A Pair of Breaches

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 952, 27 March 1897, Page 14

A Pair of Breaches

VEKYBODY w.as talking about it ; it was the sole topic of conversa-

tion in town. The smiles ruled both large and loud as mummers who were ' renting ' or in want of a ' shop ' quaffed their Scotch ' without,' and envied the respective lots of Mies Gumtree Smith and Lord Halifax Spinach.

Both these persons smiled, too, when they found that they had been suddenly elevated into the position of heroes of the hour. And the reason for their smiling may be set down in about six words. Miss Gumtree Smith, the beautiful Australian actress, whose magnificent figure had captured all hearts and a salary of £120 per week from Mr Olepal, of the Dulcimer Theatre, was desirous of being in the fashion. She burned to marry a peer. To' her annoyance the peerage absolutely declined to reciprocate. Next to marrying a peer, however, it is considered in some circles almost as satisfactory to be engaged to the heir to a peerage. And in this matter Miss Gumtree Smith, of Sydney, N. S. W., fouud fewer obstacles blocking her path. It was not long, in fact, before she obtained an introduction to Lord Halifax Spinach, eldest son of the Earl of Marmalade. They became engaged, and a zealous news agency was good enough, for a consideration, to flood the daily and weekly press with appropriate announcements to that effect. There was no question of sentiment between them, although the news agency alluded to the engagement as ' romantic' This was picturesque, but it was not the truth. It was purely a-faatter of business. Miss Smith had the figure, in fact she had two — her own and Mr. Olepal's £120 — whilst Lord Spinach possessed nothing more substantial than his title and a pedigree somewhat about twelve and a half yarda in length. It was purley a matter of business, as we have said, for in consideration of his lordship allowing his name to be coupled with that of Miss Gumtree Smith for a period of six weeks, he was to receive from the Baid Miss G-. S. the sum of £1,000 sterling. The public did not know this, in fact nobody knew it save the parties concerned, and they, for very obvioos rea3ons, said nothing about ir, except when they were alone, and there wasn't anyone listening. It was a stiff price, no doubt, to pay for six weeks' gratification of one's vanity, but Miss Smith posaesseda large supply of the latter commodity, and £1,000 was a trifle to her when 3he had a whim to humour. It was more than a trifle to the heir to the Earldom of Marmalade. In fact, Lord Spinach was in such a financial fix that he would have clutched at half that sum with all the frenzy of a drowning man at a straw had it been offered him. It wasjnnpleasant, no doubt, to have his name and title linked with so plebeian a person as Gumtree Smith, but needs must when the Hebrews begin firing in their writs, and £1,000 was not to be sneezed at. He did not sneeze, he gave one little dry cough, and then put his signature to the informal document which Miss Smith had prepared as a little surprise, and which, in his hurry and carelessness, he did not trouble to read. Lord Spinach's troubles were not over when he blotted his signature at the foot of the agreement. He discovered that he had undertaken to be seen in public in the company of Miss Smith for, at least, three times a week, and for two hours on each occasion. The unfortunate man had soon cause to regret his rashness in entering upon the business Miss Smith adhered to her contract to the very letter. For two hours, three times a week, she made the helpless nobleman her slave. She dragged him to perspiring matinees ; she drove him down to Richmond when he wanted to be dozing at his club; she bobbed up serenely at flower shows, bazaars, fancy fairs and other awful functions ; but never, alone. Lord Spinach, trying to look jolly, but failing miserably, was always by her side. For hex it was six weeks of bliss ; for him, six weeks of agony. But when, at last, the eighteenth function was over, and done with, Lord Spinach flung himself into a saddleback chair and offered up a silent prayer. The contract was completed, and it only remained for him to call upon Miss Smith to receive the sum agreed upon, and to set the newsagencies to work disseminating paragraphs announcing that the engagement between himself and the Australian actress had LJ-beePL'broken- off . <iio£alept sojQndly- that

night, consoled by the thonght that a few hoars would see him a free ruan with £1000 in his pocket. He called upon Miss Smith early. The lady met him with a smiling face. She was evidently in the highest spirits. ' O£ course you know why I called,' he said. She nodded amiably. ' Let us come to business at once,' he continued, abruptly ; ' have you the cheque ?' •Certainly,' she replied, handing him the welcome slip of pink paper, which he se zed with trembling fingers. 4 The agreement is now finished,' he added, ' and bo we may as well tear it up and burn it.' There was a pause, and then she said, quietly, ' I think not.' • Think not !' he ejaculated. ' What on earth do you mean ■?' ' Simply this — that the agreement is not completed.' 1 But ' She raised a white hand warningly. She was still smiting. ' If you will kindly cast your eye down the back of the document, you will observe a little clause which yon have not yet carried out. It probably escaped your attention at the time, bat now ' He seized the scrap of paper and devoured it with his eyes, then he gave a shriek of horror. She snatched the paper from him, and contemplated him with a Icok of triumph. Smalt wonder that he was thunderstruck. In the clause referred to he had pledged himself to marry Miss Smith on the expiration of the sis weeks. And it was to this that he had blindly and like an idiot affixed his signature. ' You see I have taken the precaution to get it stamped at Somerset House, and.' she added, grimly, ' if you do not carry out yonr undertaking ' • Well •' ' I'll sue for breach of promise.' As he staggered from the room she laughed gaily, ' I think I have got him ' That evening Miss Gumtree Smith received a visitor. He was old and unpleasant, and he described himself as Lord Spinach's eolicitor. ' My client has been abroad for several yearß, and he has only just beard that his name has been coupled with yours,' he begin, without wasting words. • Ceupled with my name ? Of course it has ! Why, I'm going to marry the man.' 'Oh, indeed!" answered the man of law, with a sad smile, ' then you are the only one who knows ft ' ' Here is his signature. Glance at it for yourself.' The lawyer examined, the document, and then positively roared. ' This is delightful,' he chirruped. ' Lord Spinach is not only married, but he lost his arm through an accident whilst out shooting, and could not sign his name if you paid him to do it. My dear madam, you have been the victim of an inpostor. Not to mince words, you have been hoaxed You have lo3t £1,000; but I hope you have learnt a little wisdom. We may as well consign the evidence of your foolishness to the flames without loss of time.' So saying, he pushed the paper into the fire. She did not attempt to stop him, but looked od x stupidly. When nothing remained but ashes, the solicitor continued, with professional dryness, ' Having dieposed of that matter, there is another little affair on which I should like to have a few words with you. To come to the point, my client has instructed me to proceed against yon forthwith for ' 'I'm to be dragged into court,' she almost screamed, ' and the way in which I have been spooled for six weeks, exposed to the public and written up in all the halfpenny pipers ? Never 1' 'We shall have to put you in the box, unless ' ' Unless what?' 'You feel disposed to settle now. I have my client's authority to arrange matters, if possible I daresay £500 might do it,' he added, softly. 'Five minutes later the man of law took his departure He was accompanied by a cheque for £500. Bound the corner the old gentleman met a young gentleman, and the two laughed so uproariously that they had to lean against one another for support. And the younger man bore a strangely remarkable resemblance to Lord Halifax Spinach. Singular to relate, too, his lordship paid into his account the sum of £1,500 in two cheques. "