CITY EAST ELECTION

Observer, Volume XXX, Issue 39, 11 June 1910, Page 18

CITY EAST ELECTION

; - (By Our Peripatetic Prevaricator.)

CHOOSING THE LABOUR CANDIDATE.

was wanderin' from the point (loud cheers and yells of "put some treacle on it, and then you'll stick.") Here Mr L. Oafer, through the prevailing din, was understood to extend a pressing invitation to all those present to go an' get their blanky 'cads read. Order having been restored by the simple and summary process of hurling Mr L. Oafer through the nearest window, Mr William Washkins, president of the Cheese Chainers' Union, said that, personally speaking, he would be very pleased to stand for Parliament in Labour's interests (uproar and interjectory curses from some two hundred other would-be candidates). He (Mr Washkine) was tired of chasing cheese. He felt convinced that he was a born statesman (bowls). Nature had intended him for a politician (growls), and fate had made him a cheese chaser (yowls). He would briefly outline his platform (shrieks). He considered that the week's work in every trade should be outlined as follows:—Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, no work. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, holidays. And, of course, there would be the necessary weekly rest on Sundays (loud applause). The uniform pay should be at the rate of £5 per day, with free beer and tobacco, when required (cheers). Employers should always be subservient to the will of the employees, and should be compelled to share their profits with. them. If.,he (Mr Washkins) were elected, but' not otherwise, he would advocate the payment of £5000 a-year to Labour members of Parliament only, and nothing to any of. the others. At this point, an infuriated mob of would-be candidates seized Mr Washkins, and gently deposited him on the heap of empty bottles to keep Mr Buggins company. On their return to the hall, they found that the floor was held by Mr T. T. Snailer, a gentleman who explained that he had come up all the way from the South in order to show the misguided people of Auckland how to manage their own affairs. As a horny-handed and hard-working man of toil himself, he could sympathise with them ; and if they were good, and did what he told them, they, would reap a glorious victory. One of the candidates who had come out was a brewer, and he (Mr Snailer) was of the opinion that every person who made or sold anything stronger than ginger-pop was several degrees worse than a murderer. At this moment, Messrs Muggins and Washkiris, who seemed to have" somewhat recovered, appeared at the door of the hall, and proceeded to pelt the assembly with broken bottles. Under, the circumstances, the meeting hurriedly dispersed. It is understood that 203 persons have nominated themselves as candidates of the Labour Party, each claiming to be the accredited and specially selected representative of that party. From which it seems likely that the coroner will have a busy time on polling day or the day after.

A' MEETING of the local branch of the. Labour party was held at the Trades Hall last night, for the purpose of selecting a candidate for City East. There was a large attend•ance of unionists. Representatives of the two daily papers were present; but, having learnt that a collection was to be taken up in the course of the evening, they hurriedly beat a hasty retreat, announcing that collections were contrary to the principles of their proprietors. Mr Michael Muggins, having, by means of a club and a choice vocabulary, forced his way into the chair, opened the proceedings by challenging any gentleman present to a free fight for a pint of beer. Although there were many present who expressed their entire willingness to hold the stakes, nobody seemed inclined to accept Mr Muggins's challenge. Accordingly, Mr Muggins announced that he would proceed to the business of the evening, which was to select a Labour candidate for City East. He. (Mr Muggins) had much pleasure in proposing himself for the position, and, although he said it himself, he felt quite sure that they couldn't get a better man. If they could, he (Mr Muggins) would be pleased to see him, and • would guarantee to transform him into such a shape tbat his own mother wouldn't know him. He (Mr Muggins) was the only fit and proper person to represent the workers in Parliament. A voice: "Go hon! you hain't a worker, and bloomin' well never was." Mr Muggins said that he burled the base insinuation back in the false teeth of his accuser. He (Mr Muggins) was one of the hardest workers in the community. All day long, he performed the arduous task of holding up verandah posts, and frequently right up till ten o'clock at night he slaved at the unpleasant and repulsive work of manipulating pewter mugs, after which he often had to go forth and support lamp-posts and other weak and unsteady things. He did not receive any pay for doing any of these hard things. On the contrary, he had more than once been fined for working too hard at them by an unsympathetic magistrate, who seemed totally unable to reoognise the dignity of Labour and the deference that was due, thereto. However, he (Mr Muggins) would not complain. He was willing to suffer for his country. At this point, a member of the audience, remarking that Mr Muggins couldn't begin to suffer too soon, heaved a brick at him. The missile fortunately caught Mr Muggins on a soft quarter of the cranium, and he was removed and accommodated with a comfortable couch on a heap of ' broken beer bottles in the back yard, remnants of the last union shivoo. Mr L. Oafer, who then grabbed the , chair, and who , was picturesquely attired in a pair of dungaree pants and a singlet, said as 'owe wished to address the meetin' (A voice: "Go r and dress yerself first.") 'E (Mr L. Oafer) wasn't agoin' to dress himself , - any more than 'c was then dressed. 'E stood for the Rename working man, *c did; 'E looked with bloomin' scorn an' contempt upon those present who indulged in such haristoerafeic .and unsocialistic luxuries as collars; an M ties, an' coats, an? weskits, an soap, , , an' water. 'E (Mr L. Oafer) was a < , 'orny 'anded son of toil. 'E was 'avrn' 1 the job of pickin' flies out of^ the, treacle at a local treaclef actory. 1 his, fe" explained Mr L. Oafer, waß arder i < work than navyyin^(an^ft;gr^atdealy