THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVIII, Issue 26, 14 March 1908, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

PROBABLY the most worried man in town to-day is J. J. "Walklate, who is known to the public as General Manager of the Auckland Electric Tramway Company. As a matter of fact, Mr "Walklate holds a dual position. He is not only General Manager, but also Chief Engineer to the company, so that the responsibility which rests on his shoulders forms a pretty heavy load at the present time, when breakdowns are frequent and the public are growling tremendously about the system. It is safe to say that no one is particularly anxious to supersede Mr Walklate in his position just now. There is too much excitement about to be exactly healthy for the nerves.

It is the irony of fate that the dislocation in the service should have occurred just when the public were loudest in their clamour for more cars to be put on the road. Instead of getting more cars, they nowlfave to be satisfied with considerably less. as, through the breakdown in the power house, the company is unable to utilise the full number of cars, and a large proportion of the rolling stock is now lying idle in the barns. One of the most serious features of the whole business lies in the fact that the diminution in the number of cars used has resulted, it is said, in over a hundred motormen and conductors being temporarily thrown out of employment, and at the present time it is difficult to say when their term of enforced idleness will come to an end.

A study in contrasts. On February' 14th, John Borrow, Samuel Davenport, William John Evans, and "William Singleton were prosecuted hy the Government pomologis€. Mr W. Boucher, for failing to eradicate codlin moth from their orchards, and were each fined £1, the magistrate (Mr Dyer) pointing out that they were liable to a penalty of £20. Last Saturday, this same W. Boucher told the Visitors to the Waerenga State farm that he had no expectation of eradicating the orchard nests in the Government orchard. When are the Government going to proceed against themselves for their flagrant breach of the Act ? If they are consistent, they will do so at once.

Some of the laws relating to sport in this free and enlightened country are fearfully and wonderfully made. For instance, licenses to kill deer in the Hawke's Bay district contain the provision that no stag shall be- killed carrying antlers with less than ten points. The law" doesn't explain how the afflicted sportsman is going to get near enough to the frisky stag to _ count their points. Probably it is another case of shooting first and inquiring afterwards. Which is a stag-gering fact.

Stated that the accident to tho eye of Mackintosh, who was recently invalided home from the Nimrod rxpedition, was caused by him getting entangled with a fish hook that was hanging from a line at the top of -he companion ladder. It looks as -f some piscatorial enthusiast on tho Nimrod was trying the efficiency of Coroner Gresham'3 plan for catching dogfish. If that is so, it's a had look out for the sledge dogs on board the Nimrod.

The salient point about the Ministerial picnic to Waerenga last Saturday was the fervour displayed by John Bollard. M.P., in his commendation of the policy of xhe Agricultural Department in developing the State fruit farm. Even 0. H. Poole or Alfred Kidd. thoroughgoing as is their support of the Government and all its works, could not have spoken in warmer approbation of tho State experimental operations — and certain iv tiot with greater knowledge — than the burly Oppositionist. though, surely, it comes perilously near to tho Socialism which he and his colleagues abhor. However, therf> is no doubt that the Waerenga plantations are setting a valuable oxample to settlers, and John Bollard was generous enough to acknowledge it. Probably the most marked success attained at Waeronga is that oi Signor Bragato's branch in growth of grapes and the manufieture of wine. The sampling of tho Bragato brand of wines was one of the most cheerful episodes in a wholly enjoyable oiiting.

The regulations under the Food and Drugs Act, just published, define bread as "a porous food substance, obtained by moistening and baking flour." That, of course, is the ideal bread. But porousness is a matter of degree. "When one strikes a loaf that is, cay as close-grained as a lump of Queen-street asphalt, the presumption is that he may return it, to the baker with any requisite amount of force. As it isn't really porous, it isn't bread, under the regulations.

" Mercutio " seems to be fond of giving himself away. Here is an extract from his column : — " Captain E. F. Hemingway sends me the following interesting note : — • Desr " Mercutio," — The riddle that you have published — " I sit on a rock when lam raising the wind, etc." — I remember well. It is now about 65 years ago when I first read it.'" There was really no necessity for " Mercutio " to inform a ribald world that, in order to entertain his readers, he has had to resurrect a hoary-headed, 65 - years • old riddle. Even Frank Whittaker rarely dives so far as all that into the mists of antiquity for his yarns. The up-to-date " Mercutio " is needlessly cruel to himself.

Cause and effect again. The Good Templars were advertised to hold a monster meeting in the Western Park last Sunday. No wonder the fountains of the great deep were opened up and torrents of cold water descended. Why didn't somebody think before of this remedy for the drought ?

A country teacher sends the following : — "Dear Observer, — I read in your issue of the 20th inst. an article dealing with a recent educational appointment. During the past three years it is a matter of notoriety — even city teachers seem aware of it — that all appointments of importanse, whether in town or country, have been monopolised by the first assistants of town schools, while their vacated positions have usually been filled by the promotion of city second assistants. The Board of Education has strengthened this belief by invariably placing the town teacher's name first on the list of six names submitted by them to the committees, and naturally the School Committee has selected him as head master. Of course, in theory, the inspectorial staff is held responsible for the position of the names. Still, it seems strange that even in the case of equal merit, the city teacher always comes first.

"In the period mentioned, there have been two exceptions to the rule. In the one case, a first assistant actually (though informally) was selected, only to be displaced by a country teacher of higher rank and greater experience. In the other, when the Board went abroad for an inspector, and found one of Al rank, two educational institutes unanimously voiced very earnest protests of disapproval, and that they were indeed ingenuous may be judged from the fact that certain high officials and first assistants were very disappointed aspirants.

" A final word on the differentiation now made between city and country teachers. You doubtless noticed that a country teacher had been taken to task for undertaking in his leisure time extra work — of a journalistic nature, I understand, but calculated to undermine his pedagogic efficiency. Some short time ago, I received from a prominent suburban master a circular with an invitation to join his coaching classes, setting forth high advantages, etc., and, at the same time, equally high fees. Contrasting the two cases, does it not seem like straining at the gnat and swallowing the camel ?"

Mr Justice Cooper spoke trenchantly at Napier the other day about the pernicious influence of the sale of penny horribles in New Zealand, and declared that he would like to have the vendors of the trash before him, and let them hear his wholesome opinion of their trade. Probably, His Honour would like to extend his strictures to the New Zealand Press Association and the newspapers which published its lurid cable message of last week about the school fire disaster at Cleveland, Ohio. At any rate, if he would not, there are thousands of readers who would. To judge from the heaping up of harrowing details that would have been better left to the imagination, the cable man who compiled that message was probably nurtured on the Police Gazette — or on the Herald's Saturday page of horrors.

A giddy youth advertises thus in the Herald : — DACHELOR (43). abstainer, educated, desires O correspond with Keflned Christian Lady of independent means, view matrimony, Sad to think that a gay young bachelor of 43 is reduced to advertising for a wife. Furthermore, most mere men wouldn't care two straws whether the lady was a Christian or a pagan, so long as she had the independent means. This youth expects too much.

A change is pending at the fire brigade depot at Queen-street wharf, and thereby hangs a tale. The other day, the chairman of the Fire Board chopped into the depot, just on a casual visit of inspection. The premises and plant were all right, but the person in charge was preoccupied. In point of fact, he had a jeweller's bench rigged up, and was engaged upon some intricate piece of workmanship. On inquiry it was ascertained that the custodian was a jeweller by trade, and had converted the Board's premises into a workshop. Exactly which of his two interests would prevail in the event of an alarm being given was not quite clear. Anyhow, the Board invited him to find bench-space elsewhere, and now his billet is to let.

■nr^i n Preimer Ward arrived at Wellsford the other day after the struggle of his motor car with the bog holes of the northern roads, the problem of entraining the wheeled monster was a tough one John Stallworthy. M.P., Public Works Engineer Sherratt, and other local magnates bent their backs to the task, and after much expenditure of muscular energy succeeded in landing the car on the wagon. Evidently the chauffeur was unaware of the dignity of the working gang, and took them for casual Wellsford volunteers. However, their strenuous work had his approval, and also met with its reward. For after he had surveyed the finished job and seen that all was secure, he waved his extralarge cigar in condescending satisfaction, fished out a florin out of his trousers pocket and patronisingly tossed it to the perspiring gang, as something with which to drink his and Sir Joseph's health. To say that John Stallworthy looked hurt is to put it mildly. For an M.P. to be taken for an ordinary person was mortifying enough, but to be offered a tip by a mere chauffeur—even a lord high chauffeur — was to rub in the affront. He has hardly yet recovered from the shock. „.••'. \ *

It was Sunday afternoon in Onehunga, and the car, as' is usual on Sunday afternoon, was crowded with people who were anxious to get back to Auckland in time for" church, and bridge parties, and other things too numerous to mention. The motoiman also was anxious to get back, and he accordingly switched the starting lever over. But there was no response on the part of the car, which remained motionless. The motorman, muttering sundry sweet nothings that would have greatly pained Manager Walklate, applied himself yet more diligently to his task, but still there was no response.

The conductor, who, from his appearance, was a recent arrival from Home, in the meantime accommodated himself with a seat in the car, and, having lit the fag-end of a cigarette, proceeded to enlighten the passengers on how much better they do these things where he came from. The passengers were listening with all the respect that was due to such a weighty authority, when the motorman, in the course of his investigations into the trouble, suddenly discovered that this same conductor had forgotten to put the trolley pole on to the wire. Under the circumstances, it is not surprising that the car wouldn't move. Since then, that conductor has maintained a discreet silence concerning the superior methodß in vogue in the Old Country.

Dictatorial quotation from the regulations gazetted the other day concerning the supply of milk :— " No person Bhall use for the carriage of milk any cart used for the carting of manure." New Zealand is alleged to be a free country, and yet the people who would like milk carried in a manure-cart are to be debarred from exercising their preference !

Unless the Cambridge Borough Council is careful, it is possible that ere long it will be in the throes of litigation. The trouble has arisen through the mistaken action of a Borough employee who was recently manipulating a hose in one of the streets. The employee, being evidently a good and true workman, was so engrossed in his task that he failed to notice the approach of a citizeness. The result was that the citizeness in question forwarded, through her lawyer, a claim to the Borough Council for £6 compensation for damages to apparel caused by the water which came through that hose. The Council politely regretted the accident, but repudiated liability, and now all Cambridge is waiting with bated breath to see the result. Anyway, with so much water in it, it shouldn't be a dry affair.

There is a gentleman in town who has had bestowed upon him the somewhat peculiar cognomen of " Saratoga Dick." He earned the title thusly : Some time ago, a brother of his, who runs a successful local indent business, offered Kichard a position in the business. One department was devoted to silver and plated ware, and of this department Richard was placed in sharge. As he knew no more about plated ware than he did about the population of Mars, he didn't find his work too easy just at first. One day, before he had mastered the technicalities of the business, two sweet young things in the latest summer dresses sailed in. They were speculating in silver ware, and for some time Richard was kept busy attending to their wants.

At last their purchases appeared to be complete, and Richard was breathing freely again, when it suddenly struck one of the ladies that she required a trunk. " Have you got any Saratogas V she asked Richard. The latter was eqnal to the occasion. He hadn't the remotest idea what a Saratoga was, but he naturally came to the conclusion that it was something in the silver plate line. "Certainly, madam," he replied, " would you like a plated one, or solid silver ?" And it took the ladies a good half hour to explain to the blushing Kichard that a Saratoga trunk is not usually made of either silver or plated ware. Since then, he has been labelled " Saratoga Dick " by his alleged friends. • .«. •

The custodian (or whatever the individual is called who lives on bank premises) of a certain Qneen-street bank is evidently an absent-minded person. Anyway, last Monday night, what time the audiences from the theatres were wildly attempting to capture cars, this gentleman was standing before his dressing table in what might be termed an advanced state of deshabille, admiring his handsome face in the looking-glass. Unfortunately for himself, he had forgotten to pull down the blind of his bedroom window, and, as that window is exactly opposite to a tram stopping place, a large crowd was soon wholly engrossed in the doings of the unconscious custodian.

[fc wasn't until this individual had finished his inspection of his aristocratic physiognomy, and turned away to continue his undressing operations, that he discovered that his blind was still up, and that a large part of the population of Auckland (including several members of the fair sex) were following his movements with breathless interest. Then the blind descended with a dull, sickening thud, and a sigh of disappointment rose from the expectant mob.

The interference of the exclusive and officious gentlemen who compose the B. M.A. in hospital appointments has been marked down by Sir Joseph Ward as a matter worth looking into. When he was at Dargaville last week, the significant fact was impressed upon him that five doctors who had lately been appointed to the local hospital had quickly resigned, owing to the pressure brought to bear upon them by fellow-practitioners. Why, he was asked, shouldn't there be legislation against a medical trust, as well as against a wheat or a harvester trust? Sir Joseph wrinkled his brows, and apparently asked himself the same question. Wherefore, let the B.M.A. boycotters reef their canvas and be prepared for squalls. a • •

Most people are inclined to look upon the local milk vendors as charitable and philanthropic individuals in deciding not to raise the retail price of milk. These apparent philanthropists, however, are able to take remarkably good care of themselves. The plain truth is that the lacteal liquid which they are supplying to the public at Is 4d a gallon is bought by them from the dairy farmers at 7d a gallon. This was the price agreed upon some time ago. At that time, the retail price was Is 2d a gallon, but since then the retailers have advanced it another 2d without paying a commensurately higher figure to the wholesalers, who have been kept rigidly bound down to the price agreed upon. Considering, therefore, that the retailers are making a profit of over 100 per cent, on every gallon of milk v sold, they do not seem to be so very philanthropic, after all. As usual, it is the unfortunate farmer whofluflerß, .*,;,;,-.■ v,..^.^.. ::■ .^<;

The Parnell Borough Council wants its mayor to attend the forthcoming local bodies' conference on the drainage question and keep his mouth shut. On the other hand, the Newmarket Borough Council wants its mayor to attend and keep his ears- open* Who wouldn't be the mayor of a local body, and hand over the control of nis facial and aural organs to his intellectual colleagues ? It only remains for Mayor George Sayers to keep hia eyes open, and for Mayor Oily Nicholson to keep his nose straight, and Arthur Myers will be nowhere.

• • a The exponents of a certain system for the alleged cure of female ailments appear to be decidedly more frank than the general run of these people. Anyway, they concluded their advertisement in last Saturday's s«ar with the startling statement : "Take life. No charge." There's nothing like candour, and ladies who were meditating over the advisability of adopting this treatment will probably be inclined to pause after reading that confession. On second thoughts, perhaps the sentence was meant to read : "Take lift. No charge." However, it is just possible that the first formula is the more correct one of the two. At least, Dr Mason, judging from certain remarks which he once made concerning this same treatment, would probably think so. • •• «

Is the good old custom of personal courtship passing out of fashion ? No less than three young men desirous of launching upon the sea of matrimony are seeking brides this week by invitations through the Star's advertisement columns for correspondence with a view to match-making. Also, two of them disregard the advice of the elder Weller, and indicate that a widow would not be an undesirable mate. But why, oh, why does " Desirous " think it necessary to specify that she may be either a "young woman or young widow?" When would a widow be other than a woman ? • • ■

Local Lib. -Labs, mustered in force at St. Benedict's Half last Friday night. The occasion was the presentation of charters by Sir Joseph Ward to the Auckland East and Kemnera branches of the Liberal and Labour Federation. G. L. Peacocke and William Johns, the presidents of the new branches, beamed genially on all and sundry, and all was gentleness and peace. Sir Joseph, in making the presentation, took the opportunity to get in a few trenchant comments on the recent oratorical effort of Mr Massey, and the faithful Lib. -Labs, cheered enthusiastically. Altogether, it was a great occasion entirely, aad the Lib. -Lab. came seems to be enjoy*

An individual named Shaw, who is something in the importing line, is anxious for a few minutes' pressing conversation with a jocular person who recently sent him on a long and unpleasant wild goose chase. Shaw was the proud possessor of a prize spaniel, which was so unheeding of its obligation to its owner that it went and got itself lost. Last Saturday, when the bereft dog-owner arrived at his office, he found a pencilled note awaiting him to say that if he called at 29, Sentinel Road, Ponsonby, he would lind his loved and lost puppy dog.

Although the rain was pouring down in a manner that might have daunted the immortal Jock McCraw, the enthusiastic dog- owner set oft post-haste for Sentinel Koad. After a long and arduous tramp, he discovered the locality, and set off down the street, carefully taking note of the numbers of the houses as he proceeded. But, alas ! No. 28 turned out to be the very last house in the road, and the wet and infuriated Shaw discovered that any attempt to discover a No. 29 would entail his precipitation over a steep clift into the sea. There was no No. 29. After waiting to heap blessings on the head of the person who had done this thing, the importer returned to town dogless, but by no means dampless. That dog is still missing.

Wired from Wellington that the new offices for the Union Steamship Company that are about to be erected there are to have " a Bteel frame of brick and stone." This is an architectural curiosity that even George George has never thought of. Steel made out of brick and stone is quite a new idea.