The FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXIII, Issue 3, 4 October 1902, Page 16

The FRETFUL PORCUPINE

EVIDENTLY, if we can judge by what has happened in Auckland during the last few weeks, there are still great possibilities in the way of money-making open to that mysterious class of individuals who live by their wits. What better example of this can we have than the dapper, quiettuannsred individual who landed from Sydney with eleven shillings in his poaket and was able, after a five weeks' flutter in local business circles, to take his departure for America with hundreds of sovereigns and a wardrobe f hat even Dick Seddon on his coronation tour need not have despised. The young man landed a stranger, as we say, and put up at the Grand Hotel. Nothing like choosing a good hotel if you have a big thing on hand, and, as for hotel bills, they are as easily left behind as any other kind of. debts. The interesting stranger was chiefly in the oil and sarsaparula line, and requiring spacious cellars, soon gladdened the heart of a certain gallant colonel by leasing his at the substantial rental of £150 a-year. Money was no consideration to him. His was going to be a great business, and lie was prepared to pay. ••••••••• These cellars provided him with a bulk store, but he also required offices, and these, were soon engaged at a good rental from a gay and debonnair individual well known in town. The stranger flourished his cheque book, and offered the first quarter's rent in advance, but the gay and debonnair one was in no hurry. Any time would do for the rent, he said, with a lofty disregard of mercenary considerations that did him great credit. The stranger took his new landlord to lunch at the Grand Hotel, and the champagne flowed, and the gay and

debohnair one thought himself honoured when he was allowed the privilege of finanoing the stranger with a loan of (£ls till his "drafts arrived on Monday." l»| «. «. ' With pretentious premises, there was competition for the work of fitting them up. Substantial counters and shelves made their appearance. " Oh, no, the furnishing people didn't want cash in advance. Plenty of time when the work was done." There is still plenty of time, because they have not got their money yet, and are not likely to get it. At the new premises, large consignments of cases began to arrive from a certain timber mill, and chemicals from an obliging drug company. Then the stranger placed cases of his sarsaparilla, or whatever it was, in the bonded stores, and on the strength of his bond warrants, raised loam with an ease and frequency that would make the mouth of the average, hardly-pressed business man water. Of course, the moneylenders were satisfied. The cases in store were good security, and what more could a man want. ••••••••• With his business booming, the stranger bethought himself of buying a house. He wanted a comfortable place in one of the suburbs. Of course, there are no lack of property agents in the city, and he was soon suited with a suburban property that he admitted was cheap at £J 750. He closed on it at once. Did the agent want a deposit, or (cheque-book in hand) would he give a cheque for the whole amount when the deeds were ready ? Oh, no, the land agent did not want a deposit. So they had champagne instead, and, so great was the confidence of the agent in his client that, before the interview ended, he also had accommodated him with a temporary loan. . •••■••••• Then there was a visit to a tailor and outfitter. The stranger chose the materal for a suit, and, having been measured, the tailor reminded the customer that first business was always cash. "Certainly," said the impressive stranger, as he produced a handful of sovereigns and counted out five. The tailor for the moment felt ashamed of his doubts, and, when the stranger gave an order for another

suit, and chose a parcel of mercery, there was nothing more said about money. That fire pounds is all the tailor has seen for the goods supplied, but he, at all events, is better off than others, who got nothing. —• — —• But why prolong the narrative? For five weeks the operations of th° stranger were successful. Everyone was willing to supply him with goods, or lend him money, so what more did he want ? Then the Sierra left for San Francisco, and he was seen no more. One of his two landlords— the gay and debonnair one — opened some of the many cases piled in the deserted store, only to find that they were filled with sawdust. What the cases in the bonded store contained this deponent knoweth not. The office of 'the stranger has been beseiged with duns and collectors, and bombarded with unpaid accounts, but the stranger has gone — where, so far as he is concerned, collectors cease from troubling and creditors are at rest. B * ••• The burglar scare is becoming acute in city and suburbs, as the following incidents testify. At Mount Eden there is a buniness place — a crockery shop and photographic studio combined. Adjoining this is a stable, with a musical floor, and then comes the branch ironmongery establishment of Porter and Co. One night last week, the photographer, who was in bed, heard footsteps in the direction of Porter's, and then what seemed to be an explosion. Jumping to the conclusion that burglars were dynamiting a cafe, and out of bed at the same time, the courageous householder quickly descended in his night attire and made for his neighbour's store, i* •* ♦ The sound had also been heard by the local policeman, and the two meeting each other in the dark were mutually suspicious. The policeman would have arrested the photographer if the latter had not promptly presented a revolver, and the booby would have most likely been shot if the other man had not recognised his voice. An inspection of Porter's shop revealed nothing, no robber, no dynamite, no nothing, and subsequent events revealed the fact that the alarm was caused by an old horse getting restive and suddenly breaking out of the old stable mentioned above. The midnight chase for that horse will probably be mentioned to our two friends in a jocular sort of way for some months. fl» *» •*• The other little affair happened at the Working Men's Club in the city on Sunday night, or rather Monday morning, and ii vouched for by a gentleman

who was passings The burglar alarm was heard by the constable on duty, and he at once went off to fetch the man from the next beat, and the two held a council of war. After scanning the building up and down, the conclusion arrived at was that two men were not enough, and the passing civilian was asked if he would kindly hunt up the rest of the police in the vicinity while the two kept their eyes on the front and back entrances. The civilian had only just come off the northern boat, and felt unequal to the task, but suggested blowing the whistle, which was done. The response was prompt, and soon the whole of the night posse were climbing in at the windows and rushing up the stairs. Nothing but the presence of a burglar was wanted to have made the attack a most complete success. But there was no burglar there. Some of the Kawhia selectors are asking for relief on the grounds that grass seed has gone up in price, and that the season has been a bad one for burning-off. There is only one effective way in which help could be afforded, and that is by remitting the rent, but this gives the unsuccessful competitors for the land an occasion, more or less reasonable, for growling. It is not surprising that the Land Board have taken time to think the problem out. A well-known suburban doctor has just had what is popularly known as a nasty jar. He has had in his hands for nearly three months past a well-to-do patient suffering from a complication of complaints. The doctor, a young man, gave his patient a great deal of attention, and was proud to find him slowly but surely improving under his care, until at length it was evident that the man was quite cured. The patient had recovered his cheerfulness and his strength, and the M.D. pointed him out as a triumph of medical skill. * •+ *. At this stage the patient expressed his gratitude to the doctor, and said : " I have sent a present up to your house ; a slight expression of my appreciation of your ability. The doctor was naturally very anxious to know the nature of the gift, and when he returned found a large new box standing in his study. A hammer was procured, and -the box was carefully opened and found to contain nothing but bottles of medicine ; in fact, all the' medicine the young medico had prescribed for his wealthy patient. Not a drop had been taken. It was rough on the doctor, but the wealthy patient must find his jokes a great drain on his income if they all cost as much.

The return showing the details of an item of £461 for contingent expenditure for supplies to the House of Representatives, and furnished at the instance of the member for the Bay of Plenty, is amusing reading. Many of the sums are intelligible enough, aa, for instance, £15 allowance to charwomen, and £4 8s for beating carpets, but there are some that must give the boldest occasion to pause. What records of hilarity are suggested by the item "Glasses, £7 4s Id." What tragic episode is covered by " Hire of ambulance, 18s !" And what a hint there is of physical spotlessness by "Soap, £13 12 lid,'* and "Nail brushes £13 9s 6d"; though why as much money should have been spent in nail brushes as on soap is mysterious. Thirteen pounds odd should be sufficient to furnish three or four brushes to each member. Do they take them home ? <«. HN .«• ' A sad-eyed waiter of the writer's acquaintance once accounted for the short supply of toothpicks at the table by saying that the customers took them away with them, and persons from the back-blocks not infrequently Eocket the restaurant serviettes in a t of absent-mindedness, but one expects- better things from legislators. Towels, too, are put down at £29. But there are even direr suggestions in the item, "Typewriter, £39." Who was the lady ? There is a reassuring tone about the sum (an extra) " Nightwatchman's wages, £27 15s Bd," but the person so employed would appear to have been employed after all the mischief was done. Mysterious items these— very. ••• •♦• ••• It is not easy for the unknown newcomer to obtain a quencher in the King Country, however easy old hands may find it, and of course they do. A year or two ago a couple of tourists arrived at tea-time at the Mokau. They had a little supply of their own on hand, but with a laudable desire to conserve it, they set about to find a local supply. The resident at whose place they put up professed the utmost surprise that they should hint at his having a drop, and assured them that neither love

nor money could procure taste or smell. The hardships of the case were pointed out and admitted, and after a great deal of thought, the host said he knew of a place where they could get some eider. ••• ••• *** : He took them there and drank their health, and, warmed by the generous liquid, whispered that he sometimes got a bottle of the real Mackay by the mailman. The mail would arrive that night, but no, he was quite sure that nothing was coming by it, at least he thought not, but he would see when the mailman came. An hour later the mail arrived, and the host, coming into the sitting-room, closed the door and whispered, "He brought it! I must have forgotten all about it." And he took his whack of it, too.

How much bigger our owm world seems than the -world that is outside of our interests ! Here is a bright, particular instance of the truth of the reflection, "An Australian journal, The Hen, devoted to the promotion of poultry raising, gravely asks it readers, in italics, is every Member of the Government entirely disinterested in the high price of fowl feed ? adding, " Ask yourself this question next time you vote." Electors will have to ask themselves a lot of questions next time they vote, but when it comes to fowl feed, the problem becomes rather deep for the ordinary intellect. A fact has come to our knowledge that will be interesting to students of Maori character, and also to the land nationalises Both will probably draw a moral from it. Within a few miles of Auckland, certain natives own a choice section of ninety acres, which has been let for some years past at a rental of £100 a year. The lease has just expired, and the natives have entered upon a new arrangement with the tenant in which the interest of the original inhabitants has been carefully guarded. By the terms of the new lease, the tenant is to pay £200 a-year for the ensuing twenty-one years, £300 a-year for the succeeding twenty-one years, and £400 a-year for the thirty-six years that are to come after, provided that the colony survives. The bargain has been cheerfully entered into by the tenant, but how he or his successors are to make a profit out of the. transaction, unless the land is cut up for building sites, is a problem. It might as well be stated that the property is in the Mangare district, and not likely to be swallowed up by the city for a year or two, at any rate. ••• •*■ At a certain boarding - house in Symonds-street, a number of young men foregather each evening to partake of the dinner served by a young lady noted no less for her charm of manner than her edifying and intelligent conversation. She is remarkably observant, and unlike some other

people, is unselfishly glad to impart her knowledge. She is also witty at times — but most amusing when her wit is unconscious. One evening last week she observed during the course of dinner, " I see they have introduced those anti-mobiles into Auckland." She seemed rather surprised when her listeners looked blankly at her for further explanation, and asked if they had never seen or heard of an anti-mobile. The boarders confessed their ignorance. They had no idea of such a machine. And when, after the girl had given a very minnte description, even to the colour of the hat worn by a lady occupant of the particular machine she had seen, they gC&me tp the conclusion that an automobile was meant, their disappointment was great.

The following advertisement appeared in. the Herald a few days ago :— PARTNER Wanted; energetic, practical, A sound judgment ; muat have some physical defect. — Letters only, etc., etc. Why the absolute need for a physical defect? Is the advertiser himself short of a limb, and determined that no partner shall have undue advantage ; or does he want to work off a panacea on the corpus vile of the said partner ? Or what does it mean? And wouldn't it be much easier to get a person with sound body and a defective judgment ? It is impossible not to feel sympathy with the Boer people £in consequence of the distress which has followed upon the war. That the distress exists is, however, the fault of the Boers themselves. — Hamilton Argus. ••••••••• There is a parson in the district of Auckland to whom Providence has not been liberal in the matter of physical beauty. One day last week he was riding in a suburban 'bus, and became aware that he was an object of thrilling interest to a fellow-passenger. This man, indeed, seemed to be fascinated, and for some time was evidently unable to speak. At last he found his tongue, and, addressing the religious man, said : "You're a parson, aren't you?" "Yes, my friend, it is so," admitted the man with the plain physiognomy. " Well, parson, would you mind coming home with me to see my wife ?" In the belief that the woman was sick and in need of spiritual comfort, the parson, at no small inconvenience, complied with ■ the request, but his feelings may be imagined when, on arrival at th» house, the anxious husband called out : " Sally, come down. You said this morning that 1 was the ugliest man in Auckland, and I want you tolook at a bloke I have here."

Labour Day Carnival on the Bth of this month promises to be a carnival in something more than name. There is to be a procession and sports, with substantial prizes, and, though it is a trifle whimsical to associate the native race with labour, there will be a haka and a poi dance. Enriqueta Crichton, the talented Ortrud and Venus of the Mnsgrove Grand Opera Company in Australia and New Zealand, was engaged for the Moody • Manners season of English opera at popular prices at Covent Gardens.