THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVIII, Issue 28, 28 March 1908, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

HERE is something for the Prohibition party to ponder over. Ac-

cording to a local chemist, the demand for methylated spirits that exists on Sundays is enormous. As a rule, if the purchaser is asked what he wants the spirits for, he assumes a child-like and bland expression and replies that he wants it for French polishing purposes. The chemist from whom the information comes has on more than one occasion refused to serve a customer with spirits, for the simple reason that he was certain that the liquid was to be used as a substitute for whisky. If the demand for methy lated spirits is so great under the present circumstances, what would it be like if the hotels were permanently closed down ?

6? No wonder the London Times has been tottering. The old Thunderer had good reason to totter. In a recent issue of tbat mighty organ known as the Hutt and Petone Chronicle, a yard or t^o of priceless space was devoted to a leading article roundly denouncing the Times for refusing to support the suffragette movement. Naturally, when the Hutt and Petone Chronicle duly came to hand in the Times office, there was horror and dismay, and the mighty Thunderer, recognising that the end had come, went down with a thud of the usual, dull sickening variety. Our provincial editors ought to be careful. It is only a year or two ago that the Nelson Chronicle warned the Czar of Russia to mend his ways, or it would be after him with a tomahawk or something. The power of the Press !

An embarrassing request was made to the Hon. George Fowlds in a native district the other day. v The Maoris of the kainga impressed upon him their attachment to the teacher of their school, and asked that the said teacher should be allowed to remain with them " for ever, and ever, and ever." The teacher happened to be a bright young lady, and on hearing the request she blushed to the eyebrows. George Fowlds is as cute as anybody at scenting a probable romance. He had to admit that in such matters a Minister of the Crown is not omnipotent.

A gentleman well known in trotting circles is the owner of a collie dog in which the whole hopes of his life are centred. Unfortunately, the dog, being an unappreciative animal, has twice got itself lost, and twice has its long-suf-fering master paid heavy rewards for its recovery. The dog, unabashed by its former^ peccadilloes, recently lost itself again. Its master, having by this time got somewhat tired of cashing up rewards to the finders of the faithless hound, hit upon a brilliant idea of getting a friend to advertise the loss^ of the elusive quadruped. The friend did so, using his own name and address, and intimating that a reward wotikl be given to the finder of the dog. * * *

Now, it came to pass that a resident of Waikumete found that dog, and conveyed him to the address mentioned in the advertisement. " That's not my dog," said the dog-owner's friend, "but I tell yon what. So-and-So has lost a dog like that, and this looks like the identical animal. It might be worth your while to take him up and see." The Waikumetricinn. having an eye to the reward, duly took hi'a find to So-and-So, who was pleased to see his lost quadruped, and said so. after which the Waikumetriciau. who had lost a day's pay in brinein^ that dog into town, delicately hinted that he would he pleased to receive the reward. "Reward !" exclaimed the dog's owner. "T didn't advertise for the dog." And that Waikumetrician, on thinking the matter over, was forced to confess thatjie had been badly had. ISTow he gives stray dogs a wide and comprehensive berth.

With a yarn that is ancient almost to mouldiness, Frank Whittaker got home one of his little pleasantries the other day. In one of the dull hours that bave been the rule on 'Change lately, he found himself discoursing to a party that included one or two lawyers, upon the archaic laws that remain unrepealed on the British statute book. Several absurdities had been cited by the learned folk, and marvelled over, when Frank broke in, to air his own familiarity with the subject. " Another good instance of the same sort of thing," he declared, "is the fact that in England you can't hang a man with a wooden leg." His audience were incredulous. The thing was too absurd. But Frank undertook to prove his statement. One lawyer, bolder than the rest, offered to chance the Gaming and Lotteries Act and wager liquid refreshments or cigars for the party that the assertive broker was mistaken.

The situation became i interesting, and a knot of unemployed speculators gathered round. Though the bar were unanimously agairist him, Frank stood his ground. " But what's the use of talking ?" said one of the lawyers impatiently, after the wager had been made ; "let's have your proofs." Francis dodged back towards his own glass-fronted office to get them, but stopped short in the doorway. " Well," he shouted back to the expectant knot, "there's no need to go further. Which of you ever heard of any man that was hanged with a wooden leg ? Seems to me that it would be a mighty indifferent substitute for a rope." Whereupon the lawyers suddenly remembered that they had urgent engagements at the Supreme Court, and the idle brokers developed a remarkable interest in the nearest list of quotations.

There are times when a man is apt to regret that he has not cultivated the acquaintance of the constable who does duty in his neighbourhood. One ■uch moment occurred last week to a business man who lives in a suburb of Auckland. For several months this gentleman has been on a trip to England. During his absence his wife moved into a new street. An evening or two after his return, Mrs Blank stepped out to see a friend, and left him alone in the house. While she was away, some officious person reported to the local policeman that there was a strange man careering around Mrs Blank's house, and that the said person's movements were suapicious. Then came developments. * * « Just as the gentleman was settling himself down to tho enjoyment of a cigar and the evening paper, a footstep sounded in the hall, the door of the dining-room was pushed open, and in stalked the representative of the iyxiX*&yXy:»&yx&'CX?.^(o::txi*M-y±£:^

law. " Now, me man," said the constable, " I'd like to know what right ye have here." "Right?" answered the amazed householder, " Haven't I every right to be in my own house ?" "But this is Mrs Blank's house," rejoined the policeman. "Well," said the householder, unabashed "and I'm Mr Blank." " You don't get over me so easily as that, now," replied the constable. " Everybody knows that Mr Blank is away in England. Come on, now, out with you, and come with me to the police station."

By this time, Blank's indignation began to give way to a feeling that the. situation was somewhat awkward. He was in a locality where nobody knew him, and until his wife returned he could not establish his identity. Luckily, his eye lighted upon a photograph on the mantelpiece wherein he and his wife were taken together. Smothering his pride, he submitted this to the policeman as at least prima facie proof that he was not a trespasser. Robert was mollified to the extent that he condescended to accept it as tentative evidence. All the same, he stood guard over the house till the lady came home and confirmed her husband's account of himself. Then Robert apologised for his mistake, and withdrew himself in good order.

The furiously-driven trains on the Helensville trains must tremble for their reputation. They have a rival in the Wairarapa. At any rate, a story is being told of the powerful engine that plies on the branch line from Greytown to Woodside which even they will find it hard to equal. The other day the stoker on this train, which is derisively called the " Flying Scotchman," had his cap carried away by a playful zephyr. The local journal records that he simply jumped off the engine, recovered his lost property, sprinted after the " express," and got on board again after a fifty yards sprint. Verily, we have some wonderful locomotives on the Dominion lines.

The Prohibition League of Christchurch is indignant because Police Commissioner Dinnie gave it as his opinion that Inspector Mitchell's statement concerning the success of Prohibition in Invercargill was injudicious on the part of a Government servant. Yet the Rev. F. W. Isitt, one of the heads of the Prohibition party, recently worked himself into a fit of fiery indignation because he had heard that Signor Bragato, another Government servant, had been speaking against Prohibition. From which it would appear that in the opinion of the Prohibition party, a Government 'servant has the right to say as much as he likes in favour of Prohibition, but not to say a word against it. Prohibition logic appears y to be fearfully and wonderfully made

In a district not far north of Auckland the story is told of a stratagem by which the local Jaipee prevented a prize fight. Two noted sluggers came together in one of the gumdiggers' camps, and fell to boasting about their prowess with their fists. From bragging they got on to serious business, and a stake was put up, for which the two men engaged to tight to a finish upon the ocean beach on a particular Sunday morning. The lame of the fixture spread far around, and on the Saturday night every gumdigger and bushman within walking distance trekked into the little township close to the beach, bent on seeing the glorious event. Not until the eleventh hour did the Jaipee hear of the arrangement. There was no policeman within miles, and if there had been, what would his authority be, against so many tough customers ?

Still, for the honour of the district, the peace must be preserved by some means, and the little Justice set his wits to work. .Expostulation with the pugilists and their chief backers proved fruitless. They declared that they had made the match, and meant to see it through. Accordingly, the Jaipee steadied himself for one last effort. On the Sunday morning he presented himself amongst the crowd on the beach and launched his bolt. " Look here, boys," he proposed blandly to the assemblage, "since you're determined to go on, I want twenty of you to be sworn in as special constables, to see fair play," The " boys" were taken with the idea, and a score of the ringleaders stepped forward and took the oath which the magistrate dictated.

Then the Jaipee solemnly read over from a volume that looked like a book of statutes a portentous list of the duties and responsibilities of special constables, and the penalties they would incur if such duties were neglected. Whether they were law or not, the pains and penalties were formidable, and special stress was laid upon tbe awfulness of permitting prize-faghting. The" boys" saw that they were outwitted. For every man of them there was a prospect of Mount Eden if he allowed that fighi to take place. With muttered maledictions upon the head of the Jaipee, the twenty formed themselves into a committee to save their own skins. The slugging match was post.

poned indefinitely. If it ever came off, it must have been in the privacy of some out-of-the-way camp, for the public never heard of it.

Can anyone recollect a period when Auckland was captured and burned by hostile Maoris ? iSuch an event is discovered by a Sydney journal, which adds, by way of interesting detail, that Bishop Pompallier's mission station was the only portion of the town that was spared. Curious, though, that if anything of the kind happened the early inhabitants were successful in hushing up the disaster. However, the mission station incident gives a clue. Evidently, there is confusion with the early raid on Kororareka. But Kororareka, though it was tbe principal settlement on our coasts at the^time, was not Auckland.

The wit of the average Irishman is proverbial, and a certain Roman Catholic ecclesiastic up Paeroa way could, if he chose, tell a good yarn concerning the manner in which he was scored oft by one of his own humorous parishioners. One Friday, the priest entered a local hotel in quest of dinner, and discovered the parishioner in question indulging in a hearty meal of sausages. " Pat !" said the horrified priest, "don't you know it's Friday?" " Thrue for you, Your Riverence," replied Pat ; "but sausages aren't mate." The cleric, however, was not to be bluffed, and finally ordered the backsliding member of his liock to do penance by bringing a load of wood up to the presbytery that very night.

After the shades of night had fallen, Pat was duly announced at the presbytery door, and the priest went down to inspect the load. "Did you bring the wood, Pat ?" he asked. "I did that, Your liiverence," replied Pat. " 'Tis in the back yard." The priest took a light, and went out to verify matters. In the back yard, he found nothing but half-a-dozen sacks of sawdust. " Pat ! Pat !" said the priest, reproachfully. "It was wood, not sawdust, that I told you to bring." "Well, Your Riverence," replied Pat, with a wicked grin, "if sausages are mate, by the same token sawdust is wood, so Your Riverence can't say I didn't do my penance, a 9 Your Riverence ordered." " His Riverence " called the account square.

Bishop Neligan sternly refuses to be interviewed in London, on the plea that his utterances might be misunderstood in New Zealand. Tempora mutantur. At one time, His Lordship didn't care the proverbial pair of straws whether his utterances were misunderstood or not. Apparently, however, his brief term of residence in New Zealand has taught him many things. The Moore Richard that is is not the Moore Richard that was.

One Kennedy, an American socialist, declares that the tendency of New Zealand's industrial legislation has been to rob our workers of much of that sturdy assertiveness that marks the American and even the Australian trade unionist. Considering that the New Zealand unionist asserts his right to the last penny that he can extract out of the takings of his employer, and that the industrial laws give it to him, it is hard to understand what Kennedy is driving at. Apparently, he considers that assertiveness can only be shown by throwing down tools and talking strike. The New Zealand unionist is assertive, right enough, and often asserts in the Arbitration Court more than he can prove. What more would Kennedy have ?

George Aldridge gave a lecture on Wednesday night on the pleasing subject of "Hell, Its History, Geography and Use." Sad to think that any man should admit such an intimate knowledge of a region that is not generally mentioned in polite society. Where did George Aldridge get his knowledge ?

The enumeration by the Herald of the principal guests at the Mayor's garden party suggests that a number of local notabilities were having " a day out." The report states that certain consuls and members of Parliament and professors were present, and also " most of the suburban mayors, and the chairmen of the various road boards, with their wives." Where, then, were the wives of the consuls, M.P.'s etc. ? There is a classic story about a gentleman who was asked whether he was out to enjoy himself, or whether he had his wife with him. Can it be that the notabilities in question were at the Mayor's fete to enjoy themselves ?

William Rattray has hastened into print to correct Sir Robert Stout's statement as to the name of the Auckland lady who won the distinction of being the first pettiooated B. A. in the British dominions. Sir Robert said that the lady in question was Mrs Evans. Mr Rattray states, as though it were a contradiction, that she was Miss Edger, daughter of the late Rev. Samuel Edger. As a matter of fact both statements are correct. The only difference is that Mr Rattray gives her maiden name, and Sir Robert gave the name by which she is known to-day. Miss Eager, who was at the time principal of the girls' high school in Nelson, became the wife of the Rev. W. A. Evans, a well known Congregational

minister in the south. She and her husband are now resident in Wellington, where they are recognised as leaders of thought and culture.

Queer Ways

Old Mrs Way had two fine sons —

Dame Nature's gracious dower. " Rail " was the champion of long runs, And " Tram " of staying power.

" With Home Railways," remarked Hall-Jones, " We nobly can compare. There Government incurs no loans, And here it pays no fare."

Our Tramways, so complete, stand first — Too often stand and wait. Speed would the poor old boilers burst, So homeward we Walklate.

The mother gazed upon each son In pride and ecstasy, Whilst travellers vowed they took the bun, Likewise the L. S. D.

The crew of the Rarawa are not strong upon the superstitious notion that ill-luck attaches to a voyage on which there are parsons amongst the passengers, but they don't want to tempt Providence again with a bevy of W.C.T.U. delegates. On one of last week's trips from Onehunga, half the passenger list was taken up with the petticoated palaverers, and cold water was not at all kind to its devotees. All through the night the steamer pitched into heavy seas raised by a southerly gale. The consequence was that after one of the roughest trips on record she arrived at New Plymouth five hours too late for the express train — a rare occurence for the Rarawa, and one over which Captain Norbury squirms. What their fellow-passen-gers had to say about the modern Jonahs can be very well filled up by the imagination.

An Auckland professional man, now doing a holiday tour in Australia, took away with him a letter of credit for a large amount. On the eve of his departure his cautious partner pressed upon his acceptance his own morocco leather wallet. " Much safer way," he remarked, " of carrying your papers than having them loose in your pocket." Into the wallet went the letter of credit, the traveller's return ticket, and sundry odds and ends. On his arrival in Sydney, the tourist found himself minus wallet, papers, and all. Being a stranger in a far country, he was at first shocked. However, by stopping payment of the letter of credit, and putting the shipping company on guard against the fraudulent use of his ticket, he made himself fairly safe. After all, it is the methodical partner who is the principal sufferer, tor he loses the wallet. He is pondering now as to the wisdom of putting all one's eggs into a single basket.