An Election Paradox.

Observer, Volume XXIII, Issue 5, 18 October 1902, Page 16

An Election Paradox.

The candidate finds the thing is reversed When he has established headquarters ; The knowledge comes then, to his great surprise, He has to support his supporters.

The other day a gentleman took a horse and gig over to the North Shore, on the ferry-boat, with the intention of driving to St. Heliers. This is a good joke, but a better happened in the Waikato on the occasion of a recent raae meeting at Hamilton. Four old residents of the Upper Waikato started for home after the meeting in a buggy and pair, ..intending to cross the Waikato over the Narrows bridge, but after driving for about two hours in the dark, and remarking that the landscape seemed to be greatly different at night from what it was in the daytime, they landed somewhere in the neighbourhood of Morrinsville, cold and wet and hungry, and forty miles from home.

Tt may not be known so generally as it ought to be that the natives at Rotorua, and those also who were there at the time, still commemorate the visit of the Duke and Duchess of York. The special form taken by Maori loyalty is the naming new-born children after the illustrious guests. The boys are called " Duke " and "York," and the girls "May" and "Duchess" indiscriminately, but the patience of a local clergyman was tried the other day when a wahine required him to christen her female infant " Duke George."

Mi James Kirker has reason to be proud alike ot the splendid balancesheet and report which he was able to place before the shareholders of the South British the other day, and of the pre-eminently high position which the stock of the company has attained on the sharemarket. Verily, times have changed with the South British. Perhaps the most satisfactory feature of the balance-sheet, and the one that inspires most confidence in investors', is the strong position of the reserve, which has) now become a pillar of strength to the company, and which, apart from underwriting, is alone capable of paying substantial dividends

A well-known resident of Whangarei holds a good many Bunker's Hill shares. Some little time ago, when the scrip was unquotable, he said to a friend : " Look here, old man, if Bunker's ever get worth selling, I'll shout a bottle of Pommery." When the market quotations rose to 7s, his friend sought him out at his office, not far from the railway station, and affably observed : "Ah, do you remember what you said about Bunker's !" "Oh yes," was the unabashed reply ; "but I won't take less than 10/6 for my shares now.' The Pommery is stil in the dim and dis] tant future. Evidently some men move " mit de dimes,"

Dear Observer,— Apropos of Bio's picture of the German Band and the Joke about the Salvation Army, my our-year-old, who is with me in town on a visit, would insist on stopping to hear the band play. When I urged her to come, she said, "All right, mamma, as soon as they kneel down." — Yours, Mater (Waihi. )

Two of the fraternity technically known as "guns" started off from Auckland for the last Wellington races much lighter in pocket than in spirits, but with a fixed determination to gather in some capital en route. In the train between New Plymouth and Hawera, one of the spielers (the friends kept rigidly apart) fell into conversation with a countryman, and they had a quiet little game of cards, just for love and to pass the time away. Arriving at Hawera, the party, the two spielers still carefully ' keeping up appearances, proceeded to the hotel, where they booked for the night. Arrived, spieler No. 1 asked the "mug" who the other person was, remarking, at the same time, that he seemed a sharp sort of customer.

The countryman did not know, of «ourse, and asked his newly - found friend to have a drink. No. 2 ap-

proached the bar in a casual way and was invited to join, and after some conversation a game of poker was started. After a few games No. 1, who had netted a few pounds, went out, and No. 2 said, " Who is that chap ? I think he is taking us down. I'll tell you what I'll do ; next time I'll deal him three aces and two queens, and you four kings and a rag, and then you can raise him for all he's worth, and we'll get even. My own belief is that he's a gun."

The plan was agreed upon, and the deal was made upon No. l's return. The game went on until the " mug " had staked his last shilling, when he called, and then, to his utter confusion, his opponent laid down four aces and a queen. The "mug" was naturally wild, and called out : " That's not the hand dealt to you." " How do you know?" replied the spieler quietly. This, of course, was a poser, and the " mug," swallowing the imprecations on his tongue, left the room, closing the door in italics, so to speak. So far as the clever ones were concerned, they had made more than enough out of the deal to carry them on their way.

It seems incredible, but nevertheless it is true, that while the City Council insisted on some of the houses condemned recently being pulled down at once, others were allowed to remain in defiance of the mandate. The case of a tumble-down tenement in Shortstreet is cited as a notable example. There is said to be influence behind this particular property, and if the facts are as stated, the favouritism shown is nothing short of a scandal, and constitutes a grave indictment of the municipal admmstration.

The members of the Atom Club, assisted by members of the Auckland Dramatic Society, and stiffened by the professional element in the person of Mr Haygarth, have produced "Our Boys" at the Opera House. It is on record that David James and Company kept Henry Byron's masterpiece going in London for about twelve hundred nights, but we do not think the Atom Club and its friend could break that record in Auckland. As a matter of fact, we do not think the comedy would run a hundred nights here. It would probably stop at the ninetyninth, at which period, the last surviving member of the audience having been taken away in a cab to the Whau, the orchestra would

climb up over the footlights, and murder Coroner Champneys and his son Talbot with a meat-axe. The remaining members of the company would then escape by the back-door into Elliott-street, fly to the wharf, and take ship for Guam or other parts unknown. As, however, the combination modestly confined itself to a season of two nights, there is a small

margin left for leniency, and the actors ought to get the benefit of it.

The writer sat out the performance to the bitter end, but this was not solely owing to a sense of duty ; he felt, after the first five minutes, that here at last was the means by which he might expiate some of the heavy sins of his youth, and so he sat. To be brief, there were only two characters that rang true, those of Charlie Middlewick (Mr Keenan) and Clarissa (Miss Doris Boult). The rest (Mr Haygarth is omitted for obvious reasons) will not do, though Belinda (Miss May Henderson) is strongly recommended to mercy. Neither Mr Gresham nor Mr Herbert grasped the significance of the situation, the former from 'constitutional inability, probably, an^ the latter

from the want of simple tuition. Instead of being amusing, they were just bores. The two young ladies wanted to do the right thing, and seemed to know what they ought to do, but like the man and the after dinner speech, the idea never seemed to fructify at the proper moment. Perspicuity is an indispensable quality in an actor ; these clever young Atomists displayed only perspicacity.

What is the matter with the Liberal and Labour Federation ? The electors are shying off from it as though it had the plague. One branch after another is seceding, first Waihi, and last, New Plymouth, while it is generally out of favour in this province. We hinted some weeks ago that Mr Culver, the organising secretary, doesn't steem to have any grip on the rank and file, and this would seem to be the case, for disaffection follows him like the phosphorescent foam in the wake of a ship. What will King Dick say when he returns ?

One day during the week, when the Newmarket tram had completed the toilsome pull up Wellesley-street, and the boy was unhitching the leader, a policeman stepped up and declared that the vehicle was overloaded. It may have been, and, if so, it is a pity that the policeman did not meet it at the foot instead of at the top of the street. Be that as it may, the constable requested one of the passengers to get off, gently at first, then firmly, and finally with sufficient rudeness to effect his purpose, the tram meanwhile standing, and the patience of the passengers not objected to oozing out. When the passenger got down, swearing under his breath, the whistle blew, the whip cracked, the car went on, and — that constable jumped up and rode to the top of Symonds-street ! If the Commissioner does not give that intelligent officer a sergeant's stripes, then it is difficult to understand upon what principle promotion is granted.

Strange things occasionally happen in the under-current even of Auckland society. Witness the following. A young wife had occasion to doubt the fidelity of her husband, a man wellknown in the city, and for a consideration engaged the services of a certain individual to act as private detective, and watch his movements. The task was not a difficult one, the husband taking little or no care to hide his carryings on, so that the society tracker was soon in possession of information enough to justify an action for divorce.

Perhaps, in the elation consequent upon his success, the detective was not shrewd enough to keep his story to himself. Be that as it may, the husband got a timely hint from someone, and proceeded to watch his wife. Her only visit to town during the next week was to the office of her detective, with whom she was closeted when her husband demanded admittance. There was no response to the first, second, or third call, but, when the husband called his wile's name,

she appeared in the doorway, evidently deeply agitated. The husband stormed, vowed he had suspected the pair (how he must have laughed in his sleeve) and eventually turned the tables so completely that they were explaining and palliating their conduct — not he. It is scarcely necessary to add that the evidence accumulated by the private detective will not be used.

A man's right to applaud in a theatre is freely admitted. He can express appreciation as warmly as he likes, and nobody thinks of objecting, uo matter how bad play or performers may be. A woolly agriculturist of some literary taste, who dropped in at a performance of " East Lynne " at a provincial theatre recently, thought differently, for he arose in the middle of the performance, and said, in a loud, firm voice: "Allow me to say that that this play is not fit to be performed in the presence of a man with the intellectual capacity of a cow, and the acting is, if anything, slightly worse than the play." There was dead silence for a moment — then one of the actors said : " You've no right to interrupt the show. If you don't like it, get out."

" Excuse me," said the woolly one, " I have a right to criticise the thing I have paid for. I buy a pound of butter, and if it's bad, I say so. I've bought a shilling's worth of this show, and it's an imposition. I want my money back. If I don't get it, I shall go on criticising." At this the manager charged down upon the disturbing element, and tried to put him out. There was a brief struggle on the floor, from which the wild and woolly one arose, leaving the manager still prostrate. "It's all right," said the patron, holding up a shilling, "I've got my money back. You can go on with the play." Then he quietly walked out.

The life of a missionary will cease to be in any sense a martyrdom when Bishop Wilson's new steamer comes out. Communication between one station and another, and between the whole lot and the civilised world, will be as easy as converting the natives. How different from the good old days when the Melanesian staff used to be cut off for months and years. The writer is reminded here of one apostle to the Islands who sent Home for a wife to cheer his loneliness. The authorities sent him a mature lady with Vandyke ringlets, who, however, did not long survive. A second application brought another prim damsel, also with tresses of auburn hue, who also pined away under the shade of the palms, and in due time application No. 3 was despatched. The missionary enjoyed the loving sympathy of his flock, and they gathered round to rejoice with him when the schooner bearing his third helpmeet appeared in the lagoon. They watched the boat draw near, they saw a lady wave therefrom a handkerchief, and they observed that the parson's lips moved as if in prayer. But the words of the prayer were : " Good Heavens ! Red hair again."