Gems of Thought

Observer, Volume XXXI, Issue 41, 24 June 1911, Page 39

Gems of Thought

(BY OUR WALKING ENCYCLOPEDIA.)

I HAVE just been in the company of a great thinker. He

had so many brains that they were forcing his head out of shape, and, before leaving this sentence to proceed with the next one, I may say that the pressure of the atmosphere—charged, as it was, with re-inforced and unuttered thoughts —made great inroads on the graceful curve of my own respected cranium. That I survived the concussion is evident from these gems of thought, but whether they are deserving of a resting-place in the Auckland Museum is another thing. Can any of your genuises in the poetry line advise me how to get these unsightly Waikato pot-holes out of my head ? No, it doesn't matter ; they needn't bother ; I'll let my hair grow.

When left to myself, and before doing some thinking on my own account, I picked up an alleged " news "-paper to have a read, and there, staring me in the face (the rude thing !) was an article headed : " Don't Think ; Learn How to Ease Your Brain —to Think of Nothing and Do Nothing," and on another page I read that a woman has had her brain eased by being hit on the head with an axe. Lest I should get into my head the idea of easing someone else's brain, I cast the paper from me, and picked up another ; in which I read : " A man shot ; didn't think the gun was loaded." That's what he got for not thinking ! He eased his brain, and got a promotion—downwards. The thought upmost in his

mind (all that's left of him) is

" Whew I ain't it 'ot ? The best way to get out of this 'ot place is to ease the doorkeeper's brain, and —bolt 1"

A penny for your thoughts I (Not yours, sir). If you are unable to think, listen to what other famous people think :—T. A. Edison thinks that in a thousand years there will be no misery (he depends on "comic gramophone records to do the trick J) j A. Carnegie thinks that in the same space of time there will be no war (no ; by that time the nations will be like the two Kilkenny cats hanging by their tails on a clothes-line—they will have fought to a finish and exterminated each other) ; the clergy think their congregations are too small (it's the churches that are too big) ; the prohibs. think that no-license will be carried again in Waihi next December (a few Waiheathens think so, too) j the chief weather prophet thinks there will be a frost to-night ; Capt. Scott thinks the Pole is not far off ; the City Fathers think the rats are a public nuisance ; the rats think the same of the City Fathers ; Salvationists think it's time they had some new brass instruments (perish the thought !) ; Mr Poole thinks the Waihi people misunderstand him ; Mr Ell thinks ladies should not smoke ; the ladies think they should. I think they are all wrong, bar Captains Scott and Bates, for it's getting mighty cold. Since I learned to do nothing, I can't keep warm at all. I while away the time inventing

schemes to avoid work, but you know a fellow must earn enough to pay his income tax. 1 did a lot of chinking one time—before they discontinued sending my " Home Journal.''' Two home truths always struck me forcibly whenever I read the H.J. , First : What a slow place the world would be if there was nothing'to drink ; and, second, that if Dominion prohibition were carried .the H.J. would have to put up its shutters. Of course the H.J. wouldn't mind that, but what would we do without it ? (I mustn't wander from the subject like this).

I read that "an accountant, whose mind runs on figures, should mould figures out of clay, or do something artistic." Fancy accountants easing their brains by. making' mud pies I " Imitation is the sincerest flattery." The most graceful and artistic figures on the face of this earth were made put of clay. Bless me I my minds is also running on '' figures "I •

I have a large number of other gems of thought—real "pearls" — which I gave utterance to on the following occasions, but which would melt cold type. I shall be pleased to send copies to anyone requiring them j translated into any language preferred, bar shorthand and Maori.

Appended are some of the auspicious occasions referred to :—

When, while searching in the kitchen for a spoon to take some ipecacuhana wine for a bad cold, I placed my hand in a dish of treacle j

When I trod on a large marble while going through the house at 3 on Sunday morning to get the baby a glass of cold water ;

When I slipped on a conf—banana skin while crossing in front of a

tram car ;

When, hearing the firebell, I collided with a half-open door while making my way to the street where the fire was ;

When I was busy twisting and screwing and wrenching at a new stiff shirt and collar, and the missus asked me to lend her my razor for ten minutes to pare her corns—

Lor—the remembrance of them is intolerable J

Jinks : "Winks married a woman of intellect, didn't he P" Blinks : "i uon't know. Why P" jiniis : "i notice he never has any uuttons on his clothes."

" xa, what's an optimist P" '' A man who has four children and continues to think the price of living is no more than it's worth." -* > .• .•

" William," said a fond father, "hereafter you will get up just an hour earlier." " Why, dad," cried the horrified hopeful, "standard time isn't changed, is it ?" "mo," replied the father, "but son time is."

'' Come along to* bed, Ethel. I'm sure you wouldn't like to keep the .Lord up ail night, just to listen to your prayers."

Husband: " Smikson's wife is away, and I'm going over there this evening to cheer him up." Wire : "Why don v you bring him here P" Husband : " Well—er—l'm not feeling very well, and need a little cheering up myself."

Christian jjady : " Why don't you come do our Sunday school, John p" "John" Wah Lee : "Me flaidee Clistian hoodlums smashee head."

Miss Slimdiet : '' Here's an advertisement of 'a literary man' who wants board. Does he say he's a,literary man to show he's a person of refinement and culture ?"

Mrs Slimdiet ; 'No ; it's to show that he can't pay much."

'' I suppose you grew weary of the perpetual frost ?"

" Are you alluding," said the Arctic traveller, stiffly, "to my explorations or my lecture tour ?"

Female Emancipator : "With all our work, the cause of woman does not progress. Why is it p"

Male Philosopher : "The trouble is that the pretty girls spend all their time trying to be brainy, and the brainy girls spend all their time trying to look pretty."

Possible Employer : "But we are slack ourselves. If I found you anything to do it would be taking work from my own men." Applicant : " The little I should do wouldn't 'arm nobody, guvnor."