THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 38, 8 June 1907, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

QUITE a dozen members of a certain gentleman's club which has its quarters not; a hundred miles from Shortland-street are wearing a particularly subdued and submissive appearance this week. Their customary style of dashing . hilarity, of " who the devil cares " jocularity, has disappeared, and, in its place, they have taken on a quiet and disciplined demeanour that is more in accordance with the recognised traditions of wellordered club society. It is not our "desire to disclose the disagreeable secrets of this exclusive circle, but the episode that has brought about the improved manners of certain members of the club is a topic of free discussion in the city, and therefore we make no apology for referring to it.

One night last week, the club invited a professional billiard player to entertain it with an exhibition of his skill, and on this auspicious occasion each member was privileged to invite a couple of friends. We refrain from entering into detail for obvious reasons. Suffice it to say that the behaviour of some of the members was what might be described as noisy and loud, that the style of conversation was occasionally luridly indelicate, and that an average footbali club would carry itself at its annual smoke concert with more dignity and decorum. Also, some of the club property was treated with a boisterous disregard of the limit allowed even to gentlemen on the spree.

It must not be supposed for one moment that the committee had any sympathy with the display. On the contrary, it exertedits authority in a most exemplary manner. One member was asked for his resignation, certain others had their liquor supply stopped, and a further half-dozen were warned that they must behave themselves foi the future and are now on probation. And all this happened in a gentlemen's club which is supposed to be governed by the usages of good ■ociety. No wonder that the majority of the members are confessing to a sense of shame, through no fault of their own, while the others have adopted the admonished air of culprits as they step within the sacred and almost forbidden portals of the club.

The cable informs us that there is not much demand for New Zealand butter in London. This is fortunate at the present momenr, when the Hon. R. McNab is looking for a suitable substitute for soft-soap with the farmers. Butter is very oleaginous.

W. J. Napier has been carpeting the Government for charging the Devonport people a threepenny fee for using the telephone. The dailies sagely remark that, as a result of William J.s representation the charge is practically certain to be abolished. There is no "practically" about it. Also, there is no allusion to the exertions of Mr Reimers in the same direction. William's Napoleonic attitude is enough to cause the haughtiest Government in the world to bow the head to his commands. Beside?, William is an authority.

••You are strong, mighty William," the Government said — " From our threepenny charge we'll desist ; For there's nought that can stand 'gainst the power of the hand, Ot the Emperor William's mailed fist."

The people of the whole colony are being charged with the cost of providing cheap fish for Wellington, furnished by the Government trawler. In Auckland, however, where fish c warm in the harbour waters, the people must continue to submit to dear fish , because the Government objects to trawler?, and insists upon the fish being caught one at a time by hook and line.

Has anjone noticed the halo of added dignity that has enveloped the Supreme Court jurors this week ! An incident that happened the other day accounts for it. A couple of the good men and true wished to retire from court to quench a raging thirst, or something of that kind, and Mr Justice Denniston approved. But the bluecoated guardian angel of juries was not so well pleased, and showed it in the brusque way in which he called upon the pair to follow him. The judge noted the tone, and was prompt in interposing. " You don't seem to understand," he said, " that these gentlemen are practically my colleagues in this court — that it is they who have to decide the rights and wrongs of the case.", and that whatever respect is due to me ought also to be paid to them." The official nearly scraped his nose on the floor in the salaam with which he then bowed the jurors out of court. And that explains why this week's jurymen, " the colleagues of the judge, if you please," are coropoiting themselves with such a self-conscious air.

Is Gray Dixon now among the prophet?, or the apostles, or the other authorities whom ecclesiastical gentlemen delight to quote ? The question is not frivolous. It is one that has been asked by numbers of people in town since they learned from Saturday's Star that the subject of the Sunday sermon to the faithful flock of St. David's was to be " A Message from the Rev. Gray Dixon." After all, why shouldn't the Rev. Gray write as interesting an epistle as Paul, or Peter, or anyone else ?

It may be some consolation to the Auckland footballers who have been prevented from joining the proposed professional team for England to know that it is not such a good thing that they have missed after all. Any rate, George Dixon, who managed the AllBlack team, says so, and nobody ought to know better than he. Mr Dixon shows that a professional team can have no international matches, which were the principal source of revenue to the All-Blacks, and that on the average of the county matches they will do well if they clear from the tour as much as £1000, to divide amongst the twenty - eight men and their guarantors. And as even this is problematical the men who felt tempted will probably now feel thankful to the New Zealand Union for saving them from themselves.

It has fallen to the lot of the merchants, manufacturer?, and property owners of San Francisco to check and remedy the corruption that has reigned in that city for some years under labour government. As things have been going in New Zealand, also under labour government, it is more than probable that the services oi the mer» chants, manufacturers, and property owners, as well as the farmers, will eventually be called upon to a similar end.

The half-dozen Parnell gentlemen who helped the coroner to sift out the facts of the Kitchen plague case were nothing if not thorough. Someone had told them of a Pevonport case in which a person who had, like the unlucky Miss Kitchen, lately bad a tooth extracted, was thereafter seized with 'dreadful pains in his internal economy, and, like some other people, harboured a suspicion that dental trouble lay at the bottom of his torture. It was nothing that the doctors protested that this matter was irrelevant to the matter under investigation. The zealous jurors wanted to get to the bottom of it, and they did. But when it came to be summed up, it turned out that the suspicious illness was nothing worse than a "tummyache," brought on by an over-in-dulgence in meat-pies on the racecourse. A merciful daily press has drawn a veil over the wild-goose chase, but the facts hare, nevertheless, leaked out.

Near New Plymouth there lives a crusty old bachelor, to whom children and childishness are an abomination. Not long ago, as he drove homeward in the cool of the evening, he overtook a lady who was carrying a baby. Innate chivalry made him offer her a life, but it was on the strict condition that " there was to be no baby tatk." To be sure, the lady promised. Within five minutes, however, habit asserted itself, and she found herself addressing her little charge about the pleasantness of his "ridy-pidy," and more iv the same dialect. This was enough. The driver squirmed and pulled upon the reins, anil, as his horse stopped, he sarcastically reminded the lady that under their agreement it was up to her to resume her " walky-palky." And he drove off and left her to her own reflections upou the uncouthness of solitary male humanity.

The Stir fell into a very simple error when it described the late George Leiteh as the comedian notable for his representation of the Key. Robert Spalding in " The Private Secretary." Twenty years ago, when George Leiteh — whose real name, if we remember aright, was George Leiteh Walker — was in his prime, tnere were two adaptations current in these parts of a certain foreign farcical comedy, which satirised the namby-pamby type of curate. Messrs MacMahon and Leiteh held the rights of one version, entitled " The Librarian," in which Mr Leiteh appeared as the Key. Kohert Sparerib, and in the other, " The Private Secretary," Frank Thornton played the ridiculous curate, who was dubbed the Key. Kobert Spaldirig. The two plays were amongst the stock favourites of colonial playgoers for years. Afterwards Mr Leiteh was concerned in a speculation for the production of a gorgeous New Zealand melodrama, called "The Land of the Moa," in which the principal scene was set amidst the wonders of Rotorua, with steaming and spouting geysers qn an elaborate scale. The venture, contrary to expectation, was not a brilliant financial succe&s.

Back in the 'eighties Mr Loitch, with his partner, James Macmahon — still amongst us as one of the Macmahon brothers, providores of melodrama — fought a libel action against the Wellington Evening Post, then edited by the famous E. T. Gillon, which created some stir at the time. After one of their tours of the colony the two partners went on a trip to the Islands. Upon this faot the Post based a paragraph that was considered to reflect upon the credit of the firm, and on their return they instituted an action for damages. A Wellington jury interpreted the paragraph in the same way as the plaintiffs, and gave them fairly substantial solatium. It is about the only instance in which the Pott, though always a vigorously con* ducted paper, ever " fell in." 7- r

The chairman of the social committee of the Auckland Young Men's Christian Association has been strongly recommending the introduction of a billiard table and the extension of the refreshment department. This sounds significant. Billiards and — what 1 it surely cannot be' that, anticipating the departure of Dr Knight, the V.M.C.A. intends to apply fora club license. If so, Sir Joseph Ward ought to sternly set bis face against the proposal. Really, in the wildest flights of our imagination* it never occurred to as that we would be required to call the V.M.C.A. to order. Anyhow, in the interests of temperance, some restraint must be placed even upon Christian Endeavour.

The incident at St. Patrick's Cathedral a few weeks ago, wheu a bridegroom tarried so long through a misunderstanding between himself and the best man that the bride got to the church first, and was reduced, through suspense, to a weepful condition before he arrived, is paralleled by an Invercargill story. In the southern instance, the bride and parsons had the same weary wait in the vestry as the Auckland ones, and again the groom came not. When he did turn up, perspiring and breathless, it was explained that he had been away to the distant suburb where his bride lived, under the impression that, etiquette notwithstanding, he had been expected to call and bring her to the altar.

This, however, was not the only mishap to the wedding party. When the parties were placed in array for the ceremony, the forgetful man discovered that he had omitted to provide himself with the necessary license. Again the bride and her attendants retired to the vestry, and the groom posted off in a cab to the Registrar's office. That official happened to be away at luncheon, and when he was waited upon at home he declined to be parted from bis victuals till be had done them justice, and the worried groom had to cool his heels until the official appetite had been satisfied. Finally, the precious document was signed and issued, and when the bride and her friends had been brought almost to pulp . with anxiety and hunger the groom got back to the church, and the hymeneal knot^was' securely tied.

Two more individuals have been prevailed upon to take up workers' cottages at Ellerslie. The Government are hoping against hope that the other five bouses will be occupied, in whichevent the splendid success of the Government policy will be proclaimed. Why not offer free beer as a further inducement to likely tenants ?

The Southland Farmers' Union is demanding that £1000 a year should be paid to the Leader of the. Opposition. No use passing resolutions of that kind. W; F. Massey, being a disinterested and philanthropic individual, with both eyes closed to selfinterest, would decline to accept £1000 a year if it were offered to him. We are sure he would. Did he not refuse the addition to the honorarium when the members increased their own pay to £300 per annum ? We are not prepared to say that he continues to refuse it. Probably he did it only once. Eventually, of course, even a 'disinterested and philanthropic politician may become reconciled to an increase of pay.

Now that the sweated industries exhibit from England has proved such a draw to the colony, it is seriously proposed to send to England a sweated employers' exhibit. Mr Arthur Rosser, J. P., and member of the Conciliation Board, will be asked to act as travelling showman, and describe the horrible examples.

According to his own assertion in the Star, Dr Bakewell has bidden a last long farewell to publicity in the Press This will be read with regret by the large number of readers who had come to look forward with interest to the veteran doctor's articles. Now these readers will have to fall back upon the opinions of P. A. Vaile, " Pro Bono Publico," " Constant Reader," and other alleged literary individuals. Perhaps the mixed company in which he found himself had something to do with the doctor's retirement, but anyway it will be interesting to see whether he will adhere to the resolution he has formed. The doctor complains that people do. not appreciate him. Ihere, however, he is wrong,' for it is safe to say that his articles were very widely read, and the absence of these articles will form a blank which will be very hard to fill.

Hon. George Fowlds says that nolicense has been a success in Invercargill. So also has the locker system. However, George knows nothing of the locker system. His associates do not carry keys of whisky-stocked cupboards in unlicensed hotels. George ought to get outside the atmosphere of sanctity and cold tea for an evening in Invercargill, and he would learn something.

Some philanthropic gentleman who keepß a country store has lately been advertising in the Star for "a single man, able to kill and dress meat and make himself generally useful, drive mail coach, and milk a cow. Wages, 30s and found." But the cream of this ad. lies in the latter part of it, wherein the advertiser, in a burst of confidence, remarks that an energetic and willing young man will find this an "easy place. * The question is whether that energetic and willing young man, having duly killed and dressed the meat, and driven His Majesty's mail coach, and milked the cow, and made himself generally useful, will have much time left to be easy in. Judging irom the advertisement, that young man will require to be very energetic and willing to earn his 30a a week and found.

Misguided people who are in the habit of being out after dark will please take warning from the sad fate which befel John Gibson in the Police Court last week. According to the Star, John was fined 20s and costs "for driving in Green Lane Road after sunset." Only that and nothing more. Whether Green Lane Road is a republic all in its little self, and makes its own laws, does not appear. But certainly this law appears to be rather strict. Paul Hansen runs his cars after sunset, and nobody seems to think of running Paul in. But perhaps the Star, in an unusual fit of absentmindedness, omitted to state that John Gibson was driving without lights. Of course, a small detail like that is hardly worth mentioning.

Two ardent sportsmen, who are not altogether unknown locally, sallied forth one day last week with the tixed intention of killing something. Fired with this noble instinct — so inherent in the race — they travelled far afield, and came at last into those pastures which are situated 18,000J miles from Mahurangi. Although the sun was not very warm, the ardent sportsmen had a plentiful supply of no less ardent spirits. Consequently, before the sun had sunk to rest behind the nearest mud-heap, one of the ardent sportsmen had developed an attack of sunstroke. To add to his sufferings, it was requisite and necessary that he should clamber into a buggy drawn by a frivolous and unsympathetic horse. While ascending to his perch, the suastricken sportsman succeeded in slipping, and managed to damage one arm to such an extent that he was conveyed to the nearest hostelry. Here his arm was nicely bandaged up, and he was tucked into his little bed for the night.

Then his fellow sportsman was seized by an inspiration. Stealthily creeping to the bedside of his stricken comrade, who was then in a sound sleep, be removed the bandage from his afflicted comrade's arm, and carefully wrapped it round the same afflicted comrade's leg. Then he discreetly retired. But in the morning there were sounds of lamentation from the invalid's room, and the misguided jokist set out to find the reason. "What's the matter?" he enquired. " Oh, Lord !" groaned his stricken mate; "My leg! my leg ! I hurt it last night, and I can't move it this morning." " Hold on a minute," said the base jokist, "I'll g 0 and get a doctor." Forthwith he departed, and, imparting the joke to a friend whom he met downstairs, the said friend consented to act the part of the doctor. Entering the sufferer's room, the "doctor" removed the bandage from the invalid's lee, to an accompaniment of groans. " There you are," said the doctor, triumphantly; "it's healed up already. Not a mark. Marvellous constitution you must have I" Then the convalescent sportsman, rejoicing greatly, returned to town, and, after a judicious interval, his friend let him into the joke. He smiled a sweet, wan smile, and reached for a brick.

There is a good deal of sniggering over a paragraph which has been running round the papers recording a testimonial given by one of the Sydney judges to the general straightness of his brethren of the legal profession. It recalls a story with which Frank Lincoln used to raise a laugh when he was giving his entertainments in Anckland It was to the effect that an American lawyer named Cyrus Strange, when on his death-bed, asked that the inscription upon his tombstone should be simply in the words, " Here lies an honest lawyer." Someone expostulated that that would not be definite enough. •• Oh, yes it will," said the dying humourist ; anyone who comes along will be sure to say when he reads it : " « Here lies an tonest lawyer.' That's strange."

There has been an Anglo-Chinese war raging in Petone. Up till a couple of months ago, the wily Chows had held undisputed sway over all the fruit ahops. Then a child-like and bland European came along and set up opposition. The leading local Chow was aghast at such tampering "with the rights of hard-working aliens Sauntering over to the establishment of the presumptuous " Blitisher," the Chow made the unwise remark : " No good you start. Me give you thlee months close up." The presumptuous " Eulopean " smiled a sweet smile, and suggestively trifled with a hard-look-ing turnip, so the Celestial left hurriedly. The white gentleman began the war by marking his prices at the same figure as John's. Johannea promptly retorted by making a general reduction of one penny. Then down went the European's prices with a bang, and Johannes immediately went one better. The guerilla warfare went on for weeks, until one morning the Petone people woke to find that John had put his shutters up and surrendered. The tony Petoniana were fruitivorous creatures while the war lasted.