THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVIII, Issue 27, 21 March 1908, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

IT is highly probable that the Harbour Board will ultimately solve the difficulty concerning the inadequacy of tho Calliope Dock by building another and larger receptacle for ships that require overhauling. This may not happen for some considerable time, but there is little doubt that it will be the ultimate sult of the present state of affairs. Wellington is building a new dock, and if Auckland is to maintain her vaunted supremacy, it will be necessary for her to go one better. _ The only pity is that when the original graving dock by the Hobson-street wharf was first projected the members of the Board, as then constituted, were not farseeing enough to perceive that a small dock of that kind would in a very short time prove wholly inadequate for the renuirements' f the shipping. _ With three dry docks, Auckland will certainly be in a unique position, though whether the investment will be a profitable one is a different matter.

The f.C.T.U. are on the track of the Hon. George Fowlds. and it is probable that the Hon. George will require to call all his diplomacy to his aid in order to appease, the wrath of the temperance ladies. It isn't the Te Oranrra Home business this time. The W. C.T.IT, want to know what the Hon. George means by failing to introduce temperance reading into the "School Journal." The unfortunate Minister may find this question rather difficult to answer, in view of the fact that, some time ago. he promised a deputation of Prohibitionists that _ temperance instruction would be introduced into the journal. Besides, when the W.C.T.U. take up a question, they take it up with a will, as Magistrate Kettle knows io his cost. It was these ladies who were the originators of the famous indecent post card prosecutions. Verily, the Hon. George Fowlds has good cause to tremble, and it is to be hoped that he is trembling accordingly.

Not only are our great men quickly forgotten, after they have passed away, but occasionally some trouble appears to be taken to obliterate all mention of them from existing records. The palatial new bath-house at Rotorua furnishes a case in point. This work, if we remember aright, was started when the Right Hon. R. J. Seddon was still Premier, but on the foundation stone is carved in ostentatious capitals this information : " Prime Minister, Sir Joseph Ward ; Minister for Public Works, Hon. W. Hall-Jones : General Manager, T. E. Donne." Alas, poor Dick ! He doesn't count, now that he is dead. But why the eternal advertisement, deeply engraven in stone, for T. E. Donne, General Manager ?

Certain persons at New Plymouth have lately sworn off coffee essence for ever. The reason for their vow of abstinence is that one day last week they had foregathered at the house of a mutual friend in order in indulge in a musical evening. Simper was served in due course, and among the refreshments _ provided was some temnting-lookinf coffee. Certain guests partook of that coffee, hut. immediateiv after talcing the first sip. their faces assumed an expression that cprtainlv denoted anvthinfr hut rMight. Too noiite to romnlain. they would prohahiv Tmv* 3 finished that decoction even it Villed them, had not the hostess suddenly rushed into the room with the startling information that she had mad" that "coffee" nut of the hahv's eongh mivtnre. which had heen nnt into a hottle. The gup*? 1 ?; heaved a si<rh of relief. They had thought, it was worse.

The cable individual is weak in composition occasionally, with ludicrous results. Here is an extract from a Melbourne cable giving an account of the Methodist Conference's idea on the declining birth-rate ouestion : — " One sneaker declared that women conld be seen about the streets nursing black-faced donrs pufl fierce-eyed cats, who would be ashamed to be seen nursing a baby." This seems to be a cruel libel on the poor dumb cats and docs of Melbourne. How does this sneaker know that these black-faced does anri cats, fierce-eyed or otherwise, would be ashamed to be seen nursing a baby ? The worst of it is that t'r» four-footed victims are not in a position to reply to their detractors.

There is trouble at St. David's Presbyterian Church, and Treasurer Lam* bert is on the warpath. According to Mr Lambert, St. David's can boast of being the " leading Presbyterian congregation in .Auckland." Nevertheless, there is trouble, serious trouble, and last Sunday morning the worthy treasurer unbosomed himself, so to speak. At present it appears that the expenditure is exceeding the income, with the result that the church finance is going to the bad at the rate of about 25s per week, which amounts, as Mr Lambert very ascurately remarked, to about £65 per annum. How is this deficit to be met? That is the problem which burdens Mr Lambert's soul. It appears that the managers of the church are bound, at present, by a terrible oath, an awful vow, a solemn obligation, or something of that aort, not to resort to bazaars, fairs, concerts or other forms of church vanity, in order to raise funds. This pious resolve is undoubtedly creditable to the sincerity of the Khyber Pass Presbyterians, but its discretion from a financial standpoint might be very seriously questioned. * * •

One rather melancholy phase of the trouble arises from the occurrence of occasional web Sundays. Then, it appears, the collections fall off to about half the usual amount. But what becomes of the money that should have been contributed ? Do the absentees, on the following Sunday, bring with them the amount they would have contributed on the previous Sunday bad they been present ? Alas, no ! From which it is to be inferred that there is still a leaven of unregenerate human nature, even in " the leading Presbyterian congregation in Auckland ! " The wet Sunday deficency becomes permanent, and thus reduces the average of the collections.

Mr Lamberts scheme for meeting the difficulty was simple, and it was also satisfactory as far as it went, but it did not go far. He suggested that persons in the habit of contributing threepence should donate sixpence, and those accustomed to contributing sixpence should give a shilling. If Mr Lambert had added the words, " and so on, "one would have understood that what he was asking was that each person should double his contribution. Why let the shilling, the florin, the half-crown, or the half sovereign escape ? As a rule, a person who can give half a sovereign can afford to double his subscription far better than he who contributes threepence or sixpence can double his. But, stay ! la it possible that the highest amount ever contributed by a single individual at St. David's is only sixpence ! If so, it is easy to understand Mr Lambert's lugubrious pessimism as he lamented over the fact that the church was " literally groaning for want of a coat of paint ! " And St. David's is the leading Presbyterian congregation in. Auckland J

It is stated in a southern paper, presumably on reliable authority, that a travelling theatrical show recently played at Ohakune in the morgue. History does not relate whether the coroner took a star part or not. So far, the Auckland morgue has not yet been used for entertainment — at least, any entertainment that has come from it has been of the unintentional variety. It is doubtful, indeed, whether T. Greshara, patron of the drama though he is, would permit any person to use his very own morgue for theatrical performances. * .' * *

The members "of the Deepsinkers' Fishing Club are evidently strenuous individuals, who scorn the effeminate methods of the common or garden fisherman. Anyway, the account of one of their recent excursions, as published in the Herald, makes quite romantic reading. Listen to this : — " Fishing with the Deepsinkers is no mere summer pastime in smooth water, angling for small fish in complete personal comfort. It is not the gentle art as old Izaak Walton understood it, but a strenuous and exciting sport, requiring from its devotees skill, endurance, and a capaoity for roughing it." It is to be hoped that the effete Taniwhackers will treat these hardy sea dogs with respect.

Ye gentlemen of Auckland, Who live at home in ease, Oh, think of the Deepsinkera In peril on the seas. Where the fierce hapnkas wander, And the cruel crayfish roam, Deepsinkers bold, like the vikings old, Are far from friends and home. * * *

The language of contempt with regard to a petty community doesn't often get farther than to describe it as a "one-horse sort of place." Wellington's new paper, the Dominion, has found a way to refine the belittling phrase a little farther. It tells its readers of something that happened the other day at " forsewood." Which is decidedly neat, to say the least of it.

The versatility of our local M.P.'s should certainly fill the futile legislators of the South with admiration and awe. Last Monday night, for instance, both P. E. Baume and 0. H. Poole contributed recitations at a concert in aid of the Sacred Heart Church. Indeed, if the Opera House management are ever hard up for talent, they could get together a pretty strong vaudeville team from the ranks of our M.P.'s. Messrs Lawry, Baume and Poole are all reciters, the first gentleman being also a gifted raconteur, while Alfred Kidd could appear in an exhibition of dexterity with the stockwhip. W. F. MasseV's troupe of trained ostriches would give -their famous swallowing act, and John Bollard could probably be prevailed upon to contribute a stump speech. Truly, a comprehensive programme,

Somebody at the Harbour Board made the assertion the other day that the proposed Takapuna tramway service was to be a steam one, and ventured a little superfluous wit at the expense of the "puffing billy." But, like some of the other biassed statements made in the same connection, this one was incorrect. The rails are to be laid for the purposes of an electric service. But acting on Brat- class electrical engineering advice, the company will probably use locomotives for the first year or two, for the reason that an infrequent service with electrical power would not pay. When the increase of population sufficiently warrants the cost of power house maintenance, the whole line will be electrified. The individual who made the assertion knew all this. But it suited the policy of those who are anxious to kill the proposed Takapuna tramways to allege that electric traction had been abandoned. Therefore, the statement was shamelessly made, without any qualifying explanation.

An unfortunate Maori infant who was recently born down Wellington way has been endowed with the simple and pleasing Christian names of Te Kahureremoa Hinehonkiterangi. It ia stated, on good authority, that- the parson who performed the christening ceremony is now learning the dumb alphabet. His tongue is tied in the biggest knot that was ever knotted.

Cambridge is threatened with the loss of one of its most piquant sources of entertainment. Lately, James Hally and Mayor Buckland have been enlivening the columns of the local paper with criticisms, replies, rejoinders, and addendums anent the finances of the borough. They have even taken to calling each other names,. Mr Buckland, for instance, says that his critic reminds him of a Thames man who took such a gloomy view of things that he earned the name of " Dismal Jones." To this Mr Hally retaliates that Mr Buckland resembles a person with whom he once worked on a farm near Auokland, who was nicknamed " Bullocky," because when an idea entered his head he went for it " like a bull at a gate" — no reasoning would stop him. Having got thus far in picturesque expression, Mr Hally has decided that it is time to pull up, as one of the parties to the controversy —he doesn't say which — has lost his temper. He will therefore take no further part in the correspondence. Which on the whole seems a pity. The duel was just beginning to be really interesting.

Now that the Waimangu geyser is a thing of the past, some of the residents of Rotorua are pining for excitement. There is a story current up there, which may or may not be truej that Dr Wohlmann is making a plunge in local journalism. If he is, the probability is that he will get all the excitement that he wants. When trouble gets merrily going in a newspaper office, the common type of geyser is a fool compared with it.

The discovery by the local Fire Board that one at least of its. employees was in the habit of working at his trade in a fire station, when also in receipt of wages from the Board, has led to the issue of instructions that nothing of the kind is to be allowed in future. The closing of the station at Queen-street wharf is final, the arrangement between the Harbour Board and City Council under which it was maintained having come to an end. Its late custodian has been found employment at another city station.

An important church appointment was recently ottered to a clergyman in the country, but everybody was in doubt whether he would accept or decline it. In the midst of the general uncertainty, one man announced positively that the reverend gentleman would take the office. The gnoatic was not in the church council, either ; he was simply a newspaper writer. The source of his knowledge was unusual ; he knew only that the clergyman had been asked to send his photograph to a weekly illustrated newspaper — and had done so.

Hints of this kind do not come to newspaper writers only. Once before, in the same denomination, a pulpit in a certain city bad been offered to a preacher in the other island. •'He won't come," said the knowing ones. "He will come," another maintained stoutly. "We don't think so." "But I know positively," said the dissenter. How did he know? "Because" (and the reply was convincing) "he has bought the manse carpets as they lie on the floor." It was a sharp-eyed journalist, by the way, who telegraphed to London the news of Parnell's marriage to Mrs. O'Shea on the strength of having noticed the Irish leader enter a jeweller's shop at a seaside place. The reporter casually strolled in afterwards, and learned that the last customer had purchased a wedding ring.

On her way home from school tho other afternoon, a dignified schoolmistress tripped into a provision emporium in Jvarangahape lioad, and asked to be allowed to look at some cheese. " Ah," said the polite salesman, "we have some lovely cheese here — just what you want, 1 believe." The lady troze him with her best pedagogic frown. " ¥ou shouldn't say 'lovely' cheese," sne corrected. " But wait till you see it," suggested the shopman, " and then 1 think you'll agree. ' " Ah," continued the teacher, •' but it is the word that 1 object to.

% juovely ' should generally be applied only to something that is alive." The salesman smiled. "Well," i.v wound m\ " it all depends on one's taste. I'll still stick to 'lovely,' anyhow." And the cheese quite bore out the lady's definition.

Some afflicted individual named Keep advertised in last Saturday's "Star" that he had lost an umbrella on Howick Beach, and added the information that his name was engraved on the handle. This bereft person may bid a long farewell to his faithful "gamp." Public morality in connection with umbrellas is notoriously low, and if a person finds an umbrella reposing on a public beach with the word " Keep " on it, he, or she, will naturally obey orders and keep it.

Auckland is pathetically cranky, and, according to the Wellington " Free Lance," supplies the whole of I\ew Zealand with specimens of *he long-haired person who mourns over h's lost ber-rother. The Auckland police are, perhaps as cranky as the rest, and lately thjy have been indulging in statistics about women who drink in hotels. The Auckland police found 55 women drinking in seven hotels. This is, of course, hair raising, and all that sort of thing. 13ut why should the police and little, sad-eyed societies tie themselves into knots about these women who do what thousands of men do every day in Auckland without any bradawl-eyed police sergeants worrying in the least ?

The opinion of the "Lance" is that it is a special form of meanness on the part of the police. It lias always Been a disgrace to the wearers of the trousers that they have the vast majority of sinners. If a Minister of the Crown goes boldly into a bar, and drinks nineteen shandies, nobody gets worried, but xf the much-harder-worked washerwoman takes her tot of gin in a public bar instead of sixteen tots in her private kitchen, silly old police cergeants (who have a bottle in the cupboard, bedad I) get perfectly frantic. Evidently the "Lance" doesn't know the Auckland police sergeants, or it . wouldn't speak of them as old fellows. ~ The Auckland sergeants are neither old nor, generally speaking, silly.

- Stated in one of the dailies that the Rev. Dr Horton told the Students' Missionary Conference at Liverpool that the giant liner Mauritania was built by prayer. That may be so, but it is absolutely certain that she's not run by prayer. When profane and perspiring stokers, under the iron hand of an eloquent Doric engineer, are wildly shooting coals into the furnaces with the object of smashing np another record, there is mighty little praying audible to the naked ear.

Kawhla township, which has flown in the face of Scriptural warning by building itself partly on the sands of Che seashore, supplies an example of the rapid twisting of the tax-gatherer's screw. There, as elsewhere, valuations have been bumped up alarmingly. To take one instance, a leasehold section on the strand, which is under water at spring tides, and which last year was assessed at £7, unimproved value, has suddenly sprung in the Tax Depart* merit's estimation to £100. At latest, little Kawhia contemplated forming itself into an association of worms, a la Northcote.

The coolness of the colonial youth. A New Plymouth business man tella the story. The other day he had reason to "sack" his office-boy. The youngster met his fate without winking an eye-lid. To show nis indifference, he took a cigarette from his pocket. "Got a match, sir ?" he asked, with the familiarity of an equal, and next moment he affably proffered the packet of smokes and suggested "Have a cigarette?" Flabbergasted for the moment, the merchant provided the match, but declined the smoke, and the youngster disappeared behind a tobaccocloud of his raising. * * *

The odd spectacle of a young woman driving a public conveyance might have been seen on one of the country roads outside Auckland a few evenings ago. It came about thuswise : The regular driver of the vehicle in question had met sundry friends in the course of the afternoon, and looked upon the wine when it was at its warmest tints, with the consequence that when midway upon beat his horses were left td browse at their sweet will upon the roadside grass, while their alleged director snored away the hour in oblivion in the roadside gutter. Young Mary came along, bent upon getting to town, and found vehicle and team to let. Being a countrybred girl and accustomed to horses, she found the difficulty a trifling one. With the help of a casual passer, she hoisted the insensible driver into his bus, mounted the box, drove Him in triumph into town, and disgustedly delivered him over at his employer's stable. So much for the resource of a suburban maiden. What the bus-owner or the regular patrons of that bus-line thought of the escapade is quito another matter. ■ . ; . ■-; » •- • •:/ -'■