THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 40, 22 June 1907, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

A CERTAIN local warehouse had shipped seventy bags of sugar by rail, to a customer in a certain mining town, when disquieting news arrived concerning the aforesaid customer's solvency, and a smart member of the staff was sent post haste by express train to intercept the delivery of the sugar and return it to the store. It was a cold evening when he reached the mining town, and feeling tired and hungry, he sauntered to the hotel dining-room and thence to bed, leaving his business tillnextmorning. Delays are proverbially dangerous. At seven the next morning, the customer had signed for the sugar at the railway station and received delivery. At nine, after the ambassador from town had finished a comforting breakfast, he strolled to the railway station. But, alas, there was no sugar there. The early bird had caught the worm.

It happened in one of our law-courts the other day. Counsel for the plaintiff in a civil case happened to make a slip as to the name of the defendant. The bench promptly corrected him. " Ah, thank your worship," observed the overworked lawyer, wearily, "my memory is not what it used to be. In fact, I forgot one day the very existence of my principal creditor. Unluckily, his memory wasn't so defective." The forgetful lawyer's name ? Not just at present, thank you.

They have the plague scare rather badly at Napier, and the small boys of the town are rejoicing in unaccustomed pocket-money derived from the sale of the corpses of defunct rats. But at a meeting of the borough council .last week & story was told, with sundry shudders, about a youngster who had been seen carrying a couple of the critters to the waterworks for sals inside his shirt ! And the borough fathers thought it amusing !

The trouble orei the Tamaki School Committee election is responsible for at least one deplorable result. Here it is:— (With apologies to the author of "Tammany.") Far away adown the river where^the Tamakitties quiver, And the mopokes mope salubriously upon the window pane, They must have a predilection of original election — Of their ways in that direction they are not a little vain. Chorus (Allegrettofully fortissimostly) Tamaki ! Tamaki ! Gird your loins up to fight ! Tho' you mightn't — still you might ! Tamaki ! Tamaki ! Will you? won't you? do you ? don't you ? Tamaki ! And their wicked ways embarrass all the virtuous soul of Harris, '■ For he growls that their election was conducted in a way That had made him speak severely and expostulate austerely — And, in fact, it very nearly turned his curly ringlets grey. CHORUB (Pianiaticissimo Creßcendon'to) Tamaki ! Tamaki ! Nought that's wicked may advance 'Neath the bold Harrisian glance, Tamaki I Tamaki ! Stop it ! drop it ! or you'll cop it ! — - Tamaki ! Education Board is scorning worthy Harris's kind warning, And they grieved the gentle Harris by administ'riDg a Frost ; But unless their ways are ended, and their methods are amended, And to Harris they've attended — well, 'tia clear they all are lost. Chorus (Fortissimissimissimissimiasimost). Tamaki ! Tamaki ! See the Harris host advance ! Warlike haka wildly dance ! Tamaki ! Tamaki ! Bellow ! yell-oh 1 sell oh ! spell oh ! Tamaki !

Some fantastic things are being perpetrated under the. heading of Seddon memorials. Perhaps there is a fitness in the erection of a memorial light that was " unveiled " the other day at the place the Star calls Little Hanna, which may possibly mean Little Hunua. To say the least of it, it keeps the Seddon light shining. Moreover, " Little Hanna " has got ahead of the cities, where the memorial schemes are lagging sadly. But there is something grimly humorous in making the event the excuse for a "sumptuous" repast, and in winding up the day's proceedings with a dance. Another step and we shall have light fantastic accompaniments to a funeral.

Someone is about to issue a New Zealand " Who's Who, JJ one ot those delightful autobiographical publications to which everybody who thinks himself somebody is allowed to contribute a sketch of his more or less interesting career. Already we have had something of the kind in Burkes Colonial Gentry, and the New Zealand Encyclopaedia that landed so many of its subscribers in law proceedings. In those cases the free vent given to egotism produced some rather humorous results. After all, if the editor of the proposed publication told us who Who really is, the volume would be spicy.

An Auckland youth noted amongst his acquaintances for his easy-going good nature, went South on holiday last week. Shortly before starting he called upon a friend, and offered to take charge of anything that that friend might wish to send to his southern relatives. "Just the chance I was looking tor," said No. 2. " I want to send a sack of oysters to my brother down Wellington way. Will you take that?" The obliging youth seemed a little staggered at so large an order, but nevertheless agreed. That evening he met several other friends, who were all glad to hear that so good a fellow was travelling South. One Bad a crate of pumpkins to send home to his mother. Another had been looking for weeks for someone to look after a prize terrier from here to Marton. another had a deaf maiden aunt who was going by the same vessel, and would need some attention on the voyage.

Such an accumulation of requests might have staggered some people. However, the youth was too goodnatured to refuse any of them. Probably he wondered how he was going to discharge so many commissions, and what sort of a bill for excess luggage he was letting himself in for, but he smilingly took on each contract, and arranged that his several charges should be delivered to him at the railway station. Something near a climax came when a note arrived from another person who "had heard that he was travelling," asking if he would mind looking after a case of pigs that he was sending to Hawera as a presentto a relative. After some persuasion, however, from the friends who were watching with interest the progress of bis arrangements, the traveller agreed to perform this commission also. Not till he got to the railway platform, and found neither pigs, nor terrier, ndr oysters, nor pumpkins waiting, did it dawn upon him that he had been the victim of a conspiracy to test the extent of his willingness to oblige. At any rate, it stood tb» trial well.

The history of the steamer Kia Ora, which was wrecked on the West Coast last week, dates back to the last mining boom. When the river trade to Ohinemuri was at its height, about ten years ago, the McGregor Steamship Company decided to bid for a share in it. Accordingly, the late William McGregor made a trip Home, and placed the order for the building of the Kia Ora. The vessel, however, arrived too late for the boom on the river. Partly, this was due to the way in which she was brought out. Instead of steaming out from the Clyde, she was rigged up as a barque, waited for a cargo, and came along under canvas to New Zealand.

Under this plan the voyage may have been profitable in itself, but in another way the consequences were serious. By the time the vessel reached Auckland, the river trade was being better catered for, and in any case its volume bed diminished. To make matters worse for the McGregor. Company, the Kia Ora had too great a draught of water, so that she was unable to get beyond the Puke, while the Northern Company's boa£s romped past her to the Paeroa landing and still scooped up the bulk of the trade. The consequence was that the McGregors failed to get the share of the traffic they had "looked for, and the venture proved unprofitable. Very soon the Kia Ora was withdrawn and sold to the Union Company. Eventually she passed into the hands of her former competitors, the Northern Company, to which she has been a useful boat in the weßt coast trade.

A substantial female of uncertain age waltzed into the witness box at the Police Court the other day and glared defiantly at the examining counsel. The legal gentleman, a youthful person fairly new to his work, was hypnotised. Pulling himself together, he stammered out : " Are you the husband of the previous witness?" "I am," snorted the defiant witness. And it wasn't until the magistrate and the orderly chokedsimultaneously that the perpetrators of the " bull " saw where the fun came in. There will be no prosecution for perjury. *•■••. m The ardent liquors of thebackblocks along the Main Trunk railway are well named "chain-lightning," if the story told by one of the storekeepers is to be taken without dilution. Not long ago a navvy who had been knocking down the proceeds of pay day at the nearest sly-grog shanty returned to camp cuddling affectionately a bottle with which he intended to top off hia carouse. It was labelled as whisky, and was of the kind that passes current in the bush as " best old Scotch." In his tent it was welcomed by his mates, and one of them, expert in such matters, undertook to extract the obstinate cork. A skilful turn of the corkscrew, and away it came with a jerk. But in the operation a few drops of the liquid were spilt up-, on the operator's wrist. Result — that within an hour or so a welldefined red scar had developed whereever the acidulated concootion had touched the skin ! By that time the whole bottleful had been absorbed by the campers, but no one has yet heard of .any coroner's inquest. Ldpy-QOj|>7 tinued habit probably tell«; v" r .

In the eyes of the unco quid, lotto is a soul-entangliDg game if played on Sundays. But, just as the churches have collared a number of the old heathen festivals for their own purposes, so also some good person baa adapted lotto as a suitable pastime for Christian Endeavourers on Sur/day afternoons. All that was needed was to give scriptural names to the pieces, and biblux Lotto is accordingly starred as a leading line in the windows of the Sunday - school Union. But, if lotto is to be " wrested from the devil," why not also euchre and bridge? A little alteration of the names ot the cards, and the possibilities of salving Sabbatarian consciences are immense.

Book-keepers are apparently a drug in the market. A southern merchant advertised for one the other day, and was promptly smothered by 397 applications. One aspirant sent along a cargo of 25 testimonials and 18 references. He casually mentioned that his father, mother, uncles, brothers*, and, pres-uniably, his sisters and his cousins and his auntf, were all bookkeepers, lie pointed enthusiastically to the fact that he was born in a booking office. He was. willing to work 15 hours a day and part of Sunday, and the " salary required " was £1 a week. This modest gentleman ended up pathetically by staging that if he didn't get ihe job he would go cabdriving. Well, why not ? From all appearances, a cab driver is a long way better off than a book-keeper.

The tangi of the "good old days" will soon be as dead as the Irish wake of the stage type. For the authorities have found a means of stopping the grog supplies for the Maori " mourning " feasts. It seems that the law makes it an offence to supply liquor to Maoris for consumption off licensed premises. Now, a Maori kainga is generally a long way off licensed premises, and yet, in the case of the Tohu tangi in Taranaki, the bar, or the brewery, managed to reach out its long arm by a good many miles. Anyhow, the police down that way have managed to bag several persons who comprised the component parts of that arm, and make them smart severely in the way of tines. Another nail in the coffin of a vicious old Maori custom that can very well be dispensed with.

One of the Ponsonby doctors is telling a story at his own expense. He called the' other day upon a patient whom he had been dosing for some time, and tried to cheer him up with some of his best witticisms. "Ah, doctor," groaned the sick man, "in spite of all the medicine you're pouring into me I don't seem to get any better." " Well," replied the medico, " perhaps you'd better take the advice of Shake3pere, and throw physic to the dogs.". "It wouldn't be half a bad idea," rejoined the patient, with a wink of the eye, "only you know, doctor, that there are some valuable dogs in this neighbourhood." And for once the doctor owned himself beaten in the contest of wits.

A laughable mix-up of passengert' belongings happened at a southern railway station the other day. Keturniug from a holiday trip, a traveller left his trunk, on the platform for a few minutes to attend to some other business. When he came back the trunk had vanished. The only thing left that resembled it was a new trunk, with labels worn past decipherment, but much smarter than his own weather-beaten one. At the suggestion of an official, who thought that he must be mistaken, he tried his key in the lock, and oddly enough, the trunk flew open. But the traveller, hardened case as he was, blushed to the eyebrows when he saw the contents. He had trespassed upon the sacred details of a bride's trousseau, unmistakeable in its newness.

Just when the cbief porter had finished chuckliDg over the shock that someone else was probably getting in another direction, a cab drove furiously up to the station, and two ladies got out in a state of excitement mingled with confusion. One of them hastened to explain that her stupid cabman had taken away a trunk, the lock of which responded to her key, but — cr — cr — when she had opened it she had found goods that didn't belong to her, and, anyhow, it was found to bear a man's address. An exchange of trunks was quickly made, and each party went its several way, and the traveller is still speculating as to the probable feelings of the bride when she laid out his trunk and discovered, in place of the splendid bridal raiment, sundry suits of pyjamas, and other distinctly nonfeminine articles of attire.j „„•-.

There's magic in the terminal " Ist " now-a-days. As an illustration, a good story comes from sleepy Nelson. Une of the streets there is called Bronti-street. Not long ago, a new directory came out. In printing the address of one of the residents, the hyphen was accidentally omitted, so that the name appeared as " Brown, John, iJrontist." The consequence to Brown was the receipt; of several letters from intending patients, who thought that in all probability a " brontist" was just the* sort of person who would be likely to treat their complaints. What a chance for Brown, if he had been that sort of quack !

It doesn't pay to joke with a solemn Government Department. One man down South tried it a little while ago and fell in. A schedule for sheep returns was sent to him. He happened to own only a pet lamb, but he put it down and forwarded thereturn, expecting that the broad grin with which he posted it would be reflected by the '' Department fellow " by whom the paper was opened. He was mistaken. The " Department fellow " remembered that every sheep-owner is liable to a sheep tax of 2s a hundred, and the next mail brought the joker a demand for two lovely shillings. The grin was on the other side of his mouth then. This year the family pet lamb ranks as a billy-goat.

In a Waikato town there is an undertaker who vows vengeance upon someone — he doesn't yet know who. The other evening a message came to him by telephone that there had been a " gashly " suicide in town, and that the police required him to make a coffin of g^iven dimensions in double-quick time and deliver it that night. Getting together his staff and his toolsj he burned midnight oil over the job. Well on into the small hours he wiped the honest . sweat from his brow, and carted his handiwork round to the police-station. "What on earth is this for P" asked the watch-housekeeper. "Why, for the man who committed suicide tonight." answered the industrious artisan. " But, my dear fellow," said the policeman, "he isn't dead yet, and isn't likely to be. Someone's been pullirig your leg badly." There is consequently a coffin to let on reasonable terms, and an indignant undertaker is looking, round with a hatchet for the joker who ordered it.

Suggestive extract from the report of the proceedings of a northern county council : "To promote drjrnesa in the Council chamber drainage was recommended." Aa if anything waa required to make the debates of any county council "dryer" than they ordinarily are. Any "wetness" that can be observed usually occurs after the business i« over.

An up-country clergyman las a grievance. The other day he slipped on an orange peel, or something of the kind, at the door of the local post office, and his pathetic sprawl upon the verandah was noted with interest, not to say amusement, by several passers-by. As though this blow to his dignity was not enough, the local paper reports the occurrence, and gravely assures its readers that the rev. gentleman was quite sober. "What he now wants to know is whjr this certificate of character was considered necessary. There is an old storyabout the mate of a vessel who recorded in the log, as a matter of moment, " Captain sober." Such a note ia, however, hardly called for in tlie case of a clergyman.

An up -north paper sadly observes that someone who promised to supply it with a report of the local Masonic ball had failed, after a week's grace, to fulfil his contract. If, now. it were a licensed victualler's ball, tnero -would be some luminous reflections from the cold- tea party. But a Masonic ball, now-a-days, ought to give no grounds for moralising.

A book is kept in a certain Auckland district timber mill for records of mishaps to the employees, in view of the possibilities of lawsuits under compensation claims. The otker day, the new foreman came into tiie office to give the chief clerk particulars of an accident that had just happened. Bill Smith had dropped a beam on his foot, and though the consequences were not serious, it was considered worth while to note the particulars, just in case. Everything weat down in the book smoothly enough till the clerk, said "Now we come to the column for remarks." "Weil, sir," said the foreman, "I think we'd better leave" that out. You see, thelog came down on Bill's pet corn. Ii ■ jrqu only knew Bill, you 'wouldn't expect .his remarks to be fit to go down- on paper," Ainyhow, they ; wef<j not put down, .. .. ■ ?!.•"■.■"■'. - ;; '''••' ..■■>■ '-.'.;■'..