THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 37, 1 June 1907, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

SEVERAL of Auckland's learned counsel were in tribulation at the Supreme Cqurt .last Mon■day. ; r They had the temerity to be present 1 - in xsooirt while the learned Judge was delivering the charge to, the Grand J*iry, which was an unmistakeable breach of good legal manners, if not a really capital offence; It Untrue', ihey were not arrayed' in wig and gown,., and they appear to have presumed that they were, consequently, invisible to the judicial eye, that being one of the many little fictions in which the Law (capital L) delights, there is a natural eye, atid tßere is a" judicial eye, just as there is a personal knowledge, and aljo. an official knowledge,-though very often it is difficult to believe in the existence of the latter at all.

; The learned and vigilant Judg seems to' have got his natural eye mixed up with bis judicial optic, or vibe versa, and his natural eye saw the learned counsel, in spite of their being destitute of wig and gown— saw them in all their nakedness, and the judicial eye, in some mysterious way, became affected with what was clearly perceptible to the natural eye, and dilated with' unspeakable horror at the outrage. Over what followed it is well to draw a kindly veil. Those counsel, however, now walk the solemn corridors of the awful Supreme Court in a limp— one of them with a most pronounced limp — and listless manner, and the judicial eye has resumed its usual severely benign aspect.

The _ other . day .the Herald _ mada mention of a lamp from Palestine such as was carried by the ten. virgin?. Of course the Serald, from its associations, should "be an- -authority \on matters Biblical, bat will it be kind enough to point out the evidence, Biblical or otherwise, that thefe "were ever ten actual virgins who carried lamps? Sundry Sunday-school scholars are waiting with breathless interest for the answer.

Poultry Expert Hyde says that poultry farming could be made to solve the problem*' *• What to do with 'our Soys." First catch your boy. At the present tine, as a Wellington business man once observed, when boys leave school they seem to vanish into, thin air; The \genus .puer appears to be about as extinct as the pterodactyl. If you met with a moa, or dodo, or such, The meeting might fill you with joy, But I'm willing to swear tho' a moa is rare Why, 'tis not half so rare as a boy.

Is it absolutely necessary for the Press Association to telegraph the utterances of every clerical carpetbagger who comes along ? Last Sunday some Yankee wind-bag occupied the pulpit of a Wellington Wesleyan church and proceeded to cast strictures on the morals of the windy, city. The Press Association promptly telegraphed the news throughout the length and breadth of the colony. If the Ass. is hard up for news, surely, at least, it could find something more exciting than this. For instance, Mr John Payne proposed the toast of " The Press " at the Technical School shivoo, and the Star dismisses the fact with a single line, while the unappreciative Herald never mentioned it at all. Surely, it is only right and proper that the Press Association should give other centres the benefit of Mr John Payne's utterances. It would be a treat for the tradesmen.

Mount Eden people are rebelling against the name of their model district being identified with that of His Majesty's boarding house. The inmates' of the said boarding house, by the way, don't appear to object to being identified with the Mount Eden, people. Probably they are not at all proud. However, why not change the, name Of the district instead of the name of the gaol ? H 6w, for instance, would Nicholsonville do ? Surely, it would be apropos. «•. ••» ••»

Some folk are hard to please, and Captain McKellar, of the Kaikoura, is one of them. The gallant captain has complained to the Harbour Board that the time-ball is not in working order. But, surely, if the skipper wants to know the time, he can ask a policeman, or take a nice little walk up Queen-street and consult the Exchange clock. The time-ball is not meant for use — it is purely an ornament, like the powder hulk, and the nrefloat, and a few other things which the Harbour Board has furnished in order that a captious public may look upon them with awe. In the words of the immortal Shakespeare : — " If you want to know the time, Ask a policeman, For to criticise is crime, Says the policeman. Tho' the time-ball doesn't gee, - Don't annoy the A.H.B. , ' Vi they'll give. you, don ? t you see. To a policeman." ':'<•• — •«•

From all accounts, ., a nice little drama with a considerable amount of comedy was played out recently- in a local church. It was at a wedding, and the principal characters, were, the blushing bride, the" brilliant bridegroom—a. gentleman who tacks the prefix VBev." on to his. name— -and the bold best man. At the close of the execu ; — ceremoiiyi r thie bold; best man stepped for wara with the usual ; beneficent : intention -of exercisingrhis .., .prior- claim • to yl aalute > J -;the'<^*ride/ ; -by imprinting ;a 'ychjSktei^kißaP- '-.on;.lier blushing ■■; i^iW^re-v iipons t]\e .clerical ■^K^^rbotifl^: \*jg£ ■ ; J ytoentl^^ actuated ■^11^'''^$ffi^i$i£ green-eyed Ist, and; imprintedf^ hiird? smack"on the couaitona,nce pMheibold. Ibi^ifvvl^manf^a^P ; was indeed a -fat*l iredditi^ ' people are wondering whence arose the: fury of the bridegroom at the best man's very usual proceeding. But. on ; ; '^atj?pJ|D|: history is Bflent^ . . , K s$

According to a recent Gazette, the Auckland Harbour Board states that there is an acceleration of the flood tide, causing vessels to swing suddenly in towards the wharf. What is the omnipotent W. J. Napier about, that he allows the elements to do this sort of thing? Apparently, Father Neptuue.or some other ridiculous person objects to the ferro-concrete piles, and is trying, to crush them. It's not a bit of good. They have been'stamped with the approval of experts like George. George and W. J. Napier, therefore neither strong tides, nor hurricanes, nor cyclones, nor pestilences, nor famine, nor septicaemia can crush them ; so. why try ?

♦' •» *». Ada Ward, the ex-actress, who has lately been giving hysterical addresses at Ballarat, has, like most itinerant evangelists, a keen eye to the main chance. The divine Ada prides herself on her humility, but that has not prevented her from amassing a considerable sum of money by her hysterical effusions. In fact, it is not altogether improbable that Ada's "conversion" was prompted by monetary considerations. It is clear that even the Ballarat Methodists, who took up the cause of the suffering Ada. have been regretting their precipitation ever since. Ada has lately been pulverising a reverend gentleman of the name of Hughes. She says that! the said Hughes spends hours in his dressingroom before the glass titivating himself up before he goes} to his church. But howdid'AdalcaraHhisl; /

A party j-pt Hamiltonianß were solemnly shaking thdr headsiihe other day ojser thei y buthiQf The laziness mispbieyousness and general uselessness of the boy of toY- day, aa^brnpstteclv jwith^the industry qi ther^goidd^ld^ys'v^camW itfforvfiome soathing^dmtin^nts^: There cobqp^ny^^6trej&r^dJ „h,is^sfce)foti;v^d^ ;j»fevelr«"%siM;r^^ i 3Jhea up he^rpse to cap th^c<mplMnts j^^^bifcwneigh'b^^ ■; asKed^bjnteSHttt^ tih&^^^jrej^pifStiniiei^ Itpokthe jo^jJjt^S^ii^^(nj^ found them a hare, and gave them |be beat ran v pf the Beaßon.''^ That man remembered that he had once beep «

The woman with a conscience has turned up at Napier. She has sent two shillings in stamps to the Mayor, and asked him to send it to the Besses o' th. Barn management, because her daughter was allowed by the doorkeeper to pass in on her assurance that her mother, who was behind in the crowd, would pay for her, and the mother did uot become aware of the promise until after the band had left town. By the way, there were some hundreds of Aucklanders who got over the feuce of Victoria Park during the Besses' open air performance because the men n.t the gates had not time to take their money. As yet, however, we haven't seen any evidence that their consciences are troubling them muchly.

Wedged in among the various horrors in the '' Star " supplement on a recent Saturday was a yarn to the effect- that Sir Hector Macdonald is still alive and is in the centre of China. A veracious correspondent tells how Sir Hector was driving Celestial troops in .European iasuion at .Nan-King. This correspondent adds that Sir Hector was clean shaven. JNow we know where Major G. "W. S. Patterson has got to. It was no Sir Hector whom tnis correspondent saw — it was the genial and clean-shaven G.W.S. filling in his intervals oi: search for uncooked oil-nuts by showing the Chinese army a thing or two. For this relief much thanks. We thought that the genial Major had gone never to return.

The free and easy colonial is liable to be taken aback by the rigid discipline enforced in the King's Nayee. A Southern youth, having aspirations to become a second Beresford, signed on to H.M.S. Pioneer. Having duly sworn to serve his country henceforth and for ever more, he casually " reckoned he would go home for a couple of days' ' to pack up his clothes and get his socks darned', and kiss a last long farewell to the family cat and the rest of his weeping relatives. He reckoned without his superior officer however. That gold-laced individual sternly informed the budding Nelson that he (the budding Nelson) was now one of His Majesty's boys of the bull-dog or fox terrier breed, and to go home was out of the question. For one awful moment, the Bang's Navee was threatened with mutiny, but finally the budding Nelson decided to allow the f amily cat to remain unkissed and to darn his socks himself. Therefore, our first line of defence may still be considered impregnable.

A philanthropic spirit seized a number of Thames people a^few days ago, but was cruelly thwarted". Someone offered a prize rooster for sale at an auction room, and announced that the proceeds were to go to the hospital funds. The purchaser, not to be outdone in generosity, put the bird up for sale afresh, also for the benefit of the hospital. And so the kindly game went on, until over 30s had been amassed, and either the spare coin of the bidders or the lungs or the auctioneer had been exhausted. But that rooster had not finished his carreer as a money-raiser. His latest owner advertised him for sale again on a later day, and in a different auctionroom. As the word had been passed round, half the Thames mustered, with their spare silver jingling in their pockets, prepared to splash it repeatedly in the hospital interests.

But, alas, there waa one meanspirited person in the room. At the very first offering, the bird was knocked down to him for a modest eighteenpence. No one thought of running him up to a fair value, owing to the belief that the bird would come round again and again. But this person, a Parawai resident, had got an absurdly good bargain, and he was not disposed to forego it. Philanthropy and public spirit be blowed ! And, as he carried off his prize, a roomful of biggerhearted people resolved that the champion mean man of the district, for whom they had been looking for more than twenty years, had been discovered at last.

A female of uncertain age, who had the doubtful pleasure of being a Christian Endeavourer, recently made a pilgrimage into town from the backblocks. At the boarding-house upon which she bestowed her patronage there were two young men of a meek and mild cast of countenance. In the course of an after-dinner chat, these two youths discovered that the lady was a Christian Endeavourer. " Look here," said one, " there's a meeting on just round the corner. Would you like to go ?" Straightway that female, with a lady companion, departed for the hall wl}ich had been pointed out by the guileless youths as the Christian Endeavour meeting place. On approaching the building, they heard vague sounds of scuffling inside, accompanied by words which, to say the least of them, were not Christian. They appealed to a passer- by, and the mystery was explained. Those guileless youths had sent them to the training; shed of the district football club, and the club was practising.

The action of T. M. Wilford, the Wellington lawyer, in " giving a bit of bis mind" to the jurors at the conclusion of the Paget trial muse have come as rather a surprise to those who know the discreet " Tom." For Mr Wilford is one of the most experienced " criminal " lawyers in Wellington. He first came into considerable prominence as counsel for the defence in the famous trial of Bosher, the murderer of Mr and Mrs Jones, of Petone, in 1897. Bosher was without funds, and the Government entrusted his defence to Mr Wilford. The defending counsel had an uphill fight, for the evidence against Bosher was overwhelming. Mr Wilford, however, managed to put in some brilliant cross-examination, and his speech for the defence was a masterpiece, and must have occupied considerably over two hours in delivery. The evidence against the accused was too strong, however, and Bosher was duly hanged. Since then, Mr Wilford's rise has been rapid, and he is now M.U.K. for Hutt. By the way, Tom was once a crack sprinter, and is still a good, all-round sport, although nowadays he does his sprinting by motor car.

A painfully proper and churchy family, living in the Mmawatu district, got a second-hand gramaphone and a lot of religious records the other day. The family and some friends gathered round on the first evening of its performing, which was a Sabbath, and their pious souls were charmed with " Lead, Kindly Light," " Abide With Me," "The Old Hundredth," " Ora Pro Nobis," etc., etc. Then suddenly a tune issued forth that was both strange and awful to them. They Buffered it manfully till the chorus — •' Pat Malone forgot that he was dead " — arrived. Then there was a crash and a flare, and Pat Malone went up the chimney in a lurid name.

The story recalls anobher, which is told by an Aucklander who remembers the ministrations of the kindly Bishop Selwyn in these parts. Before the days when harmoniums and American organs were as plentiful as kitchen dressers the good Bishop was holding service in the house of a settler who was the proud possessor of a barrel organ that was warranted to grind out certain 9iock items of church melody. The owner offered his instrument for use in the service, and the offer was delightedly accepted. The machine was supposed to be fixed for action in its most devotional vein, and the Bishop announced, at the regular place in the service, the hymn, "Sun of My Soul." The organ man stood to his instrument, and began the preliminary playing of the tune. To his own horror, however, and that of the congregation, the strains of " Pop Goes the Weasel " pealed through the room.'

Something had gone wrong with tbe adjustments, and the flippant tune could not be switched off. That was not all, for, before the operator could get round to the sacred music again, it was necessary to work through the records of " Patrick's Day in ; the Morning," and one or two other selections that wejte not exactly religious

getting an instrumental accompaniment was so rare in those days that the congregation, rather than lose it, patiently endured the little entertainment. Those who were present say that it was the most unconventional church service they ever took part in.

T. Gresham will have to look to his laurels. One of the southern coroners is evidently quite a capable comedian. Interrogating a medical witness in a motor car accident case, this hilarious individual asked: "Where was the deceased struck ?" "At the junction of the dorsal and cervical vertebrae," replied the sawbones. Then the jocular coroner rose to a sublime height. " Will you please point that out on the map ?" he asked, indicating one that hung on the wall. Then, presumably, the couTt roared. But we feel sure Thomas could do better than that. Let anybody who doubts it get run over by a motor car, and see.

Sleepy Nelson has gone ahead of other towns in New Zealand in at least one respect. It can boast the only female Jehu in the colony. The circumstance is not without its embarrassments for travellers. For,, as the lady has chosen this walk of life, and plies regularly from port to town, gallantry and their sense of humour combine to assure her plentiful patronage, but, as soon as it is given, their gallantry is shocked by bumping heavily against the problem of who is to lump the luggage to her vehicle. On the whole, that petticoated expressman has not a bad time.

When your New Zealander is a snob he does the thing thoroughly. A little incident that occurred the other da*y in one of our creamiest clubs bears upon the point; An officer in a British cavalry regiment was travelling in the colony, and was '• put up " by a friend at the club in question. One day he received a hint from an official of the club that his withdrawal from the society of its members was desired. Naturally, he asked for a reason. "Oh," replied the official, "we area bit particular out here, doneherknow, and can't have about our club a man that consorts with common -wharf labourers. You see, we must -draw the line somewhere." ..'. _ .-,;

It so happened that the officer had been seen to shake hands and converse with a man in moleskins, and afterwards to show a liking for his company. Some club bounder Jiad witnessed their meeting, and had objected to being associated with ( the friend of a " common workingychap." There was a simple enough' .explanation, but the officer didn't chooßelto give it. JJis friends, however, have done that for him. ." The-conWon working chap" was formerly a trooper in the officer's regiment, and, meeting him 16,000 miles away from home, the officer naturally overlooked; -:*all distinction of rank and fortune, the two forgathered. Tbey. still vidr-v gather whenever they . meet, fend She objection to the traveller's cluo membership has been laughed out of court. His, opinioir of^icolojaiial .Bnobbery, l: