NEW ZEALAND RAILWAYS.

Observer, Volume XXVIII, Issue 27, 21 March 1908, Page 18

NEW ZEALAND RAILWAYS.

AMENDED REGULATIONS.

' (In view of the fact that, according to Sir Joseph Ward, the railway system is one of the most up-to-date, in the world, it has been decided to bring the regulations up-to-date, too. We beg to submit the following code for the earnest consideration of the Minister for Railways. The proposed regulations, submitted here with, havje been drawn up with the assistance of several v«ry profane tourists, who^e courtesy we desire to acknowledge).

PASSENGERS who are journ r - ing more than five miles are required to bring their bedding with them. The Department will provide a limited number of bunks at a ratio of one bunk for every seventeen passengers. In the event of a passenger being unable to tight his way into a bunk, he may take his choice between hitching Jiiaiself on to the luggage rack and dossing on the noor ot the carriage. Should he decide to adopt the latter alternative, he is requested not to squirm or use any unseemly language when trodden upon. Water and towels will be provided gratis by the Department, one towel tteing alloyed tor every eighty-tour passengers. A. Government hair-brush, whicn by reason of its long and faithful service may be looked upon as thoroughly reliable, will be provided for the general use of the passengers. The cnarge for the use of same has been fixed at the extreinoly low figure of one shilling per application. A concession will be made to bald-head-ed passengers on written application, acompanied by a photograph of the applicant, being sent to the Minister of Railways a clear three months before the use of the brush is required. 11. Passengers who are going for -a longer journey than twenty miles are requested to bring thenown coffins with them and to set their affairs in order before starting. 111. Passengers are not permitted to make wagers on the question oi whether the train is actually moving or not. The difficulty ot solving this question is so great that any attempt to do so is clearly a game of chance and an infringement of the Gaming Act. IV. It is permissible, and . even preferable, for passengers to get out and shove whenever they feel inclined to do so. Passengers are warned, however, against the growing habit of sitting down to rest on the railway lines just in front of the engine. New Zealand engines have been known to move on at least one occasion. In the event of any passenger walking too fast aid then losing sight of the train, the Department reserves to itself tne right to refuse that person admission to the train should it happen to overtake him. ltespect for the railway system must be enforced. V. Carriages will be reserved for passengers on at least twelve months' clear notice being given to the Department that sucn carriages are required. The Department accepts no responsibility in this matter Bridal, picnicj MasoiiiCj and other parties may secure reserved coal and cattle trucks for transit purposes at startling rates. VI. The refreshments provided to passengers on the New Zealand railways are expected to. be eaten without comment on the part of the passengers. The Minister for Railways takes this opportunity of stating that the butter provided by the Department is not identical with the grease used on the axles, nor was it obtained by Noah in the course of hi? salvage operations on the ark. The following is the tariff (liable to alteration without notice, at the discretion of the waiters) :— ; Ham Sandwich (ordinary) lin. by lin.>, 6d each. Do. (extra strong), Is each. Do. (the real old genuine railway ham sandwich — double-dyed, and - guaranteed durable)) Is 6d each. Cheese ("Walk-Easy." lirand), 4d per square inch. Do. ( ' 'Ruaner-Up ' ' Irand) 8d per square inch. Do. ("Seats of the Eitey, " brand), Is 4d per square inch,

Eggs (" Mystery " brand), 2s each. Do. ('94 crop), Is each. Do. (Election), thrown away for 6d each. . I A three course dinner will be provided for 10s per head. When the passenger decides to order steak, : chops, or fowl, blasting powder, dynamite, crdwbars and other instruments of destruction are provided free by the Department. Passengers who order cheese will be required to eat it on the buffer of the guard's van. Tea, coffee and cocoa will be provided at Is per cup as soon as the attendants have finished washing up the dishes. In order to encourage the travelling public to patronise tne refreshment carriages as much as possible, the Minister for Railways offers a prize of a free trip on a cattle truck through the Newmarket tunnel to any passenger who can show which is the tea, which the coffee, and which the cocoa. VII. Passengers will be good enough not to offer the waiters in the refreshment carriages a less tip than half-a-crown. Even a waiter has his feelings. VIII. The Department will undertake to see that the carriages are partially cleaned once every three years. If the passengers consider that any further cleaning is necessary, they are cordially invited to do the job themselves. Scrubbing brushes will be supplied for the purpose by the guard at the purely nominal price ot 8s 6d each. Any passenger who does not do his share of the cleaning to the satisfaction of the guard will forfeit his ticket and be summarily expelled from the carriage on to the nearest convenient heap of ballast. IX. In order that due economy may be observed in the working of the Department, passengers are notified that the lamps in the carriages will not be lit until two hours after dark. Passengers who desire to read may strike matches at decent intervals. A supply of Government matches may be obtained on application to the Hon. J. A. Millar. These matches are manufactured at Blackball, and are guaranteed not to strike on any account, K. On arrival at their destination, passengers may obtain their luggage by making written application (.on an official form) to the Deputy Chief Assistant Third Por"ter, who will forward the application on to the Second Assistant Temporary Second-class Carriage Sweeper, who will forward it to the Lord High Trolly Shover, who will deal with it in the course of a year or two if it should suit him to do so. Passengers who cannot get their luggage are warned to go away and stop , bothering the Department. XL Under no conditions will the official time-table be adhered to, and i any passenger who may expect this ; to be done is guilty of a misde- . rneanour within the meaning of the > Act. Any complaints .regarding , the irregular running of trains i should be made personally by the i complaining pasenger to the engine - driver concerned. All. engine clriv-. - ers-haye been put through a course of ju-juitsu training, and are therer fore thoroughly competent to deal ; , with pasengers who choose to complain. ! XII. Any complaints concerning 1 the railway service must be addressed to the Minister tor Railways, Wel--1 lington. Any person forwarding a complaint must enclose with it his r certificate of birth, his marriage license (if any}, his 4°g license (if ; any), together with particulars as to his age> occupation, and respecta-

bilit- (if any). This latter rhust be vouched for by at least two respectable J.P.s (if procurable). No complaints will be attended to on any pretence whatever, but in order to afford entertainment and occupation to the travelling public, the Minister for Railways has no objection to receiving such complaints.