THE QUEST OF THE OYSTER.

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 34, 11 May 1907, Page 23

THE QUEST OF THE OYSTER.

A TRAGICAL TALE

FOR THE OBSERVER.

Hear, oh hear, I humbly pray you, hear the yarn I've got to tell, Bang the piano, slam the cymbals, cause the Thomas cat to yell. Hear me tell of Sophronina Meningita de la Brown, One of Rerauera's daughters — suburb of a high renown. Hear the tale of Henry Simkins — hear the tale of Edward Snook, Hear, and weep a noisy tear, sir ; hear and let me. take my hook. Out in Remuera suburb where the high patricians dwell, Sophronina lived in grandeur, and her father was a swell. He had shares in Hidden Treasures, wealth unlimited and great, He was very seldom bankrupt — only thrice, I beg to state. For the hand of Sophronina, two patricians battled hard ; One of them was Henry Simkins — he'd an interest in lard. He had eyes which glittered brightly with a cerulean green, He had hair of carrot colour — but they called it auburn sheen ; And his feet were small and shapely, for he took a number ten — And, in fact, bold Henry Simkins was the handsomest of men. But he had a hated rival by the name of Edward Snook, Who had wavy hair of purple, and an onionitic look. Edward, too, had stacks ol money, money which he'd made, you see, Out of mercantile manoeuvres — he'd an interest in tea.

Sophronina — beauteous charmer — with her Remuera grace, With her eyes of blue vermilion, and her slightly damaged face, Sophronina was the magnet for the feet of Edward Snook, Henry Simkins, too, was happy in the radiance of her look ; But they glared at one another in a fashion very neat

When they chanced to meet each other as they walked along the street.

Now one night bold Snook put on his hat and did a gentle roam

Till he came within the precincts of fair Sophronina's home. Bub he saw a fellow standing on the steps outside the door, And he found that it was Simkins, who had got there just before. Then Snook he glared at Simkins, and bold Simkins glared at Snook, And each one eyed the other with a most disdainful look. And Simkins muttered " Dash it all !" and Snook he murmured " What The dickens are you doing here?" but Simkins said, " Why not ? I seek for Sophronina just to ask her to be mine ; And I think, from all appearances, she really won't decline." Then Snook he snorted awfully and danced around like mad. He said : " Permit me just to state you've got a rat, my lad ; For Sophronina loves me with a love that will not die,

So ere my vengeance visits you, my man, you'd better fly. I bring her presents rich and rare — a box of chocolate creams, Which cost me sixpence — 'tis a sum which beats your wildest dreams. I bring her fruit — some onions sweet, some turnips, carrots, too ; She smiles upon my winning ways — she'll never smile on you ! So now, I beg, retrace your steps before your life I seek." Said Henry Sirukios : " Goodness me ! I really like your cheek ; But since my right to prior claim you rudely thus refuse, Well, it is plain we ought to let fair Sophronina choose." Bold Snook, he laughed a noisy smile, and answered : "Beit so ; Your chance is very small indeed compared with mine, you know." They went to Sophronina, and they told her why they came, They asked' her if she'd kindly choose her future wedded name. " Oh, list !" said Mr Simkins, "by the placid moon I swear, And by this box of chocolates, which is very dear and rare, And by my patent leather boots, and by my tartan tie, That if, perchance, you spurn my love, I'll promptly go and die. No task too great for me to do to win your love, I ween.

Now say, what would you have me do, my Sophronitic queen ? Oh, bid me brave the raging sea round stormy Freeman's Bay, Oh, bid me take my trusty boot a Northcote worm to slay. Or bid me sneak a load of shells from Napier's private store — Come, set me some ferocious task — I'd wade for you in gore." Then up and spoke the worthy Snook : " Oh, Sophronina mine, I ask you for your beauteous hand, so kindly don't decline ; Let Henry Simkins talk about the things he'd like to do, But I would do as much, and more, to win the hand of you. No fear have I of Northcote worms — no fear of Freeman's Bay, I'd gladly kill a Northcote worm or two three times a day. So set to me some harder task, both dangerous and dire, And say what form of bravery you happen to admire." Then Sopbronina sat awhile, and thunk a gentle think ; She -chewed a ehocoiate cream, and then she wunk a gentle wink. She said : " Now listen, Edward Snook, and Henry Simkins, too, I have a test — an awful test — which I will put to you : I ask you now to do a deed — I'm doubtful if you can,

A deed which for full many a year has ne'er been done by man — To go and seek and bring to me a treasure rich and rare, Altho' I warn you that the search , may cause you great despair. A treasure which has nob been seen for twenty years and more, A treasure which we only know from reading ancient lore. Go forth, I beg, upon your ways, forsake the beaten track And wander far in foreign lands, nor dare to venture back Until you've found this treasure rare and brought it here to me. The treasure I allude to is an oyster, don't you see, And he who first shall bring to me this treasure, understand, That he shall be the favoured one who gets my heart and hand." Then Henry Simkins started vp — his noble face was white ; Said he : " This is an awful task you've set to us this night. For years no oysters have been seen — they've vanished from the land, But yet I'll find one— who's afraid? I mean to win your hand ; And now I mean to sally out for treasure rare to look, So don't forget, you'll soon be mme — you'll ne'er be Mrs Snook." Then Edward Snook rose up in wrath, and muttered : " Let me say You'll find you've made a big mistake — for I will win the day. For far within some foreign land right doughty deeds I'll do, And fiad an oyster very soon — and now, sir, after you." Then Sophronina said farewell to Simkins and to Snook, And forth they went upon their quest for treasure rare to look. They went to Rangitoto reef, but found no oysters there ; They wandered round Mahurangi Heads, and wept in wild despair ; They went to Motutapu's shore and begged of Jimmy Reid That be would just be kind enough to help them in their need. Then spoke the Laird : "Great goodness me ! now what is this you ask?— You're looking for an oyster? — well, you've got a hopeless task. Oh, gladly would 1 help you " — and he had a kindly phiz — " But you ask me for an oyster, and I don't know what that is. I think I've heard the name sometimes, in ages long ago, But I wouldn't know an oyster if I saw one now, you know." Then Simkins raised his voice and yelled, and Snook he did a howl, Then forth again they slowly went in foreign lands to prowl. They passed the lovely Cabbage Bay, where cabbages are rare, They went to giddy Drunken Bay, but found no whisky there — Nor oysters either. Then they went to sweet Waiheke's shore. They couldn't find an oyster there — I really think they swore. For years and years they wandered on^ till suddenly one day They met a fellow coming by and heard this fellow say : •' It takes a fellow such as me — that's Albert Edward Glover — A natty little private lot of oysters to discover." Then Siiukins seized him by the throat, and drew his little knife, Said he : " Now, quick, deliver up your oysters or your life !" "My oysters !" gurgled Albert G. " Your violence I defy, For if you take my oysters — well, it's up to me to die." Then 'Simkins seized that treasure grand, and straightway took his road To where his Sophronina dwelt, and entered her abode. And Edward Snook came flying too — an oyster he had got By killing poor Frank Towsey, who possessed a little lot. But .as the pair of rivals came to Sophronina's door, They found — oh, now, prepare to weep, your pity 1 implore — For while they'd wandered far away to savage Motutapu, The fickle Sophronina went and wed another chap. 60 kindly shed a gentle tear, and with compassion look Upon poor Henry Simkins— not forgetting Edward Snook.