auckland and one of their number who is credited with an undue weakness for amorous adventures. The individual in question is met no longer in the haunt of conviviality most frequented by commercials in town, and, if accounts are to be relied upon, has been sent to Coventry by his most intimate associates. Two or three recent startling episodes are put down to his credit or otherwise, but in a commercial confraternity that is not easily startled by amorous escapades, these might not have counted for so _ much were it not for a prosecution in the country in connection with behaviour towards a little (girl) child, a conviction, and a substantial fine. Hence the cold look and the averted eye.

Echo of a Singer from the S.M. Court as the result of an action in connection with a damaged motor car :—" Quoth the Raven, * Nevermore V " .

"That Central ? Give me 14,000 furniture transport co." He - got the company. '* Crotchet speaking. I'm shifting house, but I'll be away to-day. Send the men to the Strada della, Ponsonby. They'll see the ' To let' bill. Tell 'em to dump the stuff in No. 1111 Rue de Mt. Eden. Righto, I'll be back tomorrow. Two large lorries, three big men, and four huge horses searched for a "To let " bill in the Strada, and founjd it, got to work vigorously, cleaned the house up, and emptied the furniture down in the Rue. Citizen returned, looked up his wife and family who were

temporarily resting in a hotel, then set out for the Rue to glance over his chatties. .* .• •

He pushed the door open, and with it a roll of linoleum. " Didn't know we had any linoleum like that," he muttered. Two paces further a Blitherheim piano blocked the way. He was interested, because his piano was a Vonderhaast. A strange sideboard, an army of unfamiliar chairs and much household paraphernalia he had never seen before gave him a sense of nightmare. He rushed from the house and back to the Strada. Not a stick of furniture had been removed. Further down the street a disconsolate group of people were gathered round a couple of lorries from the Biffbang Removing Company, which had nothing to 6hift. The family group listened eagerly to the explanations ofCrotchet, and the telephone was again attacked. *" Your men shifted the wirong house," ,screamed Crotchet. Now the company is engaged in conjuring the goods between four houses, and the problem is how to get paid for the extra work and to pacify two infuriated families.

Cricket in Australia is a fairly warm pastime, when the temperature is a hundred and twenty in the water-bag, and there was probably even a higher temperature when a certain player told a certain other player that he was the worst captain there was, and the last-mention-ed leaned over and thumped him, leading to a twenty minutes' match of the most trying condition, considering the torrid nature of the weather. There is an assumption that New Zealand cricketers lack natural warmth, and are bound to turn to artificial heat. The Observer is indebted for some information to a provincial paper, which mentions that the Anchor Company would despatch a cargo of coal for the port. "The coal," says the authority, " will be for the local branch of the Westport Cricket Club." The police have not been warned

Lawyers and such serve a useful purpose—they are sometimes able to convince the policeman (whose qualifications for the job are mostly chest measurement) that the law is conducted by method. But this ability is sadly marred these years by the unreceptivity of the average ""John." A case in point. A prosperous, but not more than prosperous, tradesman of Newmarket has a widowed daughter who lives Vith him, and the daughter has the misfortune to be the parent of a child which is a " defective," and which consequent to the consolidated statutes is in a State institution. Grandfather had always paid bills for the infant's clothing as forwarded by the Institution, but had never received any request for a monetary contribution. On Christmas Eve an impressive policeman of three stripes calls upon the widow, and demands to know all about it -and why she hasn't paid for the chip's upkeep. A declamatory inquisition has the effect of evoking tears from the lady and a confession that she is entirely dependent upon her father.

The glorified policeman then demands the presence of the grandfather of the child, knowing _ that Christmas Eve is a most suitable time for inquisiting a shopkeeper, and puts him through a catechism which has the effect of bewildering the man, who hasn't any clear idea of what it's all about and wants # to attend to his customers, and making him a trifle angry. Having accomplished this desirable result, he hies him to headquarters and reports that the aforementioned reputable and moderately prosperous tradesman refuses to contribute to the upkeep of his grandchild. In |lue course the blue paper is made out and the victim unceremoniously and without warning is charged before Magistrate Kettle with the crime of refusing, etc. The accused grandparent explains that he had not refused to contribute, had never received a demand to contribute and is willing to contribute.

Whereupon ensues some magisterial comment on an extraordinary case which should never have been brought and which should have been inquired into through the usual channel of the Charitable Aid Board. And five shillings per week is suggested. A pompously protesting sergeant grabs the official report and accuses the grandparent of wealth. The accused willingly assents to a demand for the production of his accounts. There is a perceptible lengthening in the face of Three-stripes when the books indicate that the grandparent isn't a millionaire. Now the end of this story is that the reputable and moderately prosperous tradesman agreed willingly to paying a con-

tribution, which he would have done in any case had he been informed in a proper manner that such was required. Why did the police make all the unnecessary trouble and do an inoffensive man the positive insult and injustice of hauling him to the police court before the usual means in such cases had been tried ? Also, was it not unwise of the policeman to afterwards inform the victim that he had given him four days' grace before presenting his report — the

evening race days P Further, doesn't the originator of a case indicating such brilliant bumptiousness arid inquisitoral methods deserve some notice ?

The trades unions are freely shelling out their substantial contributions for the support of the Brisbane strikers. But there is peculiar irony in the fact that the doles from these donations do not stay long in the pockets of the strikers. They find their way necessarily back into the till of the employer in payment for goods supplied. The curse of capitalistic greed, again, of course.

" Parakai " writes : Perhaps you haven't seen old Jonjack's prize sweetpea blooms? He's mad on sweet peas, talks 'em, dreams 'em, loves em. He and I railwayed to Helensville lately to have a boil in the Springs. The express simply tore along and we weren't many days getting there. Once .we stopped, couldn't see anything but a clay bank, but Jon jack, who had been telling me about the new Islington pea he had imported from Kew, started to his feet. --Let's get out and gather some sweet peas," he said. " But there ain't any," I said. "But I've got a packet of seeds," he dreamily remarked. Ernie Smith was Relighted with the blooms and shouted twice.

Belated, but as yet unpublished, and the incident shows that at least one of the million has not taken advantage of the " free, secular and compulsory education " of the land that leads the world. When the House of Lords was fighting for its veto, and peers were using language that bargees would baulk at, one impassioned peer yelled out from the peers' paddock in the Commons, Who killed the King ?" It was so chronicled in every N.Z. newspaper. One man met another in the street. Both had read the papers. Said No. 1 : "Did yer see in the papers the bit about the row in th' 'Ouse at 'Ome ?" " Yes, what about it ?" "Well, one o' the members sings out ' Oo killed King Dick ?' " In his own mind, he believed that the late Premier of N.Z. was really Imperial, and that from Wellington he guided the destinies of the other inconsiderable portions of British earth.

The honour of working for a loca body is presumably the reason wh: the trained specialist, either me* chanical or otherwise, aches to grasj a position under a Council, Roac Board ,or other corporation. In remote parts the social distinction oi being a road foreman is an advantage, and certainly a substitute foi cash. The other day a Southern County Council threatened to employ an engineer, and held a twenty-five column discussion. Several Councillors intimated that their, esteemed roadmen wouldn't work under an engineer, and Mr So and So—who was employed in the metal spreading industry—said he would (jolly) well leave if any (jolly) engineer came bossing him. So the frightened Council did not employ an engineer. Sometimes, however, Councils are quite brave, and actually advertise for experts. Petone, for instance, knowing that it may offend the staff of scavengers and the turncock, has issued a proclamation demanding a municipal plumber, who must be a combination of Lord Kelvin, Mr Edison and M. de Lesseps. This human dynamo must have a certificate from one of six notable institutions, which is a fair thing ; he must be competent to use a tapping machine for gas and water mains, and to be able to make connections to services and meters. He will have charge of street lighting, putting in new services, attend to complaints from consumers, and all work incidental to the distribution of gas. He will supervise all mainlaying and certify to its effectiveness. He will have to test everything and keep on testing everything. This" human solution of the problem of perpetual motion will be responsible for the work of the men under him, will keep their time and track of their job and he shall report in detail as to progress. He shall repair, alter, and fix lanterns for street lighting, and shall be competent to test for accuracy all gasmeters. He must attend every fire, so that gas and water may not be wasted, and he shall then be working for the fire officer in charge. He shall take stock of the plant and fittings and "he shall provide his own bicycle and keep the same in proper repair and condition." He shall do a heap more ; 6

I*3B1 * 38 ( * two typed foolscat y,'fr h ? e *s of them in all)—and he shal 3- ""get £.180 per annum, p * * • d That is to say the sinecurist, whose i- , work can easily be done in sixteen if ihours a day—supposing the fires are i- 'not numerous—will be able to earn r almost as much as those sweated men a in the neighbouring village of Welp lington get for standing on a tram s platform with a hand on the mag- - netic brake. Not a word is said 1 about instructing the children of . the councillors in algebra and the 3 dead languages, and Lord Ede Les- ■ seps Kelvin won't even have to clean I the Town Clerk's boots. No ob- > jections are to be. taken to him keep- [ ing a motor car, and he can drive four-in-hand if he wants to. The i wicked suggestion that these thrilling jobs are handed out before the typewriter gets to work on the qualifications is unworthy of a correspondent (recent arrival from Canada) who held a similar sinecure at Moose Jaw at the miserable remuneration of forty dollars a week, a a * According to Wellington reports, Bob Semple is trying to make confusion more confounded at the meat works' strike. It is said that his followers are aggrieved because of the "slow and respectable methods " pursued by secretary Reardon. Evidently, Semple's wide mouth has been blaring volcanic vituperation and inciting the strikers to the more energetic methods of roaring riot. It is said that Reardon is trying to steer his crowd into the Arbitration Court, but the men say he wont do it because there is a conflict getting ready to happen between the Trades and Labour Council men and the death and glory followers of the Federation of Labour, and the last mentioned disciples of revolution are frothing in their urgent endeavours to get the new meat slappers union to join with them. It's a striking illustration of the strength of union, and,in keeping with simple Semple's joyous objective of the millennium, when the world is one vast donnybrook and bloated capitalists hang ' from every tree. If Semple can't wreck the Gear Meat Company he is ' working hard to make a wreck of * Unionism. He may yet do the Do- ( minion a service. fife ]

p 1 3 1 3 I L t m An energetic committee made gentle assault upon the ears of grateful fellow townsmen, with the result that combined pockets of the possessors of the bitten ears were minus eighty glittering sovereigns, which were handed the county council in due course, with the understanding that an evening should be arranged for the purpose of consuming tea, cakes and assorted liquids, and making the pre-£|entation-showing-TOur-heartfelt - appreciation, etc. Nearly eighteen months' of heart sickening hopes deferred before the seething impatience of the donors rose to a menacing mutter of wrath, and a hastily convened meeting of the council (this letail given with guarantee) decid--3d to hold the glittering banquet md presentation sudden-quick.

It may have been the gloomy prognostications from the South of impending financial tightness that was the cause. It may have been nothing more than absent-mindedness. Anyway, a county council not so very far north of Auckland made apparent preparations for a call on its accounts in an original way. The worthy and respected . chairman was in the fortunate and unusual position of having the entire goodwill of the electors, and the said electors, desirous of proving the existence of the said goodwill, decided to present the worthy, etc., chairman with a bag of " thick 'uns."

And so it happened that the time came when the presiding party stood on his hind legs and with " a few brief remarks"—"long and faithful service " —" a testimony to the respect and affection " — " much pleasure in handing you this handsome cheque with the wish of the ratepayers that you should take a long holiday in Fiji or some other health resort " —he sat down amidst respectful applause, which rose to enthusiasm when the recipient, with voice husky and with deep gratitude for this recognition of his merits, made what the newspapers call a " brief and effective speech in reply."

There is an end to this sad tale, and it brought the victim to the verge of collapse. Tactfully he waited until he reached home before he broke the sealed envelope — and found nothing ! It is rumoured that the money which wasn't there is being provided in stalments. There should be a moral to this story, but we have not been able to find it.

The great grandfather of Auckland's municipality, the ancient P. A. Phillips, first mayor of Auckland and for long years Town Clerk, couldn't come all the way from Sydney to attend the Town Hall opening shivoo and receive the badge and medal awarded to the high and responsible order of past masters of our City Council. But if the oldest inhabitant of the mayoral chair was

not here he was not forgotten in the crush of the subsequent mayors who crowded to receive their decorations —medal and badge were forwarded to the Sydney Council and the father of our civic status has been graciously requested to attend at the Sydney Town Hall and have the rites of reception performed by the Lord Mayor.

Bart Kent's appointment as Exhibition booster does Auckland proud and any supercilious tourist who says we are a languid race had better happen along when Bart gets us drilled in and sets us hustling to make an Australasian holiday at the expense of our energies. The way Bart talks about making things go has inspired a fear that he means to press every able-bodied citieen into his service. The dictatorial hustler waited until the provisional committee had humbly confirmed his appointment as president, and then waded in to give the committee a clear indication that there was no further need for its existence. ■ c *#

Bart won't have the Outer Domain and will have Victoria Park, and his own secretary, and Bart met no argument from the committee, and was allowed to have all the Bay, so it is likely that as autocrat of Victoria Park he will soon be making things busy in that haunt of somnolence. Chairman B. Buttle said that all felt relieved at a great burden being lifted from them by Bart's kindly acceptance of the job of dictator of Exhibitions.' Bart could relieve Atlas of his billet any time. Heaven rest him, when his job is done.

A house in Manukau Rood, ths property of the late Mr Mowbiay, on which the Government valuation waa £1000, and the general valuation £1200, was knocked down the other day for £700. The reason for this diminution in value was a ghost. It was a good house in good repair, but the allegations as to its hauntedness not only spoiled its selling value, bqt even influenced insurance companies to refuse a second policy on it. And yet thejorigin of theghostliness was the freak of larrikins some years back; they conceived the splendid joke of occupying the house when it was in a condition of emptiness, and displaying themselves before the windows in the traditional garb of white. Of coarse human nature being what it is, the legend of the spook has gathered strength to itself in its passage down the years, and has received the vainable assistance of small boys and frolicso mo youths keen on giving colour to the tradition. Once or twice the house has been taken as a boarding-house, but the gruesome tales of kindly neighbours were too much, and intend* ing habituees mostly decided that a more central situation would suit them. A ghost in the house is apparently a worse asset than bad drainage or a mortgage, or a bailiff, and much harder to remove.

Percy Kehoe is conducting the orchestra for Allen Doone,who recently finished a successful Brisbane season, and is now preparing for a long New Zealand tour. Mr Kehoe was a feature of Bland Holt's Company of yore, and occupied his position for nearly twenty-five years.

When the actress, Miss Maud Hildyard, was in Melbourne she gave evidence that she was a lady of some dash and daring, as well as originalit v and presence of mind- All four characteristics were brought into play on one occasion when she was playing in "A Girl's Cross Roads " at the Standard Theatre, Bishopsgate, England. Mr Roy Redgrave was playing lead in the piece, when some burning fragments fell upon the stage from up near the roof, where the scenery had caught fire. There were over 3000 people in the theatre and a panic vas showing signs of developing, and would probably have occurred but for the actor named turning to his companion and slapping her face, spying at the time, "Slap n.me !" She t«,ok the hint, and a face-slapping duel took place, much \o the of the audience, than partly on its feet to fly. The diversi in was continued till a stream of water ewamped the blaze and the audience resumed its seats after giving a heaitv rouiid of applause for the slappers.