THE FRETFUL TORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXIV, Issue 26, 12 March 1904, Page 16

THE FRETFUL TORCUPINE

HERR FRIEDENTHAL, the popular pianist, who is visiting the

colony professionally, has been in Japan lately, and the daily papers rwooped on him for " copy." But the wisdom contributed by the professor reminds one less of Solomon than of Jack Bunsby. "If the Russians prove to be the stronger," says Friedenthal, in effect, "they will win, but if the Japs can hold out longest, the fruits of victory will rest with them." There is no getting away from an opinion like that. The Herr experiences the same difficulty in allotting his sympathies. The Muscovite is a white man, like Friedenthal, and the Jap isn't ; but, on the other hand, Friedenthal is a Pole, and the Russ persecutes Poles. Probably, if the matter were probed to the centre, it would be fouad that the professor's sole use for the Mikado is to destroy the Government of the Tsar.

If wide experience in matters matrimonial helps to smooth the domestic path, then Joseph Clinch Spenee and his wife ought to be the happiest couple within a hundred miles of Auckland. For Joseph has in his time sampled the tempers of three different wives, and Mrs Joseph also owns up to two previous husbands in the time when she knew not Joseph. Presumably, the four marriages in which the pair were previously concerned could not have b3en failures, or they would not have been so ready to try the experiment again, jointly. Luck has, however, been against them this time, for they are so ill able to agree that Joseph has absented himself from his family for months past, and the Stipendiary Magistrate had to use his authority this week to compel him to contribute towards their maintenance,

The examples of Pagel and Gordon have given the youngsters a wonderful interest in " strong men," and all that concerns them. A Ponsonby Sunday school teacher saw in their keenness on the subject a chance to switch the attention of her class on to Scriptural parallels. Accordingly she approached the question last Sunday by asking : " Who is the strongest man mentioned in the Bible?" "Jonah !" answered the clever boy at the top of the class. "Oh, no, Johnny," said the shocked teacher ; " don't you know it is Samson ? How do you make Jonah out to be the strongest ?" " Well, miss," said the top boy, " the whale managed to down Jonah, but it could not keep him down."

William Hawkins, at one time a schoolmaster in the vicinity of Te Aroha, now pushes an influential pen as editor of the Pahiatua Herald, Forty Mile Bush. Prohibition is one of the Herald's fads, and this is how it got back the other day upon the editor of the paper in the next town, for complaining that water was the strongest beverage served out at Pahiatua to a team of visiting cricketers : — " We would strongly recommend the scribe to undergo an aqua pura course. It would elevate his instincts, purify his blood, stimulate his brain tissue, normalise his cuticle, adjust his judgment, enable him to play cricket for three or four hours without saturating himself with beer, and tone him up all round." Charitable, and so like a prohibitionist !

That was a happy suggestion that was made the other day by a southern Magistrate, that schools should be held by the Labour Department Inspectors to teach employers how to interpret the Acts that govern their work. There is enough to learn in all conscience, for nowadays those who are venturesome enough to employ labour are brought up by some provision of the law at every turn. And the billet of schoolmaster won Id suit Inspector Ferguson, for instance, to aT. Especially if he had license to larrup any pupils that resented his lessons or his discipline. The school dea is worth following up.

The daily papers are watching with microscopes the movements of notable persons just now- Here is an item from the Reef ton Times which suggests that they sometimes go too much into detail s— ". It appears we were in error in stating that Lady Sykes accompanied her husband in bis travels. The lady whom we mistook for his wife' is Madame de E'chterveld, a German M.D." But somehow the Times might have made its correction a little clearer and more precise. As it stands, it is one of the " things one would rather have expressed differently."

There ought to be no scarcity of water, either hot or cold, about the Rotorua neighbourhood. But there is. Ohinemutu depends for its domestic supply upon a pipe laid from the Rotorua town service, and it wail? — or the Tourist Department on its behalf — that when Rotorua is watering its streets there is nothing left for the Ohinemutu pots and kettles. Therefore, Rotorua is requested not to hose its thoroughfares at hours when domestic work is going on. Rotorua respectfully replies that street squirting has nothing whatever to do with the matter. It blames the genius who laid down the Ohinemutu service, for it seems that he provided for only a half-inch pipe, and carried this over Pukerua hill, which is almost on a level with the reservoir, thus losing pressure ; so that when the holiday season is in progress, and Ohinemutu is drawing off with all its power, there isn't enough water delivered to go round. Anyhow, Rotorua declines to dispense with its daily street fountains for any such trifling reason as Ohinemutu advances.

An Auckland district school teacher vouches for the truth of this. He was teaching the fourth standard, and had asked, " What is the most precious metal ?" Most of the children answered " Gold," but the teacher had been talking of radium, and that answer did not suit. " No, children," he said ; " try again. What is the most precious metal ?" " I know, sir," cried one shrewd small boy ; " Pewter, sir !" " Perhaps he was right," says the teacher. "Anyhow, he ought to know ; for his father is a publican."

Merely because, the Admiralty ha* given the name of New Zealand toone of its battleships, some pushing person in the Bouth is agitating foFa. public subscription to provide a piece of plate for the vessel. But why, afterall? The ship is not ours, any moiethan any other of the scores that makeup the navy, nor is she manned byNew Zealanders. Even if nhe \v re, wnat would be the satisfaction to colonists in finding a new gewgaw to adorn the captain's table, and be seen by hardly anyone else except the steward who would have to keep it polished? Of course,- people can do as they please with their own money, but the Premier shows good Ken.se in shutting the public parse against the useless suggestion. Spending mon< yon our own training-ships, when we get them, will be another question.

The Rev. H. Blanrires, lecturing at Hamilton on the effects of prohibition at Gore, said there had only been one case of sly grog selling. If there were any others, he had not been able to find them. Which seems natural. But if Mr Manures carried a thirxt-. about with him, he would probably lie able to tell a. different story.

A few days ago, the Star reprinted an article from Health on " The Painlessness of Death," in which it was stated that " thousands who have recovered" have testified that sudden and violent death is not painful. A sceptical and scoffing correspondent writes to ask the Observer if "there are any men about Auckland who have died from any of these accidents and then recovered?" Certainly. The persons resuscitated from death by drowning are numerous, while at least one case of recovery from death by hanging and one from dissolution by choking, are within our own personal knowledge. The hanging patient was Mr Chudleigh, of the Chatham*, who was strung up by Te Kooti's party just before their departure, and cut down when life was almost extinct. In these cases no further suffering was possible, because consciousness had ended, and in neither was any pain experienced. It is the M fear" of death that upsets us.

Bolice Commissioner Dinnie has *»een reviewing some of the punishments inflicted by his predecessor (Mr Tun bridge) upon members of the Eoorce. One or two oases have lately been announced in which he considers 'that punishment has gone far enough, has restored stripes that were taken away under Tun bridge judgments. Possibly, Mr Dinnie is justified in his action. He has all the facts before him, and we have not. But about &uch interferences with punishment there is always the uneasy feeling that political pressure may have been used. It was fcr the very purpose of resisting such influence that Police Commissioners were imported from the Old Country.

The Anglo-Israelites must be right, -alter all, and we are the Chosen People. Else how could we account for our ■successes in peace and war (and especially in war) in the face of so much 'blundering, and blowing of hot and •cold ? We are always in need of iheroes, yet we are perpetually dis•couraging them. The other day, two Jads, tired by the spirit that dwelt in <4|e Vikings and in Hawkins and Drake, commandeered a yacht and ■sailed over the stormy main as far as 'Whatigarei. Clearly, we have in these boys -the stuff that will one day be needed to stem a Russian or Mongolian invasion from the Noxth Pacific. But instead of encouraging them, we «end a prosaic policeman on their loamy trail, and having secured their •arrest, bring them up before the Beak.

There are some names that suggest good stories — somenaaies that are embalmed in them, so to speak, Jike the fly in the amber. Clem Comes' name is one of these, and when he goes anywhere people start to reminisce. Clem went to Waihi the other day, and a local scribe immediately lets loose a yarn about him and the famous Doctor Broome. The Doctor was an extraordinary being, both professionally and personally, and not the least of the many amazing things he did was to stand for Parliament. He contested the Waikato seat against J. B. Whyteand G. W.. Russell ("Riccarton " Russell) in 1887, and the electors, who did not get much fuu out fo the solemn G. W. or the lugubrious J.B., obtained plentyfrom thevivacious <loctor. His speciality was to promise everything he was asked, and the free and independent tumbled to it very quickly, with results that were often delirious.

The story told about Clem and the Doctor by " Wanderer" in the Waihi Telegraph, is this: — "When Dr Broome reached Te Aroha, in the course of his canvass, Clem was present, of course. At the conclusion of the candidate's speech the chairman of the meeting announced that Dr Broome would now be happy to answer any questions put to him. Up stood Clem, and in his well-known drawl asked if the candidate would be in favour of reserving the summit of Te Aroha Mount as a cemetery ? To this Dr Broome immediately replied, " Certainly, by all means." Then, as an afterthought, he asked if the gentleman who put the qnestion would give some valid reason for such a strange request. " Well, you see," said Clem, "when the Angel Gabriel' .sounds the last trump at the resurrection at an altitude of a thousand feet over those fellows in the Hat, we would have a big start in getting to Heaven.' Dr Broome was not elected, and Te Aroha has not yet received Clem Cornes's start for the New Jerusalem."

AJJOiher popular concert of the Tree-.Blkz series will be held at the Chora! N Hall on Wednesday next. Mr and Mrs Hamilton Hodges will be amongst the performers.