SOME SUGGESTIONS.

Observer, Volume XXVI, Issue 44, 21 July 1906, Page 18

SOME SUGGESTIONS.

What We Might Exhibit.

[For the Observer.]

Come, hear me smile in wild disdain, And watch my eyelids curl. And see my ears, like grenadiers, Upon their axis whirl. Observe disdain upon my cheek, Contempt upon my toes — The news I've heard has struck me pink, Go, fetch to me a pen and ink, And stout and oysters, ere I sink Beneath my weight of woes. I've heard — alas, that it is true I have a grave suspicion — That Auckland's got a paltry lot For Christchurch Exhibition. Now, isn't it very sad indeed To think it should be so ? Where else, I ask, can there be found Such marvels as up here abound, Such sights as circle us around, Can they be equalled 1 No ! Permit me first to recommend A group of fine exhibits, Unless, maybe, the A.H. B. Their leave to go prohibits. Pack up the fire-float and the bulk, And place them most securely Upon the dredger one-two- one ; Send Hamer down to aid the fun. That lot, you bet, would take the buD, And win a medal, surely. Load up the oil-can Kuaka With ferro -concrete ample ; Of the A.H.B. 'twould surely be Of intellect a sample. With lordly Brigham on the bridge, And Philson at the wheel, 'Twould make the Christchurch people roar — «• We never, never saw before A sight that could affect us more — Quite overpowered we feel !" Our ambulance, so up-to-date, We'll send with honest pride, With Chairman John the box upon And Dr Walshe inside. Then, if in Christchurch city fair Obnoxious folk there be, One ride would quickly make them go To regions very far below, Which people say are warm, alt.ho' I've ne'er been there to see. As proof of Auckland's naval power. The Condor would be great 5 A model she of symmetry And " Rule Britannia " state. With Captain Kettle in command She'd ride the foaming main— You'd hear the Lytteltonians say 1 ••We'll swear off beer this very day, The sight we've lately seen we pray We ne'er may see again ." Of Auckland's beauty, as a type We'd send our handsome Paul. With winning grace and noble face He'd surely beat them all. And, as a type of innocence (You see it in his eye) Good Smeeton, doubtless, would be best — He stands so high above the rest, We often do a tremble lest He's snatched up to the sky. Fit sample of the pressman's sway — We'd send the Herald mighty. In it we see veracity ■ And grandeur — nothing flighty. Originality sublime — That is the Herald's story. Tho' southern papers may complain Of cribbing — that is all in vain, JFor cribbing is the Herald's bane — The champion of the Tory. Our Coroner, no doubt, would prove A most attractive draw. His winning style and sunny smile All else would overawe. ? Post mortenis he'd arrange for all, And inquests by the score. With recitations he would kill Survivors of the docl-ors' skill. \ Of deaths there may be plenty, still »,- Gay Tommy asks for more.

From Dr Bakewell we would send An autograph epistle On " How to Grow a Double Toe," Or " Why do Oysters Whistle ?" And Maurice Keesing, doubtless, would Oblige us with a letter, With extracts classical galore And words of syllables a score — If only he'd be slightly more Explicit, we'd feel better. And should we send our P. A. Vaile — Tho' others, p'raps, might choose him, I ask of you, now would it do So soon again to lose him ? When Christchurch people heard him talk They'd make a rush to snare him ; He'd teach them tennis, cricket, golf, And how to fire a rifle off, And how to cure aschnapper'scough — We really couldn't spare him. Of side-shows we'd have quite a lot, With talent mighty line ; Bill Richardson would talk like fun Each day from six to nine. While phonographic records would, With special police protection, Produce in most convincing way The things that Napier, William Jay, At Onslow House was heard to say About his non-election. And twice a week, in martial style, Brave Holgate would review An Auckland corps athirst for gore, And show them what to do. While every day by special wire His whereabouts we'd hear ; Each day the Herald and the Star Would have an interesting par To tell how Holgate rushed a car — He's quite devoid of fear. Now, if I thought 'twould please the nose, Much more I here might mention, But what the deuce would be the use — You're paying no attention. I hear you yawn and mutter low A word that's not " Salvation." My ink pot's very, very dry, And so, I beg to state, am I, Adieu — hooray — tooraloo — good bye— I go for lubrication.