SHOTS FROM SHOLTO.

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 43, 10 July 1909, Page 18

SHOTS FROM SHOLTO.

PROGRESS OF THE IHPERIAL PRESS CONFERENCE.

(Specially written for the Observer, by the Only Genuine New Zealand Editor attending the Conference. All other reports — especially I Henry Brett's — are spurious imitations).

sent. Besides, he is not a literary man like me, and he has no right here at all. Rosebery made a sort of speech the other day, but I thought it very poor etuff compared with mine. lam getting all my orations arranged and classified for publication in the • New Zealand papers. You can therefore tell the people out there that there ie a treat in store for them.

WE had an excellent passage Home. At meals I sat next to the captain, and was able to give him some really valuable , hints on how to manage his vessel. ' I also entertained him with some " ' humorous stories extracted from the " Local Gossip " column of the v , "Herald" supplement. Unfortunately, next day the captain, for some reason or another, shifted his . seat to a table some distance away. His place was taken by the chief engineer — a singularly ignorant person of Scottish extraction. On my offering him some valuable hints as to the correct way to run hus engines eco- • nomically, he was rude enough to laugh in my face ; and my extreme- , ly humorous stories failed to extract even a smile from him. If I wasn*t a Scotchman myself, I would certainly incline towards the general opinion that the Scotch are lacking in a sense of humour. A few days later, after listening to a masterpiece of mine that has frequently convulsed my friend T. Gresham, the engineer was taken seriously ill, and had to be carried from the table. Since then, his seat has been vacant, it being quite evident that none of the other officers cares to pit his feeble wits against mine. A few days after leaving Melbourne, we ran into a gale. There was considerable confusion on board, one poor man — rather a comt man. sort of person — becoming so sea- . sick that he quite roused my pity. Going up to him, therefore, I pro- •■■.; ceeded to cheer him up by relating to him one of the most humorous stories ' in my extensive repertoire. I regret '■'■ to say, however, that just as I had ':.:, reached the point of the joke, the rude individual expired in great agony. The silly doctor seems dis--1." posed to blame ME for the death. . This, of oourse, is simply absurd. Turning on my heel, I approached another sick man, and was about to entertain him Iwith my sparkling wit, when he very coarsely and ungratefully told me to go to a place that I will not sully my pen hj men- - tioning. On my remonstrating with him, he hurled a heavy boot at my head with great violence, inflicting a very, painful wound on the south-west portion of my bump of intellect, which, of course, by its size offers an abnormally large target. I im- :: mediately proceeded to ascend the n bridge in order to report the outrage to the captain, and to demand that '{. the miscreant who had done this thing should be confined in irons for ; the remainder of the voyage. A common quartermaster basely aittempted to bar my ascent to the bridge, but I froze him with a look and confronted the captairi : who was simply playing the fool with a pair of opera glasses. Instead- of offering •me sympathy and imprisoning the assassin, he ordered me off the bridge > in language that qtiite paint id me. (For, as you know, I have a refined mina, and will not even listen to the stories that naughty ■ men tell at the Auckland Club). I refused to i retire until he had redressed my grievance, whereupon he summoned a rude menial to escort me down. , Being oufammbered, I informed him that I would report him to " Meroutio," and retired with my usual . dignity. On arrival in London, I tipped my cabin steward munificently, and proceeded to go ashore. The steward appeared quite affected by my liberality. And, when _ you come to -'; \ t think v of it, a whole shilling does seem ■>/ a .large tip for a six weeks* voyage.

there is some sense of gratitude left in the lower classes, and it is to be hoped that the steward, in his ignorance, will not spend the money recklessly in beer, which, they tell me, is very cheap here. I am' looking forward to a real good time in London. Of oourse you have read the magnificent speech that I delivered to the Press Conference on the subjct of the defence of the Empire. Unfortunately, before I had spoken long, the reporters present decamped. This, of course, is simply professional jealousy. Luckily, however, I had written the speech out, and instructed the Press Association people to cable it out in its entirety, I estimate that it would occupy about eight columns, and I presume it was printed in full in all the papers out there. I may mention that I received quite a number of letters from different people congratulating me on the oration. The majority of these letters were dated from Col ney Hatch, which, they tell me, is one of the most exclusive suburbs in London. Under the circumstances, I think I am safe to be included in the Birthday Honours list. Therefore, I think you might supply your employees with a limited amount of alcoholic refreshment at your own expense. Even a Knighthood would not justify me in departing from my lifelong principles. I have called to see the editor of the "Times" on several occasions. On my first call, I succeeded in obtaining an interview with him, and spent over two hours in explaining where he was wrong in his policy, and how he could improve the paper. Since then, although I have called several times, he has been out. Th ; s is a pity, because I feel sure that if I could only persuade him to model his. paper on the lines of the New Zealand " Herald," it would be a great deal more influential and successful than it is at present. By the way, there is no truth in the rumour that, on the 'Occasion of my second visit, I was chased out of the " Times " office by the junior printer's devil, armed with the editorial inkpot. I have a suspicion that this unfounded story was set in oirculation by Henry Brett, who is really quit© out of place on the Press Conference. Last Saturday night, while taking a stroll in Petticoat Lane (which, as you are perhaps aware, is one of the most aristocratic thoroughfares in London), I purchased a beUtopper for 3s 9d, which is certain to create an immense sensation, at the Auckland Club. I wore it in Rotten Row on the following morning, and quite a number of horses were so impressed by it that they bolted. \ I received a letter yesterday offering me the position of editor of one of the leading London journals. With his usual bad taste, the man Brett has been telling people that the paper m question is "Ally Sloper's Half Holiday." As a matter of fact, it is " Comic Cuts," which is a paper of quite a different class, and is read by the best people, as you can see for yourself any time you attend the theatre. The salary offered is considerably higher than. I am getting in New Zealand, and I am thinking seriously over the matter. . There is. not much, to chronicle concerning the doings of the Press Conference. The, speeches^ with the exception of mine, have been of a very pool; order. Brett hasn't opened his JMouth. He daretft, while I am' pre-