THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXX, Issue 39, 11 June 1910, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

5 ipwAS in the commercial room 1 at a hostelry, and, as usual, the " gentlemen of the road" were boasting one against the other. Presently they got round to the subject of singing. "Ah, now !" said one, "talking of singing reminds me of my early triumphs on the concert stage. I had a voice then, and could always move an audience. I mind the time when I sang «Rocked In the Cradle of the Deep' in so realistic a manner that several of my audience were attacked with seasickness. " Bah !" said Boaster No. 2, " that's nothing. Why, I once sang •The Last Post' with such fervour that several of my absent-minded friends, seated in front, started licking their programmes, and then rushed out to catch it." And then silence reigned. .« • • - The prevailing feature out Onehunga way last Wednesday night was whiskers. Wherever the petrified spectator turned, there were " Whiskers to right of him, Whiskers to left of him, Whiskers behind him, Flickered and tickled." Whiskers and nightgowns. The reason ? Well, you see, the Onehunga Druids were having a public installa--1 . tion of officers, and it struck them that it would be a good idea to advertise the Druidic Order and surprise the wbiskerless by having a torchlight procession and a series of tableaux. Accordingly, Brother Peter Mackie, who, in addition to being a good soloist on the referee's whistle, is also an accomplished amateur actor and stage-manager, was called into consultation. When Peter takes a job in hand, he always does it thoroughly, so he got to work and designed tableaux, and planned out the order of the procession. • ■ ■ The result was in every sense of the word a triumphant tribute to Peter's artistic sense and to his organising

- abilities. Ten thousand Onehungarians 1 and others lined the streets and gazed upon the-festive and imposing scene. Perhaps the star attraction in the turnout was the landau containing Grand President William Hunter, Grand Guardian Dick Thompson, and District President Mcintosh, with the ladies of Hinemoa Lodge marching as a body guard behind them. The

blushes of the three Grand Lodge officers were audible as fair as the Mannkau bar, and Captain Norbury, of the Rarawa, which was steaming over the bar at the time, says that there was much speculation among the passengers as to what the noise was about. However, the Grand Lodge officers got through the ordeal very well, a proposal from Bill Hunter that they should get out and shove the conveyance .being negatived by a majority of two. ■ • •, Peter Mackie might well have felt pride in his tableaux; which elicited unstinted approbation from a critical public. . After the Municipal Brass Band came Boadicea—not tbat the warrior queen was chasing the band, but the lady was next to it in the order of procession. Then came " Britannia," followed by " Carac tacus," which gentleman, after a decent interval, was pursued by "Justice," and this, in its turn, was followed by " Harmony." The procession included the brethren of the various Auckland lodges, as well as. a miscellany of fire brigades, pipers, boy. scouts, school cadets, brass bands, and all sorts and conditions of people. Onehungarians, as a general rule, are somnolent folk, and don't often get excited, but they waxed quite enthusiastic over that procession—and with good reason. • ■ • The other evening Brown came home in rather an Irascible mood, and when Mrs B. set before him a chop that was almost incinerated, rage almost paralysed bis articulation. " Woman," he said, "-I always knew you to be bad enough, goodness knows, but it is only Inow you show yourself to be an absolute heathen!" "James!" exclaimed his wife, in shocked 'tones, " whatever do you mean ?" " Just what I say," retorted Brown. " What else, I should like to know, would you call a woman who makes a burntoffering to a man ?" And in the awful silence which momentarily followed Brown's reply a fly was heard to alight with a thud in the sugar basin

Looks as if Australia may want to import Dr. Findlay soon, in order to tone up its prison system. They are talking very hard on the subject over there just now. An Australian journalist has been writing things about the system—or lack of it—in the " Hibbert Journal " and the article has produced some sensation in England. The article is signed " by One Who Has Suffered " and he plainly speaks of himself as a prisoner, and hints that his crime was embezzlement. • • V The convict, he says, is in hell, and to all appearances this particular convict did hot appear to enjoy himself so well in prison that he is anxious to get back again. At least the methods were reformative in his case; but, hard and awful as the prisoner's lot is made to appear by " One Who Has Suffered," we know that many are quite willing to return to it. Our Deputy Inspector-General warmly defends the prisons against this writer. Apparently, he is afraid that the article will make the gaols unpopular. Why not sue " Hilbert's Journal" for criminal libel ? • a • If Mayor L. J. Bagnall achieves nothing else during his term of office, he can at least claim to have beaten his two predecessors in one respect— and that is in having the courage to wear in public the official hat of the Mayor. Neither Arthur Myers nor C. D. Grey was intrepid enough to ever exhibit himself in this weird monstrosity, which is a cross between an admiral's cocked hat and a kind of fireman's helmet. Both gentlemen stuck to the more prosaic bell-copper. Mayor Bagnall, however, has already appeared more than once in his official head-gear; and as he looks quite sweet in it, there is no earthly reason why he shouldn't continue to wear it. -■•■•• a . The present City Council must be a hard-hearted lot of demagogues. At the last meeting ot that body, a letter was received from John Henry Hannan, asking why the Council didn't attend properly to Sussex-street, in which locality, it appears, John Henry has erected an eligible family residence. Sussex-street is an off street from Victoria Avenue, Eden Terrace,' and this particular tract of country is an area of gullies, and the City Engineer was unkind enough to suggest that John Henry had erected his ' palatial edifice at the foot of one of these gullies. The critical Mr Bush also remarked that the cost of forming the street would exceed the value of the chateau. Bowever, the question was referred to the Works Committee, so John Henry may still hope. At the same time, if it ia true, as Mr Bush states, that the cost of forming

the street would exceed the value of the domicile, a nice mathematical - problem arises as to the capital value of John Henry's palatial and eligible family residence. * ■ * The trumpeting of Tommy Taylor appears to have had very little effect upon Aucklanders generally; and the odds are that Tommy returned to Christchurch somewhat chastened in spirit. Truth to tell, nobody—except a small clique of cold teaites—seemed a bit inclined to take Thomas seriously; and many of the workers themselves looked askance upon his interference in the local political battle. In fact, the odds are that Tommy has done more harm than good to the Labour cause in City East. The man a of T. E. T. may be great in Christchurch. In Auckland it is practically a missing quantity. ■ • ■ Item from the " Bulletin ":— "James Mills, boss director of the Union S.S. Co., is a big thing in his way; but he would find it a job to live up to the assortment of decorations with which Sydney ' Telegraph' provided him in a passenger list the other day: «Sir James Mills, X.C M.G., Ers.(PTMarsmPßxMV(/LOD,;, rainsf ffi ES TH AX THTHL' It looks like a stud sheep's pedigree." ■» a a To the Editor : Sir.—Will you again permit me to appeal through your columns to the kindly citizens of Auckland for a supply of Books, Magazines, Music, etc., for the patients m the . Mental Hospital. When making my appeal in May last year the number of patients I quoted as 745, and to-day the number is the same, and a large proportion are eagerly looking out.for the annual supply of literature and music. I am, etc., Henby Wilding, Deputy Inspector. • • '■• Dog yarns always fly thick and fast during; the shooting season, and the latest one conies from an Auckland sport, who has been stalking pheasants m the Raglan district. The shootist hadn't a dog, so he borrow-; ed one frojm a benevolent Ragianite, and set forth on murderous deeds intent. The faithless hound, however, was by no means enthusiastic about the job, and when the Aucklander let fly at bis .first bird, the.dog incontinently, dodged behind, aft tree. The first shot missed, and when the ' sport took a second, his, dogship, evi-. dently disgusted with the, whole affair, took to the water and- /swam back'home across the water. <He arrived home safely ; and so, by the way, did. the pheasant. Considering the fancy shooting of the sport, the tyke's flight was not altogether in- ■ explicable. It probably felt safer j at a daßtano©.

.According to the Fiji correspondent of the " Herald," a movement is on foot oyer there to deprive coloured people of their right to vote at municipal elections unless they can pass an education test. It is 'stated that in many cases coloured voters don't know whether they are holding the ballot paper right side up or not. This may be true ; but we know any number of allegedly superior whit© persons in this country who are in a similar ipredicament at every elec-. tion, but nobody proposes to take their voting power away from them on that account. After all, the ( heathen in his blindness isn't always so vastly inferior to the alleged Christian. a a aThe heathen in his blindness isn't ' always so blind as he;, looks, as Frank Whittaker discovered the other day. Frank is partial to water cress, and he was desirous of purchasing some for his bachelor establishment. Unfortunately, the only shop in which he could see any was run by a Chinaman, and Frank doesn't care about increasing the income of Chows. However, needs must when a certain party drives, so Frank waltzed gaily into the yellow person's emporium, and, addressing himself to an almond-eyed heathen behind the counter, said: " Tlee blunches wata cleth—you savvy, John ?" The Chow drew himself up in offended dignity, and replied : "I presume, mister, that you mean three bunches of water cress." The abashed and startled Frank admitted the soft impeachment. The missionaries seem to be,civilising the Chows a bit too muohee muchee. The Wellington " Dominion " is evidently causing its reptile contemporary, the " Times," some trouble in the circulation department. It is only a short time since the . " Times " brought to a conclusion its . voting competition for a prize of a; trip Home, and now it has what it calls a " children's golden* . competition " for cash prizes s ag- ; gregating £50. The idea is th£t the. ■ kiddies of Wellington are to'lassoo new subscribers to the "Times," . and for each new subscriber thus rop- - ed in, the youngster, who must be 15 or under, is entitled to have a i shot at answering the question : " What will I do with the 20 golden sovereigns (first prize) if I win ' them ?" We can see a lively time • in store for adult Wellingtonians ] ' when these Kiddies get to work. "But < , surely things must be somewhat desperate when a big daily paper has to : resort to infra dig. methods of this J ♦ sort in order to increase its circula- 1 tion. 1

The Ptress Ass. solemnly ireporte that a Cossack girl has ridden on a Mongolian pony from Harbin, in Manchuria,.to St. Petersburg. hope the news won't fill Colonel Gi W. S. Pattersonr with aspirations to emulate the feat. But does the Ass. seriously suppose that news of such a nature is ot the slightest interest to New Zealanders ? •■ * • '•''.• •''•' : The practice of putting ,a: •■ few drops of the .'' crathur'' y ', ..into .'a cup of tea, in order to add piqu4hcy.-to the flavour, is possibly a,sinfiilone according to Wesley -' Spraggi # and Co. ; nevertheless there are quite a number of families who indulge in the disgraceful habit. The members of one such family are still chuckling convulsively over something that occurred at their house the other night. A lady, who is understood to be one of the, pillars of the local No-licensers, was paying them an evening visit, and remained for supper. One of the mere male members of • the family, when the tea was being poured out for that meal by the lady slavey in the kitchen, slipped out, and poured a whopping big nip of Whisky into the JNo-license lady's cup. Then he returned to the din-ing-room with a. look of lamblike innocence upon his countenance. * a -a In due course the tea arrived, and that, wicked male person was careful to see that Mrs 'No-license got the cup that he • had compounded for her. He had let the rest of the family into the secret, and the whole gang of conspirators were on the tip-toe of expectation. As Mrs Nolicense raised the poisoned cup to her unsuspecting lips, the members of the company held their respective breaths. The lady took down half the contents of that cup. in one gulp, and then, like the late Mr Stiggins, raised her eyes to the ceiling in ecstaoy "My word I" she said to ■fche lady of the house ; "that's really very nice tea. Who is your grocer ?" And she doesn't yet understand why the whole family choked simultaneously into their tea-cups, and were, totally incapable of answering her. At latest advices, she was still puzzling over the problem. — "' a ' <• . --. a Distinctly peculiar commencement of a paragraph in an Australian paper :—"• Probably the most successful pig breeder in Australasia, is Madame Melba's father, Mr T. Mitchell." It would, doubtless be interesting to obtain the divine and buxom Nellie's opinion with reference to the above statement.

There ought to be a unity of souls and any amount of fellow-feeling between the City Council and the Harbour Board just now, considering the big monetary claims that have recently been made against the two bodies. The little bill presented by the Shaw Savill Co. to the Harbour Board for the Kaipara mishap has been followed by J. J. Craig's small account for £148,000 for compensation which was rendered to the Cjfcy Council last week. Truly, thefe two afflicted bodies might murmur " parting is such 'sweet -< ; sorrow." But they say they have no" intention to part,, so'we shall see what we' shall see. '■ • ■ - * Verily, some people carry, sectarianism to extremes. A young lady who is collecting money locally for the building of a Sailors' Rest, which, it ; is understood, is to be under the management of the Rev. Mr* Cowie, narrates how she recently called upon a certain business man who is a Presbyterain She explained the laudable object of her mission, and was promptly informed by the business man that he wouldn't contribute- a red cent. The reasoa he gave for his refusal was that the Mission to Seamen, with which the proposed Seamen' Rest is to be connected, is run on Church of England lines. Yet, only just previously, the young lady contributor had called upon a certain Hebrew merchant, >vho willingly subscribed ] £5, without, raising any question of religion. 'Tis a pity that some . Cple don't make an' attempt to < aden their minds. i ''• .: . • ! James Patrick,O'Brien will prob- t ably think twice before he uses ] cerulean language within ' the pre- ~ cinots of a New Zealand Government 1 railway carriage —at least he.' will £ first be careful as to the identity of his fellow-passengers. James Pat- i rick, who is at present partaking of 1 His Majesty's hospitality out Mount Eden way, was suffering from a slight ' touch of the sun, or something else, when he boarded a train at Ellerslie. And when some common mortals dared to remonstrate with him for shoving into a carriage that was already full, James Patrick replied with words that are never found * m" a' respectable dictionary. Un- , fortunately for James Patrick, Neme- j sis, although he knew it not, was literally at his elbow. Inspector L Cullen happened to be travelling in . that compartment, and he promptly roped in the obstreperous James Pat- ] rick, who duly received 21 days' leisure from Mr Gotten, in which to j meditate, over the folly of inserting one's cranium between the dentures ' of a leonine quadruped.

The trenchant remarks that were made by Mr Justice Chapman, - with regard to the apparent laxity of the audit system in vogue with many firms, should be read, marked, learnt, and inwardly digested by every business man in the community. That there is frequently, a great amount of laxity shown, not only in Auckland, but in other centres,, is apparent from the comparatively large number of emDezzlemont cases that come before - the Supreme. Court. How, for instance, did George Bater succeed in misappropriating thousands of pounds before he was detected ? One of the most sensational cases of this kind occurred in 1900, when it was discovered, really by chance, that two of the Corporation officials had for some years been carrying on an elaborate system of fraud. This case was rendered all the more markable by the fact that the City Council's books were, according to law, examined every year by the Government auditor. iet in spite of that, these two officials succeeded in getting away with large sums of money undetected. jLndeed, had it not been for Mayor David Goldie's retrenchment and reform scheme, which came into operation during that year, it is within the bounds of possibility that ' the defalcations would never have been discovered* As it was, the two culprits confess ' sed, and were promptly sacked, but the cleaning-up job that Ihe local Government Audit Inspector was confronted with after their departure, was probably one of the toughest problems he ever tackled in his life. A perfect audit system, has yet to be devised ; but until it is, Arms , should certainly be more on the gui vive than they are at present. Other- - wise, they have only themselves to blame if they were plundered. . t