THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXVII, Issue 34, 11 May 1907, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

TEACHERS of " Nature Study " in the Technical School have to

hold a certificate proving that they have had practical work in various things, from insects to dairy farming. How anybody is going to get "practical work" in insects we are not told. However, as an excitable gentleman some time ago informed Mr Kettle that there were insects in the police cells, the best thing for a would-be nature student to. do is to assault the first policeman he comes across. Then he could study insects to his heart's content, and also, possibly, astronomy. Otherwise, it is hard to see how even George George, with all his genius, could solve the problem. Certainly, the Geisha crew might come in handy at a pinch.

The Star's Waiheathen correspondent, giving a resume of the hospital report says : " There have been 10 operations, but no deaths." But why " but" ? The natural inference is that the average Waiheathen operation hai a tendency to cause unpleasant results to the operatee. Would it not be as well for Dr Claridge to operate upon this Waiheaten correspondent in order to rebut the bitter insinuation cast by butting this but ?

The Japs have a fine talent for subtle flattery. One of the little brown officers, who was lately in Wellington, writing to a friend in the windy city, goes into ju-jitsucal hysterics about Wellington having the finest harbour which he ever was in. But then, this giddy flatterer was never in Auckland — had never seen Our Beautiful Harbour, and Our Powder Hulk, and Our Firefloat, and Our W. J. Napier, else he would not have thus enthused over Wellington. Wellington, forsooth ! Wait till the repmatches come on.

Those hardened sinners who, are in the habit of wooing Lady Nicotine in the recess of- the railway station had best take heed lest Nemesis overtakes them in the shape of a gentleman in blue with a suggestive piece of cerulean paper. This, at least, is the deduction to be drawn from the fate of three Wellington residents who were hauled up before the Court for the sin of defiling the Wellington station with their tobacco smoke. The average smoker has a charming habit of looking upon the legend " Smoking Strictly Prohibited " as something put up for ornament. Therefore, he smiles inanely at it and continues his career of crime. But let him take heed. His time will come.

Fond wives who are the possessors of Masonic hubbies are now gluing their ejres upon Invercargill, where the Masonic Conference is being held. Some rash Mason (presumably a bachelor) has proposed that members' wives should be admitted to installation ceremonies, and this proposition is to be discussed by the conference. Is this the thin end of the wedge ? In the near future, perhaps, wives will be admitted into the rites of Masonry. If so, time* will indeed bring its revenges. For the fond hubby will be left at home to mind the baby, while his gay Masonic wife will appropriate the latch-key and walk ofi to the lodge. It is only a giddy young bachelor like Brother Frank Whittaker who could regard this awful prospect with any degree of complacency.

A lady teacher in the South is in a quandary. She has been in the habit of walloping refractory youngsters with a cane, but some of the stern parents object. Writing to the Education Board, this puzzled teacher remarks : "1 he strap I have takes little or no effect. Is there not a particular kind of strap authorised by the Board ?" As a matter of fact, there is some gruesome regulation referring to the size of tawse, but, a« a general rule, anything from a portsammy strap to a piece of 6-inch belting is sufficient to make the youg idea shoot. However, probably L. J. Bagnall might obtain the consent of George George to devote his valuable time in the direction of designing a uniform strap for use throughout the colony. They could be put on the sam« contract basis as dog collars.

" Tarn " Mackenzie, M.H.R., descanting down South on ancient laws and their revival, mentioned that in Raratonga no young man and woman are allowed to walk out together in the evening without each carrying a lighted toich. If they defy the law, then they get six months on roadmaking. "And," added "Tarn," solemnly, " the Raratongan roads are the finest I ever walked on." Which does not say much for the infrangibility of the law. Why doesn't P. A. Vaile, the " well-known authority " on road-making, use his fiery pen in agitating for such a law here? Then he would have no cause to complain of bad roads.

A local gentleman, who slings ink for a living was recently passing by a certain hotel, and found the landlord at the door engaged in a warm argument with a loquacious stranger. The inkslinger, regardful of probable " copy," drew near and inclined his ear. It appeared that the loquacious stranger demanded liquid refreshment, while mine host was of the opinion that the stranger was already sufficiently supplied with the necessaries of life in that respect. The ink-slinger, being a fairly good Samaritan, appealed to the landlord on behalf of the stranger, who did not look by any means unworthy of being supplied. The entreaties of the ink-slinger prevailed, and the stranger asked the benevolent ink-slinger to join him in some refreshment. The ink-slinger consented, and while on the way to the bar, the stranger invited other thirsty people to join him, until he got together quite a little procession.

Lining up at the bar, the stranger ordered " drinks for the crowd," and the crowd duly partook. Then they turned to go. But the ink-slinger was perturbed. The stranger had not gone through the formality of paying for the refreshment, and the Hebe behind the bar was looking anxious. Delicately, the ink-slinger hinted to the stranger that payment might oblige. " Pay 1" exclaimed the stranger ; " I can't pay for the bally drinks. I ain't got no money !" And that unfortunate ink-slinger, who, for an ink-slinger, is peculiarly conscientious, finally had to settle up for the whole afiair himself, for the rest of the crowd, scenting trouble, had mysteriously melted away. In future, that ink-slinger is going to leave the good Samaritan part of the business to somebody else. He doesn't think it pays.

The demands of the tramway employees fade into glorious . insignificance before those of the Bricklayers' Union. The gentlemen who are good enough to lay bricks for an unappre? ciative public, demand that they should be provided with boiling water in order that they may make tea during the dinner hour. But is not this request rather too modest? Why not demand that they may have a bathroom provided, with hot and cold water laid on, in order that, when their day's alleged work is finished, they may go forth to the public in a clean and sweet condition? Also, wby riot provide them with private lockers in which to keep their white shirts and collars ? T-hjiis they could, before leaving the- job/ jfobe themselves in a fitting manner, so as to avoid the indignity of walking home in their working clothes. Their present demands are Altogether too modest.

A corps of youthful warriors recently journeyed out of the beaten track in order to indulge in the giddy delights of a battalion parade. At midday, after a strenuous morning's work, the officers repaired for lunch to the only hostelry which the place boasted. But on their arrival, they were, dismayed to learn that all the seats at the table had been bespoken for a large party. The officers tightened the belts round their anatomies, and agreed to wait until the aforesaid large party had satisfied its hunger. But these gallant officers confess that they received a slight shock when twenty-one of the senior members of that cadet corps solemnly marched in and took possession of the vacant seats. This was the large party. And the gallant officers bad perforce to still the fevered beatings of their hearts, while their, youthful army tucked into the good things.

An Auckland resident received a curiosity last week, in the shape of a letter emanating from a certain party in the Old Country. It was addressed to Mr So-and-So, Auckland, New Zealand, North Australia. Which reminds us of a yarn told by the Commonwealth Governor the other day. An acquaintance in England wrote out requesting that he would look after John Smith, who had been twenty years in Australia, and had married a girl in whom the writer was interested. His Excellency replied that he did not think he would have time to carry out the modest request. And the New York postal authorities also once got a curiosity in the shape of a letter addressed '• To the man that married Paddy Corcoran's daughter, New York." It was not delivered.

Some excellent specimens of unconscious humour are maeandering alone in the shape of extracts from the return thanks " speeches of successful candidates for municipal honours. Names are mercifully withheld. Said one orator : " I can assure you that everything I have done has been done for my own advantage, and from no sinister motives." Which flight of oratory was capped by a triumphant gentleman at 'another booth, who laid his hand upon the right side of his waistcoat and solemnly declared that ' ' the clinical judgment of the ratepayers had that day been proved not to be subserviescent to their intelligence. He was glad of it." Well, so he ought to have been, though the qxact meaning of his words are hard to fathom. It must have been the lobster.

Talking of "Wonderland, which is due in Auokland shortly! the toboggan belonging to the show was responsible for an extra piece of diversion lately. A grave and dignified member of the House, who waß visiting the Exhibition with hie niece, proposed to show exactly how the tobogganing part of the business ouerht to be done with due dignity and decorum. Then he came down the inclination with a- fiery rush, while the unsympathetic multitude guffawed. Then, with a weird and quite unparliamentary yell, he shot out of the conveyance and lay Tone, as though he were considering his next poUtjcal move. But the unkindest"put of all came - f rom his irreverent v niece* Viewing the avuncular deshabille, she exclaimed, "Oh, uncle, you do look such a fright !" Tobogganing ought to afford gloriqug possibilities to John Bollard. .

Canterbury Trades and Labour Council recently reared itself aloft and " expressed regret " that the Christchurch guardians of the peace employed a Chow cook". As a matter of fact, the Dunedin members of the force are also sinners in this respect, and have been so for many years. They claim that "Jimmy," the Celestial who presides over their culinary matters, is the boss cook in the service. But what would Arthur Rosier and the rest of our enlightened Labour manipulators say if Inspector Cullen were to install a Chinkie into the Princes-street mansion ? Truly, there would be trouble.

One of our local grocers, who is in business in a very large way, is evidently a stickler after the ultimate " bawbee." Recently, a customer received a bill amounting to £1 Os 6id, and, in a fit of absent-mindedness, strolled along to pay the amount. He happened to find the proprietor of the show behind the counter. " I suppose," observed the customer, " that if I pay you £1 Os 6d, we can call it square. The odd ha'penny won't matter, eh ?" -" Sir," replied the virtuous grocer, " the odd ha'penny certainly matters. The amount of your account is £1 Os 6£d, and that is what you'll have to pay." " Kight oh !" replied the customer, although somewhat astonished at this example of cheese-paring, and he placed £1 Os 7d on the counter.

The grocer, taking up a ha'penny box of matches, handed it to the customer. "What's this?" inquired the latter. " That's your change," said the grocer. "A box ot matches is equivalent to a ha'penny." "No, you doa't," retorted the customer; "I don't want matches. I want a ha'penny. If you are particular, I can be particular too. Savvy?" Then that grocer discovered that he hadn't such a thing as a ha'penny in the place. Consequently, after the till had been ransacked, he had to send.a. boy out to get the needful, while the customer leant up against the counter and sniggered. Finally, the ha'penny was forthcoming, and the customer marched off triumphantly. He has since transferred his pretty considerable custom to a grocer who has less precise views about the " things that matter."

The choir of a suburban church were in the middle of the rehearsal of a nevr anthem the other evening, when signs of agitation showed themselves amongst the feminine choristers. Presently, the leading soprano uttered a shrill note that was certainly not to be found in the score, and, desperately clutching at her skirts, sprang upon her seat. Three or four of her neighbours followed suit, and in the general disturbance the anthem was forgotten. The young men of the choir gallantly rushed forward to ascertain the cause of the commotion. "There, don't you see ?" gasped the agitated leading soprano, pointing to one of the front pews, under which lay something that looked furry.

The gallant youths forthwith formed themselves into a committee of investigation. One of their number approached the pew, and reached forward to prod the furry-looking object with a walking stick. Just at that moment there was an explosion of laughter from the neighbourhood of the porch, and the little brown heap began to slide away in that direction, obedient to the pulling of a now apparent string. To this moment the investigating committee are unable to state distinctly whether the cause of the ladies' perturbation was the horrid rat which it purported to be, or whether it was an artificial product of larrikin ingenuity. Neither did they catch the party ot youngsters whose impudence was responsible for the trick.

A "special correspondent " at little Opunake sends the following triumphant yell to a New Plymouth paper : "I understand we are to have a second chemist at Opunake. This may be taken as a sign of pro-' gress. If we had a railway we could do with half-a-dozen chemists." The concluding phrase is somewhat ambiguous, but suggests that the writer does not look upon railway travelling as the safest method of progression. This reminds us of a telegram from a country correspondent to a "Wanganui paper, ■which read : — '' Mr Blank is dead. He retired at 8.00 in apparently good health, and on his wife waking him at 6 this morning, she found he was dead." How she woke him under the circumstances, the country correspondent does not explain.

It happened in a little mushroom township on tbe Main Trunk line. A commercial, who had a fine bass voice, happened to be paying a business visit there, and advantage was taken of his presence to organise a concert. On the eventful evening, the commercial warbled " The Village Blacksmith," and a vociferous encore was the remit. Inflating his chest, the commercial was about to plunge into "The Mighty Deep," when the chairman pulled bis coat tails. " Mister," he observed, i» a stage whisper, "sing 'em the old one over again. I'm the bloke you've been singin' about — the village blackemith. And I reckon it'd be only fair to me if you was to sing it over again ; a.n' you might chuck in another verse sayin' as 'ow I lets out bicycles." And as the commercial looked at the chairman's large and sinewy hands, he complied with the modest request, but left out all mention of the bikes. & •— —

Stated in the daily papers that Mr F. Cutting has been appointed foreman in the technical department of the Manual and Technical School. It would be interesting to learn if this position was advertised as vacant, and, if not, why not ? Is it the usual custom for the Education Board to make appointments privately, and without open competition, or since when has the system come into force? Anyway, who is F. Cutting?

Across at Devonport lives a horticultural enthusiast who has grown tired of the commonplace products of the colonial seedsmen, and is stocking his garden borders with superior seeds all the way from New York. Opening a new consignment received by one of the 'Frisco mails, he found, besides the packets he had ordered, a queerlooking seed lying in one of the creases of the main wrapper. "A throw- in," he soliloquised, delightedly; "may be something out of the ordinary." So he planted that seed in a special pot, and when it threw up shoots nurtured it with tenderer care than anything else in his nurßery-beds. It certainly was unlike any other of his seedlings, and bis pride in the possession of something unique became excessive. From time to time sundry quizzical friends dropped in to observe" the development of the stranger. But their suggestions that it was only a common weed were floated as being merely the outcome of jealousy. By-and-bye, the shoots developed into something distinctive. Then there was no room for further doubt. The " rare plant " turned out to be a common and vulgar garden thistle. Long ere this, it has found a humble resting-place upon the garden rubbishheap.

Councillor D. W. McLean, of Devonport, appears to be needlessly rash. Anyway, why doth he dare to reprove W. J. Napier for " rushing into print" about that private reserve. William Joseph never rushes into print. He glides in gracefully. Sometimes he is apt to dive in, but that is only when he is rather out of his depths. But rush in — never ! If Councillor McLean was a new member of the Council one could make allowance for his temerity, but he is not. Let him tremble ! Even now William Joseph may be scorching along with his fiery pen, preparatory to once again " rushing into " print. Then will the McLean be withered with a fiery blast.

It is just as well when going away on a holiday trip to make sure that the various persons entrusted with the charge of one's household thoroughly understand their respective responsibilities. Otherwise, there may be complications. For instance : A Devonport resident asked his nextdoor neighbour to keep watch upon his house while it was locked up, and particularly to bear a wary eye with respect to possible burglaries. At the same time, the mistress charged her Belinda, who was being given a partial holiday, to visit the place occasionally, and see that the dust didn't settle too thickly upon the furniture.

The neighbour discharged his undertaking punctiliously. Each night he made a circuit of the premises, and tried the doors and peered through the windows. It so happened that in one of Belinda's visits she failed to finish her work by evening, and therefore settled down in her own room for the night. By-and-bye she heard heavy footsteps on. the verandah and in the yard, and also some suspicious twisting of the doorhandles. Half distracted with terror, she spent a sleepless night, and next morning paid a visit to the police station, and reported her misgivings. That night the " foorce," armed to the teeth with pistols and bludgeons, "congealed" themselves in the garden to watch for trespasses. They hadn't long to' wait, for soon an intruder appeared, and began fumbling with the door-knobs. With a ferocious challenge to surrender, the " foorce " charged down upon him, and before he could say Jack Robinson he found himself looking, into the barrels of a couple of revolvers; Thenit/was the "fobrce's" turn : to look foolish, on finding that their quarry was merely the next door "resident, intent upon his neighbourly duty. Next time that citizen undertakes a similar charge, he intends to make sure that the " foorce" gets formal notice. No further riski of being bludgeoned or revolvered for him.