THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 35, 18 May 1907, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

EARNEST students of the classical columns of the Herald might have run across an unostentatious little personal par the other day, which par drew the Empire's awed attention to the fact that the newly - appointed Chief Land Surveyor to the City Council is a son-in-law of the Coroner. It is not so long ago that Mr T. Gresham's son was appointed Scaffold Inspector for this favouied district. From which it would appear that Mr T. Gresham, with a self-denial which ia little short of sublime in its intensity, is occupying his spare moments in taking good care of the interests of his family. But perhaps the more recent appointment was only a coincidence. As far as we know, Mr McFarlane may be an eminently suitable man for the position.

Certain unspeakable critics cynically assert that Mr T. McFarlane only passed his examination about 14 months ago? Even if this is true, is he not son-in-law to the Coroner? Is such a qualification as this to be lightly thrown aside? What, if among the sixteen applicants for the position, there were men of wide experience both locally and in the larger Australian cities, beside whose claims those of Mr T. McFarlane fade into insignificance ? Does this outweigh the fact that Mr T. McFarlane is son-in-law to Mr T. Gresham ? Perish the thought ! What if the Streets Committee, instead of, as previously arranged, dealing with the applications themselves, passed the batch on to City Engineer Bush to select six ? The fact that Mr T. McFarlane was chosen as one of the six surely proves that, in spite of the allegations of the worms, he is a fit and proper person for the job.

Some people are difficult to satisfy. Dr Stopford has had several .patients as the result of the five o'clock tramcar rush, and now he wants the rush stopped. Presently, we shall have Dr Moir objecting to undertake any more two-guinea post mortems, at the instance of the coroner.

Stated in the newspaper correspondence columns that there are 10,000 fewer Wesleyans in New Zealand than there were six years ago. Several writers have asked in vain for the reason. The explanation unquestionably is that the Wesleyan pulpits have been given over to NoLicense propaganda instead of the teaching of Christianity. Devout Wesleyans tire eventually of a church which they attend for the purpose of divine worship, but which they find, on the contrary, devoted to the political caucus and the Prohibition harangue. The Wesleyans have got off the track.

Masterton has formed a land league because sixty-two workmen there are landless. Auckland ought to agitate for a State bank because hundreds of workmen here are moneyless.

They ran a swimming shivoo in connection with one of the girls' schools recently, and a young and ardent reporter on one of the papers was told off to write it up. Now, one of the rules governing that shivoo was that single men should not be admitted to the baths, but that married men might have the inestimable privilege of being present. The reporter, being single and thoughtless, was unaware of this sad fact, and he actually succeeded in rushing the gate before anybody objected. Then a large female with gold spectacles came along, and fixed him with her eye. "Sir," she remarked, "are you married?" " No, I'm not," replied the scribe, fervently hoping that the large female had not designs on his heart and hand. "Then you must leave," grimly returned the gorgon. " But I want to report the shiv — I mean the carnival," wailed the scribe. " Very good," said Medusa. "Af-k your office to send a married man. Miss Jones, show the gentleman out." And when that reporter bore the news to the office, every married man on the literary staff snatched up his hat and made tracks for the baths.

Did any of the present city councillors ever take the trouble to read clause 66 of the Municipal Corporations Act, 1900. This decrees that all voting in council or committee shall be open, and not by ballot. Is this honoured in the observance or in the breach ?

Nowhere could a more convincing proof of the popularity of the Hon. J. A. Millar, Minister of Labour, be found than in the triumphant success which attended the banquet given to him at fche Royal Hotel on Wednesday of last week. The junketers were representative of every grade in society, and of every shade of politics. Government supporter and Oppositionist rubbed shoulders amicably, and pledged each other in what may be described, with startling originality, as the convivial glasp. His Worship started the toasts rolling with "The Guest of the Evening." The guest of the evening didn't blush — he's been too long in politics for that, but he smiled demurely as the Mayor enunciated sweet somethings concerning their guest. Then the guest of the evening rose, and it has been said by people who have never gone fishing in their lives, that the applause which followed his rising could be heard distinctly as far away as the Great Barrier.

The Hon. J. A. Millar is a Labour Minister, but he is not a laboured speaker. He dispenses with the usual oratorical fal-lalo, and says what he means with simple directness. Punctuation was frequent, and it was in the shape of applause (Applause hasn't got any shape, but that's a detail). By the time the speaker had finished, he had thoroughly convinced the most incredulous critic that the present Government is just exactly the kind of Government that every man wants. Then up rose N. A. Nathan, and a winning tongue had he. To him was allotted the task of proposing "Pf rliament." Brevity, as Dr Bakewell tells us, is the soul of wit, aiid Mr Nathan was brief, but convincing. So what more can anybody want? .Then E. W. Alison, M.H.R., caught the Speaker's eye and enthused concerning Sir Joseph Ward's efforts at the Conference. E. W. is an Oppositionist, but you would never have guessed it. ♦ *. «. Once more it was the Hon. J. A. Millar's turn, this time to propose a toast. The toast in question was "The Prosperity of Auckland." Mr Millar took a leaf out of the McNab's book and glorified the roadless North. Then he proceeded to lightly throw figures about in endless profusion, and the reporters hitched up their cuffs and desperately cantered after their prey. F. E. Baume, M.H.R., responded. There had been a hideous rumour that Frederick was not going to speak, but this had been grossly exaggerated, and Frederick proved to be in good form. Altogether, this banquet was one of the most successful that has ever been held in Auckland, and, as such, will be handed down tojposterity.

Dr Stopford, the representative of the Labour party on the City Council, is energetic, but his energy is somewhat misapplied. Speaking of the five o'clock rush for the cars, the doctor said that the Council ought to emphasise the fact to the Tramway Company that such scenes should not occur. Of course they shouldn't, but what has the company got to do with it? If Paul Hansen supplied fifty more cars than are at present available, there would still be the same general massacre every night. A discriminating public wants to get home. Consequently, quite heedless of the opinion of Dr Stopford or any other person, it makes a desperate rush for the car which, in the natural order of thing.*, will start first. Dr Stopford may be a clever doctor, but he can't alter human nature.

Lefc Paul Hansen tremble ! The Women's Political League is on his track, and is thirsting for his gore The W.P.L. (W.P. stands, in this instance, for " Women's Political;" not " waste paper") has pointed out to the City Council that there is "an insufficiency of cars in Queen-street." Perhaps the members of the W.P.L. are humourists, and this is their latest little joke. If so, the Council have taken it quite seriously. There is a decided insufficiency of cars in Queen-street. In fact, there are no cars there at all, except by Wellesley-street. This is certainly insufficiency. Therefore, let Paul Hansen mend his ways right speedily, else will he be smitten by the wrath of the W.P.B— we mean the W.P.L., 'tis force of habit. How, for instance, would Paul like to receive a deputation from the W.P.L. ? 'T would be a sad ordeal.

A blushing bachelor, aged about 57, more or less, went and got hhnself hitched up last week. With becoming modesty, he was at great pains to keep the affair quiet, but nobody ever lived yet who could keep a wedding quiet. This blushing bachelor has, if rumour speaks correctly, a nice little nest egg of his own. Seeing chat the giddy young bachelors were swiftly annexing all the younger eligible ladies, he took heart of grace, and proceeded to appropriate one before it was too late. But the nest-egg appeared to trouble him, for when the officiating clergyman came to the words, "With all my worldly goods I thee endow," the service came to a full stop, while the blushing bridegroom glared at the clergyman. " What's that you say about worldly goods ?" he anxiously inquired. The clergyman repeated the phrase. The blushing bridegroom jibbed. He strongly objected to endowing anybody with his nest-egg. Finally, the clergyman bad recourse to Jesuitical strategy. " It's all right," said he to the blusher. "It's only a matter of form." Then the blushing bridegroom feverishly mumbled the prescribed words, and all was well. Bat it is probable that he will find that the words in question were not auich a matter of form after all.

Something like a mild scare has been created in Auckland by the circulation of the report that the death of the girl Kitchen at Parnell was due to plague. When the inquest was opened, the Health Officer expressed the opinion that it was not desirable that the jury should view the body, and since then it has transpired that there is a concensus of medical opinion that the case was one of plague. There has been no satisfactory explanation of how the disease was contracted. The body of the deceased, as was done in a former suspicious case, has been cremated, and the premises in Queen-street where she was engaged have been placed in quarantine.

Dear Observer, — In your issue of 11th inst. , you state: — "No one can discover who asked Abel Ro we to take the part of Don Caesar in ' Maritana ' for the coming production." I beg to assure you that I was asked by both the stage manager aDd conductor to play the part, and I replied in writing that I had decided not to take part in the production. — Yours truly, Abel Rowe.

At one time — and that was not so very long ago — water famines used to be the rule in Auckland, rather than the exception, and infuriated householders used to store reserve supplies in baths and buckets to guard against a probable turning off. These days have now gone. By the opening of the Waitakerei extension, which took place officially last Friday, the city will be endowed with a copious supply of the indispensable fluid known as "Adam's Ale." The turning on ceremony was performed by His Worship the Mayor, who also turned on some mellifluous oratory. It is interesting to learn that the minimum flow from Waitakerei is 1,500,000 (gallons in 24 hours. This is almost enough to have quite a respectable bath in. If not wanted for bathing purposes, it will furnish thirsty individuals with a long, cool and refreshing drink, as they say in the lemonade advertisements. After the water had been duly turned on, a most convincing lunch -was turned on. A conspicuous figure in the gathering was Sir John Logan Campbell, whose health was enthusiastically drunk — not in Waitakerei water. People may now wash in summer without misgiving.

He is an audacious lad of sixteen, employed in an insurance office in the city, and she is a girl of nineteen attached to a typewriting agency in the same building. The other afternoon, after the close of ordinary business hours, the two were observed by a second boy coming from an inner office, and, in a jocular mood, he threatened to tell the girl's employer that she was flirting. The girl's answer was tears. At that moment, the girl's employer descended the staircase, and explanations followed. The matter is now in the hands of the police, and, it is alleged, a serious allegation has been made against the lad.

A triumphant gentleman writes to the Feilding Star pointing out that the majority of responsible billets in Auckland are held by southerners. Are they? What about our Coroner? Is he a southerner? What about our Censor of Public Morals — the Cardinal ? Is he a southerner? What about our City Council controller — P. A. Vaile ? Is he a southerner ? Perish the thought ! Therefore, let the fatuous southern gentleman drink deep of the draught of degradation and consider himself crushed.

Two hardy commercial travellers recently had an experience of roughing it down by the East Cape. At the particular place where they camped, civilisation had not yet attained to its majority, and the only available accommodation was a whare, which was odoriferous with many odours. The trusting strangers sat on the floor to partake of dinner, which consisted chiefly of soup — species of same not mentioned. The household was apparently short of spoons, but the dusky host was undismayed by such a trifle. When sugar was asked for, he wiped the soup spoon on the inside of his waistcoat and handed it over for use in the family sugar basin. But, when this same gentleman began to feed himself with the family spoon, and then wiped it in the before-mentioned spot for use in the family sugar basin, the visitors were satisfied that the family spoon was doing more than its fair share of public duty, and they found that they didn't care for sugar, thank you. It is not well to be particular when one is a commercial traveller.

VV. F. Massey says that, before a man becomes Minister of Lands, be should have made a living for three years on a bush section. What constitutes the qualifications for a Premier? On this pcint W. F. Massey is silent. Perhaps because if he mentioned them he would be disqualified himself.

A few weeks ago there dawned upon Hamilton an important-looking person to whose identity, and the purpose of his visit, a certain amount of mystery was attached. At the boarding house

which he honoured with his patronage he flattered two or three people with his confidence, and gave them to understand that he was an officer of the British secret service engaged upon a mission of moment at Fiji, but temporarily retired into the privacy of the Waikato to recruit health shattered by the summer heat of the tropics. The fact that be received letters addressed to " The Hon. Captain Blank," and also that an occasional envelope addressed by him to a titled K.C. in London was seen on the smoking-room writing desk, left no doubt in the minds of his landlord or his fellow-boarders that they were entertaining a person of some consequence.

It followed as a matter of course that the " confideuces" were passed around the bouse and leaked into town, and that the emissary of the British Government received the deference due to his high official rank — to say nothing of the credit which it gave him with his landlord. As time passed on, however, and the bill for accommodation mounted up, the, boardinghouse-keeper found that the stranger was more free with his compliments than his cash, and began to press for at least " something on account." Then when inquiries came to be made from the police, they sceptically suggested doubts— so like the police — as to the absence of credentials, and began to make inquiries on their own account. The upshot was the appearance of the stylish visitor in the dock of the local court as a commonplace vagrant, lacking the ordinary means of support. In spite of his haughty address and distinguished corresponden ts — whose letters, by the way, he had himself written and dropped into the local post office — he turned out to be a recent arrival from Tasmania, without a bean, and living upon his wits.

And now the Hamiltonians who paid him deference are doubtful whether to kick hardest at themselves for their gullibility, or at the daring person who reminds them of the painful experience.

It would be interesting to learn why the Auckland City Council got the forms of application for supply of electric light printed in Dunedin. Was it out of consideration for the feelings of Mr Goodman ? But per* haps it is the City Council's idea of supporting local industry.

Taihape, the hub of the universe, waxed warm during the municipal elections. "Rag-planter" Ivess had the temerity to stand for the Mayoralty, whereupon the Taihape Post, the rival paper, promptly retaliated mildly. Said the Post :-*■ "This man, who has, without compunction, insulted and scarified the residents of Taihape with his scurrilous and shameless screeds, now poses as the Moses by which we may be led from our municipal murkiness, even allowing that darkness does exist." After this withering blast, it is little wonder that the scarifying Moses Ivess didn't get a place.

This is the story of a sweet young thing, a present of grapes, and a cartridge box. The sweet young thing, having received the grapes from a certain masculine friend, found that there was a superfluity. Therefore,, she designed to present some of: the grapes to a sweet young girl friend.: To that end, she procured from her brothei*, who was a mighty hunter, a box which had, at one time, contained, cartridges, and bore them forth lor presentation. On arrival at. the friend's bouse, however, she found that the said friend was . out } therefore, she inserted the \b6x ' through an open window and went her way. Now, it came to pass that the friend, in the fulness of time, returned. Also, she found the box* Further, she saw that the said box was marked with the legend, " Cartridges with care." Therefore, she lifted up her voice and yelled. Then came into her sundry members of the family, and they, too, saw the box and shiver^sl. f with a shiv, t f or vision 8 of . hom'b.out- "'^ rages filled their, minds... ilo^ey^ri,,^ finally one. heroic gehtlemah/,d.p«iiiad^ the box and disclosed the grapes. ' And all was gentleness and peace.