JUDGING THE BABIES.

Observer, Volume XXVIII, Issue 25, 7 March 1908, Page 18

JUDGING THE BABIES.

A HERCULEAN TASK.

IN response to the wishes of the promoters of the St. Patrick's Dominion Festival at the Royal Albert Hall, Mr Adolph Kohn and Dr Murphy recently decided, against their better judgment, to act as judges in the baby show. Mr J K. Lundon, who bad consented to act, basely deserted and sought refuge at Kotorua, where he got into hotter water than could be found at any baby show. The show was fixed to take place at half-past two i~st Wednesday afternoon. Mr Ad- lph Kohn, who arrived well up to time was at once interviewed by Mrs O'Kafferty, who notified him that shares entering a baby in the show, and that it the baby in question didn't get the prize, there was going to be trouble. Mr Kohn, who see ned to teel his position keenly, excused himself on the grounds of a pressing engagement, and proceed 3d down Queengtreet to buy a var ed assortment of fire-arms and other life-preserving implements. . . i)r C. Clement Mu.phy arrived on the scene in an aimoured motor car. . After paying a visrji to the nearest life insurance society, and having made his wi'l, be expressed himself as ready for the tray. in reply to an urgent quest on acidised to him by Mrs McGilhcuddy, he said that any infant that was brought under his notice would be slaughtered with itatness and despatch. „ Mrs McGillicuddy objected to Dr. Murphy acting as a judge under those circumstances. ril-e demanded to know if Dr. Murphy called himself a man. Dr. Murphy was understood, among the general ruitemal uproar, to say that Mr Adolp i Kohn was willing to be held rot ponsible tor any damage that migK result to the babies. . Mr Kohn vehemently denied this assertion. If any damage was done to the babies, he was not responsible for that damage. His paternal feelings were outraged by such a suggestion. Before proceeding to the task oi judging, he demanded some adequate protection. Mr T. J. Holbrook, the secretary of the fair, said that Mr Kohn s blood would be on his (Mr Kohn's) own head He (Mr Holbrook) was pleased to see that entries for the baby show were so numerous. There were 112 babies, backed by 112 mothers. He felt sure that the mothers would abide by the ruling of Mr Kohn and Dr. Murphy. At this point, Dr. Murphy was understood to say that he did not feel well. He had symptoms of gastritis, complicated by bronchial pneumonia and haemoptysis, with strong signs of babyphobia, which might develop into infanticide. He begged, therefore, to be excused. Mr Adolph Kohn stigmatised Dr. Murphy's attitude as contemptible. He (Mr Kohn) feared no foe in shining armour — not even Mrs O'Rafferty. Mrs O'Rafferty demanded to know what Mr Kohn meant Mr Kohn said that he had come there prepared to sell his life dearly. If they had any babies to show, let them trot 'em out. Mrs McGillicuddv • "Trot 'em out !" She would be pleased to know if Mr Kohn Tvas referring to her. At this point, Father Farthing arrived, accompanied by Father Holbrook. After a spirited skirmish with the assembled mob of babies and mothers in the centre of the hall, the two Fathers departed unostentatiously by tho back door. The damage sustained has not yet transpired, but it is understood that :--'^-.Jlt;.iß : y.Qp^eMid^by. insurance. v ■■■,;<

The task of judging was then proceeded upon by Dr. Murphy and Mr Kohn. The weighing .oi the various babies was superintended by Mr T. J. Holbrook, assisted bj a , healthy looking bull-dog and several coils of barb wire. In the course of the weighing process, Mrs Euphem a Constantina O'Shaughnessy complained that the scales were wrong. According to them, her baby only weighed eighteen pounds, whereas she had had the darling weighed at the grocer's only last week, when the scales registered twenty-two pounds. Mr Adolph Kohn suggested that Mrs O'Shaughnessy should change her grocer. Mrs O'Shaughnessy said that if Mr Kohn would kindly step outside, she would be pleased to see him. Mr M. J. Sheahau here kindly offered to act as Mr Kohn's understudy if he (Mr Kohn) wished to accept Mrs O'Shaugbuessy's invitation. Mr Kohn said that he had much pleasure in handing the job over to Mr Maurice O'Connor, who, he felt sure, would be equal to the occasion. Mr Maurice O'Connor having been duly ejected at the pressing request ot Mrs O'yhaughnessy. the judging proceeded ? . comparative calm, only interrupteu by riots, massacres and other trifling affairs organised by the assembled mothers. Mr Kohn and Dr. Murphy having completed their labours, were escorted by a body-guard ot police to an adjoining anteroom, where first aid was rendered. Having stipulated for ten minutes' start . down the street before their decisions should be made known, they handed their written judgment to Mr Holbrook and departed unostentatiously by the back door. On the judgment being made known, a stern chase was instituted after the judges, but 7 to the great regret of all concerned, the miscreants made good their escape and have not yet been d^fovered. We understand, on most unreliable authority, that Dr. Murphy is meditating an immediate trip to America, while Mr Adolph Kohn has, we hear, myst<:iously disappeared. A reward io offered, by certain female inquiurs, for his recovery, living or dead. Mr J. 11. Lundon will be pleased to receive any particulars concerning his whereabouts.