Tit. Bits and Twaddle

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 952, 27 March 1897, Page 11

Tit. Bits and Twaddle

There is a small boy at the Thames who asked his papa the other day to tell him what salting a mine meant. 'Is it,' said he,' 'anything like salting meat?' 'No,' replied the old man, ' when a man salts meat he wants to keep it.'

A Marton paper has incarred tHe severe displeasure of the local Anglican Church by announcing that a special service was to be held in it to celebrate the festival of St. Barrabas. The editor meant well, but the comp. had never been to Sunday-school.

The streets of New Plymouth are hardly safe at night. At the last meeting of the Town Council one of the City Fathers mentioned with tears in hiß voice how an eminent citizen had lost his child for two or three hours, and after a diligent search had found it embedded almost up to its neck in one of the street ruts. Magna est veritas, etc.

A Mauriceville maiden of barely 15 years has been suing a married man with a large family for the maintenance of a child of which he disclaims the paternity. He says another married man in the district knows more about it than he does. The suit failed, and now the parents of tha girl are threatening an action for seduction. Society seemß a bit mixed up Mauriceville way.

Palmerston North possesses a genius who haa been wrestling for yearß past with the problem of perpetual motion, and now feels quite sure he has found it out at last. And a certain patent agent who has been taken into the inventor's confidence has expressed the belief that there's something in it. Why, of course, there is. There are a few fees in it. We are told the ' idea ' is that the weight carried provides the driving power, and the heavier the load the greater the power. As an illustration, if the principle were applied to a bicycle, the weight of the rider wonld drive the machine without any effort at mechanical locomotion on his part. The inventor is quite sanguine of success. Let him try his perpetal motion ' idea ' on a biking trip up College Hill with— say Tom Ussher or George Dunnet on the saddle. Either of them will furnish quite enough weight for perpetual motion— if weight is all that Is wanted.

Down on the East Coast the wheel is supreme, and.rides over both Church and Fourth EBtate. The office of the defunct Napier News has just been turned into a bicycle factory.

The Parihaka Maoris are advancing in civilisation at a qnite astonishing rate. Two of Te Whiti's dußky disciples were married the other day, and in the evening a number of young Maoris turned out and ' tin-kettled ' the happy couple in true larrikin style.

He was a stout, flashily- dressed and rather pompons individual from the other side and had come over on spec, hearing that fortunes were being rapidly amassed on the Stock Exchange. ' I want to see a big, roomy flat,' he called ont as he strode mto a certain land agent's office and interrupted the couple of clerks at their midday lnnch. ' And look sharp, young fellows,' he added ' for I'm in a deuce of a hurry." It was the younger and cheekier clerk of the twain who cheerfully responded, ' You'll find a mirror in the wash-room at tne back.'

A striking sensation is promised the patrons of the Taranaki annual regatta. Two heavy - weight identities, who can each torn the scale at twenty stone, are intensely jealous of each other, and one of them, who hails from Tikorangi, is ready to run, row, swim, aing or dance his rival of New Plymouth. As a result, they are to have a foot race on the Waitara wharf, and the local Harbour Board, fearful of consequences, is taking the precaution to have the structure strengthened.

Some folks look out for number one, That all may be quite true ; But when it is a widow, she Looks out for number two.

The locomotive engineers resident in a certain town down South had a bit of a spree all to themselves the other night, and drank through quite a long list of informal toasts. And the best of the lot was the following : — ' To our mothers — the only faithful tenders who never misplaced a switch.' Every blessed engineer admitted the force of the compliment.

The unmarried ladies of a certain snburban church are highly affronted with their parson. He was preaching on Sunday evening on the subject of the twelve apostles, and was applying the lessons of their example in turn to the brethren and sistern. of the congregation. He had finished with the brethren and was busy pointing the moral and adorning the tale for the benefit of the other sex, when, in the fervour of his spirit, he was tempted to say, ' Follow the example of these humble apostles, my dear Bisters, and become more than ever fishers of men.' The point of the joke ließ in the fact that there have been a good many marriages in that congregation of late. But the ladies don't at all like the insinuation that they have to fish for husbands.

It was at the Wesleyan Conference just closed that a well-known parson candidly admitted that there are certain circumstances — such as when he ia getting married or entering the ministry — under which a man will Bifjfn his came to any document without asking what its contents are. He had passed through both ordeals, and knew. ' • .

' Good night 1' she said, and laid her head Upon his manly breast ; And he, accepted, homeward turned, His boul with joy possessed. He fancied still above his heart He felt that cheek so fair ; On hanging up his coat he found Its ghoßtly imprint there.'

The Te Kopuru larrikins had great sport at the second social in aid of the vicarage repairs fund There was a firstclaßs set-out of refreshments in the snpperroom, bat someone had incantionaly left the window open, anc, with the aid of a> long stick armed with a couple of stout hairpins, the joung shavers sncceeded in hooking sufficient sandwiches and miscellaneous pastry to afford them a regular blow-out. That' is why the dancers plater on found themselves reduced to short commons. The larrikins are now most eager to ascertain the date for the next social. Their patronage— outside the window — is quite an assured thing.

He is a teacher of singing, and stood on the door-mat of a suburban mansion after loudly ringing the bell. When the lady of the house appeared, he said, ' I have called, madam, to give your daughter lessons in voice production.' ' But 1 never engaged you,' she replied, in great surprise. ' No, madam, ' he answered, with a smile ; ' but your neighbours have clubbed together to pay my fee for the first quarter. It won't cost you anything, and the subscribers reckon they will get the value of their money in an improved style of singing.' The teacher of singing doesn't remember anything more, or won't tell, but he says he was never more insulted in hiß life.

The reason why two well-known, individuals in town are not now on speaking terms is easily explained. They were both out at a social party in a friend's house a few weeks since, and took the leading part in a rather heated discussion as to the relative claims of England and Scotland to distinction for the celebrity of their sons. 'It's a well-known fact,' said the Scotchman, 'and everybody but you seems to be aware of it, that my country has turned out some of the greatest men the world has ever seen.' 'At any rate,' replied John Bull, ' we all know it turned you out.' At this sally there was great laughter, but it was not until next morning that Sandy perceived the point of the joke. And he doesn't like it now that he does see it.

Two chappies fresh from Horne t and with a reef at the end of their pants to apprise the world that it is raining in London, invaded the Stock Exchange last week. They had heard that all the fortunes were made there, and some kind friend had loaded them up with the most astounding taradiddles on this subject. As they leant np against a certain sharebroker's window to discuss the situation,. Algie was heard to remark to Cholly : 'I've got a weally bwiiiiant idea, deah boy. Suppose you buy stocks and I sell them at the same time.' Cholly (with languid interest) : ' Aw — yes. And where do 1 come in ?' Algie : ' Well, don't you see, one of us would make money,doncherknow,and we could divide the profits.' Cholly : ' What a head you've got, Algie. Let's start at once. We may make a few thousands before Christmas out of these blawsted colonials." They are now busily loadingtip with scrip.

There "were some screamingly funny incidents at the recent scramble of the Ogden Dramatic Co through a piece entitled ' A Mother's Bin,' in the Wellington Opera House. The way in which people forgot to come on the stage when wanted, and forgot their lines when they did get there, was diverting enough in itself. One expression that probably wasn't in the author's MS. was used by the arch villain when, as the heroine didn't readily give up the knife be was trying to take from her, he wanted to know why the blankety blank she didn't let it go — this in a tone that could be heard to the farthest corner of the dress circle. Bat when it came to the heartbroken mother lamenting the loss of her ' che-ild with the beautiful blue hair and eyes,' the pit fairly rose in its merriment. From that time onward it took a hand in the piece on its own account. The villain, for instance, when in tones of frenzied remorse he contemplated his ' berlud-stained hands,' waß kindly advised to get Sunlight soap and wash 'em ; and with Bundry other little scraps of kindly counsel and criticism, the gods helped the show along to a conclusion that wasn't reached till within a, quarter of an hour of midnight.