PARS ABOUT PEOPLE

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 41, 29 June 1907, Page 4

PARS ABOUT PEOPLE

WHAT was wrong with the temper of R. W. Dyer, S.M., at Whangarei last Wednesday? Didn't they give him the best bedroom at the hotel, or had they forgotten that be likes fresh eggs for breakfast, or did the constable neglect to carry his bag from the train, or what on earth was it ? One unfortunate individual named Lee had the bad luck to incur the magisterial anger for what was held to be insolence to the bench. He had already been fined £2, but, in view of the insolence, the fine' was increased to £4. After all, however, he only had his fine doubled. Lawyer Steadman, who, in another ca&e, attempted to talk back to the bench, declaring that he was not going to be bounced, was faced with the alternative of subsiding or being committed for contempt of court, lie more than subsided —he collapsed. As for Whangarei, it didn't breathe freely again until the irascible Dyer was safely out of the town.

A. J. Black lectured to men only at the Opera House on "What Is Your Life." Much more entertaining to his hearers if be had told them what had been his own life.

Mr Gully, one of the counsel imported from Wellington to strengthen the local Bar in the Calliope Dock case, has scarcely recovered from a painful shock to which he was subjected at the Supreme Court last week. His antagonist, Mr Skerrett, put a question suggestively to a witness, thus : " Then you coincide with the opinion of Mr (iully?" His Honor, apparently thinking that Mr Skerrett was citing some expert on shipbuilding or docking, and forgetting that a Gully was before him, asked "Who is Mr Gully?" Mr Skerrett looked puzzled, while over Mr Gully's face there passed a "Not to know me •argues yourself unknown " sort of.expression. Mr Skerrett, then, in a most impressive manner, said "Mr Gully, your Honor, is the gentleman who undertook to open the case for the plaintiffs, in a little speech of three hours and a-half duration." The Judge apologised, and the "Not to know me argues yourself unknown " expression gave place to a "Well, I will let you off this time with a caution, but don't do it again " kind of look. Then the case proceeded.

The London Tatler devotes a full page to a portrait of Miss Mabel Munro, second daughter of the immortal G. S. Munro, of Exhibition fame, under the heading of " Portraits of Pretty Women." Now, if the Tatler would only give us a series of " Portraits of Handsome Men," leading off with Pa Munro, the thing would be complete. But such a series might prove rather an expensive white elephant.

W. F. Massey is chaperoning/half-a-•dozen M.H.R.'s down to Wellington via the Main Trunk Line. Is this an insidious plot on Mr Massey's part to thin out the Government ranks by exposing tender plants like Frank Lawry and F. E. Baume to the privations of such a journey? John Bollard, of coursej has a natural chest-protector, and it takes a considerable frost to make any impression on E. W. Alison, while Mr Massey himself is used to weathering storms. But the Government members are tender creatures, and a combination of the elements and King Country hop-beer might be too much for them — even for C. H. Poole. What abont clothing themselves in armour made from the leaves of Hansard ? Some of the statements therein are tough enough to resist the wildest storm that ever blew. Failing that, their electioneering speeches might come in handy*

H. D. Bedford, ex-M.H.K. for Dunedin, is contributing a series of articles entitled " Giants of the Earth " to a southern paper. So far, the gigantic Bedford's autobiography has not appeared among them. The last one was on Napoleon Bonaparte. Probably the next will deal with P. A. Vaile. The trouble is that one could hardly do justice to P. A. in a two column article. It would take an entire issue of the paper, and a bit over, to do that.

Genial "Jim" Massey, the piscatorial partner in the firm of Massey Bros., Ltd., is off to Philadelphia in the morning. That is to say, James is going on a jaunt into the wilds of Canada early next month. It. isn't wholly on pleasure that James is seeking the land of the maple where -the' canned salmon emigrate from. It is quite on the cards that when he returns to Auckland, home and beauty he will set up for himself in business with a choice lot of agencies. What brothers Wallace and Richard will do without the philosophic James it is hard to tell. In the meantime, James, with the assistance of Sara Hanna and Charlie Bailey, is getting together a choice collection of fish stories to spring upon the guileless Canadians, just to show that we do things better in New Zealand. But if James gets to work with his deadly line on the banks of the Sashatchawan far away, there will probably be a considerable decrease in the supply of canned salmon. Householders should therefore lay in large stocks in anticipation of a rise in price.

According to Dr Mason, the humble and harmless pepper is generally adulterated. " Bat," says the doctor, " under the proposed new \cl, the wording of the label will have to be designed to let the buyer know eraatly what he is getting." Otherwise, the buyer won't get pepper, but the seller will — Government pepper. But the unfortunate individual who designs the labels for tinned sausages will have a strenuous time. How he is going to crowd all the required information on to one small label remains to be seen. Anyway, does the buyer always want to know "exactly v»hat he is getting " in the tinned tucker line? It might interfere with his appetite.

Would anybody who has met on the goldfields the dapper gentleman who at present directs the Geological Survey of the colony take him for an American Indian chief? At any rate, he is bo. Dr Bell, who came from Canada a year or two ago, is proud to claim direct descent from the famous Prinetss Pocahautas, and he has been installed into the chieftainship of his tribe with elaborate ceremony. His private quarters in Wellington are a museum of the Indian costumes and curios of his ancestors, and occasionally the doctor dons the picturesque garb of his tribe for the edification of his friends. "No wonder that Frank Whitaker and his Auckland Savages are looking out for Dr Bell as a guest at the next corroboree they hold when he happens to be in Auckland. It should, however, be a stipulation that he must bring his magnificent tribal raiment along with him.

Stated that George Hutebineon, formerly member for Patea, and exploiter of the notorious Bun Tuck charges, intends to run against Hon. George Fowldß for Grey Lynn in the Opposition interests at the next, general election. It will be interesting to hear what John Farrell has to say to this, though he is not now on terms of relationship with the Opposition, and prefers being classed as an independent candidate. Then there is P. J. Nerheny, but however angry he may be with the Government, he has no time for the Opposition. In any case, he may be brought into a more friendly frame of mind, now that Sir Joseph Ward has returned, by the gift of that seat in the Legislative Council that the late Mr Seddon promised him, but that the Cabinet gave to W. W. McCardle.

Several pieces of unexpected humour have cropped up in the course of the hearing of the Calliope Dock case. For instance, Henry Wetherilt, Government inspector of machinery, in the course of his evidence, mentioned that, under certain circumstances, he would not permit a vessel to go to sea. " What !" exclaimed Mr Skerrett ; "do you mean to say that you, by yourself, could prevent a vessel leaving?" "Well," replied Mr Wetherilt, as he modestly looked down at his ample waistcoat, " I don't know, now I come to think of it, that I could manage it by myself." Bat the Court, scanning Mr Wetherilt's 16 stone or so of very live weight, no doubt came to the conclusion that it would take a pretty considerable ocean ■liner to shift the burly inspector.

Then there was Alexander Rose, exchief Collector of Customs. Alexander waltzed into the witness box and threw out his manly chest, as in the brave days of old. But the first question was a facer. " What is your occupation?" demanded counsel. Alexander, from force of habit, was about to reply that he was Chief Collector of Customs, when he suddenly remembered that times had changed, and he brought himself up with a jerk. Then a happy thought struck him. " I am a gentleman," he replied with a soothing smile. "A what?" inquired counsel. "Well," said Mr Rose, desperately, " I — hum— ha — I don't know exactly — cr — what I am." The problem was a knotty one. Counsel cogitated for a moment. There was a whispered suggestion from a "learned friend." "You used to be Chief Collector of Customs, Mr Rose?" queried counsel. Witness admitted the soft impeachment, and was at once dubbed with his present title, " exChief Collector of Customs." Then the witness heaved a sigh of relief that shook the Court, and things settled, down to their wonted calm.

Councillor Parr proposed ab the la9t City Council meeting that if the Government paid no attention to the Council's protest against the erection of a wooden building near the railway station, "stronger language" should be used. And the seconder and supporter of the •• stronger language " was H. M. Smeeton. What will the Tabernacle unco quid say to this strong language proposed ? Perhaps the falling away from grace is accounted for by the departure of Pastor Clark. Or has the plague scare next; door got on H. M. Smeeton's nerves ?

G. J. Garland, one of the newlyappointed members of the Grey Lynn Council, has opened his mouth and put his foot in it. Counoillor'Garland has been publicly railing at the Tram Company for keeping their cars in a dirty conditions According to Traffic Inspector Turner, however, it is the general public (of whom Mr Garland is a unit) who are responsible for the dirty state of the cars. The general public persist in profaning Paul Hansen's sacred vehicles by expectorating. The trouble is that newly - elected councillors are generally in a frantic hurry to make names for themselves ala DrStopford. When in doubt, slate Paul Hansen. It is the golden rule. In the past, G. j. Garland was not too proud to appropriate a bed in the public hospital, but apparently he is a bit particular abput taking a seat in a public tramcar.

Woman is unquestionably getting her rights in New Zealand. William Thompson was reposing gracefully on the couch, when Fanny Madden, the lady who stands to him in- the relation of wife, called upon him for assistance in some domestic matter. William, as one of the lords of creation, stood upon his rights and declined to move, whereupon Fanny laid him out with a billet oi wood. She is to do seven days in prison as her reward. It is gratifying to know that there is a law in existence for the protection of mere man. He is beginning to feel the need of it.

R. M. Light hand, who is secretary to the Northcote Worms that Turned, claims that their crusade against the Devonport Perry Company has been successful. In proof of this, he points to the repairs that have been ordered to some of the company's steamers, and says they were the result of the worms squirmings. Probably Mr Duncan thinks otherwise. If we mistake not, however, the Northcote Worms that Turned directed that the steamers Tainni, Takapuna, and Victoria should be consigned to the scrap heap, and the Kestrel and the Eagle transferred from Devonport to the Northcote trade. These things have not happened yet. Those worms will require to squirm some more.

A Christchurch gentleman answering to the name of Day has been struck with a brilliant idea. His notion is that the general utility of a destructor would be greatly enhanced if it were used as a crematorium. Strange to say, the Christchurch City Council didn't cotton on to the idea. Strange how unappreciative of genius the average city council is. There appears to be no valid reason why any respectable corpse should kick up a hullaballoo just because it is grabbed by a dustman and shot into the destructor, together with a choice assortment of empty jam tins and defunct members of the feline tribe. Presumably, if Mr Day were a corpse, he wouldn't mind it himself. Anyway, he might do worse than forward his idea to Dr Stopford. The doctor is great on the cremation racket, and it would give him a chance to cause another sensation in the Council Chambei.

Quite a lot of ignorant people have, in the past, laboured under the impression that the late King Dick was largely responsible for steering the ship of State safely in the last thirteen years. Such ignorance is truly deplorable. As a ■ matter of fact, the Hon. C. El. Mills is the gentleman to whom paeans ought to be chanted. According to the Hon. Charles, who ought to know, it was he who " choked " the federation aspirations of the late Premier, "and of some other Ministers." The names of the other Ministers are veiled in obscurity, probably to spare their blushes, as they're nob dead yet. Horrible, indeed, to think that for years the Hon. C. H. Mills was the power behind the throne, and that nobody ever knew it. But, hitherto, the Hon. Charles has given nobody any reason to suspect his tremendous power. It will be quite a pleasant surprise for Sir Joseph when he returns. Verily, the country need fear nothing so long as it has the Hon. C. H. Mills to watch over it.

Mr Rutherford, M. H.R, says the Parliamentary whip's functions are now strictly confined to calling 'Ouse, 'Ouse when the division bell rings. Nasty knock at Alfred Kidd.

D. C. Ingram, who occasionally woos the elusive muse, has struck out in what is, for him, a new line. Undeterred by the painful experiences of Dr de Clive Lowe with "The Lady Typist," JD. C. has lately enwrapped his noble head with a wet towel, and has produced the libretto of an operetta which he proposes to call " The Maid of Roselawn." The said libretto is now being set to music, although whether the poetical D. C. has undertaken this job as well, history sayeth not. The composer appears to be desirous of keeping his hallo wee' name in the background — presumably iv case of accidents. The librettist threatens to give the Northern Wairoa the first performance on any stage of " The Maid of Roselawn." D. C. is needlessly bashful. If he produced it at His Majesty's, with Abel Rowe as the principal boy, and Drdear Clive as conductor of the orchestra, fame and fortune would be a certainty. But perhaps the Northern Wairuffians are more artistic.

There is an extra pound or two of dignity in the air of " Charlie " Blomiield this week. The fact is, Brother Blomfield is now Grand Master of Lodge Ara, No. 348, I.C. From this giddy pinnacle he views the rest of the world with mild tolerance. The installation took place last Monday night at the Masonic Hall, Princesstreet, when there was a big muster of craftsmen. Bro. George Gribbin carried out the onerous duties of installing officer. Representatives of other constitutions were also there in goodly numbers, the New Zealand Scottish and English Constitutions being represented by R.W. Bro. Murdoch McLean, K.W. Bro. G. Mueller, and R.W. Bro. A. S. Bankart respectively. Brother A. A. White and A. M. Bowden acted as presenting officers. The newly-elected Grand Master of Lodge Ara is lucky in having a fine lot of officers to support him during his term of office.

For instance, there is Bro; Pigott, a veteran among lodge treasurers, also Bro. Frank Whitaker, the strenuoaa secretary, who has four fat letters after his name. Then there -is the harmonious Bro. Philpott, who dispenses music sweet enough to soothe the most savage goat that ever bucked. Bro. Sid Coldicutt knows more about deaconing than the average member of a deaconate, and Bro. Sam Davenport is a tower of strength. Then there is the well-tried Tyler, Bro. W. Caron, to say nothing of Chaplain Bro. E. Bartley. Brother S. G. Lee has a talent for directing the ceremonies, and Bro. F. L. Gribbin, as a Trumpeter, would have been useful in the vicinity of the walls of Jericho. Also, there are others, but the renown of all is writ large on the Masonic scroll of fame, therefore further words are superfluous.

Freda Clara McUarry (nee Parsons), the Eketahuna girl who has bad the unique experience, for a woman, of being landed in damages for breach of promise of marriage, had a blunt way of making known to the jilted lover her change of intentions. She waited till within ten days of the date she had' fixed for the wedding, and then wired to her lover, who was in Feildirig, that she wished to see him. With beating heart, ■_ the ardent youth travelled by train to Eketahuna, expecting to receive the uaual airectioDate greeting • from his sweetheart. , Instead, she met him at the kitchens door with a chilling coldness, and with « melodramatic ware of the hand, 1n«

formed him that it was "all off. 5 ' No remonstrances would move her from her resolution, nor would she give any reason for her altered sentiments. However, the cause became plain when, within a week of the day that was Co have made her Mrs Thomson, she became Mrs McUarry. All that Thomson gets by way ot reparation is his judgment for £20, which he is to recover as best he can from the lady's separate estate, if she has any.

A Caledonian individual named W. S. Liddle is the latest " round the world on a wheel" crank. He and his faithful bike are at present favouring this country with a visit. Liddle, like most cranks of this description, subsists by employing the gentle art of mendicancy. The law is a bass. The luckless individual who, unsupported by a faithful bike, wanders forth into the streets and begs is promptly gaoled, while any crank bikist can wander round taking up alms at his own sweet will. A sympathetic Christchurch crowd sent round the hat for Liddle, and, in returning thanks, the recipient remarked that " this game requires plenty of cheek." Just so ; but there is already a very large stock of cheek held in this colony, and the importation thereof is superfluous. Therefore, the "round the world on a wheel " crank might with safety be classed as an undesirable immigrant.

Fish, being akin to oysters, evidently have an attraction for Albert Edward Giover. Anyway, the atmosphere of the City Council Chamber got quite fishy last Thursday. A hard-hearted health officer had demanded that certain fish-curing premises should be removed in the interests of public health. Albert Edward, however, thought otherwise, and when Albert Edward gets his ideas firmly fixed on any subject, something's got to go. Scenting something fishy about the proceedings, the Adonisian Albert proceeded to demolish the proposal for the demolition of the fishy premises. Casting his line around, he fished up chunks of eloquence whioh would bays made an aurora borealis weep*. Bat an unsympathetic Council listened unmoved to Albert Edward, and his bait was oast in vain Finally, Albert shook Paul Hanson's dust from joft his feet, and vanished from the vicinity of the scoffers. , Now, if the Conncil bad only been recruited 'from the. ranks of the Taniwha Fishing Club, with Walter Basiey as Mayor, all would have been veil,