EDMUND BfiLL'B LAMENT.

Observer, Volume XXI, Issue 1183, 31 August 1901, Page 15

EDMUND BfiLL'B LAMENT.

A man in (Jrey Lynn claims to have found a new beverage. On Saturday night lie took home some beer, and the night being cold he determined to make it hot. There was a saucepan on the lire, into which he poured the liquid, and as it began to warm he discovered lie had put it on top of his wife's cocoa. Loth to waste it, he tried the decoction, and he declares it the finest drink he ever tasted. The friends of a certain " commercial " are telling of a fright he recently got which knocks the best the ghost has done clean out of time, and which made him feel very ill and awfully silly. A few days ago, it appears, the commercial's household was increased by one — a boy. As the mother was very ill, the doctor wrote out a wire informing him of the addition, and also of his wife's illness, and asking him to return at once. The wire was given to the servant to send off. The servant duly set out, but happened to meet her best boy, and forgot all about the wire. Next day hubby paid a flying visit home, and was gratified to find his wife and family gettting on nicely. After an hour's stay lie again took his departure, without having been seen by the servant, and without anything having been said about the telegram which his wife naturally supposed he had received. The following day the servant found the despatch An her pocket, and sent it off at once without saying a word to anyone. That night the commercial, on entering his hotel,-was horrified to find this telegram, bearing that day's date :— " Another addition — a son. Wife very ill. Return at once-" ''Another!" he gasped; " great Jupiter r" He took the first train home, and dashing into the house, demanded to know what had happened. Then the servant confessed

How would this lot do for the Members who are asking that every man who lias a family of six should get a grant of land or a couple of hundred in hard cash '! Amongst the cases which caine-for. relief at the Dunedin Benevolent "Trustees was that of a woman with eleven children, whose respective ages were 17, 16, 13, 10, !), 8, 7, 6, 3, H years, and six months. The father of this family was described -as a " worthless fellow.' What a big success on the land he would be, and what a nice use he would probably put the cash to if be got it. ••••••••• There is one house in Akckland that is now always shunned by a parson of zealous proclivities — all on account of an irreverent parrot. Recently, it seems, he was round with a list in aid of the church, and was told by someone that by calling at this house he was sure of a subscription. He called accordingly, and found that tho only occupants of the house were a lady and a parrot in a cage. Unhappily, the chair which he occupied and the parrot were in close community, and the object of his call nad hardly been entered upon when a tug at his coat-tail made him rise up without ceremony and as a man who sits on a taok. Whereupon, the parrot, possibly in anger at losing his hold, or to show he I could talk as well as bite, let out in style. " Chuck the beggar out,' he cried, in the manner of a god in tho pit. The parson looked aghast while tho lady only smiled. "Turn | the beggar out !" he sreeohed once more, with increased vigour and higher pitch. The parson had as much as- he wanted. He was horrified, and looked it, and with his hands to his ears, he made a rapid exit, amid a catalogue of specialties on the part of tho parrot.

The tlev. Theo. Marshall, one of^ th« delegates to Australia for the Presbyterians in Scotland, and who is now in Auckland, is nothing if not— well, to put it mildly, romantic. The other day, in the course of his" chat" with a pressman, the divine is reported to Imve said that while the delegates were in Sydney they addressed ineetings in the Town Hall, •• which was packed from floor to ceiling." Of course, coming from the source it did, we are in duty bound to swallow this as gospel, and believe that the Town Hall was packed as stated ; but what a sultry time it must have been, and is it not a wonder that any of that vast audience are now living ? Hitherto, when a smart theatrical manager, witli a free use of l>ig, bold type, ha* adopied the " ceiling " racket, for booming purposes, the public have doubted him and said he was fibbing, but the rev. gentleman has set the possibility beyond all doubt. Truly, wonders will never cease. *•*. •*• ••• Southern papers are very severe on the Invercargill S. M. for' what they call a travesty of justice. From the evidence, it appears that one or two officers on an ocean tramp, theOceana, called upon an oystennan on the Bluff wharf late at night and demanded oysters. The demand being refused, the second mate is alleged to have knocked the complainant down, and blew his whistle, which brought all hands ashore, including the captain. The steamer's officers and men set upon the oystermen, and a malee took place, during which the engineer tired a revolver several times at one of the latter, who had to take to the water to escape being shot. Meanwhile, another oystennan was forcibly dragged to the steamer's side, a rope was passed round Uim and he was hoisted on deck, kicked, beaten with a board, dragged into a bathroom, handcuffed and locked up till the police released him. The defence was that the oystermen were the aggressors, but the S.M. held that the complainant's story was the more reasonable one, and that much of the evidence of the accused was untrue, and fined the second mate and captain— what do you thfnk ? — the former £7 10s and the latter £2 10s. The papers submit that paltry fines for assaults of the kind noted is an encouragement to shipping visitors to commit similar outrages, and are calling on the Minister of Justice to make inquiries and require the 8. M. to make a full explanation of his aciton.

There: was a *siimlAtt!i$ seen* in PonsonW. Ob Tuesday. V/.dSjfe;^ was un^er wrest got awayTfcifiyiu, constablfe, ;»jrul, }, e ixie a -HnHri^. showed a clean pair TojP^SelSJj f e Wft ? ffo^g >;eM. -M*U in tiff favour, yheji a happy ;s<» ittucfc Ms pursuer* Heboh^we^TihoJsefiJQin'a boy~wj,or Avaß-HaftigjCaiTd started off at full speed, with schoolboys, dosrs and tradesmen following up. He was* rewarded j)jfr a capture in a way-back gully whither his quarry had scooted, aim whom having secured — this time with a firmer grip— he landed safely in tlnrance, amid much cheering. *•• •••.••• Gloomily and moodily, the remnants of the old National Ass. assembled the other night to farewell one of their quondam leaders, Mr Edmund Bell, w ho has shaken the dust of New Zealand off hia feet, and left for Canada, It was a do pressing ceremony altogether. Dismal jeremiads on the approaching disastrous end to New Zealand's I greatness were indulged in, an 1 appeared to afford much comfort to those present, while the passing of the crusted Tory was deplore .as a national calamity, and everybody looked as cheerful as undertaker.--mutes. Mr Bell feels that he has been driven away from this ool:>j? by Seddonism and. "its knavish tricks." He has been a good citizen. We wish him every success. ••• ••• .». Mr George Jones, the gentleman in the Legislative Council who refused to withdraw his sentiment that the hotel trade was a detestable one, was wellknown in Auckland twenty^nve years ago. At that time, he was the proprietor of the Evening Echo, a journal started in opposition to the Star with the assistance of Jai S. Macfarlane, the Scottish citizen whom the truculent G. M. Reed slated so unmercifully. The Echo only lasted a year, in which time it succeeded in losing £3000, which was a circumstance compared with the amount of money eaten up by the Bell, which was the next opposition to the Stttr. George Jones is a man with the courage of his convictions. At one time, he was called before the House and imprisoned for breach of privilege. That imprisonment was one of the gayest interludes of his life, the time passing enjoyably with the assistance of good cigars and pleasant company. As a process of disciplining, it was such a lamentable failure that it has never been resorted to since.