The FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXV, Issue 29, 1 April 1905, Page 16

The FRETFUL PORCUPINE

AS might have been expected, William Richardson got no satis- • faction out of his prosecution of the Mayor, of Auckland for alleged assault beyond the privilege of paying £8 11s costs, and the opportunity of airing his eloquence as an amateur lawyer. The action taken by Mr Mitchelson in removing William Richardson from the platform at the Premier's meeting went no further than was, in his judgment, necessary for the preservation of order. Had he allowed William Richardson to work his own sweet will upon the platform the probability is that, in the temper of the meeting, there would have been a riot. Mr Mitchelson's action was taken in the public interest, for the purpose of repressing disorder, arid this being so, even if he did use rather more force than might have been necessary for the repression of the agitator, it would have been unreasonable to make him suffer for his action. Clearly, William Richardson's object from first to last was self-advertisement. Why else should he have made it a grievance that the Stipendiary Magistrate was hearing the case in a room that was not large enough to admit half the population of Aucklaud to hear hie amateur pleading and examining ? —. ••• ••• It turns out that Premier Seddon is one of the big syndicate which lately bought up 8000 shares in the New Zealand Times Company, Wellington, thus securing, with their previous holdings, a controlling interest in the Times. The investment was a big one, the price paid for the shares being about £20,000. Some years ago-~the Times used to display on its title page a claim to be "the premier paper in the colony." The idea was rather ambitious, and provoked in the critical a smile. Now it will to a large extent be indisputably the Premier's paper, at any rate.

Government House paddock is, it seems, to be a close preserve against the public for the future. At any rate, the Governor has refused to allow it to be used for the battalion parades of the city and suburban school cadets, though there are only four in the year, and that being so he can hardly permit its occupation for less important purposes. Times have altered since the days of Lord Ran - furly, who used to agree to the use of the grounds, within reasonable limits, for various non-money-making gatherings, and even with a charge for admission where charities were concerned. As it is, the paddock lies idle, and in the long absences' of the vice-regal family is useless to the Governor or anybody else. ••• ••• «•• ' . There are the makings of a pretty row in the negotiations now going on between the Education Board and the City authorities as to the allotment of hours to the schools for the use of the Albert-street swimming baths. The point of grievance is that while the pupils of the public schools are hustled out of the baths after only half-an-hour's occupancy in each week, the girls from two private establishments have possession for a full hour on their days. Moreover, it is said that each of the girls' classes in question often comprises only ten or a dozen pupils, and this small number is allowed to hold the baths to the exclusion of allcomers. ••• ••• «* Another phase of the rumpus concerning the two girls' schools in particular. Among all the swimming classes there is keen rivalry, for the right to use the baths on Mondays. The week's accumulations are run off every Sunday and replaced by clean water. It is not unnatural, then, that there should be a desire to bathe in the new supply before it has absorbed an undue amount of the lavinga of young Auckland. One of the girls' schools was formerly in the list for Monday afternoons, but has lately found its place given to the other, and itself , thrown later into the week. The displaced, girls are said to have pledged ! all their best hat pins to get even with , their successful rivals. To a disin- ; terested onlooker the suggestion occurs j that all causes of soreness would be s removed if the two sets of " young l ladies" would agree to coalesce, and ■ both use the water in its uncontamii nated state. As this would leave ; another hour per week to be divided > among the public schools it should please everybody.

The baby shows held in Auckland have not always passed off so quietly as that held in Wellesley-street the other night. John Fuller tells a story of one particular display of budding humanity in which he — even the cute and experienced John — was taken in by a trick worthy of the town that once produced a painted pig. It was seven or eight years ago, when the Fuller waxworks and vaudeville shows first dawned upon Auckland at the old Agricultural Hall — now divorced from the entertainment business, apd devoted to sales of fruit and produce. The exhibition of the city's human produce was one of the sensations of the hour. A large number of competitors were put forward, but, after all, there was practically no contest. One sweet little girl had things, all her own way. Her especial charm was a fetching curl that hung bewitchingly over her forehead. This lock fairly fascinated the audience, who were to be the judges, and by an almost unanimous vote its owner was given the prize. But, when the exhibits were being tucked away in their perambulators, an angry woman approached the mother of the prize- taker and began to jeer. "Gam!" she exclaimed; "yer kid had no right to the prize. Why, it's a blooming wig that did the business." In proof that it was so, the challenger fiercely snatched at the infant's head-covering, and the captivating curl came away with the rest. It was, however, too late to alter the award without making a scandal, and few people learned of the deception that had been ao smartly practised upon them. ••• • ••• ••• Another recollection of the same kind dates from an infant parade held in connection with another vaudeville company, also to the Agricultural Hall. Business was dull, and the management sought to liven it up by this means. An attractive £20 prize was held out as a bait, and mothers brought their offspring from far and near in the endeavour to secure it. The management had, however, no intention of letting the prize go past the child of one of the leading member* of the company, and as it hap* pened, the verdict to that effect was endorsed by the audience. Of course the prize was taken with a heavy discount, but within the next day or two the winner of the supposed £20 then found himself so heavily bombarded with summonses from confiding friends in the city that the management found its hands forced into paying over the • full £20 in order to get so important a ■ performer out of ■ town in continuance of the tour.

The Starj referring to the death of an old resident, the other day, said : " He was a native of Wales; England/ Yet when some person in Britain unwittingly addresses a letter to somebody in the colonies : "Mr Brown, Tasmania, New Zealand," or "Mr Green, Victoria, New South Wales," the Star laughs. The English person has a far better excuse for want of knowledge than the 'Star. A chunk from a country paper's criticism of- a local conceit: — "Mr sang" The Hungry Army.' He is not worth criticism of any sort. Only unbounded cheek accounted for his appearance on the stage." ••• —•. — He is a crusty old curmudgeon, whose querulous complaints are constantly bringing him into collision with the waiters in the Queen-street restaurant that he frequents. The new servingman was put on his guard, and lay low for him. ."Here, waiter," he called out when his first dish was served, "are these mutton or pork chops?" " Well, sir," suggested the waiter, with the faintest curl of the lip, " can't you tell by the taste ?" " Blowed if I can," returned the grumbler. " Then, sir," said the attendant freezingly, -" I suppose it doesn't matter to you which they are." ••» •«. . - .«. Nearly every steamer of any size now carries its own little plant for the printing of menu-cards and the like, and presumably a man of some expertness at stamp - lifting to do the type-setting. Perhaps the increased vogue of these floating printing offices may partly account for the way in which the scores of displaced " coraps " were absorbed when the linotypes revolutionised the trade. An ingenious bit of "farming" is practised in a certain Anglicau parish, which is in the charge of a high dignitary of the Church. A new-chum parson is engaged as a species of curate at the rate of two pounds a week, but the vicar " manages to recoup the amount by farming oat the neophyte to ' certain country districts. For instance, the district of Kahikatea wants a parson to ran round the settlements for a week, preaching at four or five places, marrying a couple here and christening an infant there. For this the individuals answering to the local equivalent for vestrymen pay the sum of £5, so that the visiting clergyman's regular employer collars £3 by the transaction. It is remarked that the practice of hiring out the curate has developed into quite an industry, but there are indications that the curate is about to jib.

Everyone that arrives from the gold* fields is crying out for water. All the cieeks are reduced to meie shingle beds, and the batteries lucky enough to have steam plants are using them more than for years past. Fortunately there is still enough water left for diluting the whiskey, and so long as that supply holds out there is room for. hope. «•• ••• *. One of the Queen -street banks is well enough guarded.' An incident of last week proves it. Somewhere in the small hours of the night the caretaker, in his rooms upa'aira, heard the stealthy movement of feet in the side passage. With thoughts of burglars in his mind, and visions of the kudos he would gain from a smart capture, he crept down to the door and made a reconnaissance. Yes, there were burglars outside right enough, for he could hear them whispering together as they made their preliminary observations of the place. If only he surprised them, there would be a chance of bringing off a coup single-handed. Summoning up all the nerve at his command, he firmly grasped his revolver and '-.hrew open the door. But it was he, instead of the "burglars," that got the surprise, for as the door swung back he found himself in the glare of two flaming bulls-eye lanterns, and confronted by a pair of burly policemen. Finding the gate of the side entrance open, they had crept along the passage, expecting mischief, and themselves been mistaken for criminals. It was a sad anti-climax, but the bank manager is satisfied that his treasure is watched both from within and without. ••• «•• ••• The girls were dear friends, and when Essie saw Bessie coming down the street last Tuesday, with her face lighted up with smiles, she dragged her out of the line ofitraffic, and asked her what was the matter. They spoke in an Irish whisper, and that is how we came to know that the smiling girl was engaged. In fact, she wanted the other girl in the red hat and the grey gowni to be a bridesmaid, the said ahe would be delighted. " In fact, she was glad of an excuse to get some new clothes. Who was the smiling girl going to marry ? She wouldn't say just there. " Oh, do tell me !" trilled the girl in the red hat ; " come up this side street. Here's that conceited fop, Jack Tarara, coming down the street !" " Jack Tarara !" screamed the brideelect, quite unconscious of listener?, "Why he's the man I'm going to marrj* !" Red hat will not appear in the role of bridesmaid.

A trip in a motor-car is capital fan as long as the machinery works smoothly* Ira t when there are hitches — well, then it is quite the other way. For instance, the other day Frank Bashaway, a Ponsonby blade, was given the use of a friend's car fdr the afternoon. It was a rare opportunity to give his best girl an outing, so he invited her to a run out from the Shore in the direction of Waiwera. Frank had had some experience as a motorman — perhaps one ought to say chauffeur, to distinguish him from those who drive motors for mere pay — and at the start the machinery worked in the smoothest of style, and the couple dashed through the country air at a pace that was both exhilarating and enjoyable. ••• —• ••. It was when they were on the homeward journey, towards nightfall, that the trouble set in. When away out on the lonely hills between Takapuna and the Wade, something went wrong with the works that it was beyond Frank's engineering skill to rectify. After fumbling with the machinery for two. or three hours, which carried him far beyond sunset, he had to acknowledge a humiliating break- down. By this time the young lady began hysterically to bewail the delay, and to wonder what would become of herself and her reputation if she was kept out in the wilderness till all hours of the night. The car had to be abandoned by the roadside, and the pair walked some miles in the dark before they came to the nearest farmhouse. *. ••• ••• When they did so the night was far spent, and more time was lost while the young man ran the gauntlet of a couple of loud-voiced watch-dogs — to his excited imagination they seemed as big as well-grown calves, and the fiercest creatures of their kind — and knocked up a sleepy and suspicious farmer, to tell him of the accident, and petition for assistance. He had the good luck to fall into hospitable hands. For a reasonable consideration the farmer agreed to harness up his springcart and drive the stranded pair in to the Shore in time to catch one of the late ferry steamers. The little adventure took a lot of explanation at home, and also to the owner of the car. Frank Dashaway will want to be very sure of his machine before he again takes the risk of being left in the lurch away out on a lonely road with either his own or any other fellow's sweetheart.