FACTS & FANTASIES

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 41, 26 June 1909, Page 14

FACTS & FANTASIES

THE Rev. Mr Spicer had for throe days enjoyed the telephone which had been his last gift from an admiring parishioner. Ho had been using it immediately boforo going to church. "When the tme came for him to announce the first hymn, he rose, and ■with his usual impressive manner read the words.. Then in a crisp, firm tone he said, " Let us all unite in hymn six double o, three, Central.*' * • • Little Florrie, being a guest of her grandmamma, had been liberally feasted, when a second dish of pudding came on. Looking at the steaming dish, she exclaimed, with a sigh, " Grandma, I wish I was twins." • • • Poor poetry is better than none — in the mind of the poet. His wife does not always agree, however. A story is told of a minister who had lyric leanings, and who indulged them from time to time. " Before I was married, he said, " I used to write what my wife called, not ' poetry,' but ' rhymes.' A year or two after my marriage I found on my desk these lines ; they served to clip my wings pretty effectively : " ' Tf all the poems I have written Were piled up in a pile, And with a candle they were htten, You could see the blaze a mile. " ' But all the gold that I have gitten For all the poems I have wrote Wouldn't hurt the feeblest kitten > If poured moulten down its throat. "Nothing was said about it, but there is no reason to doubt that my wife put them here."

"My daughter," remarked Mrs Noxdore, " has developed- a perfect passion for music." " Yes," returned Mrs Peppery, " I'll warrant it isn't as strong as your daughter's music arouses in my husband." • • • Mistress (to housemaid) : " Now, Mary, you know I am going to give a ball to-morrow night, and 1 expert you to bestir yourself and bo generally useful." Mary : "Yes, mum, but I am very eorry to say I can't dance." • * • " Dolan," said Mike, one day, " what does them letters, ' MDCUOXCVII ' mean ? " That means 1897, Mike." "Dolan," came the query, after a thoughtful pause, "don't yez think they're overdoin' this spellin' reform a bit ?" • • • " The fortune-teller said I should marry a blonde/ said a good-looking young fellow to an up-to-date girl. " Did she say how soon ?" ' Y<>r, in six months." " I can easily ho a blonde by that time, Jack," was the coy response. am* Titles of books are misleading, especially if you do not look within. The story is told of a man, the brother of scientist, who went to a book-shop to buy a present. He told the shopman that lie wanted some kind of a volume dealing with natural history, to give to his brother, a zoologist. Could ho recommend one ? The shopman glanced over tho shelves with a knowing air. At last he pulled down a book. "This would interest him," ho remarked. "It is by one of our best authors." " Let mo see it," said the, purchaser. The shopman handed it to him. On the back, in large letters, was the word " Anthology." "All about ants,' commented the shopman.

"Suppose," hissed the villain, "suppose our plot should leak out P" " That's all right," said his accomplice, consolingly. "It can't. Don't you remember telling me five minutc'6 ago that our plot had thickened." • — ■ Shocked Acquaintance : " Why, Gayman, I thought you were on the water waggon !"■ Slightly Inebriated Person : " Ole fel'r, I g gave my seat to a lady, an' got off." • % * A comedian went out with a fishing party, and began to sutler from thirst. One of the crowd took pity on the • sufferer, and fastened a bottle of beer to his fishing-line while he was on a voyage of exploration. When the actor returned he found his line heavy, and started to haul in what he thought was the biggest fish of the day. Gleeful over his changed luck, he shouted to the captain : — " Hey, Captain, this is the right place, anchor right here ; we're sailing over a brewery." • • • Young Wife : "John, how does my new hat strike you ?" " Husband : " I'm delighted with it, Arabella. It's neat, sensible and — " Young Wife: "I knew it. I told that milliner I didn't believe it would suit me, and I'm going to take it right back." • m ■ The milkman stood before her, nervously twirling his hat in his hands. " So," she said, sternly, " you have come at last." " Yes, madam. You sent for me, I believe," he replied. " I wished to tell you that I found a fish in the milk yesterday morning " "I am sorry, madam; but if the cows will drink from the swamp instead of from the trough, I cannot help it "