FACTS & FANTASIES

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 11, 28 November 1908, Page 14

FACTS & FANTASIES

FRIEND : " I suppose the baby is fond of you ?*' Papa ; " Fond of me ? Why, he sleeps all day when I'm not at home, and Btays awake all night just to enjoy my society !"

He wrote a quatrain on her brow, A sonnet on her throat, And her father put a footprint On the fag-ena of his coat.

"Charley, dear," said Yo n<? Mis Torkins, " politicans are rea. l unselfish people, aren't they r" " They don't ©njoy any refutation."

"Then they are mis iuui>r t.od. T never saw anything like the wo * one side gets up and w.irns the ether that it is making a mist ice in its candidate and its platform instead of letting it rush on to disaster ami defeat. It is positively noble. ' • • •

Mr Mildeyes (seeking a reconciliation) : "You're prettier, now, Emma, than you used to be." xvlrs Mildeyes (still angry) : " That's right — tell me to my face that I used to be homely."

Miss Antique : " You ought fco get married, Mr Oldchapp." Mr Oldchapp (earnestly) : "I have -wished many times lately that I had a wife."

Miss Antique (delighted) : " Have you, really P" Mr Oldchapp : "Yes. If I had a wife, she'd probably have a sewing machine, and the sewing machine would have an oil can, and I could take it and oil my office chair. It squeaks horribly.'

A preferred creditor is .one who never aeka for his money.

Tom : " So you did not propose to that dear girl last night, as you intended to. Ah, my friend. lam afraid you were not fired by the divine spark of love." Dick : "I was fired by her father. '

Mistress : " Get dinner to-day on the gasoline stove, Bridget." Bridget : " Plaze, mum, I did thry but the stove wint out."

Mistress : "Try again, then." Bridget : " Vis, mum, but it's not come back yit. It wint out tr ough th' roof."

Housewife (showing sample of milk to local dairy-keeper) : "Look here ! I bought this milk of you — it's half water, and the rest is chalk, and you sold it as ' pure country milk:'" The Milk Maker (with dignity : " Madame, to the pure all things are pure."

"If you intend to dine on us," queried the captured mariner," why did you greet us with a fusilade ?" " Because we always pepper oiir food before eating it," grinned tho cannibal.

• " Who is the hero of this piece r" asked the man who was coming ;>;<- of the theatre. The manager thoughtfully replied : "The man who is putting up the money."

Porter Ashe, a lawyer of San Francisco, had a client who wanted a divorce from his spouse. By way of cause, he complained that his wife made a practice of throwing things at his dog. "You can't get a divorce on that," explained Ashe. "The worst of it is," ooinj.-ir.'ued the husband, " every time she throws at the dog she hits me."

Farmer : " Yes, I want a man. Can you milk ?" Applicant : " Vis, sor." " "Which side of a cow do you sit on when milking ?" " Wull, sor, Oi niver milked but wan cow, an' she waz a kicker sor ; an', bedad, a good dale ay thetoime Oi was on both sides ay her, sor."

" I have sent for you," said the man of the house, " because these pipes need looking after. There's a leak somewhere, and a big lot of gas is going to waste."

"M — no," replied the gas company's employee, meditatively, " Mebby there's a leak, but there ain't any gas goin' to waste. You'll find it all in the bill."

Admirer : " Where did you get all this wonderful strength ?" Famous Strong Man : "I was carver in a boarding-house for three years."

He : " Ami ever to have my way about anything ?" She : "Of course ; you can have your way when your way is the same as my way, but when our ways are different, the>n I'll have my way."

■ a Coroner : " What was the cause of Diamond Jo's death ?" Broncho Pete : " Heart disease." Coroner : "Are you sure of that ?" Broncho Pete : " Sartin. The heart was the aco and he had it up his sleeve."

She (arrayed for the theatre) : " Sorry to have kept you waiting so long, Mr Spoonamore, but it has taken me longer than usual to get ready. I look like a fright in this hat, too." He (vaguely desirous of saying something complimentary) : "It isn't the — cr — fault of the lovely hat, I am sure., Miss Hankinson."