THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXII, Issue 21, 3 February 1912, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

SHORTLY before the Maheno sailed on Monday evening last

for Sydney, a mild sensation was created—an incident that might have reeulted in serious consequences—as the descriptive writers of the dailies express themselves. The lumpers were working at high pressure ; the people on the wharf crowded together •n a dense mass to bid adieu to their friends and creditors, when a passenger named " Charlie- attracted notice by leaning in a perilous atjStude over the'" free-board " of the In a dulcet and liquor-attenuated cadeuce he kept up a running fire of conversation with his particular chum " Tuohy ".

Without premonition, the latter began to climb a rope, suspended from a davitt, with the agility of the monkey tribe, and in a flash two bottles of " Imperial" ale were transferred to Charlie— presumably as' a parting , gift. Tuohy, apparently elated at Charlie's vociferous yell of " Beer! Beer ! Glorious Beer," produced a cutter " minus the cork" from the contests of which they pledged eternal friendship. ■ * a Although the equilibristic feats of Tuohy appeared to amuse the onlookers as he swung; to and fro in midair, his manoeuvres did not meet with the approval of Constable Blank, who diplomatically skirted the crowd and eventually ordered Tuohy to descend.

Tuohy at once acceded ttf the request to prevent a probable inquest, but when the officer's doty took him back to the gangway, Tuoby was op again in a thrice. The plaintive ditty; " For he's a jolly good fellow," rendered as a dnet by Charlie and his mate ended in the inwardly-inflated Tuohy being subjected to quick and lively treatment on the part of the police, and while Charlie continued to vocalise lustily, Tuohy was led oft the wharf by a sergeant who lectured him like a paternal sponsor.

That compass again. Anyone who has tried to steer himself home, say in the eombre hour before the birds begin to twitter, by the compass on his watch chain, knows from sad experience what an unreliable and unsatisfactory guide it is. And now comes a story from Waiheke proving beyond all dispute that it is full time someone invented something better. It was a motor boat or yacht, it doesn't much matter, and the captain stood by the binnacle, or wherever the captain stands in euch emergencies, -and, the wharf lay dead ahead and refused in its own stolid and convincing fashion to port its helm a fraction despite all the persuasions of the ship's gallant crew. However, there were no fatalities to speak of, and after the sensation had' subsided somewhat a young lady timidly approached the end of the wharf and hailed the skipper. " Why did you run into the wharf ?" inquired the damsel. " Didn't know it was there, not on the chart," was the bantering answer of the amateur salt. " Ob," noted the maid innocently, "and what is that little round thicg with the little rod dancing about." " Compass " said the man of ships. "And what is it for ?" "We steer by that." "Oh how funny," cried the maid. " I suppose that is why you ran into the wharf." The retort of the sea captain is not reported.

What's in a name? And that reminds as that a fine block of buildings is now being erected in Te Awamutn on which is a tablet bearing the following inscription:—" These buildings were erected to the memory of the Bight Hon. R. J. Seddonby hie faithful friend J. B. Teasdale." Tf such is the case would it not be more to tbe point to call them "Seddon Buildings" instead of "Teasdale Buildings!" But after all, as the man with a mission would say, " That is another story." .• a - * Ope envies the Archbishop of York h»e brilliant imagination. He told a number of poor women the other day, according to a par. from London, that if they were mothers they were Queens. Let him read the police-court reports, and he wHI see that there are often more kicks than courtiers in Attend-, arice upon these " queens "; atleaSt h> the homes of tbe poor. " You would be astonished, no doubt," he continued, his imagination growing more and more brilliant, " if I were to address you as your Majesties." Could the Archbishop have been pulling these ladies , legs? They surely must have thought he was. And that is not tbe right way even for an Archbishop to treat queens. * * »\ From Sydney " Bulletin ":—Auckland (ALL.) Is beginning tto'have some doubts about the " child-like wonder " (as one of the Sydney dailies described it) of the Japs who,recently crowded ashore there from the Aso and Soya, war cruisers belonging to the child- - like person recently in Fort Jackson. Note-books and maps seem to have been much in the Aucklander's eye, although he > ppears to havfet. been too polite to mention it until hir bright and merry friends had departed. One \ newspaper relates that'a Jap lieutenant, accompanied by a party of cadet?, appeared at a house occupying a commanding position on the cliffs, and asked permission to use tbe garden, ostensibly to adjust compasses. The lady was charmed to oblige, bet when the boss blew in from work, and fonnd his lawn tnrned into a sort of naval baa*, be didn't-contribute to $tie general friendliness In fact he w.s as disconcerting as the " Face at the, Window. ,, Another joke—for the JapV —was provided by the chairman of the

Harbour Board inviting a party of officers to have a look round the harbour works. Still that's not as good a one asthe permission given recently to the Nippone eexplon norsomethirjr to camp for a month or so alongside the forts at Sydney before they left for the South Pole or somewhere. • * • The unpleasant episode in India in which a prominent native ruler turned his bade upon royalty, recalls an episode in the life of the late B. J. Seddon which the general public have forgotten. In the year 1898, Phß e^ on accompanied Lord Ranfuriy, then Governor of the Dominion, on a vkifc to Hastings. The Mayor and his councillors were assembled at the railway station to extend a civic welcome to the Viceregal party. His.Excellency shook : ?^?;®* h^F h of tn l»rime'Minister was doing likewise, but when he came to a certain councillor that gentleman deliberately turned his back upon Mr Seddon. The insult was resented by the local press, and the public showed its diegust by relegating the councillor to obscurity on the first opportunity Mr Seddon, though he laughed at the incident, was plainly affected by the insult offered. A local citizen demurely dodged into a barber's shop in Queen-st. the other day, feeling that his whiskers had. exceeded the speed limit. He .was considerably surprised, however, when, simultaneously with his entry the young lady who serves behind the counter in the tobacconist's shop attached to tne premises, promptly J u ™Ped u p<m a chair and yelled: while the barber and hia the former armed with a razor, and the" latter with a stout piece of timber—emerged ferociously from the saloon at the back. The citizen, alarmed by these belligerent tokens, was about to retreat hastily, when he was re-asuured by the fair one jHrdon't g-g-go," she gasped. "Wβ only a r-r-rat. Ugh !" The rat was duly slain by the barber, and all was gentleness and peace. But the citizen's nerves cannot yet be described as in their' usual good order and condition.

They don't seem to be well up In Biblical lore at the "Star" office. "Under the heading of Wives than Solomon "the » recently published a cable cdncerning an African chief who had indulged in the expen/ive luxury of 600 wives. But this is not nearly up to Solomon's record. That amorous monarch — he's dead now, so he can't have us

up for libel—kept 700 wives, to cay nothing of 300 other ladies who hadn't any marriage lines to produce. Ihe "Star" proprietary ought really to shout a Bible for the staff. • • s Mr John Payne, leader of the Auckland Labor Party, has come to light again after resting a little in the country, far from the madding din. He is in Wellington, presumably to confer with the other leaders, and probably to issue instructions concerning the personnel of the new exhibit. It will indeed be strange if the Governor, supposing there be some blend of truth in the latest rumour, overlooks Mr Payne, when 'considering the choice of the next Cabinet-maker, the Press telegrams mention the name , of Mr Massey ac a possible Prime Minister, but surely there has been some error in

transmission. Yet even the handwriting of a newspaper man could hardly twist the letters John Payne so as to deceive the telegraphist into transmitting them as William Massey. Truly, my masters, there must be something rotten in the State 6i New Zealand if thig message about making Cabinets be correct. Mr Payne may himself be able to explain, yet being so modest a man he may shrink from dropping a fly in Mr Massey's pot of ointment. Can it be a case of political pull ? But if you read carefully Scheme 45 you will be convinced there is no such invention. Yet there is surely a mischief to be smelt out somewhere, unless, of course, the scribe who sent abroad that telegram was absent-minded. Have patience. • - .• • They had been having a lot of trouble with maids, and at last were left without one at all. She gave him five advertisements to put in the papers ail calculated to bring along an army of applicants, so gilded were the terms and privileges offered. He wae a wise man, however, with a shrewd suspicion that there were more mistresses than maids on the market. So he put four of the advertisements in the papers, and altered the fifth so that it became the advertisement of a maid seeking a position. To the four advertisements he received not a reply ; but to the fifth he got (forty-five imploring letters from maidless mistresses. That was on the first day. They have accumulated since, and the newspaper people are writing him threatening letters asking him to come and collect the pile of correspondence awaiting him. Buch an advertisement is as bad as a chain letter. The replies to it grow like a snowball. » p • The Government is prosecuting the Merchant Service Guild. The charge is one of inciting to a strike. Nothing can be properly said at this stage as to the prosecution, by itself, the whole thing being still sub judice. But something else may be said as suggested by what is now happening. -Not long ago mere was a tramway stride in Auckland. There may have been grounds for it, there may not have been. As the incident is ended, tms question does not now matter. But. when tnat strise was resolved upon,a Mr Rosser, a Justice of the Peace, who was on the side of the men who struck, wired in what were looked upon as rather too " enthusiastic" terms to the Minister for Labour. He, in reply, wished the men success in their aims. Perhaps those aims justified his good wishes. We say notning as to that. The point is, why was there no prosecution In connection with the Auckland strike, seeing that the Merchant Service iG*uftld ds (being prosecuted ?