THE PIFFLE OF THE PRESS ASS.

Observer, Volume XXX, Issue 39, 11 June 1910, Page 23

THE PIFFLE OF THE PRESS ASS.

- A CANTO OF THE CABLES. t , / *?ssm

The laurels from the, Press' Ass'iKl'S none can snatch." ' > l?|i " Tommy Tomkins, Mudford's - capUffl ( tain;" soit wires us,, % .:*m 'Scored last Saturday, a century.- ;^1 not out"— , , •'"^l Such an idiotic item quickly tires us^si There'B no doubt. • $$| When some fellow whom New Z^W§ landers ne'er heard of - f '*$M Goes and dies, the Press Ass. cablea^V^ out his death, <$m And misguidediy it tells us ev'ry word of ■ ' fflk T^ Tt . e , , i t^ r^nces of his dyin g breathr'Ql It will tell us how Lord So-and-So is making * A sensation with the latest thing in ,IM ties, - ' "m And it seems to think the universe V|f is quaking .. ;'s| With surprise." / ' %$& If a parson tries to make a big sen-* ' sation , r »\g|| With a sermon on society, and wl such— h \^fm Well, the Ass. has not the slightest $M hesitation v , In cabling -us particulars — not ;'?! much. - '\M Tho' a lot of things moire worthy of V^ attention 'J'sk Are available, it seems to see not vsi one. . \>||| But of news of no importance it ",-M makes mention ~- j3| By the ton. '&§| 'Tis a beast of disposition enigmatic « 3| Is the Press Ass., and it fills" its'^il silly pate ■ , With a lot of tidings palpably erratic,' -M Which it sends, to us as something*'/^ up-to-date. ' , Aim In a lot of sensely gossip it. takes"*' tl glory, -\' : M Of its faculties inventive it isMIS vain ;_ > t ?f||| There's a vacancy within its upper; [>Wi storey— '^ That is plain. * For of interesting news it sends us^sf little, ?$m And a maximum of trifles ' itV'*Mffi ._ transmits. ' Oh, its commonsense is frangible and'^ll brittle, " ~ :j|§ And 'tis subject to a lot of siUy^ifif , ' i^Wi Ain't it time it tried to change its^f|| ' reputation ; AsM For. sending silly tidings o'er the^?l^ A , • Se ? S ' n ' r <~Wi And, instead, attempt to win folk's^Ji admiration ' '•sssi Will it, please P

There's a creature, that > is asinine and hoary, And plays antics that are likely to amuse; And this animal is clearly; in its glOry , When despatching us most idiotic ' news. Oh, the " Press Ass." is the name of this queer' creature Eccentricity in plenty- it has got j And its most pronounced and most distinguished feature Is dry rot. Oh, it pounces, on each paltry piece of prattle With a joyful and excruciating bray : If a Royal babe may chance to smash its rattle, ' Well, it cables out the, tidings straight away. . If Lloyd-George contracts a pain beneath his pinny, Or if Asquith gots a , touch of barber's rash./ It will send the news out, will this - silly ninny, ' v i In a flash. And experience doesn't teach it to be wiser, And no ridicule its idiocy can spoil. It told us how just recently the Kaiser Had found upon his Royal wrist a boil. - And it thought this news sufficiently immense to Cause,colonial folk to,fill a fearful ' thrill. Tho' 'tis likely that its action gave offence to Kaiser Bill. When to* Africa great Roosevelt went off scooting, Well, the Press. Ass. never far behind him lagged j No, it gave us daily tidings of his • shooting— Of the number of the animals he'd bagged. Of, the bally tour it told us ev'ry feature, Till we felt that it would really be divine If Ted Roosevelt put a bullet in that creature Asinine. If a pimple they should happen to discover On the body of some noble Lordling's cat, Well, the Press Ass. round,that animal will hover. And will send us all the news concerning that. Ev'ry day the latest symptoms 'tis * detailing, While each reader of the tidings greatly sneers— \ , O'er that pussy-cat the Press Ass. is bewailing .. v . With said tears. And the Press Ass. takes a spiecial Sride in telling v , c antics of the gentle Suffragette. • v When that lady on j the'ran-tan goes Is a-yelling/ Then the Ass. is on her footsteps quick, you bet. Oh, the Ass. is not a little, bit ro- , ; mantic, > ,•, .■ ■> It is lacking in a .chivalry sub- ' s .limep- . " , . " For it. ridicules that lady ?s' slightest ' , . antic, J>- \ <y, Ev'ry itime. And >in < cricket ■ scores,'. and' such, 'titu y .<«-.; ■ - most v '» ' ; - -•/ "- 'E'en to of a trifling ,\ Utile" - ---*" > '/. "match.: >V ■.■;.,' '"" ; 'Yes, for news 1 , ■ aw#ly>\' ,\'u" j a O . ',%><■ '4?, t: , { » f \sss